by Erin Trejo
“We can call it off, Bray.”
She shakes her head before leaning against the porch railing. “Nick has skills, Smokey. You wouldn’t survive if he called in his friends. I know you guys are strong, but they are stronger. If Nick feels threatened to the point my dad and the guys can’t handle it, he will bring in backup.”
Hawk walks toward the bikes and my heart speeds up. This is it. The other guys file out as Bray and I watch.
She spins around suddenly, pinning me in place with her stare.
“Do something for me?” she asks. She’s so calm. I don’t know how she’s this calm. Any other woman would be scared shitless but not Bray. Not my little flower.
“What’s that?” I flick the butt of my cigarette through the air watching it land.
“If you go after them later, make them pay. Make them hurt.” She turns and walks off the porch, leaving me in a stunned silence.
The more I let this shit settle inside of me, the more I’m regretting my choices. All of them. The truck pulls up with one of the prospects driving and Bray in the back. I swallow back the words that want to flow freely from my lips and stash them away like I’ve always done. I walk around and hop in the truck. I can hear the static over the coms units, but I don’t hear any talking. No, why would there be? We’re driving to Bray’s death.
The thought alone is disturbing. My little sister’s eyes flash before my eyes. I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to control my breathing. I can’t lose myself right now. I have to be strong for Braylynn. This whole thing rings badly inside this warped head of mine. How can I send her back to that? What kind of monster does this make me really? The ride is silent. The meetup point is about thirty minutes out. Hawk sent a few guys out ahead of us to make sure the area was secure. That doesn’t mean shit. I can still feel the tingling sensation running up my spine. Something is off. I grab the coms unit and radio Hawk.
“What’s up?” he says as I listen to the wind hollowing into the mic.
“Somethin’s off.” That’s all I can force past my lips.
“You made your decision, Smokey.” The line goes dead and so does my heart. Something isn’t right though. It’s not just that I don’t want to do this; my intuition is telling me there is something else. I can feel it. Her hands wrap around me from behind. The warmth of her enveloping me. I reach up and take her hands in mine. I give her a soft squeeze.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Smokey,” she whispers.
I nod once, but in my heart, I know nothing is going to be ok. Nothing will ever be ok. The truck slows as I hear the rumble of the motorcycles pulling up around us. Hawk climbs off giving me a soft nod. I just look the other way. The prospect climbs out as I do the same, but before Bray can open her door, I’m on her. I reach in, pulling her into my chest. Bray sobs but quickly reigns it back in.
“Let’s get this over with,” she whispers.
“I don’t know if I can.” I hold her head against my chest. I hear Hawk talking, and I know Ruger and Draven are up there with him.
“You can, Smokey,” she assures me but I’m not so sure.
“Goddamn it, Bray.” I pull back pressing my forehead to hers. She sighs before grabbing the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. I gladly give it to her. I kiss her softly at first but that quickly changes when I hear the prospect coming back.
“They’re ready,” he says. Bray pecks my lips with hers a few more times before wiping at her eyes.
“Stay here,” she whispers. I shake my head not wanting to let her walk up there alone. “I mean it, Smokey. Stay here. It’s easier this way.” She hops out of the truck and walks past me. I close my eyes tightly and tip my head back. I can’t fucking do this. I can’t let her die in their hands.
Chapter 27
The exchange is made. My heart stills in my chest. I hear the rumble of bikes as they pull out in the opposite direction. When I turn and open my eyes, Debby stands there beaten and bloodied.
“Son of a bitch,” I grumble pulling her sobbing body into my arms. This poor woman has lived through hell when her old man was killed. Now she just lived through another type of hell. One that she didn’t deserve to in the middle of.
“I’m gonna make them all pay, Debby. I promise.” That’s a promise that won’t be broken. I will kill them all. In time, I will hunt them down and make their lives hell on earth. They thought I was a monster before, they haven’t seen anything yet. I usher Debby into the truck before looking over at Hawk.
“The exchange is made. Now we set up a plan,” he says with certainty. I scratch at the stubble on my chin as I let it all sink in.
