The Secret She Kept

by Amy Knupp

  She wiped her eyes with the Hell’s Angel sleeve and inhaled a steadying breath, except it turned out anything but. “Jake.”

  “Savannah.”

  “Why would I marry someone who holds a grudge against me?”

  “What grudge is that?”

  “The one about missing out on eleven years.”

  Jake seemed to give that some thought. “Might take me awhile to get over it, but I will.”

  “Marriage is not practical, grudge or no grudge. It’s anything but practical.” She lay back on the concrete landing outside the door, gazing at the stars, feeling so darn tired.

  Jake bent toward her and whispered, “Totally…practical.”

  He kissed the sensitive spot beneath her ear, then stood and went inside, letting the door slam just as Allie had. Like father, like daughter.

  The tears instantly reappeared in Savannah’s eyes, and now she let them fall.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  “GUYS, I’M PREGNANT, not dying,” Lindsey said when everyone but her sisters had left the party. “And I’m not letting you ruin my kitchen.” She got up from the ladder-back chair Zach had banished her to, and walked over to the counter. “These go in the dining room hutch.” She took the crystal serving dishes Savannah had just dried, and headed for the front of the house.

  “Zach’s going to blow a gasket when he sees her cleaning up again,” Katie said.

  “She’s a big girl. She can handle it and him.” Savannah rubbed another piece of pain-in-the-butt, non-dishwasher-safe china dry with a now-damp towel.

  “I noticed you disappeared from the party for a while,” Katie said.

  “Wanted some air.”

  “Uh-huh. For as long as you were gone, you must’ve nearly frozen with just the devil costume.”

  Savannah eyed her sideways and could tell Katie knew Jake had joined her outside. She didn’t rise to the bait.

  “Imagine my surprise,” Katie continued, “when soon after, I saw Jake without his jacket.”

  “Yeah? He joined me. So?”

  “Did he join you join you?”

  Savannah could play games with her sister all night, but who had the energy?

  “He asked me to marry him.”

  The heavy pan Katie had been scrubbing sloshed back into the water and clunked on the sink bottom. She slapped the spigot off and stared at Savannah. “I’m going to assume this is another one of those things you wouldn’t joke about.”

  Savannah couldn’t help laughing. Not the same hysterical shakes of earlier, but an evil, I’ve-succeeded-in-wigging-out-my-sister howl. She nodded her head in response to Katie’s statement.

  “And you said?”

  “You have to ask? Really?” Savannah turned the water back on to rinse a serving bowl. “Well, I never really answered, if you want to get technical. But I’m pretty sure he got the implied ‘Hell no.’”

  “Linds!” Katie called to the other room. “Get in here. Now.”

  “I can handle myself when Zach explodes,” Lindsey said as she made her way back into the kitchen.

  “We know you can. Sit down.” Katie led her by the elbow to a chair.

  “You people are making me crazy, you realize that?”

  “Jake asked Van to marry him.”

  Lindsey’s eyebrows shot up and her eyes got as big as quarters. She looked at Savannah, then back at Katie, seemingly waiting for the punch line.

  “We’re going to Vegas next weekend,” Savannah said.

  If Lindsey’s eyes could get bigger, they did. Katie hit Savannah lightly and said, “No way.”

  Savannah struggled to keep a serious face, but couldn’t for long. “Apparently, that is something I will joke about,” she finally said. “Are you guys nuts?”

  “If I go into premature labor, it is totally your fault,” Lindsey said. “You’re serious about the proposal part? Jake really asked you to marry him?”

  “My advice?” Noah said as he and Zach strolled in from the living room. They’d been out front talking to the last stragglers. “Elope.”

  “The sexy getup worked then, huh,” Zach said.

  “I’m not marrying him. Not marrying anyone, but thanks for the thoughts, guys.”

  “Pleasure.” Noah bent over and kissed Katie on the lips, lingering until the rest of them told them to stop.

  “Boys, go away,” Lindsey said. “This is girl talk.”

