The Secret She Kept

by Amy Knupp

  She hadn’t changed a bit, he thought angrily, stifling the urge to punch something. “Let me see if I can figure out your theory, here. We get married. Because you went through one bad marriage that ended in divorce, you and I would most certainly end up divorced, too, thereby hurting everyone in the family. The kids would lose another dad, you’d lose another husband….”

  “That,” she said, springing up, “is exactly what would happen if I made the humongous mistake of marrying you.”

  Jake pressed closer to her, his temper raging. “You have feelings for me, Savannah. I know you do or I wouldn’t be here. It is just like before. You’re afraid of what you feel, so you’re running away again.”

  Clenching her jaw, she shook her head. “You’re wrong.”

  “You don’t have feelings for me? You expect me to believe that?”

  “I do have feelings for you, Jake. I love you.” She spat the words at him as if they were a curse, and he stood there, stunned, for several long, confusing seconds.

  “You love me.” His voice was much quieter. She’d taken all the force out of his anger with that one little admission. Now his heart pounded with cautious hope.

  “I love you,” she repeated. “Whether I think that’s the best idea or not, I freaking love you. Is that what you want from me?”

  Jake’s mouth flirted with a grin. Not only did she love him, but she’d admitted it. “That’s a decent start.”

  “Well, that’s all you get. Because sometimes love isn’t enough to make things work.”

  The hope died with her words and the determined look on her face. She marched off to the kitchen and began viciously scrubbing a dirty pan soaking in the sink. Jake followed her and leaned against the wall, watching her.

  “I don’t understand you, Savannah. I’ve known you for almost as long as I’ve been alive, and after all these years, I just don’t get you.”

  “You’re not supposed to,” she said. “It doesn’t concern you.”

  “You love me, but say we won’t work.” He straightened and advanced on her. “Yeah, I’d say it concerns me.”

  He wrested the pan from her and calmly set it in the sink. Her hands were dripping, but he took both of them in his anyway, and turned her toward him.

  “Don’t do this,” she said.

  “Do what?”

  “Reason with me.”

  Jake chuckled. “Excellent advice.”

  He grabbed the towel hanging on the oven handle and dried their hands. Then he looked hard into her eyes and tried like crazy to get through to her.

  “Savannah, we’ve got something between us, a hell of a something. I know you’re scared of having another failed relationship, but what if we could make it work?”

  She shook her head and broke eye contact. “I’m not scared. I’m just not up for it.” She moved a couple of steps away from him. “I don’t want to change the way I am. I’m impossible to live with.”

  “I’m certain you are,” he said, and meant it.

  “I control everything.”

  “You controlled everything with Michael.”

  “Yes. And I would with you, too. It’s the way I am.”

  “Do you really believe our relationship would be anything like yours and Michael’s?”

  “It’s not about the relationship. It’s about me, Jake.”

  He rested against the cabinets.

  “What?” Savannah asked.

  “Do you remember when you went on your very first date with Michael? It was the summer after we graduated.”

  “Of course I remember.”

  “I told you then that he was all wrong for you. You two would never work.”

  “Right. You know it all, Jake.” She threw her hands up as she spoke.

  “That’s not my point.”

  “Could you maybe cut to your point? Because we’re not getting anywhere and it’s just about time for you to go.”

  “My point is that Moser is a doormat. He was back in high school, and still is today. He’s not like you and me, Savannah.”

  “And what, exactly, are we?”

  “Strong-willed. Controlling, yes. Sure of ourselves, sure of what we want. Willing to fight for it.”

  “A recipe for disaster.”

  Reasoning with this woman was impossible.

  “Michael left you because you were too controlling.”

  “I know. I was there.”

  “You could never control me so much that I’d leave.”

  She actually laughed. “Is that a challenge? Is that your plan? You’re going to lure me into marriage by tempting me to prove you wrong?”

  “Would it work?”

  She stared at him, flushed and flustered. Sexy. “No. My kids’ well-being is on the line here. I won’t screw with that.”

  Jake smacked his hand on the counter. “Dammit, Savannah.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have let you come over, but it’s not as if I’ve led you on or made you think we had any future together.”

  But they could if she wasn’t so hung up on her twisted logic. Her hard head was standing in the way of their having a life together.

  He stared at her for a moment longer, then had to get out of there before he lost it. And God knew this woman could definitely cause him to lose it several times over.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, following him as he steamed out of the kitchen.

  “Leaving.” At the door, he stopped and glanced back at her. “I’ll be in touch with you about Allie. I intend to stay in regular contact with her.”

  Then he left.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  THAT WAS IT. Jake was gone. Out of her life.

  It was what she’d wanted. What she’d been fighting for since the day he’d first walked into Heartland Construction. Leaving was the right thing to do, because she’d meant every word she’d said to him.

  Then why did it feel as if her heart had turned to a rock and stopped beating as he closed the door behind him?

  Yes, she had meant every word, including the admission that she loved him. She probably always had.

  But she truly believed love wouldn’t get them through all the fights that would arise from their knocking heads, from her extreme need to be in charge of everything in her life and her kids’.

