The Secret She Kept

by Amy Knupp

  Lindsey opened the door for them. “I’ve phoned Michael, Dad, Katie, Zach and the police. Everyone will give you guys some privacy now, some breathing room for Allie. I’m going to take Logan with me, let him play with the boys.”

  Savannah hugged her sister. “Thank you. I’ve got to go figure out what the heck to do next, after duct-taping Allie to my wrist.”

  A FEW MINUTES LATER, it was clear all was not well. Allie refused to speak to Savannah or Michael, and only answered questions when Jake asked them.

  Allie said she’d wanted to talk to Jake about staying with him, and that was why she’d walked to his grandma’s house. He promised that he would have her out for a sleep-over the next time he was back in town. The promise seemed to calm her down a little.

  Jake made her swear she wouldn’t disappear again, no matter what happened.

  “The sleepover’s off if you try any funny stuff before then,” he told her. “Deal?”

  Allie nodded.

  “Allie, we all love you very much,” Savannah insisted. “I know you probably don’t understand everything that’s going on….”

  “I get it, okay?” Allie said.

  “Well, great. Then you’re ahead of me,” Savannah replied. “This will take awhile for all of us to get used to. But there’s one thing you should know. The reason we didn’t tell you about Jake earlier is that we didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “You hurt me.”

  “We knew it would upset you,” Michael said. “None of us wanted you to go through this.”

  Allie crossed her arms. “Can I go to my room now?”

  She appeared absolutely exhausted, and Savannah wondered exactly when she’d left the house. “Go rest. Tell everyone goodbye for now. And why don’t you write down Jake’s cell phone number in your notebook. I bet he would like it if you called him when he’s in Montana.”

  Savannah glanced at Jake and he nodded.

  Grudgingly, Allie found her pad of paper for him to write his number on.

  Jake hugged her, told her again how much he loved her, then kissed her forehead.

  Allie glared at Michael, ignored Savannah and went to her room.

  Michael stood. “I guess that’s all for now. Let me know what’s next. I have to check in at work, but I can come back if you need me.”

  He walked out the door, leaving Savannah and Jake alone.

  “I have to go now, too. I rescheduled my flight for tonight. Call me if there are any Allie emergencies, please.”

  Savannah didn’t want him to leave, but they’d already been down that road. So when he went to the door and said goodbye, she didn’t move, just sat there on the couch, wishing she knew where she’d gone so absolutely wrong with everything in her life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  SAVANNAH DID HER BEST to act as though everything was normal, but obviously, it was anything but.

  She’d put fish sticks and Tater Tots on the table half an hour ago. Logan, who’d chattered nonstop since Lindsey had dropped him off, had eaten more than his share. Savannah herself had picked at a few of each. Allie had reported to the table when Savannah had forced the issue, had even put two fish sticks on her plate, but she had yet to have a bite of anything. And if Savannah knew her stubborn child at all, she wouldn’t eat a thing.

  Which of course worried Savannah like crazy. Throughout the day, she’d tried gentle urging, reasoning, then all-out ordering, to get Allie to eat, but the girl had refused.

  Savannah knew when she couldn’t win, and this was one of those times. Allie was hurting badly and needed to lash out. No matter how often Savannah reminded her she was only hurting herself by not eating, her daughter ignored her. So…Savannah decided to let her daughter get really good and hungry if she so chose.

  But she wasn’t going to sit there and watch.

  “Logan, you may be excused whenever you’re finished eating. Then you can play quietly in your room for a while. I’ll be outside getting some air.”

  Allie met her gaze with one of anger. Savannah didn’t return the sentiment, though. All she felt was a deep sorrow that she couldn’t help her child. That and utter helplessness.

  After grabbing her jacket, she went out to the front and sat on the top step. The bulb had burned out, and there were no streetlights close, which suited her perfectly.

  She leaned her elbows on her knees and bent over, out of tears and out of ideas to aid her daughter or herself.

  She’d made a royal mess out of the situation. Not just today or this week or this month. She’d been trying so hard to control things, from her children to her emotions to every little aspect of her life, that everything had gotten screwed up.

  So much for trying to control her daughter. Allie had found a way around that by refusing to eat. She hadn’t had a thing to eat, the one thing Savannah couldn’t force. The joke was on her.

  And controlling her own emotions? God. She was a basket case. Not just about Allie. Look how well she’d stood up to her feelings for Jake.

  What she wouldn’t give to have him here now.

  She raised her head from where she’d buried it in her arms. Had she really just thought that? He was gone, as he was supposed to be. Sure, she’d hear from him regarding Allie, but that was it.

