Swallow and nod.
"What's more," I sez, "the way we've got it figured, you've been usin' part of the loot to pay off me locals hereabouts so they'll cover for you."
"No, we haven't," me guy sez, finally findin' his voice.
"Excuse me?" I sez, cockin' an eyebrow at him.
"Paying off the locals, I mean," he sez, quick-like. "I won't say it isn't a good idea, but it never occurred to us. We've been keeping it all."
This presents a problem. I mean, our whole idea of lookin' these jokers up is to use them to redistribute the Boss's gold. Clearly I am gonna have to think of a way to revise our plan whilst in mid-negotiation.
"Whatever," I sez. "Now, what we're lookin' for here is a plan so's we can all eat out of the same bowl. Like, say, maybe we finance your operation in exchange for a small percentage of the take."
"Don't do it, Robb."
The guy now talkin' is a skinny, red-headed dude who is suddenly lookin' very serious instead of scared.
"Why not, Will?" sez Robb. "It could be the perfect solution to our ... predicament."
"It would be putting our head in a noose," the redhead sez. "So far, all they have is hearsay. If we accept money from them, then it's a clear admission of what we're doing, and they'll have grounds to arrest us. If we try to say that we were just kidding, then they can nail us for fraud. Either way, taking their money would be a bad idea."
It occurs to me that this guy is soundin' a lot like a lawyer, which is a whole different sub-species of bandit than the type I had been figurin' on dealin' with.
"And what about the Game Preserve?" puts in another of the group.
"What about it?" I sez, now thoroughly confused.
"You know, the plans to sell the Royal Game Preserve off to the lumber companies," he sez.
"What plans?" I sez. "You know anything about this, Nunzio?
"It's news to me," Nunzio sez. "Sounds like the kind of thing that Grimble would come up with, though. Odds are the Boss doesn't even know about it, what with all the stuff they've been having him sign."
"There! You see! I knew it!" the red-head chimes in. "These guys are working for the kingdom. This whole act has been nothing but a sting operation. It's a clear case of entrapment."
This meetin' has gotten completely out of control. It comes to me that there is only one way out of this mess. "Shaddup, alla youse!" I bellow.
Everybody freezes and looks at me.
"I am hereby declarin' all of youse to be members of the Sherwood Arms Grievance Committee. What's more," I pause to give them all a smile, "your first duty is to accompany us back to the Royal Palace so's you can present your problems to the Boss ... I mean, the Great Skeeve personally."
SIXTEEN
Surprisingly enough, the trip back to the palace is extremely pleasant.
We have allowed the Sherwood Arms delegation to keep their bows, just to prove to them that they are not bein' arrested, and once they loosen up, they prove to be the nicest travelin' companions one could ask for. They are always chatterin' back and forth with jokes and stories about their huntin' trips and life in the suburbs, and one of them is actually some sort of entertainer who fills in the low spots with songs and stand-up comedy routines.
Then, too, there is the ongoin' archery contest. From the get-go, they are fascinated by the custom mini-crossbows that Nunzio and I are carryin', which in no time develops into a shootin' match, with us pickin' targets at random on the road ahead to aim at as we walk. This is really no contest at all, as the Nunzio and I can easily outshoot any of them, even when we rigs the match a bit by shootin' first so that by the time they take their turn, the targets are considerably closer. Finally, we end up passin' our weapons to Spyder and Pookie, but even then the match is one-sided. Once they get the hang of the hair-triggers, they are also makin' the delegates look bad. Fortunately, the Sherwood boys don't take offense at this. In fact, they take to cheerin' the good shots and needlin' each other when they miss.
"I say, old boy," Chumley sez, fallin' in step with me as we walk. He, like Pookie, is still usin' a disguise spell to make him look like a local so as not to spook our guests. "Do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean, the whole point of this exercise has been to investigate and handle the situation without bothering Skeeve. Now, we're effectively bringing it back and dumping it in his lap unannounced."
This question, and variations on it, has been the most popular subject of conversation among the team since I decided to bring the bandits back to the palace to meet the Boss. Every one of them, as we were travelin', has pulled me aside out of earshot of the delegation to ask, in varyin' degrees of politeness, if I know what I am doin'.
