The Secret She Kept

by Amy Knupp

  She put her feet on a chair and lay across the table. The fact was more than just Jake’s knowing about Allie bothered her. Added to it was a bone-deep fear that her relationship with her daughter would get even worse.

  The sound of Logan giggling at something snapped Savannah out of her self-pity fest and made her realize how easily one of the kids could find her here being pathetic and ashamed. She wearily sat up and slid to her feet, wiped the tears away, then busied herself tidying the coffee area. Which really wasn’t messy. She just needed a few moments to regain her composure before facing everyone.

  So much for not losing control again.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “MICHAEL ISN’T ALLIE’S biological father.” Savannah squirmed and closed her eyes for a moment, then got the nerve to face her two sisters, who were seated on the couch next to her. They’d been bugging her the entire car ride to the bridal shop to tell them what was wrong, why she was so uptight. Now they knew.

  Katie, the youngest Salinger sister and the bride-to-be, was smiling, clearly not believing what Savannah had said. She pulled her light brown hair up to the back of her head and secured it with a hairband. Lindsey, the oldest, grabbed Savannah’s arm, brown eyes wide, her other hand resting protectively over her pregnant belly. Katie noticed, and then she, too, became serious.

  “You’re not joking, are you?”

  “I wouldn’t joke about this,” Savannah said as she bolted off the couch and paced.

  The fitting room was as big as a living room, in order to accomodate three different pedestals surrounded by mirrors, long wedding-dress trains, and the number of people who invariably accompanied a bride to such ordeals. Today there were just the three Salingers. The other bridesmaid, Eve, couldn’t make it, and would have to drop by for her final fitting later that week. Claudia, their stepmother, was also absent, on a weekend trip to Vegas with their dad. This was the last fitting before Katie and Noah’s wedding, and the sales associate had gone in search of their gowns.

  “Whoa,” Katie said. “Scandal in the family. Who, pray tell, is the father?”

  “Katie,” Lindsey scolded. But she, too, waited for an answer.

  “Probably someone you don’t know. His name is Jake Barnes.”

  “No way! I totally remember him,” Lindsey said. “You used to talk about him nonstop.”

  The saleslady arrived just then, lugging Katie’s dress. “Here is the bride’s,” she said. “Let’s start with you and then I’ll go get the other girls’.”

  Katie slipped her jeans and sweater off her perfect size-six body and walked over to where the woman was removing the plastic covering from the gown. “Thanks—” she read the woman’s name tag “—Beth. I don’t remember Jake.” The last was said to Savannah and Lindsey.

  “You could stand to eat a sandwich or two,” Savannah said at the sight of her sister’s thin frame.

  “Stop,” Katie said. “I’m starving. Now, who’s Jake?”

  The bridal shop they were in was located in Topeka. The fact that they didn’t know anyone in the city was the only reason Savannah dared to continue the conversation.

  “He was in my class from kindergarten on. We competed in everything. Something about him has always egged me on. At first the rivalry was natural. Then he started taunting me and encouraging it. I used to hate him,” Savannah said.

  “I’m not sure hate’s the right word,” Lindsey mused. “I recall how much you talked about him. Usually complaining, yes, but an unnatural amount of it. I used to think you had a crush on him.” She took the dress from Beth and began digging through the layers of material to try to slip it over Katie’s head.

  Savannah made a sound of disgust, a cross between a grunt and a laugh. “He’s always made me crazy. He gets my pulse up every time I’m in contact with him, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Not always, anyhow.”

  “He gets under your skin,” Lindsey said.

  “Yes. Exactly.”

  “Then how in the world did you end up sleeping together?” Katie asked this from inside the dress, so she didn’t immediately catch the glare Savannah shot her.

  When Katie’s head finally emerged from the white satin, Savannah made a discreet gesture toward the sales-clerk, and Katie mouthed, Sorry.

  Savannah helped Lindsey arrange the skirt of the wedding dress as the woman left the room.

