The Secret She Kept

by Amy Knupp

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  YEARS AGO, Savannah wouldn’t have been caught dead at home on a Friday night. Funny how life, two kids and a divorce changed things. Now Fridays were her refuge, her favorite night of the week, whether the kids were home or not. She loved the solitude and the time that she didn’t allow herself to do any work of any kind. It was her Friday rule. She could only do things she wanted to do, whether that meant watching television, renting a movie or curling up with a book.

  Tonight, Logan was at a sleepover with one of his friends from school. She’d convinced Allie to play a game of Sorry! with her before her daughter had gone off to the room she and Logan shared to be alone. It wasn’t much, but it was a step. Savannah knew she could only fight Jake off for so long. Eventually, Allie would learn the truth about him, and then who knew how it would affect their mother-daughter relationship. Savannah hoped to build it up as much as possible before that happened.

  After Allie’s retreat, Savannah caught most of a movie on TV. Halfway through, it hit her that she’d seen that film with Jake, as part of a large group of kids in high school. He’d made a point of sitting next to her to drive her crazy, and she realized tonight how much of the plot she’d missed because of his nearness back then.

  She shrugged and got up off the couch. The movie was mediocre, anyway.

  It was almost eleven. She’d told Allie good-night an hour ago, and now the place seemed quieter than usual. She headed into her bathroom, shed her clothes and turned on the shower.

  Once under the hot spray, she allowed her mind to wander, urged her body to relax. The heated water steamed up around her, cutting out the chill of the day and warming her to the core.

  As the shower slowly loosened her muscles, she tried to stop the rat race of her thoughts. Her brain sometimes exhausted her, but it was just part of who she was. Always analyzing, worrying, planning or figuring. She’d started making an effort to step away from thinking lately just to protect her sanity.

  An image appeared in her mind’s eye, a face with a sharp brown-eyed gaze and a slight smile. Almost a smirk. Jake’s face. And the rest of him. She fully realized that allowing her brain to go in this direction was a bad idea, but she was tired. Lonely. Weak. So she let herself imagine what it would be like if she did let loose and said to hell with doing the right thing. What if she gave in to the desire she couldn’t deny Jake made her feel?

  Her eyes closed and her head rolled back slightly as she imagined what having Jake’s naked body up against hers under the hot, steamy water would feel like. A heavy ache settled between her legs and the pounding of the water on her nipples put every nerve on alert, waiting for his touch.

  Savannah opened her eyes suddenly when she realized her breathing was shallow and full of need. Not want. Need.

  Jeez.

  What was she thinking? She didn’t need anyone, especially not Jake Barnes. She turned the faucet to cold, gritting her teeth against the shock to her system. Tension slid right back into every inch of her. But that was better than arousal.

  Seconds later, she turned the water off, not bothering to shampoo her hair, even though she had wet it. She climbed out of the shower and grabbed her oversize bath towel, then wrapped herself in its warmth and illusion of security. Lowering herself to the bath mat, she sat there for several minutes, wrapped in her towel, scolding herself for letting Jake invade her mind.

  Finally, Savannah rose and finished drying off, reminding herself that she was in control of her life and Jake wasn’t part of it. At least not much. He definitely wouldn’t be part of her showers.

  After drying her hair most of the way, she went into her bedroom and pulled on her favorite pajamas—flannel bottoms with multicolored polar bears on them, and a long-sleeved thermal top. She slipped her feet into worn, fuzzy slippers and headed to the kitchen for a bedtime snack. As she switched on the kitchen light, a knock sounded on the door.

  Her landlord definitely needed to spring for a damn peephole, she thought as she stood face-to-face with the subject of her shower fantasies. His hair was windblown. He wore a brown leather jacket that looked soft enough to sleep on, and dark jeans that hugged muscular thighs. His eyes were so intensely focused on her that she shivered.