  “Gladly,” Zach said. “We’re going to return the folding table we borrowed next door.”

  The men retraced their steps and Katie removed the dish Savannah was drying, placed it gently on the counter and led her to the table, then sat between her sisters.

  “So you said no. How come?” she asked.

  Savannah sighed. “It’s so true what they say about once you fall in love you want everyone to be in love. Let’s see. First reason, I’m not going to remarry. Second reason, ever. Third reason, marrying for the sake of a kid is the dumbest thing I’ve ever tried and failed at. That’s just the beginning of the list. Care for more?”

  Lindsey rested her hands on her nun tummy. “I hear you. But I don’t agree.”

  “You think I should marry him? Are you high?”

  “Not necessarily. I have no idea if Jake’s the guy for you, because I don’t really know him. What I don’t agree with is that you won’t marry again ever. I don’t get that.”

  “Me, neither,” Katie said, leaning her chin on her hand and staring at Savannah as if she were a feature article in the making.

  Savannah shrugged. “I’m not cut out for it.”

  “For marriage? That’s ridiculous,” Lindsey said. “Just because one failed doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for it.”

  “I’m not. Remember me? Ms. Controlling?” She shook her head. “I have no desire to give up any control, girls. I love control.”

  “At last she admits it,” Katie said.

  “I’ve always admitted it. What I never realized before was that it wouldn’t work in a marriage.” Savannah planted both elbows on the table. “Michael had every reason to take off. There was no partnership in anything. It was all me, all the time.”

  “You may have controlled everything, but you also handled everything. House, kids, life,” Lindsey said. “He didn’t have a bad gig, Savannah.”

  “Having someone wash your clothes and care for your children does not make a marriage.”

  Lindsey apparently had no reply to that.

  “So…” Katie began. “Can we back up for a second? Was Jake serious about this proposal?”

  Savannah slowly nodded. “He was. I keep going over the conversation, searching for a smirk or something I missed, but I believe that if I’d said yes, he would’ve gone ahead.”

  “And how did he take the rejection?”

  “The way Jake takes everything. He walked away.”

  “Marrying him would solve a lot of problems,” Lindsey mused.

  “Linds. Shut up. He wants us to move to Montana.” Savannah jumped up. “I have to pay Kelly and tell her she can leave.” At the basement door, she glanced back at her sisters. “Not a word of any of this to Dad.”

  “Does he know about Jake yet?” Lindsey asked.

  Savannah shook her head. “Nothing.”

  “You really have to tell him. If he finds out any other way…”

  “I’m going to tell him. Soon,” she promised over her shoulder, and then descended into the mostly quiet basement to kiss her children good-night for their sleep-over, and rescue the babysitter.

  She’d tell him, just as soon as she could get up the courage, she mused. Confessing to her dad that she’d made some serious mistakes didn’t top her list of Fun Things To Do Before She Died.

  JAKE HEARD THE KIDS laughing and thumping around inside before he knocked on the door. Theoretically, they hadn’t even begun the Halloween festivities yet. Just wait until he got them full of sugar at the community center party.

  “Jake!” Logan was the one to open Sav
annah’s door and drag him in, as if the party were there instead of on Main Street. He was covered from head to toe in black, including a hood and a belt full of plastic weapons.

  “Hey, Mr. Ninja. Excited?”

  Allie skipped over to him, her eyes shining. She wore her hair in two braids under a straw cowboy hat with a pink ribbon. A pink-and-gray-plaid shirt, jeans, and pink cowboy boots completed the costume.

  “What have we here?” Jake asked. “Wait, let me guess. You’re a scarecrow.”

  “No-o,” Allie said with a laugh.

  “She’s a cowgirl!” Logan hollered.

  “Ahh. I can tell now. You just need a horse.”

  “I asked for one for my birthday, but I didn’t get it. Not a real one, anyway.”

  Savannah breezed in from her bedroom then, and Jake was momentarily disappointed she wasn’t wearing the devil costume from the other night. She wasn’t wearing any costume at all. Just dark jeans that hugged those long legs, and a fuzzy cream sweater. Her shoes were brown, bootlike things with heels that made her only a few inches shorter than him.