  “It’s not like we’re ever going to see her again after we pick up the dresses, Van. She doesn’t care what we’re talking about. So, how did this happen?”

  “The usual way.”

  “She means how did you and Jake get together,” Lindsey said as she started fastening the million little hooks down the back of Katie’s dress.

  Savannah stood aside to admire her sister. “You’re stunning.”

  Katie attempted to turn and primp, but the dress didn’t seem easy to move in. “Thanks. Now answer the question.”

  Savannah sat on a stool in the middle of the room and crossed her arms. “We were at a party one night during winter break my freshman year in college. My friends—the ones I’d ridden there with—had an accident when they went out to pick up snacks. I’d stayed at the party but was pretty freaked out when we heard the news. Jake became Super Caring Guy and took me to visit them at the hospital in Layton so I could stop worrying.

  “After I’d gotten reports on all of them—they wouldn’t let me in to visit Lisa, who was hurt the worst—neither of us was in the mood to return to the party. We didn’t want to go home, either.”

  Savannah stood again, unable to sit still. “This is the embarrassing part. We went to an old barn near his house. The owners only used one part of it, for a couple horses. It was warm and private.”

  “The proverbial roll in the hay,” Katie said from up on her pedestal.

  “Hey, watch it. All I have to do is push you and you’ll be tangled in satin for a week.” Savannah managed a half grin in spite of how uncomfortable she felt baring all.

  The fact was she’d needed to confide in her sisters. Needed to talk to someone about the insanity she’d been going through this past week.

  “For once, Jake wasn’t trying to get to me and I wasn’t trying to one-up him. We just…talked. Something clicked. We connected over losing our mothers, and so much more. We spent the whole night there and it was…well, it was the best sex of my life.”

  Beth reentered the room, carrying two coral dresses. “Usually, it’s the bride we overhear saying that,” she commented with a grin, and if Savannah had been the blushing type, she would’ve been beet-red.

  She took her gown and laid it over the end of the couch while she undressed. Lindsey was nearby, doing the same.

  “Wow!” Katie called, from the perch where she was stuck. “Your bump has become a bulge!” She pointed at Lindsey’s belly.

  “I want to touch,” Savannah declared, shooting back in time to when she’d been pregnant. “May I?”

  Lindsey rolled her eyes and nodded. “A girl can’t keep anything private anymore, can she?”

  “Hey, I just told you the biggest secret of my life. The least you can do is let me feel the baby kick.”

  “He’s apparently napping this morning.”

  “The seamstress will be in in a few minutes,” Beth told them. “I’ll help you two get your dresses on. I hope that baby hasn’t grown too much.” She looked doubtfully at Lindsey’s middle.

  Once they were all in their gowns and waiting for the seamstress, Beth left the room to help another bridal group.

  Lindsey studied herself in one of the mirrors. “I’m never going to forgive you for getting married while I’m pregnant.”

  “You’re gorgeous even with the bulge,” Katie said, and faced Savannah. “So you went back to school, found out you were pregnant? Then what?”

  “I attempted to find Jake. He’d left Lone Oak right after our night together. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t handle it by myself. Mom was gone….”

  Both her
sisters nodded.

  “God, I missed her then.”

  “I can imagine,” Katie mumbled, her face drawn. “Did you find Jake?”

  Savannah shook her head. “I tried for weeks. Michael and I had gone on a few dates before the Jake night, and he helped me search. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through everything without him.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Lindsey asked. Savannah could hear the subtle hurt in her voice.

  “You were at school, sixty miles away.”

  “You could’ve called. I would’ve been there for you.”

  Savannah studied her. “Are you now?”

  Her sister averted her eyes, smoothed coral satin over her belly, chewed her lip. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I came home from school often enough. Getting pregnant by the wrong guy—that’s huge, Savannah.”

  “You think I don’t know that? It wasn’t something I was proud of, believe me. Once I told Michael, I couldn’t figure how anyone else could help me. Only Jake.”