  In spite of everything she’d told herself in the past half hour, she couldn’t deny the excitement that zipped through her at the sight of his smile. Couldn’t deny it, but she could tamp it down and refuse to hang on to it.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, feeling exposed in her thin pajamas. She knew the top left nothing to the imagination.

  Jake pushed the door open all the way and sauntered past her. “It’s cold out there. Winter’s close.”

  “October’s like that in Kansas.” She shut the door. “Keep your voice low. Allie’s asleep.”

  He had the audacity to remove his jacket and lay it on the easy chair in the corner of the living room.

  “I don’t recall inviting you in,” she said, stepping away from the door and the breeze that always seemed to penetrate the outer hallway. “Much less asking you to stay.”

  Jake slowly raked his eyes over her body, from embarrassing fuzzy slippers to frizzy damp hair and everything in between. Savannah crossed her arms over her chest as she felt her nipples coming to attention.

  “About when I return from Montana…”

  Savannah glanced toward Allie’s bedroom door, but there was no sign of movement.

  “The community center’s having a party for kids on Halloween night. Tuesday that week,” Jake said. “I’d like to take Allie and Logan.”

  Her mind spun as she tried to find a viable excuse to keep them away from him. Unfortunately, they had no specific plans for Halloween night, just a party at her sister’s the weekend before. In fact, Savannah had already considered taking the kids to the community center.

  Forgetting her attire, she uncrossed her arms and paced to the back of the couch. “It’s too much. You’ve visited with them almost every day this week. Why can’t you just be happy with that?”

  “Why would I be? I’ve missed Allie’s entire life because you didn’t see fit to tell me about her. I intend to be part of it now.”

  “When it’s convenient for you. When you happen to be in town. How do you suggest we explain your presence to the kids?” she inquired.

  “Why do we have to explain anything?”

  “Because they’re asking. They don’t understand what you’re doing here, why you stop by and invite us to dinner.”

  “Why not just, ‘Jake’s a really nice guy’?”

  “I make an effort to avoid lying to my kids whenever possible.”

  He advanced on her and Savannah stood her ground, but she immediately acknowledged the error of her ways when Jake’s body pressed against hers, forcing her into the back of the couch. She raised her arms and placed her hands on his chest—which also turned out to be a mistake, because, wow, those pecs…

  He smelled like worn leather and Jake, and her head swam with the familiarity. She knew full well her hands were there to provide a barrier, but she couldn’t bring herself to push him away. She was caught in the spell of his closeness, their discussion forgotten.

  His palms landed on her hips and his heat made her skin sizzle through the thin material of her pajama bottoms. Their mouths were two inches apart, tops, and she felt his warm breath, mirrored his shallow, uneven breathing. His lids lowered and she knew he was staring at her mouth, knew it even as her eyes zeroed in on his mouth.

  He leaned down and kissed her with lips that were demanding, lacking any gentleness, and Savannah met his urgency with her own. Their tongues touched and their hands grasped for each other, exploring. She ran the fingers of her uninjured hand over the muscles of his upper back, on top of his shirt, itching to feel his flesh.

  He still had it—the power to turn her inside out with just a kiss. Judging by the moans that escaped from deep in his throat and the hardness that imposed on her lower abdomen, she co
uld still make him dizzy with need, as well. Which just made the rush more intoxicating. Her mind ceased to function, her focus fixed on every sensation, every tingle and spark that seemed to shoot directly from her lips to her very core. She arched into him, slipping her hands under his shirt and clinging to his strong back, digging in her nails to pull him nearer.

  He broke the kiss suddenly and tipped his head back, breathing hard, chin toward the ceiling. “Damn, woman.”

  Instantly incensed, ashamed and…horrified, she pushed him away. “I didn’t start it…”

  The corners of his lips quirked. “It wasn’t that kind of ‘Damn, woman.’”

  “Oh.” From the lustful look he was giving her, she realized he was saying, “That was hot.”

  Which was an understatement.

