by Erin Trejo
Fuck! Why is she doing this to me.
“Because you’re better than that, Braylynn! You deserve better than me!” I shove her off me and climb out of the bed. I grab my clothes and head into my room, slamming the door behind me. I need to get my fucking head straight. Storming into the bathroom, I flip the shower on the hottest I can get it before climbing in. My fist tightens. I slam it into the tile wall of the shower over and over until blood drips down every surface. I’m completely fucked. The whole fucking plan that I had has been blown to shit. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to.
I lower my head and close my eyes as visions of my mother’s eyes dance behind my lids. The disappointment that I can practically feel eats at me. She would be disappointed in me for doing this to Bray. She would hate me for it.
And I couldn’t fucking blame her. I hate me right now, too.
Chapter 23
Every day makes me edgier. I’m slipping closer and closer to a breaking point that isn’t going to be easy to come back from. Bray tries. God, she fucking tries. She comes into my room at night, trying to talk to me. All I want is to give in and hold her. I want to take her and make her mine in every way possible. I can’t bring myself to do it though. The guilt of what I’ve done to her, the ways I’ve ruined her – it all tugs at me. Regret was never something I was a fan of. I never needed it. I never did anything that I felt remorse for, but everything I’ve done to Bray just seems so fucking wrong now.
“What do you wanna do? Let her go? Send her back?” Hawk asks passing me the joint.
“She goes back, she’s dead. I let her leave, she’s dead.”
“And if you keep her?” he asks surprising the shit out of me.
“She’s dead.”
“Come on, Smokey! I get what you’re thinkin’, brother, I do. You’re torn here. The revenge you wanted turned into somethin’ more. If you both feel it, why not keep her around? We can handle the club blow back,” Hawk snaps.
He doesn’t get it.
“Do you know what I’ve done to her? Have you not seen the look on her face when she’s walked in here? The marks? The fear in her fuckin’ eyes, Hawk? I’ve ruined her. I did what I fuckin’ set out to do; I broke her.” His eyes fall from mine. That’s better. He gets it now. He knows I’ve fucked any chance to have and keep her. I’ve done things I can never take back. A part of me doesn’t care either. I wanted her like that. I wanted to do those things to her.
“She’s different,” Hawk says, his tone calmer now.
“Yeah. She is but that doesn’t mean shit. I’m a fuckin’ monster, Hawk. We all know it.” He nods his head finally agreeing with me.
“We have time. Think about what the next move is with her. I’ll back you either way, Smokey. You’re my family.” I nod my head before resting it in my hands. Hawk slaps my back before he walks away from me, leaving me to my own thoughts. They aren’t good thoughts either.
My head’s a mess. My heart’s even worse. I miss them so fucking much it hurts. It’s a real physical pain that radiates through my body. I want them back. I want my family back.
I shove out of the chair and head into the main room. My body is tense. There she is. Sitting with her long hair hanging down her shoulders. The sadness dancing in her eyes. I hate it all. I hate me.
“What the hell is goin’ on?” Draven asks stepping up next to me. He follows my gaze before dragging his eyes back to mine.
“I don’t know what to do with her, man. She deserves better. I fucked up bringin’ her here. The things that happened to her before…Fuck!” I blow out a breath and tug at my hair.
“You love her?” he asks. I shake my head. Love is something I’m not capable of. “You care though,” he states. I nod once.
“Look, she was broken before you brought here, Smokey. You’re not a good guy. We all fuckin’ know it but you were before they died. You weren’t always this way. Ruthless, deadly, crazy as fuck, yes. But the darkness? It came after. There’s a way to keep that at bay, brother.” Draven slaps my shoulder before walking toward Bray with a bottle of water in hand. He drops into the chair in front of her, passing her the bottle. My heart skips in my chest. He’s right. I’ve always been off and had strange fucking fetishes but I was never this bad.
I turn around and grab the Jack off the bar and take a long pull letting the liquid burn its way down my throat.
