Beneath Him

by Kant, Komal

  My chest squeezed and I couldn’t hold in the tears any longer as I stared down at my little girl. Madeline blinked up at me in surprise and reached out for my hand.

  Her little fingers curled around mine.

  In that moment she took a hold of my heart, too.

  Sky

  I wasn’t sure if this was reality or a dream.

  Because, surely, only crazy things like this happened in your wildest dreams, or an over-the-top soap opera.

  A rollercoaster of thoughts were racing through my mind as I stumbled upstairs to my room, hoping I didn’t run into anyone. I was upset, I was relieved; I was disgusted, I was mad. I wanted to leave, I wanted to stay.

  I needed to talk to my mom, but she wasn’t here. I had to talk to someone and Erin was the only one I could confide in.

  Head spinning, I dialed Erin’s number with shaky fingers when I reached the safety of my room. As the phone rang, I fell back onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling and wondering how I had managed to squeeze myself into the center of such a huge disaster.

  Because that was the only way to define it—disaster—and poor Madeline was suffering because of Nick’s selfishness.

  “What’s up?” Erin finally answered, sounding out of breath. “Stavros and I were just in the middle of-”

  “Don’t wanna know,” I interjected quickly before she could go any further.

  “Tennis!” she finished. “God, you have a dirty mind. It’s way too early to bang. We’re saving that for later on.”

  I didn’t bother telling her that Nick and I had already done that. The time of day hadn’t really been an issue for us.

  “Do you have a second?” I asked, toying with a string of my hair and wondering if it was also the wrong time of day to start drinking. Probably—but a glass of something strong would definitely help right about now.

  “Of course,” she said immediately. “What’s going on?”

  Taking a deep breath, I relayed everything to her, letting the words tumble out of mouth in a mess. I told her everything—Matt and Nick’s stare down, my own revelation, Nick’s confession—everything.

  It was freeing to be able to talk to someone about this without any secrets or lies or hidden agendas. It also made me miss home, even though I didn’t have much to go back to.

  “Oh, Sky,” Erin said, not sounding like her usual upbeat self. “I don’t know what to say to you. I keep thinking about poor Madeline. Do you know how she’s doing?”

  I shook my head as though she could see me. “No, but I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I just, I feel betrayed by everyone, even though their loyalty doesn’t lie with me.”

  “You still wish someone had let it slip?” Erin finished, sounding calm and collected.

  “Yeah,” I said, my tone wistful. “And now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be here anymore. I know there’s not a lot for me back home, but at least there aren’t lies or secrets.”

  Erin didn’t say anything, and it was nice to have a silence stretch between us that was comforting. That was what I loved about Erin; she could talk your ear off, but she knew when to be serious.

  “This is really about Nick, isn’t it?” she asked finally. “You have feelings for him and you’re upset because it took him so long to tell you the truth.”

  I couldn’t lie to her about my feelings for him. She had figured it out without me even saying a word. But it was true—I did have feelings for him. They were feelings that were unexpected, but that didn’t make them any less real.

  “I never thought it would turn out this way.” I was almost whispering, caught up in my thoughts. “I don’t think either of us really saw it coming. One day I looked back and couldn’t picture not having him around.” I took a deep breath, my lips quivering as Nick’s words came back to me. “He told me that he loves me, but after all the lies, I don’t know what to believe.”

  Erin gasped. “He told you he loves you!” She was practically shrieking into the phone.

  So much for calm and collected; this high-pitched Erin was the one I was accustomed to.

  “Yes, today after we had sex.” Might as well get it all out.

  “What the fuck! Why didn’t you tell me before?” she demanded, and it sounded like I’d just told her that I was an extraterrestrial. “These are crucial events in your life, Sky! You haven’t had sex since that one minute disaster, and don’t even get me started on the “love” part. Oh, my God, I can’t even deal right now.”

  Could you say overdramatic?

  “It literally happened like an hour ago,” I reasoned.

  “I don’t care, Sky! This is huge!” She continued with her mini rant. “What did you say?”

  I paused. “Um, well, the smoke alarm went off and I kind of, sort of, didn’t really get a chance to say anything back.” It now occurred to me how idiotic I sounded.

  “Are you kidding me? You didn’t say anything?” She went on in a quieter voice. “What did you want to say?”

  Her words surprised me, even though she hadn’t said anything outrageous. I mean, I should know how I felt about Nick; we’d grown so close over the last few weeks that it was ridiculous I hadn’t vocalized my feelings.

  “Well,” I said slowly, trying to wrap my head around how I felt, “I would’ve reciprocated, but after the truth came out, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I can stay here.”

  That was the honest truth. Even though I had feelings for Nick and cared about him, I wasn’t sure what to think of the person who had acted like he didn’t have a daughter for the last four years. That was seriously messed up and wrong on so many levels.

  “Maybe ask for a few days off to gather your thoughts and see how you feel; then make a decision,” Erin suggested.

  “I don’t know what the right decision is.”

  I felt so torn, so confused, so lost—I hadn’t felt like this since the day I’d lost my mom. The same numbness was present in my body. I was thinking and feeling, but my body wasn’t entirely processing everything.