  Lindsey hesitated, as if imagining what Savannah had gone through back then. “So Michael knew from the beginning you were pregnant with Jake’s kid?” she queried. “There was no chance Allie was Michael’s?”

  “Michael and I never slept together. Not until after Allie was born, actually. When it was obvious we weren’t going to find Jake, and I started to show, he told me he was in love with me and offered to marry me and raise Allie as his own.”

  “Wow,” Katie said. “I had no idea.”

  “No one did,” Savannah said. “No one could.”

  “So does Jake know he’s Allie’s father?”

  “He does now. I confirmed it after he met Allie at my office.”

  “Oh, my God! That’s the guy in the new development, isn’t it? Jake. And Odessa Levine.” Lindsey said. “I hadn’t put the name together with your Jake.”

  “He’s not my Jake.”

  Lindsey closed her eyes for a moment. “Zach doesn’t know. You haven’t told him, right?”

  “I haven’t told him, but he knows something’s weird between Jake and me. I don’t exactly act normal when Jake’s around,” Savannah said.

  “That’s wild.” Katie shook her head.

  The seamstress knocked and entered. “Sorry to keep you ladies waiting.”

  “Oh, that’s okay. We’ve managed to entertain ourselves,” Katie said with a friendly grin. “Lindsey’s going to require another yard of satin, though.”

  Half an hour later, they were back in their regular clothes and walking out to Savannah’s minivan. Their discussion had turned to wedding topics ever since the seamstress interrupted them, but Savannah was still preoccupied.

  “There’s one more thing,” she said when they’d all shut their doors, Lindsey in the passenger seat and Katie behind them in the middle row. “Jake wants to get to know Allie. And he wants to tell her the truth.”

  Lindsey shook her head, as though Jake’s idea wouldn’t work at all. “Did you tell him she’s still adjusting to your divorce?”

  Savannah nodded. “What am I going to do?”

  “I’m not sure. I think you have to prevent him from telling her for a while,” Lindsey said. “She’s not in the right frame of mind to hear that kind of news.”

  “How long will he be in town?” Katie inquired.

  “Another few days. And then he’ll be back on and off, he said. Enough to turn our lives upside down.”

  “You have to give him full access to Allie, as long as he promises not to tell her until you agree.” Katie was leaning forward between the two front seats.

  “Are you crazy?” Savannah said. “Allie’s already met him and considers him the coolest thing since Hannah Montana.”

  “That’s okay,” Katie replied. “Let him do things with her if he wants. You can’t afford to let this get ugly.”

  “Did he mention legal action?” Lindsey asked.

  “Not really. He did make it clear he’ll go as far as he has to.”

  “I feel being flexible with him is the only way. Don’t fight him. Give him what he wants as long as he won’t tell Allie he’s her father. How much will he really take you up on it when he’s hardly going to be in town?”

  “She has a valid point,” Lindsey said.

  “Jake is stubborn. He’ll take me up on it as much as he can.”

  “So what’s so bad about it, as long as Allie doesn’t learn who he really is? If she likes him…”

  “I know that’s gotta be scary to think about,” Katie said. “But if you’re nice and accommodating, he has no reason to push things.”

  “I don’t want them to be alone together. That would make me insane with worry.”

  “Then be sure to let him know you’ll always be with them.”

  Savannah stared straight ahead, tapping on the steering wheel. “I don’t like being around him.”

  She felt Lindsey studying her, which had always made her fidget. “How do you feel about Jake?”

  “I loathe him.”

  Lindsey had one eyebrow raised in complete doubt.

  “Mostly. He pushes my buttons. Makes me do stupid things, say stupid things. I basically morph into this out-of-control idiot whenever I’m with him.”

  “You want him,” Katie said.

  “Shut up.”

  “There she goes with that protesting-too-much thing,” Lindsey told Katie.

  “Make fun of me all you like, but it doesn’t matter if I want Jake or not. I’m not going to have a relationship with him.”