  She didn’t begrudge him time with Allie. Now that the truth was out, she was as willing to have her be with Jake as with Michael. No, visitation wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Jake would be no more than her daughter’s father, someone who would call her or pick her up to visit him whenever he was in town. When Michael collected the kids for the weekend, she felt no emotion for him. He was merely a fact of their lives. But she knew she would never feel so indifferent toward Jake, not in a dozen years or more.

  There again, her need for control was messing things up. If she could just get over her fear…Yes, she was scared. Control and fear of losing had been wrapped up together for her ever since her mom had died. Her mother’s sudden death, caused by a drunk driver, had affected Savannah profoundly. The loss had been so great that she’d made up her mind then, even at age fourteen, barely a teenager, that she would never leave herself vulnerable to loss again. She had run from strong feelings ever since.

  It was true, though she’d never really realized it before now.

  She stood and walked slowly, absently, down the steps.

  With her sisters, she’d always put up barriers. Did what she could to keep them from knowing her too well, and vice versa. Only in the past couple of years had she and Katie gotten better acquainted, and then just because they’d both gone through tough times.

  Years ago, Michael had felt like a haven compared with Jake. She laughed humorlessly. He’d been safe because she’d never been in love with him. He’d never made her feel she was falling helplessly without a net to catch her. Nothing like Jake, who could merely look at her and make her feel to her very soul.

  Her kids—well, she’d fallen in love with them the day they were born, probably even before. They were her Achilles’ heel, she imagined. She’d spent all these years trying to control things in order to protect them from any pain.

  And here they were. In a world of hurt and confusion.

  Savannah jammed her hands into her jacket pockets and strolled around the double-wide driveway, shaking her head and at the same time feeling a spark of hope.

  Obviously, clinging to control so desperately was getting her nowhere except crazy. Control had helped to distance her daughter from her, and had cost her the man she loved.

  Could she learn to lighten up? Be less frantic about having everything go as she wanted it to?

  She’d open herself up to a whole new brand of hurt, without a doubt. But right now, her heart was in so much pain she didn’t see how it could hurt worse. In fact, the more she considered having Jake in her life permanently, every day, at her side, the more she felt her life could be a whole lot better.

  She rested against the closed garage door and thought about him. Rem
embered how it had felt when, amid all her fear and worry about Allie, he’d pulled her close. He hadn’t been able to fix things, but his touch had made them…not quite as bad. Being held by him had centered her, calmed her somewhat.

  She realized now that he’d taken control. And she’d needed him to do that. Suddenly, what he’d been trying to get her to see about the two of them made sense. As he had said, she could never control him so much that he’d leave, because he wouldn’t allow her that power. He was nothing like Michael, and that would make all the difference in the world between them.

  She could lean on him when she needed to—something she’d never been able to do with her ex-husband. When she’d been alone, pregnant and terrified, yes, Michael had been there for her, but in a passive way. He’d never once taken control. She likely hadn’t wanted him to.

  She shook her head. There was no sense wasting any more time out here. She knew what she had to do.

  “WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME stay up late?” Allie asked suspiciously, as Savannah tiptoed out of the kids’ room.

  “We have some girl stuff to talk about.”

  Allie groaned. “I’d rather go to bed.”

  “Not that kind of girl stuff. I have things to tell you, discuss with you. Come on.” She held her hand out, and when Allie still hesitated, Savannah said, “You’re not in trouble. I am.”

  That got her daughter’s attention. They went to the couch and stretched out on opposite ends.

  “I’ve made a bunch of mistakes, Allie. For years and years.”

  Her daughter sat up and stared at her, speechless.

  Savannah told her about how her mother had been killed when she was just three years older than Allie, how awful that had been and how much it had hurt her. She tried to explain how she’d felt—that she never wanted to experience pain like that again.

  “I knew it hurt so badly because I loved her so much.”

  Tears glistened in Allie’s eyes.

  “And that’s when I decided that loving people was too painful.”

  Her daughter frowned. “You always say you love me and Logan.”

  “I love you two more than you’ll ever know. Maybe when you have your own kids you’ll find out. I couldn’t fight that if I wanted to. But everyone else…I’ve tried really hard not to care so much.”

  “That doesn’t sound very smart,” Allie said.

  “Why is that so easy for an eleven-year-old to figure out, but so hard for a thirty-one-year-old?” She sat up in the middle of the couch to make eye contact with Allie. “I’ve decided that was dumb and that it might be better to do things differently. And I’d like to tell you my plans.”

  Allie looked confused but interested.