  But Savannah had been slammed back to earth when she’d read blame into his comment, and now she wasn’t playing anymore. Instead, she was beating herself up, the heated flush and the lack of oxygen caused by this man still plaguing her, making her ache in places that had been numb for more than a year.

  She moved a few paces to the right and stood with her back to him, hugging herself. “You think that if you kiss me, I’ll let you take the kids on Halloween?”

  “I think that if I kiss you, you won’t let me take them. Why do you figure I stopped?”

  She whirled to face him and stared at him in astonishment. Common freaking sense, maybe? She just shook her head.

  Savannah made a beeline for the kitchen, hoping a glass of ice water would shock her system back into working order. How could she have lost her mind completely in two seconds flat?

  Hoping for some space, she didn’t bother to switch on the kitchen light. The big dense man followed her in. Savannah was holding her glass under the faucet when he came up behind her, gently lifted her hair and kissed her neck.

  “Some women get boring when they get older, but you…” His whisper on her neck made her shiver. “You’ve got it all backward, honey. You’re even sexier than you used to be.”

  The husky words heated her clear through. Just a simple statement, and an innocent kiss—No, scratch that thought. There was nothing innocent about that kiss. And the memory was all it took for desire to flare inside her again like a flame that kept a hot air balloon floating above the ground. She bit down hard and tightened her jaw, talking herself down.

  “So.” He’d helped himself to a glass and was filling it with ice. His voice was perfectly normal. No sign of the throw-me-up-against-the-fridge-and-do-me passion it had dripped with just seconds earlier. “I’m pretty certain Michael figured out I know about Allie.”

  Savannah closed her eyes against the whiplash of not only the change in subject, but also the fact that he was fully recovered from their kisses and she was standing there wishing for a chair before her legs collapsed.

  Bastard.

  Focus, girl. Don’t allow him any hint about what he does to you. You. Are. In. Control.

  She absently cracked a knuckle as she shut the tap, took a long drink and turned toward him.

  Now, what had he said? Ah, Michael knows. Yeah, that.

  “What makes you believe he knows?” She was proud of her control when her voice emerged strong and normal instead of all…needy.

  “A look he gave me. And a…vibe I got.”

  “A vibe.” Okay. If he was unaffected, so was she. “A look and a vibe. You sound like a woman.”

  “You didn’t seem to think that five minutes ago.”

  She felt the heat rise. “What do you think I should do about it?”

  “You could kiss me again.”

  She set her glass down. “About Michael. What should I do about Michael?”

  “That’s your call, I’d say.”

  “Got that right. And I decide to do absolutely nothing.”

  “You don’t think he’d get bent out of shape if I knew your secret?” Jake asked.

  “He doesn’t suspect. If he did, he would’ve said something.” Savannah leaned against the stove, as far away from Jake as she could get in the small space. “Why does it matter if he knows that you know?”

  Jake flashed that cocky grin. “It doesn’t. Just thought you might want the heads-up.” He hoisted himself onto the counter across from her. “What happened between you two, anyway?”

  “Who two?”

  “You never used to play dumb,” he said, shaking his head. “Hubby dearest.”

  “Ex-hubby dearest.” Savannah studied her fingernails. “He left me because I was too controlling.”

  Jake actually chuckled. “His words, I gather.”

  “Well, yeah, but it’s true. In case you haven’t noticed, that’s the kind of person I am. I made him miserable.”

  Jake poured out the remaining water and ice and set his glass in the sink. “All these years I’ve known you and I had no idea you were controlling.” He said it with a smirk.

  “Why are you here again?”

  “We were discussing Tuesday night. Halloween. Kids.”

  “No.”

  “You can go, too.”

  Spending more time with him was on her to-do list right after tearing off her fingernails one by one. “No.”

  “We agreed I could get to know Allie.”

  “You know her.”

  “Bullshit. Don’t push me on this, Savannah.”

  She narrowed her eyes. He had just enough of a threat in his voice, and she was just enough worried that he would follow through on it that after a long while, she nodded. Barely. “Fine. Halloween.”