“Got a problem,” Hawk says. I snap my head around to look at him. The look in his eyes is all I needed to see. He’s pissed.
“What is it?” I ask, taking another pull.
“Fuckin’ Crashed have Debby.” The world spins around me. There’s no way. What the hell? How did they get her? “They wanna trade. They know we have Braylynn.”
My stomach knots up. Bile races up my throat. I take another drink to smother the taste before throwing the bottle at the wall with a roar.
“I won’t fuckin’ do it!” I roar. The guys all look at me but I caught her attention too.
“We can’t leave Debby in there!” Hawk snaps. I know that. Does he think I don’t know that! Fuck! What the hell am I going to do now?
“Church in ten!” Hawk roars.
Draven nods and stands to alert the rest of the guys. Bray watches me from across the room. She’s skittish and on edge. She shoves up slowly and walks toward me. Her hands rest on my chest, fire shoots through my body.
“What’s wrong?” she asks. She’s so sincere. So, perfect. Goddamn it!
“Your dad has one of our girls. They wanna trade. They know we have you,” I tell her. Braylynn sucks in a breath, her eyes filling with tears. She sniffles a few times before straightening her spine.
“Okay. Okay,” she says softly. She sucks in a deep breath before she turns the tables on me.
“I’m ready. Trade me.”
Chapter 24
“Not happenin’,” I tell her and brush her to the side. I walk past her but her little hand wraps around my wrist.
“This isn’t your decision anymore, Smokey. It’s mine. And I’m ready.”
I cock my head to the side and look down at her. She’s not thinking this through. She isn’t thinking clearly. “What gave you the impression that you had any choices around here?” I nearly growl at her.
“You can’t leave your girl there. They won’t give her back. We both know it has to end this way.”
I shake my head dismissing every word she just said to me. She must see the look in my eyes. She releases my arm, turns on her heel and stomps toward the office. I mumble a million curse words behind her and follow her in. The guys are starting to file in but they take one look at her and stop.
“What the hell is this?” Hawk asks, motioning toward her. Bray straightens her back and looks him in the eyes.
“Trade me back. Trade me for your girl. I don’t give a shit what he says.” Pointing over her shoulder at me, but I shake my head. “I know what they’d do to her. The trade will be easiest.”
My hands clench and unclench at my sides. My nerves are on edge as it is. Anger boils its way through my blood.
“Do you realize what you’re askin’ for? That mark on your chest is a death sentence, darlin’. Are you prepared to die?” Hawk looks her in the eyes when he talks. He isn’t hostile. He’s as calm as ever when he asks her that. I didn’t miss the sob from Bray either. She’s torn as to what to do.
“Either way I was going to die. Whether it was them or him. Why should I let that poor woman suffer when it’s easier to pass me back?”
I feel like my body is vibrating. I feel like at any moment I could explode. My heart rate is rising when Hawk looks to me.
“Are you prepared to let him go?” He nods at me. Bray peeks at me over her shoulder.
At first, I think she’s going to turn away from me but she doesn’t. She turns to fully face me. She takes the step, closing the space between us. Her hands come up to touch my cheeks. Her warmth floods me.
“You did what you had to in order to make th
ings right. There is no shame in that. I don’t blame you for any of it. What they did was so wrong. I wish I could have brought them back to you, but I can’t. I’m so fucking sorry they took the one thing you loved away from you, Smokey, but this is what needs to be done. This is my redemption.” Her eyes water, her lip trembling.
“I’ll make the call,” I say. The words hurt to even say them. There’s nothing I can do though. Bray nods her head with a slight smile on her lips.
“Thank you for showing me another side of myself, a side I didn’t know I had. One that proves I can be strong and hold my ground.” Her lip trembles with each word that leaves her mouth.