"I figure it's our best shot to straighten out this mess," I sez. "These boys have it in their head that the Boss is some kind of power-mad monster who's out to take the kingdom away from the Queen. Now, you know the Boss. Do you really think that anyone can talk to him for more than a few minutes and still keep that impression?"
"He's likeable enough, all right," Chumley sez. "But he can have a bit of a temper, too. I just hope we catch him in a good mood. Oh well. I guess we're committed now. We'll just have to muddle through somehow."
This is not exactly the enthusiastic vote of confidence I had been hopin' for from Chumley. He is probably the most level-headed member of our team, despite his bein' a Troll, and his worries do nothin' toward givin' me peace of mind.
"Okay, cuz," Nunzio sez, slidin' into Chumley's place as that notable drops back to talk to Pookie. "Now that we're almost there, how do you figure we should play this, exactly?"
We are makin' our final approach to the palace, so the time for analyzin' and plannin' is over. It's now time to settle on specifics.
"I figure we take them into the courtyard," I sez. "Then, you and the others hold 'em there and keep them amused while I hunt up the Boss. I'll give him a quick run-down on what's happenin', then bring him out to meet the delegates."
"You're gonna explain all this to the Boss?" he sez, raisin' an eyebrow. "Are you sure you don't want me to handle that little task?"
"It's nice of you to offer, cuz," I sez. "But I figure this is my job. I know you're better at talkin' and explainin' than I am, but this whole investigation, and particularly bringin' the delegation to the palace, was my idea. If the Boss is gonna blow his stack and take it out on someone, it should be me."
"Okay," he sez with a sigh, clappin' a hand on my shoulder. "I just hope you know what you're doing."
The repetition of this theme is startin' to get on my nerves. You see, I don't really know what I'm doin'. I've just come up with what I think is the best solution and am keepin' my fingers crossed. Now, as we are enterin' the passage to the courtyard, I am feelin' less and less confident that this is a good idea.
"So, Guido," Robb sez, edgin' up to me. "What are we supposed to say to the Skeeve, anyway? I mean, I don't think any of us have actually met a real magician before. Is there any kind of protocol we should follow?"
"Just relax and be yourselves," I sez. "At first, let Nunzio and me do most of the talkin'. Then just talk to him like you would anybody else."
"Is there any kind of special way we should address him? Like 'Your Greatness' or anything?"
"You aren't listenin' to me, Robb," I sez, gettin' a little exasperated. "The Boss is a nice guy. In fact, he's younger than you are. All you have to do is ..."
"Hey Guido! What's up?"
I look up to find Aahz wavin' and walkin' towards us across the courtyard.
I start to wave back, then realize that Robb is startin' to fumble with his bow.
"What are you doin'?" I sez.
"That's a demon!" Robb sez, his eyes all wild-like.
The rest of the delegation is also startin' to load arrows, and I realize that we have not completely briefed them as to the sights and sounds they could expect to encounter when they reached the palace.
"Hey! Relax!" I sez, hastily. "That's just Aahz.
He's the Boss's partner, and ..."
"Gleep!"
Around the comer comes Gleep. Apparently Aahz was exercising him in the courtyard when we arrived. In a flash, I can see we've got trouble.
"That's a dragon!!"
"Relax, everybody!!" I bellows in my best command voice. "There's no need to ..."
Just then, Gleep catches sight of Nunzio and comes boundin' forward.
"Gleep!"
That's when it all hits the fan.
A lot of things happen so fast that I am left with a confusin' array of separate images.
-The bows come up loaded with arrows.
-Aahz stops in his tracks.
-Gleep slams on the brakes and throws himself sideways in front of Aahz.
-Pookie and Spyder pile into the delegation, tryin' to stop them from shootin'.
-An arrow flies and ...
Gleep gives out a high-pitch wail, rears up, and then collapses on his side.
At the sound, everybody freezes in place and stares in silence, like we was all in a picture for one of those play advertisements.