  “You will.” Erin sounded confident, which made me feel a little better.

  A knock on the door had me jolting upright on the bed. My eyes darted toward the other end of the room, as I stared at the door with a sinking feeling in my stomach. If that was Nick then I didn’t want to see him. It was too soon and I needed time.

  “Erin, someone’s at the door. I gotta go.”

  “Okay, call me if you need me. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  Hanging up, I slid off the bed and put my phone aside. Apprehension built up inside of me as I slowly advanced towards the door, willing for Nick to not be on the other side.

  Taking a deep breath, I pulled open the door and blinked to make sure I wasn’t imagining things.

  “Chloe?” I asked in surprise.

  Somehow, in the last thirty minutes she’d had time to change into a navy blue pantsuit and reapply her makeup. She gave me a tight-lipped smile and adjusted the expensive watch around her wrist.

  “Can I have a moment of your time?” she asked, her tone unusually polite.

  ‘Unusually polite’ was the nice way of putting it; maybe ‘scarily polite’ was more appropriate, since I was now concerned that her civil tone of voice was just an act and she was actually going to do something crazy.

  “Uh, sure,” I said, feeling thoroughly paranoid as I stepped aside to let her in.

  Chloe floated in past me, her pungent perfume wafting in along with her. She stopped in the center of the room and gazed around, and I had to wonder if she was about to criticize me for the upkeep of the room.

  “Ah,” she said finally turning to me with a wistful expression on her face. “I haven’t been in here since Emily changed rooms. We were going to give this room to Madeline, but for obvious reasons we couldn’t.”

  I wasn’t sure if the obvious reason was the ungodly sounds that came from Nick’s room or the fact that he wouldn’t want to be this close to Ma
deline.

  I remained decidedly silent, waiting for her to explain why she’d come to see me. My natural reaction was to assume I’d done something wrong in her eyes—was she going to fire me for burning a pie? Then again, she hadn’t made any of the usual scowling faces she normally did when she saw me, so who knew with this woman?

  “I am sure you are wondering why I’m here,” she said, appearing uncomfortable as her icy eyes drifted to the left a little.

  I shrugged, taking a few steps into the room and trying not to seem anxious, which I was. Anxiety should be my middle name, that’s how on edge I was right now.

  “I want to explain the reason why I have acted a certain way towards you.” She sighed, a distant look in her eyes. “Every mother wants the best for her son, and even though Nicholas was young, he had found the best. Celia was someone magical, a beautiful soul. No one will ever come close to what she meant to us.”

  I felt like “fling” was putting it nicely; I would’ve gone with “whore” myself.

  “Go on,” I said, nodding encouragingly.

  “I could tell from the beginning that you were starting to mean something more to Nicholas than one of his usual flings.” She took a shaky breath. “That’s why I was so determined to warn you away from him. It’s terrifying to see your son move on with someone else. Celia meant a lot to me, and it finally took me until now to realize that for Nicholas to move on, I had to move on, too.”

  I wasn’t upset by Chloe’s words. I could see where she was coming from. It was hard to replace someone who was that special in your life. It was unbelievable that I was even thinking this, but I actually felt bad for her.

  “I understand how important she was to you, considering she was Madeline’s mother. I’m not trying to take her place. I’m just trying to be there for Nick. What I feel for him is real. I wasn’t drawn to Nick because of his money. I was drawn to him because he started opening up to me.”

  Chloe’s expression softened as she gave me a strained smile. “I see that now. I see that you are the best thing for Nicholas. No one has ever been able to convince him to acknowledge Madeline. I don’t know what it is about you, but something about you resonated with him.”

  Her words floored me. I had never in a million years imagined that Chloe would be saying this to me right now. Her husband, yes. Emily, yes. But not the Evil Queen of Beverly Hills—not her.

  But it was too little too late. It didn’t matter who backed me and Nick now. My feelings for him were frozen. I was unable to process them or make any sense of how I felt about him.

  “We both found a friend in one another,” I said simply.

  “And what about love?” she pressed in earnest.

  “Uh.” There was that word again; the one I wasn’t sure of anymore. “The circumstances have changed. I need some time, I guess. Do you think I could have a few days off just to figure things out?”

  “I’m sure Mrs. Potts can take over.” Chloe’s eyes didn’t seem as cold as they normally appeared. “But remember, the circumstances haven’t changed; just your perspective of them has.”

  And, deep down I knew she was right, but I didn’t know how to let go of what I’d discovered.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Nick

  The past three days had been the easiest, yet most difficult, days of my life.

  The easiness had come from the experience of being around Madeline and realizing how natural it was to be her father. She was warm, bright, and had a lot of love to give. There had been a dark hole inside of me for years; it had consumed everything and anything that came into contact with me, but now Madeline was restoring it with love and happiness.

  The difficulty had been the knowledge that I could have started to heal myself a long time ago if I’d let Madeline into my life. That was my own fault, and I would have to come to terms with it.

  There would always be a scar inside of me, but a scar didn’t always have to be a reminder of something bad. Sometimes a scar was just a memory that you would never be able to recreate. Celia was my scar.