My heart shatters into a million little pieces. Nothing is ever going to be the same after this because I won’t fucking let it. I will blame myself, hate myself and torture myself for her. “Go to the house. Wait for me.” She nods her head and walks past me. I take my seat at the table but no one makes a move to say anything. They don’t know what the hell to say and frankly, neither do I. I feel like I’m losing my family all over again. It feels like the one time I thought I could escape the pain, it comes back twice as hard.
“We don’t have to do this. We can find another way,” Hawk says. I can feel his eyes on me but I don’t look over at him.
“Yeah. Let’s call up North and see what they think,” Draven adds. I shake my head, slamming my hands on the table in front of me.
“No! This shit ends here. We all know what the fuck I set out to do with her. We knew this was comin’ either way! Now they have a member of our family and we are gettin’ her back! Can we plot somethin’ for them later? Fuck yeah, but right now we know they got a fuckin’ SEAL in their ranks. We know they have an advantage with that. I’ll make the fuckin’ call.” The room is silent. Too silent. Hawk clears his throat.
“Anyone else have anything to say on that?” No one says a word just like I knew they wouldn’t. What the fuck could they say?
“Alright then. Clear out and let the man make the call.” The guys stand and walk out but Draven stops next to me. His hand comes to rest on my shoulder before he says, “She may go back in for now, but we’ll figure out how to get in there and get her back later.” I nod my head not knowing what to say to him. There won’t be a later. I marked her. I had her branded as my property. That’s a death sentence for her. We both know it. I slide my cell out and look to Hawk for the number.
He slides a slip of paper across the table to me but before he moves his hand, he asks, “You sure about this? I’m not usually the one to give options but fuck, Smokey. This situation is different. It’s been fucked for months now.” I swallow hard before looking back up at him.
“It’s what needs to be done.”
Chapter 25
I made the call with my heart in my throat. Tip agreed to the exchange just like I knew he would. We all knew he would. Trading Bray back to those motherfuckers wasn’t high on my list of things to do. In fact, I don’t want to do it. I have to, though. I walk in silence back to the house. The cool night air brushing over my heated skin. I feel like a bubbling volcano about to erupt. There’s nothing I can do about it either. I walk in the front door but I don’t see Bray anywhere. I’m guessing she’s in her room but when I get to the end of the hallway, she isn’t there either. Moving across the hall, I push my door open to find her sitting in the middle of my bed naked with the blindfold on. My heart works overtime as I take her in.
“What are you doin’ in here?” I ask, pulling my cut off and tossing it to the side.
“Have you ever made a wish, Smokey?” she asks softly. I pull my shirt over my head and kick off my boots.
“No. Never had anything to wish for,” I tell her as I strip out of my pants. When I’m completely naked, I walk closer to the bed and Bray begins to speak in a solemn tone.
“When I was younger I would wish that I was a boy. I wanted to be what my dad wanted. I didn’t want to be the odd one, you know? I thought about it a lot back then but as I got older I didn’t understand why I would wish that. I was who I was and there was no shame in it.” I climb onto the edge of the bed, running my fingers up her exposed thigh. Her body shakes.
“Take it off,” I tell her with a gravelly voice. Bray shakes her head. “Why not?” I ask harshly.
“You have nothin’ to be ashamed of, Braylynn. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect. You are the bravest woman I’ve ever met in my life. You were dealt a shitty hand in life. You had parents that were bastards and then you were used by the worst monster of them all.” I reach up and untie the cloth letting it slip down her body. I slowly drag it over her shoulder watching the bumps form as I do. Braylynn looks up at me, her eyes dancing with a danger all their own.
“What you did to me? I liked it. What kind of monster does that make me?” Her voice squeaks slightly.
“You didn’t like it. You didn’t know what you were supposed to feel, Bray.”
Her hands come to rest on my chest when she sighs. “I was never the good girl type, Smokey. When you’d spank me, I liked it. When you would bite me, my whole body would come alive. If that was your torture, you failed.” She laughs a sweet little laugh.
My chest tightens. What is happening here? What is this thing between us?