“I just delivered Bray to the grim reaper. I know it was my fault to begin with. We make a plan, I take them all out.” I take a deep breath before saying what I need to say. “Then I’m goin’ to meet the devil himself.” I don’t give Hawk a chance to answer me. I climb in the truck, slamming the door behind me. The choice has already been made. Bray isn’t going to make it out of there alive and neither will I. I took so much from her, and now it’s time to make it right. I will fix what I broke before I leave this shitty fucking world behind. It’d be a welcome relief.
Debby sobs in the back as we ride back to the compound. My heart doesn’t beat the same. Nothing inside of me has any light now. It’s pitch black; it’s the way I’ve made it. I set myself up for this. I set myself up to lose when I should have known better. She was never mine to take. Never mine to torture. I should have walked away and went after the Crashed MC. I should have never taken my anger at them out on Braylynn. That’s a mistake that cost her her life, and in the end, it will cost me mine.
I’ve never been afraid of dying. What is life without death? It’s a never-ending circle. The circle of life as they call it. A life comes into this world as another leaves it. It happens every single day. Our world sees it more often than the normal people out there. There is nothing comparable to the hell we see in this life, but it’s the life we have chosen to live and now I have to face the ugly consequences of it.
As soon as the truck stops, I’m out of it and inside and heading to the bar. Draven steps up behind me. I take down a huge gulp before looking over at his cloudy eyes. There’s a somber feeling drifting through the clubhouse tonight. Anger races through me like a lightning bolt. Draven’s hand lands on my shoulder but I shake it off. I don’t need his shit. I don’t want his pity or his useless words. None if it matters anymore. I’ve made the choices that have fucked this situation up even more. There’s nothing left to do but let it play out the way it wants.
“I want church at ten in the mornin’. Get some rest. We have a big war comin’ up.”
I ignore Hawk’s words. A big war? What a fucking joke. We don’t have anything. What we have is the same goddamn nightmares that haunted me before Bray got here. What we have is a piece of shit VP who ruined more than one life. I take my bottle of Jim and head back to the house. No one tries to stop me and for that I’m grateful. I don’t have anything to say, and I sure as hell don’t want to talk about today. I want to drown that bastard inside of me. The fucking demon that tears my world apart. I want to throw my fists and make someone else feel the pain that slowly radiates through me.
I tip the bottle back and let the buzz I feel slowly start to make its way through my system. I can smell her. Her fucking scent is plastered around my house. Everywhere I look I fucking see her. I stumble down the hall to my bedroom, and when I open the door, my heart stops beating. The rumpled sheets, the indent on the pillow. My eyes begin to blur when I take down what’s left in the bottle, then I throw it at the wall. I watch it crumble and fall in pieces to the floor.
“You are no fuckin’ good!” I roar at myself in the mirror over the dresser. “You’re the worst kind of monster there is! Look at you motherfucker! You fucked that girl up and then signed her motherfuckin’ death warrant!” I slam my fist into the wall over and over until I can’t feel it anymore.
“You’re not a man.
You’re a monster. You’ve always been a monster. They were ashamed of you. All of them!” My left fist connects with the mirror. The pieces cut into my skin, blood slowly begins to trickle from the wounds.
“Worthless. You’re fuckin’ worthless. You didn’t deserve her. You didn’t deserve to have her. You didn’t deserve her wishes, you bastard!” I roar to no one. Because that’s what I deserve. I deserve nothing and no one and Bray just sealed that fact in cement. I was never good enough to have my family. That’s why they’re gone! It was my fault. My life is what killed them. I’m useless. I look at my face in the jagged pieces of glass that was the mirror. My breathing is labored but I don’t care.
“You are no one. Redemption? What a fuckin’ joke. You are the son of the devil, Smokey.”