  “I was hoping you’d have your costume on,” he told her.

  “This is my costume. I’m a single mom with her act together.” She moved around the room, gathering up a couple of random toys and her purse as she spoke. “Notice I don’t have a hair out of place,” she said, pointing to her locks, which were straighter than he’d ever seen them and pulled back at her nape. “My outfit doesn’t clash, I have matching socks, even though you can’t see them…”

  “And her underwear and bra match, too!” Logan said in his usual “outdoor” voice.

  Jake laughed and Savannah looked like she might wring her son’s neck.

  “That’s private,” she scolded.

  “Sorry,” Logan said, slightly abashed.

  “See?” Savannah addressed Jake. “Note that a frazzled single mom would’ve lost her cool there. I’ve got it together.”

  “Gotcha.” The outfit was clever, but had nothing on the devil’s cleavage. “Let’s get going. Trunk-or-treating started ten minutes ago.”

  “Where’s my pumpkin?” Allie asked, wandering in circles, searching for it.

  “Your pumpkin?” Savannah queried.

  “For her candy.” Logan held up his big round Spider-man version of a candy toter.

  Savannah frowned. “I haven’t a clue. You had it before dinner. You were swinging it.”

  A full five minutes passed before they found it on the bathroom floor. Savannah was rushing around now, hunting for coats to throw over the kids’ costumes as she tugged her own coat around her.

  “So much for your costume,” Jake said quietly as they followed the children out the door.

  She sent him a phony grin. “We hadn’t left the house yet. Doesn’t count.”

  She led him to the garage below and lifted the old door by hand.

  “I hope you don’t mind driving,” Jake said. “Didn’t figure we’d all fit on the Harley.”

  “Mom always drives,” Allie told him.

  “Duh. She’s the only one who’s old enough,” Logan said.

  “She even drove when Daddy lived with us,” Allie remarked authoritatively.

  “I’m a better driver,” Savannah stated.

  Jake thought she might be partially joking, but he couldn’t be certain. “I have a truck back in Montana,” he said.

  “Cool,” Logan called from the middle of the van. “Is it one with a backseat for kids?”

  “It is. Lots of room there.”

  He turned around from the passenger seat to find Logan nodding. “So me and Allie can fit in if you ever bring your truck here,” the boy said.

  Savannah eyed Jake before backing out. Instead of the killer glare he’d half expected, he got kind of a nervous, secret-sharing look. Was she reconsidering his proposal? Jake checked the urge to touch her hand reassuringly. Savannah was the last person who usually needed reassurance.

  Two minutes later they entered the fray known as trunk-or-treating. The community center parking lot was packed with cars in every space, each with the trunk or rear doors open. People handed out treats to kids as they made their way from vehicle to vehicle.

  Jake and Savannah walked behind Allie and Logan, keeping just out of the rush of children but close enough to stay in sight. When they hit the end of the first row and rounded to the next aisle, Jake slipped his hand around Savannah’s.

  “What are you doing?” she asked so no one else could hear. She didn’t remove her hand, though.

  “Excellent question,” he said. “It could be answered a couple different ways.”

  “Such as?” Her eyes twinkled, even though she tried to act annoyed.

  “Well, first you get the practical argument. I’m keeping your hand warm.”

  Her eyebrows rose skeptically and she fought a grin. “Or I could whip out a pair of thick mittens.”

  “You could. If you were really a single mom with her act together and had some with you.”

  “Touché. What’s the other argument?”

  “The nonpractical one.”

  “Which is?”

  “Because I want to.”

  Savannah rolled her eyes.

  “Some people would say that’s not reason enough to hold hands, but clearly, it is. Because you want to, too.”

  “I do, huh?”

  Jake nodded. “When two people want the same thing, it’s often a good idea to go ahead with it.” He craned his neck to locate the kids again, letting the words hang between them.