“Come here.” I motion for her to climb in my lap. She does as she was told without question. She slowly slides down my length with a moan. I kiss her neck softly, not wanting to ruin the last time I will be inside of her. I want her to think about this moment and not be afraid of me.
“I wish I wouldn’t have taken you that day,” I breathe against her while she rocks slowly on my dick.
“I’m glad you did,” she replies. Her arms wrap around me, pulling me into her. I lick my way up her neck until I get to her earlobe, nipping it softly.
“You wouldn’t be broken if I hadn’t.”
“I was broken before you took me, Smokey. Don’t you see that? You were slowly fixing me.” Her voice is no more than a whisper. I raise my hips letting her feel the full length of me. I pull away from her neck and press my lips to hers. The kiss is soft and fragile, just like the woman in my arms right now.
“We don’t have to do this,” I tell her. “We can find another way.” Her body begins to tremble.
“We have to do this. There was never another way,” she gasps as I rock my hips to get deeper into her.
“I don’t wanna let you go,” I whisper as her pussy clenches around me.
“You don’t have a choice,” she says right before saying my name softly. “Smokey.” Her words are spoken through her tears.
I increase my grip on her and hold her against my body not ready to give this up just yet. I need this. I fucking need her and I’ve lost her. I let my own selfishness ruin something that could have been perfect.
“Promise me something, Smokey,” she whispers into my neck. I swallow all the guilt that I have building up inside of me.
“Anything.”
“Promise me that you will find yourself again. The real you. The one who didn’t need to inflict hurt. The one who loved his family with all of his heart.” Her words sting. I don’t know who that is anymore. I’m not that guy.
“I promise I’ll try. I can’t say that I will because that may not be an option after this. I don’t think I will ever be the same, Bray.”
“Your mistakes don’t define who you are, Smokey. Let them go. Find who you truly are. I know that man is still in there. I’m with him right now,” she whispers softly against my ear.
I run my hand up and down her back until her body relaxes and I know she’s asleep. The thought of packing her into my truck and running has crossed my mind more than once over the past few hours. I’ve sat here, holding her, being inside of her, not moving for hours. I can’t bring myself to let her go. I may have fucked up by taking her and hurting her the way I did, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t find something in the process. I found a soft spot. I found the one thing that made my life a little easier. I f
ound a light in the dark and now I have to give it up.
“I promise that I will find you again, Bray. Someway, I will find you.”
Chapter 26
The morning light filters in through the window. I groan and try to stretch but I can’t seem to move. I glance down and Bray is sprawled across my chest. Her long dark hair hangs off to the side. Her lips are parted slightly as she sleeps. I reach up and run my hand through her hair. My stomach trembles when my phone pings. I know what time it is without looking. I don’t need them to call me and tell me.
“Bray. Wake up.” I nudge her a little. She lifts her head, opening her eyes just a little.
“Is it time to go?” She yawns. God, how is she okay with this?
“Yeah, little flower. It’s time to go.”
She shoves herself up and looks down at me. A sad smile crosses her face. She stands from the bed pulling her clothes on. I watch her as I reach for my own. There’s knot in the pit of my stomach.
“You want breakfast?” Why do I even ask that? Who the fuck wants to eat when they know they’re about to be delivered to their death?
“No. I’m fine.” She pulls her shoes on and leaves the room quickly. I do the same and head out of the room. I walk out the front door and stretch before lighting up a cigarette. Bray stands there looking as peaceful as ever.
“I made a wish last night,” she says.
I step up next to her and gaze down at her. “Oh yeah? What was it?”
She looks up with a smile, plucking the cigarette from my lips and moving it to hers.
“I wished that somehow, someway you will find a way to be happy. That you will be able to move on from a past that still haunts you.” She inhales before blowing out a ring of smoke.
My heart hurts. It’s the same kind of pain that I felt when my family was killed. It literally tugs at my heart and it feels like it’s being ripped in half. Bray passes me my cigarette back, I place it between my lips.