  On the other hand, what would be wrong with being together whenever the kids were gone? Why couldn’t they have something casual they squeezed in among everything else? Something fun. Spontaneous. Obligation-free.

  Savannah ran her hands through her messy hair and paced. She knew, of course. A relationship between her and Jake could never be casual. Even if she was the type for halfway, there would always be Allie, always that unfinished business.

  She shuffled to the living room couch and absently sat down. The house was so suffocatingly quiet she wanted to scream to shatter the silence. Her throat throbbed with sadness, but her eyes remained dry. After all, this was her doing. This was how she’d wanted it.

  She was not going to break down. She’d gotten her way, as lonely as it was. Time to put on her big-girl panties and deal with it.

  The kids would be home in a few hours. She had until then to overcome her mixed emotions, to remind herself repeatedly why Jake’s leaving was for the best.

  SAVANNAH HAD FULLY intended to tackle cleaning the place before the kids got back, but instead, she’d fallen into a deep sleep on the couch. She woke up just minutes before the knock sounded.

  The kids bounced in as she opened the door, and for once, she embraced the commotion.

  “Hey, guys, how are you?”

  Logan rushed into her arms as he usually did, hugging her and jumping into a play-by-play of the day he’d been away. Savannah only half listened as she eyed Michael. He’d been tense every time she’d seen him lately, ever since Jake had come to town.

  “Hi, Allie,” Savannah said as her daughter walked past her. Her silence was becoming as normal as Logan’s noise. “Go get your bags unpacked, kids.
Then we can work on homework before dinner.”

  The children disappeared and she faced Michael, expecting him to move toward the door. Instead he focused on the easy chair in the corner. Savannah followed his gaze and instantly realized the problem.

  “Had company this weekend, did you?” He strolled over to the chair and held up Jake’s jacket.

  “That’s my business.” She took the coat from him and placed it over the back of the couch, as if she had nothing to hide. It was too late for hiding.

  “When my kids are involved, it’s not just your business.”

  “The kids were with you. What I do when they’re gone doesn’t concern you.”

  “I disagree.”

  She eyed him in disbelief. Who did he think he was?

  “You can do whatever you want with any man out there, Savannah…any man but him.”

  She stepped closer, cracking her knuckle. “You have no say in the matter.”

  “Jake will do irreparable damage to this family, and you know it.”

  “He’s not doing anything to the family. Have you really become this paranoid, Michael?”

  “Don’t act like I’m being ridiculous, Savannah. He knows the truth and he’ll use it to get past you to Allie. He’ll tear her world apart.”

  “He cares about Allie.” That, she knew with every fiber of her being.

  “What’s happened to you? I thought you were in favor of not telling her the truth.”

  “Telling me what truth?” Allie said quietly from the bedroom doorway.

  Savannah’s heart stopped and she thought her legs might give out. She braced herself against the wall and closed her eyes.

  “Nothing for you to worry about, honey,” Michael said, going to her.

  The young girl sidestepped and marched into the living room, and the look of determination and stubbornness on her face struck Savannah like a physical blow. And she knew there would be no more hiding. Not if she ever wanted her daughter to trust her again.

  “Allie,” she said, straightening her spine and trying to garner some strength. “We have to talk. There are things you should know. But give me a few minutes, because there’s one other person who must be in on this conversation.”

  “You’re calling…Savannah, what do you think you’re doing?” Michael asked.

  “I’m going to get everything out in the open,” she replied, forcing herself to sound confident. In truth, she dreaded having Jake here again after the way they’d left things. How ironic that Allie had overheard her and Michael when it would be far easier for Savannah to let Jake catch his plane tomorrow and not have to see him for weeks.

  JAKE’S GUT CHURNED as he made his way to Savannah’s. The scene ahead of him couldn’t be pleasant for anyone, but especially not Savannah. Her voice on the phone had been heavy with bottled-up emotion, and though she hid the fear well, he knew she was scared to death of Allie drifting even further from her. That was the last thing Jake wanted. In fact, if he could find a way to get Allie to treat her mother better, he’d do it.

  Still, a nervous anticipation buzzed through his veins, because at long last the secret would be out. He’d be free to tell the world about his daughter and, if he was fortunate, be a father to her at times. He didn’t expect miracles, and guessed that Allie would be mad at him, as well, but hope beat stronger in his chest.

  The door opened almost immediately when he knocked. Savannah didn’t smile, didn’t meet his eyes, just stood aside. Her hair was pulled back loosely and her face was pale. Fear radiated off her and he had to check himself to keep from drawing her near. Had to remind himself she’d chosen to handle the rest of her life without him next to her.

  One look at Michael told Jake that this meeting wasn’t his idea and he thought telling Allie the truth was a mistake. Jake couldn’t disagree more. The sooner they told her, the sooner she and Savannah could work through the new reality and rebuild their relationship. Not that that would be simple. It could take months. Maybe longer.

  Savannah brushed past him to the hall. “Kids, come on out. Jake’s here.”

  “Logan doesn’t need to be in on this,” Michael said, alarmed.