  “I don’t get it. You have a kid with him. You want him. He probably wants you. What’s the problem?” Katie asked.

  Savannah twisted to face her little sister. “You’re asking me? Miss I’m-Not-Going-to-Fall-for-Noah?” She turned back around. “The problem is that I have tried marriage. Tried and failed. As my dear ex pointed out ad nauseam, I like control too much to be in a partnership of any kind. He’s absolutely correct. So while I might have once been dumb enough to believe I could make a marriage work, I won’t be making the same mistake twice.”

  They were all silent for a few seconds.

  “That’s really sad, Savannah.” Katie sat back and buckled her seat belt.

  “You guys don’t understand what it’s done to us. To the kids and me. I won’t do anything to put any of us in danger of going through that again.”

  Lindsey shook her head. “You have to do what you feel is best, but let me just say I believe you’re making a mistake. Maybe you’re meant to be with Jake.”

  Savannah scoffed and started the van. “You’ve never even met him.”

  “No, but he’s working closely with Zach. Besides, it sounds like I might, if he’s going to be in Allie’s life.”

  “Sounds like,” Savannah said. “I know you guys are right. I’ll make an effort to be nice. And accommodating. Even though that goes against every fiber of my being.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  JAKE MADE HIS WAY UP the stairs to Savannah’s place late Sunday afternoon, knowing full well she didn’t want to see him. Several days had passed since he’d learned Allie was his daughter, and he’d been fixated on all the years they’d missed. He shared the blame for that, but only to a certain point. He still thought Savannah had had plenty of opportunity to track him down and tell him he had a daughter. He couldn’t deny that continued to tick him off, and probably would for a while.

  He knocked on her hallway door, hearing a TV on inside and sensing movement. But no one answered. He knocked again and heard Savannah’s voice just before she opened the door.

  “You need a peephole,” he told her. “What if I happened to be a serial—”

  “If I’d had a peephole, I wouldn’t have opened up,” she said in a low voice so the kids didn’t hear.

  Logan was watching cartoons in the living room, but Allie was nowhere in sight.

  Savannah hesitated, then smiled—a forced one, he would guess—and moved back to allow him to enter. “To w
hat do we owe the pleasure?”

  Her hair was piled sloppily on top of her head and she wore an old sweatshirt and sweatpants with a hole in one knee. Her eyes were weary and had shadows under them, as if she hadn’t slept for a couple of nights. He stepped past her and looked around. “Hey, Logan.”

  The boy turned his attention from the TV and smiled when he saw him. “Hey, Jake! How come you’re here?”

  “Logan, that’s not polite,” Savannah said to her son. She turned back to Jake. “But I’m dying to know as well….”

  Allie emerged from a different room then and her face lit up when she recognized Jake. He couldn’t deny the power her smile had over him. His daughter. And she seemed to like him.

  “Hi,” she said somewhat shyly, but she moved closer.

  “What are you drawing today?” he asked. “More horses?”

  “I’ll show you. Wait a minute.” She went back to the bedroom.

  Savannah appeared nervous, still hanging near the door. “Why’d you stop by, Jake?”

  “I thought maybe we could all go somewhere for dinner.” He glanced toward the kitchen but didn’t smell any food cooking. “Did I catch you in time?”

  Allie came out of the bedroom again just as he spoke. She cheered and pulled at her mother’s sleeve. “Can we, Mom?”

  Savannah eyed her daughter. “I already have meat thawed.”

  “Please?”

  “You can save it for tomorrow. It’ll keep,” Jake said.

  He studied Savannah’s face and could tell she didn’t want to go. But if she said no, she’d be the bad guy, and she knew it. Jake was sure he’d hear about it later, but he didn’t care. Getting an earful wouldn’t be enough to keep him from spending time with his daughter.

  “I’d have to take a shower,” Savannah said. “I smell like kitchen cleaner.”

  “We’ll wait.”

  Allie jumped up and down and said, “Yay!” Then she held out her drawing to Jake. It was of a saddle propped up against a barn wall.