  “You have to pay attensun to this part!” Madeline squeezed my hand in excitement as we snuggled together on beanbags, watching Frozen.

  “Okay, kid,” I said with an amused smile, wondering how the hell she could have so much enthusiasm for a movie she’d watched about twenty times already.

  Just as the song about building a snowman came on, Dad walked into the room carrying a briefcase, dressed in a charcoal grey Armani suit. I recognized it as one of his “court” suits.

  “Court today?” I asked him.

  “Yes,” Dad said with a nod. “Remember that case where the publicity company’s contract stated that their client was supposed to maintain a clean image-”

  “Shhh!” Madeline said, stopping mid-singing to shoot us an annoyed look.

  “Sorry, sorry.” Laughing at the scowl on her face, I held my hands up in defense and got up from my spot on the beanbag.

  I was quickly coming to the conclusion that you didn’t mess with Madeline when it came to Frozen.

  Dad chuckled, studying Madeline with affection on his face. “I didn’t mean to bother you two. I just wanted to have a quick word, Nicholas.”

  “Sure,” I said, approaching him and noticing the serious line across his forehead. “Is something wrong?”

  “That depends.” I watched as Dad straightened his tie, letting the silence stretch before he spoke. “Is everything okay with you?”

  Glancing back over at Madeline, I couldn’t help but smile as she continued to sing the snowman song. It was amazing that she knew all the words. Maybe that was normal for four-year-olds, but I didn’t know a lot about children so it was impressive to me.

  “I am now,” I responded without taking my eyes off her.

  “Really?” Dad’s tone was skeptical.

  My eyes shot back to him. A frown had taken over his mouth, and it was directed at me. He didn’t need to elaborate. His eyes were stern, and I knew what those eyes were asking me—he was referring to Sky.

  Truthfully, I didn’t know what the hell to do about Sky. She was the one who had opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong, yet she was shutting me out now. Mom had told me that Sky had asked for time off, and I knew it had everything to do with me. I’d fucked up. She hated me, just like I always knew she would after the truth came out.

  I didn’t want to push her away even more, so I’d kept my distance. Besides, the past few days with Madeline had been a blessing. That didn’t mean I didn’t miss Sky. Of course I fucking missed her. I missed her warm body next to mine. I missed waking up to her first thing in the morning. I missed her voice, and her smile, and those eyes that I could lose myself in.

  But there was nothing else I could do. I’d told her the truth. She hadn’t come to me. I’d done what I could.

  “I’m pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me,” I admitted, the words tasting bitter in my mouth.

  “Have you spoken to her since that day?” he asked, but from the tone of his voice I could tell he already knew I hadn’t.

  I shook my head.

  “Then how can you know?” he asked, his forehead puckering with disapproval.

  “I just do. I know she hates me.” My fists clenched at my sides at the thought of Sky hating me. “I told her I loved her. She knows how I feel about her.”

  “So you’re going to let the woman you love walk out of your life?” Dad asked, the disappointment clear in his voice. “Have you learned nothing from this? You can’t avoid an issue, hoping it will get better over time. You need to confront your demons.”

  I remained silent, lost in his words.

  Dad sighed, rubbing the side of his head with a hand. “Picture the rest of your life, Nicholas. If you can picture it without her by your side, then let her go.”

  I closed my eyes.

  In my mind I saw Madeline standing on a snow-covered hill with light flakes of snow falling on her hair. Standing beside her, holdi
ng her hand, was a woman—not just any woman—the woman I loved.

  The thought of not having Sky in my life was like being stabbed with emptiness. Darkness and loneliness seeped into me as happiness flooded out. How could I lose the person who had put me back together?

  I opened my eyes, my head reeling. “I-I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I haven’t seen her in three days. I don’t know how she’s been. I haven’t even asked her. God, I’m so fucking stupid.”

  My eyes immediately shot to Madeline, but she was too engrossed in her movie to look up. I had to remember to censor myself.

  “Go to her.” Dad reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder, his gaze steady. “She’s in the garden, exactly where she’s been for the past three days. Tell her how you feel. Don’t let her fade away from your life like a memory you couldn’t hold onto.”

  He was right. I couldn’t lose her in this world—not in this lifetime. I was a screw up, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes. I would have Sky in my life or I would die trying.

  “I love Sky,” declared a tiny voice.

  We both turned to see Madeline staring at us with this determined look on her face.

  Crap. Had she heard our entire conversation?

  “We didn’t mean to bother you. Grandpa was just leaving,” I said quickly, realizing that we hadn’t been paying attention to what she was doing.

  Madeline pursed her lips. “I love Sky,” she repeated. “I want her to be with us forever.”

  My eyes were stinging, and it took me a second to realize that biting tears were trying to force their way out.

  When my own daughter was telling me to keep Sky in my life, how could I refuse her? I wasn’t the only one who had grown close to Sky—Madeline had, too.

  “She will be,” I said, trying to contain the strong surge of emotion that was hitting me like a wave. “I’ll make sure she does.”

  Sky

  My body knew it was cold, but my mind couldn’t give a damn.

  For the last three days, I’d braved the dropping temperatures to come out here and sit on this very bench and stare out across the desolate garden.