Then, everyone starts talkin' at once.
"What did you do that for??!!"
"But it was attacking!"
"No it wasn't! It wanted to play!"
"That's Skeeve's pet you just shot!"
"Oh geez!"
"How were we supposed to know?"
While the babble is goin' on behind me, I runs forward and joins Aahz, who is kneelin' by Gleep.
"How is he?" I sez.
Even as I speak, I realize this is a kinda stupid question. From where I stand, I can see the arrow stickin' out of the Boss's pet just behind his front leg. For a crew that normally couldn't hit the broadside of a barn if they was inside, this time they managed to come up with a shot that was deadly accurate.
"It's not good," Aahz sez, not lookin' up. "You better have someone get Skeeve."
"Nunzio!" I call. "Get the Boss! Quick!"
"Gleep," the dragon sez, tryin' weakly to raise its head.
"Just lie quiet, fellah," Aahz sez, in a surprisingly gentle voice. "Skeeve will be here soon."
I turn and walk back to where the delegation is now huddled together.
"Robb," I sez, beckonin' him forward."
"Geez, Guido," he sez. "We didn't know ..."
"Shaddup!" I sez, cuttin' him short. "Remember what I told you about talkin' with the Boss?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, forget it. With what's just happened, you better let Nunzio and me do all the talkin'."
It seems like it takes forever, but it's probably not more than a minute or two before Nunzio and the Boss come flyin' out of the palace. Of course, in the Boss's case, this is literal type statement. That is to say, Nunzio is leadin' the way at a pace a few notches short of a dead run, while the Boss is floatin' along just behind him. Even at this distance, I can see that he's lookin' happier than I have seen him in a long time.
This surprises me.
Not that he is flyin'. That is one of the smaller magiks that he has at his disposal, even though he doesn't use it all that much. Rather, I am surprised that he seems happy, as I can see nothin' in the current state of affairs that would put him in such a mood.
Then he sees Gleep and he stops smilin'. At this, I realize what has happened. Nunzio has simply fetched him without tellin' him what was up. Any hopes I have for his bein' in a good mood disappear along with his smile.
In a flash he is on the ground and kneelin' at Gleep's side, cradlin' his pet's head in his arms.
"What's wrong, fellah?" I hear him say. "Aahz? What's the matter with him?"
Aahz glances at us, then clears his throat.
"Skeeve, I..." he begins, then stops as the Boss suddenly stiffens up.
He has just noticed the arrow that's stickin' out of Gleep's side. An expression dances across his face that does not bode well for any of us in the near vicinity.
Just then, Gleep stirs again, raisin' his head.
"Take it easy, fellah," the Boss sez, his expression sof-tenin' again.
Gleep cranks his head around and looks the Boss in the eye.
"Skeeve?" he sez, then goes limp.
The Boss carefully puts Gleep's head on the ground, then gets up and stands lookin' at him for a minute. Then he looks at us.
In my work with the Mob, I have met several people who could threaten you with just a look. I've even done it myself when the situation called for it. But in all my years, I have never seem anything like the look the Boss is givin' us right now.
"All right," he sez in a deadly-soft voice. "I want to know what's been going on here ... and I want to know now!!"
Remember when I said that when Nunzio went lookin' for the Boss, it seemed to take a lot longer than it actually did? Well, it seemed even longer this time before anyone spoke ... practically years.
Finally, Aahz broke the silence.
"Urn ... partner?" he sez.
"Not now, Aahz," the Boss sez, still starin' at us.
"Suit yourself," Aahz shrugs. "I just thought you might want to take care of Gleep before getting in to all this."
The Boss's head comes around with a snap.
"Take care of Gleep?" he sez. "But isn't he... ? I mean..."
Aahz frowns at him for a second, then his expression clears.
"Oh! I get it now. You thought..." he breaks off with a little chuckle. "Relax, partner. He'll be fine. He just passed out from the shock is all."
"But the arrow ... ?"
"Dragons are tough." Aahz smiles. "Besides, most people don't know much about dragon anatomy. That arrow's
nowhere near where his heart is. Once we get it out of him, he should heal up fine."