  “You’ll have fun.”

  “I seriously doubt it.”

  “Lighten up.”

  “What are we going to tell the kids, Jake? Why are you hanging around us like a hungry puppy who got a bone once?”

  Jake gazed at the ceiling, exasperated. He didn’t get what the big deal was. Why everything had to be explained. Chances were Logan had forgotten the question as soon as he’d asked it.

  “Tell them we’re getting married,” he said.

  It was the wrong thing to say. That was clear from the frown on Savannah’s face.

  “I am never getting married again.” She emphasized every word to make sure he got the point.

  He got it.

  “Joke. Down, girl. You think I want to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life?”

  The image that flooded his mind as soon as he uttered the words was…alluring as hell, actually. Savannah in some drapey see-through lingerie, waking up slowly as he lay next to her, watching. Waiting. Ready to sate them both.

  Every day.

  For the rest of his life.

  The idea didn’t really suck. For a guy who’d never planned to get married himself, and who had a boatload of other problems to work out, that was saying something. Something he didn’t care to ponder.

  “And why aren’t you getting married again?” Not that he was honestly considering marrying her.

  “I’m too controlling.”

  Her reply was a cross between flippant and threatening, although Jake didn’t feel the least bit threatened.

  “Nah,” he said. He and Savannah would never have the problems she and Michael had had because Jake would never lie down and take it.

  No. He and Savannah would never have the problems she and Michael had because they would never get married.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  JAKE WASN’T SURE WHAT to expect when he laid eyes on his dad today. Dean had gone noticeably downhill between Jake’s first visit and the night he and Savannah had stopped by. There had only been a week between those occasions.

  Jake didn’t slow down as he got to the door of his father’s room. He’d done plenty of hesitating earlier, but Emily had convinced him this might be his last chance to talk to their dad. Jake was going back to Montana tomorrow and wouldn’t return to Lone Oak until Friday, when he would finalize the deal with Zach. His grandma had insisted on putting Jake’s name on the agreement, as well, in case
anything happened to her.

  “Jake,” his dad said in a steady, strong voice when he entered the room.

  “Dad.” He pulled up a chair near the head of the bed, relieved to see him so alert. “How you doing today?”

  “Not too bad. Haven’t had to have as much morphine.” He looked better than he had on Monday, just five days earlier. He seemed more alert. His eyes focused better, his coloring was not so pale, and his speech was clearer, more confident.

  Jake nodded. He leaned his elbows on his knees and tried to think of something to talk about. What, exactly, did you say to your father during possibly your last conversation ever? Pressure built in Jake’s head.

  “Been doing a lot of thinking lately,” his dad said. “Guess that’s normal when you’re in the position I’m in.”

  “I suppose it is. What have you been thinking about?”

  Dean turned toward the window and stared out at the changing leaves. The trees were showing off yellows, oranges and reds bright enough to rival any sunset.

  Jake watched as his dad’s expression saddened, couldn’t ignore his almost translucent skin. Once again he found it hard to believe this was the hearty man who used to let nothing slow him down, let nothing get in the way of his work.

  “Rennie.”

  The single word, his mother’s name, made Jake’s head pound even more, and something in his chest catch. They had never really discussed her and what she’d done. Jake wasn’t altogether sure he wanted to now. But he waited for his dad to say more. If a dying man wanted to talk about something, the least Jake could do was listen.

  Dean relaxed his neck and rested his head back against the raised mattress. He finally spoke.

  “I’ve never forgiven her. All the years since she swallowed too many pills, and I’ve held on to the anger.” He shook his head slowly, then met Jake’s gaze with watery eyes. “I’ve let it eat me up, become a part of me.”

  “I was mad at her, too.”

  “Tough not to be. But I should’ve gotten over it. Should’ve forgiven her. Instead, I became fixated on how her suicide affected me, what it did to make my life worse. Hell, I didn’t know what to do with you kids. I didn’t know how to manage the home. Your mother handled all that.”