  “He should know, too. It’s time for everyone to know.” Savannah met his eyes with a determined stare, and Jake understood how their marriage had gone wrong. Michael was no match for this woman when she made her mind up about something. Which was usually.

  Allie arrived then, appearing like a mini Savannah, her face etched in resolve, but with a hint of trepidation. She was doing her best to be tough, though. Jake had to work hard not to grin. A smile wasn’t appropriate, yet he was so damn proud of that little girl.

  “Why don’t we all sit down,” Savannah said stiffly.

  They filed around the couch. Allie took the love seat. Savannah and Jake both ended up on the sofa and Logan crawled up into Savannah’s lap. She invited Michael to sit, but he shook his head and burned a path in the carpet behind the couch.

  “Are you going to tell me the truth now?” Allie asked.

  “Tell her what truth?” Logan had no idea what was going on. Heck, he still might not comprehend once they explained everything.

  “Honey,” Savannah began, addressing Allie. “what you overheard your dad and I arguing about…”

  “About lying to me.”

  Savannah inhaled deeply, quickly. “There is something we haven’t told you before because the time wasn’t right. You weren’t old enough to understand.”

  Jake tensed as he watched his daughter, unable to fully process the significance of this moment and how it would change everything. His heart was thudding painfully. What if she never accepted him? What if, as soon as she found out the truth, she started hating him?

  Savannah squeezed Logan absently, wondering exactly how to get through this conversation without losing it.

  “You know that a man and a woman make a baby, right?” she finally said.

  Allie rolled her eyes in response. “We’re not going to talk about that, are we?”

  “The people who make a baby are called biological parents. I’m your biological mother.” Savannah hesitated. “Jake…” She put her hand on the cushion between them and felt the warmth of Jake’s hand settle over hers. “…is your biological father.”

  The incessant tick of the wall clock in the dining area was the only sound as Allie took in that information.

  “You mean Dad…isn’t my dad?” Her bravado was gone and her voice was all little girl as she struggled to make sense of Savannah’s words.

  “He’s…your dad in a lot of senses of the word. He’s the dad who raised you.”

  At last Michael came around the couch to kneel in front of her. “I love you very much, Allie. Always have and always will.”

  She glared at him and curled up in a ball on the cushion. Michael moved back, helpless and shaken.

  “Allie, your mom and I met each other years ago,” Jake interjected. “We’ve known each other all our lives. We cared about one another a lot and went on dates.”

  “I know about doing it.” Allie spat the words out. “You and Mom did it.”

  “Jake wasn’t aware he made me pregnant, and he left town. I couldn’t find him, and that’s when Daddy—” Savannah pointed to Michael to show which daddy she referred to. “He helped me. When we couldn’t find Jake, he asked me to marry him.”

  Allie continued to glare, and Logan sat stock-still.

  “What about Logan?” Allie asked.

  “I’m his father,” Michael said.

  Logan nodded once, as if he was reassured. God, he was going to be in therapy before he hit adolescence. Allie, too. What had they done to these children?

  Savannah switched to the love seat next to Allie, carrying Logan with her. The last thing she wanted was for him to feel unwanted or unimportant because this was all about his sister.

  She reached out to put her arm around her, but Allie ducked under it and moved away.

  “You have two dads who
love you, Allie. And one mom.”

  “And a brother,” Logan added helpfully.

  “I don’t want two dads,” Allie said. She pierced Savannah with a hateful stare. “I knew you would mess it up!”

  Jake knelt in front of Allie now. “Kiddo, I realize this is all hard to understand. We grown-ups have made some mistakes and it’s all a little confusing. But I love you.”

  Allie regarded him, tears beginning to fall. “You only liked me because you’re my dad. I thought…”

  Her sobs filled the room and Savannah’s heart shattered. She moved toward Allie again, and this time her daughter didn’t brush her off. She just ignored her as she buckled over, shoulders heaving.

  “Allie, I like you because you’re an amazing person. You’re one heck of an artist, you’re sweet and you’re fun to talk to. I loved you right away because you’re my daughter, but that has nothing to do with why I like you.”

  “Allie,” Savannah said, but the girl made no sign she heard her. “Honey, come here.”

  Allie leaped off the love seat then. “No! Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. Any of you!”

  She rushed to the bedroom and slammed the door.

  Savannah stood and cracked a knuckle, wanting to punch something. She’d known this was how Allie would take the news, and she hadn’t been able to find a way to soothe her daughter or make things easier for her to understand. Hot tears welled, but she was not going to cry in front of these men.

  “You two might as well go now. She won’t talk tonight. All we can do is be there for her when she’s ready.”

  “I’ll go check on her, Mom,” Logan said earnestly. Savannah nodded as he went to their bedroom, love for both of her children choking her up more.

  Jake walked over to her. “I can stay for a bit. Make sure she’s okay.”

  Savannah shook her head. “I’ve got it covered.”

  He didn’t look as though he’d back down soon, and that raised Savannah’s ire.

  “What about you?” Jake asked.

  “What about me?”

  “This is hard on you.”