Now, I'll admit that I am among those that Aahz is referrin' to that don't know anything about dragon anatomy. This does not, however, mean that I am slow on the uptake.
"Nunzio!" I barks. "Find Massha fast. Tell her to bring that stuff she used on my arm. Spyder! Scout around for a wagon big enough that we can move Gleep back to the stables. If anyone gives you any grief, convince them. Either that or tell 'em to take it up with me later."
In the blink of an eye, they are both up and runnin'.
"Can I help out at all?" sez one of the delegates, step-pin' up to me.
"Like how?" I sez, frowniri' as I try to remember the guy's name. "You're ..."
'Tuck," he sez. "I'm a cook. I heard the ... the green gentleman say something about cutting the arrow out. Well, I'm pretty good with a knife and know a bit about animal anatomy ... though not about dragons specifically ... and ..."
"Okay, stand by," I sez. "Just don't do anything until Massha gets here."
"Massha?" he sez.
"Don't worry. You'll know her when you see her."
After that, it was pretty much routine. Tuck was as good as his word and got the arrow out of the Boss's pet with minimal blood bein' spilled. Massha was right there with her magik salve, and by the time we got around to loadin' Gleep onto the wagon, the wound was already healin'.
I was takin' a breather after helpin' with the latter chore, Gleep bein' no featherweight, when Robb beckons me aside for a quick chat.
"Guido," he sez, "the boys and I are going to take couple rooms at that inn we passed just outside the castle.
Things are crazy enough right now I think our business with Skeeve can wait until tomorrow."
"You're probably right," I sez. "It's kind of a shame, though. Your havin' to wait after havin' come all this way to meet the Boss."
"Oh, the actual meeting is more of a formality now," he sez. "I'm sure we'll be able to work out some kind of an arrangement with him. I'd say your point has definitely been proven."
"Which point is that?" I sez, genuinely puzzled.
"About how Skeeve is a nice guy and more reasonable than we gave him credit for. I mean, talk is easy and the best of us can get fooled, but that was a pretty solid demonstration we got." He paused and shook his head. "The kid was
genuinely upset about his dragon getting shot, and deservedly so, I might add. He really wanted to lay into us, and no one could have or would have stopped him. Still, even when he was deadly-eyed mad, his first reaction was to ask for an explanation ... to hear our side of what had happened. Then, when it turned out that the dragon was just wounded, his main concern was taking care of his pet, not going after punishment or vengeance. To me, that makes him a hell of a man."
"That's the Boss, all right," I sez, grinnin' slightly.
"Yeah, well you can also tell a lot about a man by the friends he attracts," Robb smiles. "Even though your crew is pretty fearsome when viewed from the outside, it's also easy to see that you're all fiercely loyal to Skeeve ... far beyond a simple employee-employer relationship. It speaks well of him, and you."
Before I can say anything in response to this, he sticks out his hand. I shake it, and he turns and marches off to rejoin the rest of the delegation.
As I am watchin' him go, I suddenly realize there is someone standin' next to me.
"Oh. Hi, Boss," I sez.
"Guido," he acknowledges. "I believe you were about to explain to me what's going on. Let's take a walk and you can fill me in."
So I do.
I tell him everything we've been doin' since he got back from Perv, with only a little bit of editin' for content.
When I get done, he is silent for a long time.
"I'm sorry, Boss," I sez, finally, tryin' to prod him into commentin'.
"No, Guido," he sez, quiet-like. "I'm the one who's sorry."
With that, he walks off in the direction of the stables.
SEVENTEEN
"Some of my best friends are dragons."
SIEGFRIED
Skeeve the Great. What a joke.
If there was ever a time in my life when I felt less great than now, it has been mercifully forgotten.
The irony was that not that long ago, barely an hour really, I had been on top of the world. I had told Queen Hemlock that I didn't want to marry her and survived the experience. Not only survived it, but had also escaped the awful threat of her abdicating and leaving me to run the kingdom by myself. For the first time in months, I was completely free from obligations and commitments. I had been literally walking on air.
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