Chapter 28
A week. Another week. That’s what this has been. I’ve drank myself into liver failure, or at least you would think that. I haven’t stopped. Hell, I don’t even know what day it is but I pull the fucking pillow to my face and inhale and I swear to you I can still smell her. The darkness has turned into a black fog around me. There are storms rolling in today. Hawk has been on top of shit or at least as much as he can be. Stone has come back here looking for help. Seems Ninja is completely off the handle now that Crashed has Bray back. Or had her. No one knows if she’s alive or dead. In my heart, I’d like to think she is still fighting her way to breathe. I’d like to think she’s giving them hell, but I know she isn’t that strong. She couldn’t be. I tore her down until there was nothing left but skin and bones. I ripped away any kind of comfort she may have had.
“Get up!” My mattress is flipped in the matter of seconds. I roll off and onto the floor with a thud. I chuckle before pulling my ass back up.
“Mornin’ to you too.” I smirk at Draven. His eyes are dark and angry, much like my goddamn heart is.
“You gonna keep doin’ this or you gonna get your fuckin’ head in the game?” he snaps. I raise my eyebrows and glare at him.
“There is no game. Only the end, Draven, my friend. And I am gettin’ closer and closer to it,” I tell him.
He blows out a breath and runs his hand through his long hair. He isn’t going to get anywhere with me. There’s no hope left.
“We don’t know that she’s dead, Smokey.”
I chuckle again and grab the bottle off the night stand. “We don’t know she’s alive either, now do we?” I ask in a grim tone. Draven is clearly agitated now. Well, good. That fucking makes two of us!
“Stone wants to talk to you about Ninja,” he says. I nod my head before taking a drink.
“Ninja. Ninja. Ninja is a sorry son of a bitch. He’s worthless, and the sooner you motherfuckers take him out the better off Bleeding Aces will be,” I say in my drunken state. That seems to be my normal state these days.
“Why are you doin’ this, Smokey? Did you give up all hope of seein’ her again?”
Hope. That damn word again. I’m so sick of hearing the word hope.
“Draven. Look me in the motherfuckin’ eyes and tell me that I should have hope that Bray is alive. Come on. Do it.” I walk toward him but when he doesn’t speak, I shove at his chest. “Come on, Draven! Tell me that you think there is some kind of hope that she isn’t dead!” I roar. He looks away from me. I knew it. I knew he couldn’t do it because the chances of Braylynn being alive are so fucking slim none of us see it.
“I made my bed, Draven. I will sleep with the fuckin’ devil when it’s time,” I say taking another long pull.
“This is shit and you know it. You’re the fuckin’ VP, brother. You need to act like it. You’ve never gotten fucked up like this over no piece of ass!” he growls.
Look at him telling me how I should feel. He doesn’t know what I feel. No one does. No, that’s a lie. Braylynn did. She understood how I felt. She understood that I was a fucking lost soul in a world that didn’t want me.
“A piece of ass,” I say before stopping. “She wasn’t just a piece of ass,” I mumble.
“No? Then man the fuck up and take your place at the table. Let’s get a plan set in motion and run with it. If there is the tiniest part of you that thinks she might be alive, let’s run with it, Smokey.” His tone has calmed but I can sense the edge still there. I can’t blame him for trying. I would too if it was the other way around but it isn’t. This is me. This is my world of fucked up that I created.
“You know she told me that I needed to find myself again. Said she knew there was more to me. That before they died, I was better.”
Draven sighs before stepping toward me, his hand landing on my shoulder. “She was right, brother. When your family was killed, you changed. A switch flipped in you but we all saw it edging its way back when she was around. Keep the good thoughts in there, Smokey. Feed off those. Let’s take these motherfuckers down.”
His words hold truth. They really do but in the back of my mind it doesn’t matter anymore. If I’m here or not isn’t important. They will go after them for what they did to Debby. Bray has no place in the middle of their game. She isn’t a piece that can be moved around the puzzle. And neither am I.
“Can’t do that. I’ll come sit in for lack of anything better to do, but don’t expect me to talk,” I mumble as I stumble through the bedroom door. I knew this little intervention was well overdo but it didn’t work. So, what? You got me out of the room. I’m magically back to the land of the living? No. I wrecked that place a long time ago too. I trudge to the clubhouse and fumble with the handle until the damn thing finally opens. I step in and all eyes are on me.