  Allie spotted him watching her and ran over. When she noticed how close Savannah and Jake stood, and saw their interlocked hands, she glared at her mother and yanked Jake’s other hand.

  “Hey, Jake. Come with us to the next van. It’s decorated all spooky.”

  He caught the frustration on Savannah’s face before he was drawn more deeply into the crowd with Allie.

  SAVANNAH WOULD NOT LET the absence of Jake’s warmth bother her. She wouldn’t get upset by her daughter’s snub or chilly reception. Tonight was all about the kids, she reminded herself.

  She hadn’t meant to keep holding on to him, but the roughness of his skin in contact with hers, the way he’d gently caressed her with his callused thumb, had intrigued her, made her respond to him, made her cherish the touch. Made her want those hands to keep touching her. Everywhere.

  Which put her in a quandary. Two quandaries, really.

  When Allie so openly disapproved, Savannah was torn. Her instinct was to avoid letting her children interfere with her personal decisions. Her life was her own and she wasn’t going to let an eleven-year-old run it. Unfortunately, things weren’t so cut and dried. The eleven-year-old was one of the people Savannah loved most in the world, and whom she was on the verge of losing all semblance of a relationship with.

  And then there was the whole gray issue of whether she wanted to fight for the right to hold Jake’s hand. His smugness when he’d sidled up so close and wound his warm, strong fingers around hers had made her want to push him away and observe his reaction. But another part of her, the trouble-causing part, reveled in his aggressiveness, his confidence.

  Allie would dislike her no matter what Savannah did. Regarding Michael, regarding Jake, regarding breathing. She couldn’t please her daughter, couldn’t do anything to win her back. She’d tried. Even expensive art classes had failed to give them something to talk about.

  But somehow Savannah resisted letting Jake in on any aspect of her private life. That went so much deeper than her current volatile relationship with her daughter. It wasn’t even that he’d proposed, because she felt confident she could refuse the marriage suggestion till the cows came home. The feelings were what she didn’t like to handle. Or maybe couldn’t. Because if she could fight them off, she would’ve swatted Jake’s hand aside like a pesky West Nile-infected mosquito.

  There it was again—that lack of control that always swept her away in Jake’s presence. S
he stifled a growl, searching for Logan, whom she didn’t immediately spot with Jake and Allie. There was his little clad-in-black head. She moved toward him.

  As for control, she had to do better than she’d done so far tonight. For her kids to pick up her mixed messages to Jake wasn’t fair. Because no matter how tempted she was, she would never have a permanent relationship with him or any man.

  BY NO FAULT OF Jake’s, he and Allie became a team. Savannah and Logan made their way around the indoor party activities separately. He would’ve loved that his daughter had chosen him and wanted to be with him, if it hadn’t meant Savannah’s being shafted by her own kid.

  He figured that when they rejoined, Savannah would have words for him because he’d been alone with their child. But the crowd and Allie had taken him away, and he’d let them, not realizing how long they’d be apart.

  Now Allie was throwing pumpkin beanbags at plastic vases, trying to win a prize. When her three bags were gone, she turned to Jake. “Next, the Plinko game,” she said excitedly.

  They stood in line for a few minutes, then she dropped a disk at the top of the board and watched it fall to determine her prize. Luck was on her side tonight; she won the top prize, a stuffed black cat.

  “I have to go to the bathroom,” she said as they moved away from the Plinko crowd.

  Jake glanced toward the throng outside the main restrooms, then checked the other way, down a side hall. Spotting another bathroom, he held his hand out to Allie, then he wondered if she would take it or if she thought she was too old to hold a grown-up’s hand. She hesitated, then grasped his fingers.

  As he waited for her to come out of the otherwise deserted restroom, Jake skimmed the notices on a nearby bulletin board. When he saw the handwritten flyer about horses for sale, he smiled, and wished for once he was rolling in cash. Maybe one of these days. Money would likely be less of an obstacle than Savannah.

  Allie appeared, grinning up at him and holding on to her stuffed cat.

  “Why don’t we go find your mom and brother.”