“The fuck you lookin’ at?” I ask the guys who cast glances my way. Bastards. All of them can fuck off. I walk toward the office when I see Hawk walking out.
“You sittin’ in?” he asks. I nod once. “Good. That’s good.”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m some kind of goddamn baby, Hawk. Fuck you, brother. Fuck all of you!” I roar before I’m slammed against the wall. Hawk’s right hook collides with my jaw. My head snaps back with a welcomed crack. Pain radiates through my body when his fist connects with my ribs. I laugh as I slide down the wall and onto my ass. It’s a dark, demonic laugh. One that would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end.
“More!” I yell at him. Hawk shakes his head and walks away from me. Decan grabs my arm and yanks me off the floor.
“He’s only tryin’ to help you out, Smokey.”
I shake my arm free of his grasp and grunt.
“I don’t need help. I got this. The time is comin’, brother.”
Chapter 29
“Ninja is a lost cause. The motherfucker tore through the clubhouse when he learned you sent Braylynn back. She was the only leverage he had over Tip. Tip needs her for his own reasons, but Ninja, shit he just lost all fuckin’ control.” Stone’s face is hardened. He looks older in a way even though we saw him not that long ago. The stress lines are evident on his face. I reach up and touch my lip to see if the bleeding has stopped, which it has.
“What’s his game plan now?” Hawk asks.
Stone blows out a breath before looking around the table. “He’s gonna try to move in on the Crashed MC. He wants that patch over. Nick is valuable. And not just to them. If he patched over, he’s useful to the Aces, as well. That’s what Ninja is aimin’ for. He wants us to run in there and fuck shit up. Take out some of the lower levels so that Tip knows he means business.” Stone blows out a breath before knocking back his shot. He slams the glass on the table in front of him as I nurse my beer along. Apparently, the hard liquor has been taken away from me for the moment.
“What do your boys think about that?” Draven asks. My eyes stay focused on Stone. Mostly because he’s across the table and too much motion makes my head swim.
“They don’t want it. We don’t need shit from the Crashed. We have our allies and they ain’t one of them. They wanna vote Ninja out, but he still has a good followin’ that’s willin’ to step up to the plate for him. I, for
one, won’t. I don’t want this war. We don’t need it. It’s useless. Nick is one goddamn SEAL out of how many out there? A few phone calls to the right people and we have a fuckin’ SEAL. Easy as that.” He flips his hand through the air to make his point.
I get what he’s saying. Hell, one phone call to Hell’s Fire MC and we could have two marines down here in a week. Something is off with this Nick bullshit. Something that I’m pretty sure we aren’t going to like. I can feel it creep its way up my spine.
“What? You feel somethin’,” Hawk asks pointing at me. I’m so fucking wasted I wouldn’t know my asshole from my dick but I know that feeling when it hits me.
“Somethin’ ain’t right with that Nick guy. Shits not right, Hawk.” I shake my head and take a long pull from my beer. His eyes light up a little. I hate that I’m so fucked I can’t even keep up with club shit these days. I hate that I feel the way I do but fuck. This whole Braylynn thing is taking a toll on my mind and my body. I miss her. I miss her touch. I miss the way she’d keep that demon at bay with just a fucking glance my way.
“You in? I need to know before we move forward here, Smokey. I get what you want your end game to be but I need you right now. You wanna finish yourself when this shit is over, I won’t step in your way. But I do need my goddamn VP to step up and do his job right now. Can you fuckin’ do that?” Hawk roars to life.
I glance around at the other guys. My heart’s heavy in my chest. I want to say no for her. I want to say no for me. I don’t want to be sober and deal with the actual physical feelings when this is all said and done. But this is my life. This is what I was born to do. This club is who I am.
“You got me, Hawk. I’m in.”
The room explodes in cheers. I don’t need that shit because I’m only doing this to get my revenge. Not just for my family. For Braylynn. Her death doesn’t have to be for nothing. She needs to go out like a fucking hero. She deserves that little slice of peace even if she can only see it from up above. That’s good enough for me. And then maybe by some sick twist of fate, I will get one last glimpse of her on my way out of this world. I owe it to her.