  “The man I love, the one I’ve probably always loved?”

  Allie sat up straighter. “It’s Jake. I know it is.”

  “You are so smart.” Savannah reached out and hugged her. “I was thinking that if I’m going to start being smarter and not scared of caring, I should probably see if Jake will marry me. What would you think about that?”

  “What would happen to Daddy?”

  “Daddy will be in your lives as much as you want him to be. Living with Jake might mean moving to Montana, but we’d make sure that was all right with your dad first. And if it’s okay, you could e-mail Daddy, call him, visit him. Could you live in Montana? They have lots of horses there.”

  Allie pondered awhile. “Maybe. If there’re horses, and you and Jake and Logan are there.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  “And you won’t make Jake go away?”

  “I hope he’ll never ever go away. So I’m going to go for it.”

  Allie nodded very seriously. “I hope he’ll never go away, either, Mom.”

  That her daughter still wasn’t smiling didn’t escape Savannah. The happiness would come eventually, she hoped.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  SAVANNAH LEANED BACK in the driver’s seat of the rental car and closed her eyes for a moment.

  She was really doing this.

  Opening her eyes, she reassured herself that the directions were on the passenger seat beside her, her cell phone was in the center console and the heat was blasting full force.

  The Butte airport was nearly deserted when she’d arrived after 9:00 p.m. The weather was cold, and she crossed her fingers before taking the car out of park. Not a good night to get lost.

  Jake had no idea she was on her way. Her entire family had united behind her when she’d approached them with her idea, bringing her to tears. Lindsey and Zach had invited Allie and Logan to stay with them, and her dad had volunteered to pay for her plane ticket. She’d promised to reimburse him when she could, but he’d waved away the idea, hugged her and wished her luck. Katie had cheered her on and thrown in a couple “I told you so’s.” Just thinking about them all and their undying support brought fresh tears. She wiped her coat sleeve across her eyes and decided to get on with her mission. They’d all be pissed if she sat here and froze to death in the airport parking lot.

  The roads in Montana sucked. She followed a highway for a few miles, but the directions called for her to turn off onto a frighteningly narrow gravel road. About five or six gravel roads later, Savannah had no earthly clue where she was. There was no light to speak of, except for her dome light, and it was barely bright enough to read the map.

  This was crazy. She had no idea what to expect when she found Jake. Maybe he’d changed his mind about getting married, especially after he’d gotten a flavor of the Salinger children’s drama. Or maybe she’d convinced him she was too controlling, and he would send her away.

  She hoped for his sake he hadn’t, because she would not accept no for an answer. Not after switching flights twice and riding that dinky little plane all the way from Salt Lake City. Not after having her dad pay the equivalent of two weeks’ of her wages to get her here. Not after she’d told Allie she would do everything in her power to keep Jake around.

  She’d been on this road for too long. She pulled off to the side—not that there was any other traffic, anyway—and consulted the map again. Dammit, she was no longer certain where she was or where she was supposed to be. The more she studied the map, though, the more she thought she was still on track. The drive to the ranch just wasn’t supposed to take this long.

  Refolding the map, she drew in a deep breath. “Almost there. Have to be close now,” she told herself.

  Before starting up again, she peered in every direction, hoping to see the lights of a house or a barn. Even if it wasn’t Jake’s, at least she’d know she wasn’t all alone out here. She felt like the only human for miles and miles.

  But half an hour later, she became convinced she’d made a wrong turn or missed one. Panic began creeping in as she imagined running out of gas and freezing by the side of the road. So close to finding the man of her dreams, but…

  She shook her head and admonished herself that she was losing it. Then she spotted the cell phone and reached for it. She would ruin the surprise by calling Jake and asking for help, but at least she’d show up alive.

  She waited for a signal. Nothing. No bars. She swore a long stream of the most colorful words she could come up with, and decided to drive farther to see if she could pick up a signal. Finally, about a mile and a half down the road, she got one blip on the signal bar. She hit the brakes and stopped right in the middle of the road.

  Her fingers shook as she pressed the numbers to Jake’s cell, but when she was almost finished dialing, it hit her that he probably didn’t have a signal, either. She held the phone to her ear, crossing her fingers.

  He answered after two rings, and it was all she could do not to whoop and holler and scare the crap out of him.

  “Hello?” he said again.

  “Jake, where are you?” she asked, tears blurring her vision.

  “I’m in Montana. Savannah, what’s wrong?”

  “Where in Montana are you?”

  “At my house
.”

  “Where in the name of God is your house in Montana, because I’ve been driving around for two hours now, trying to find it, and if I don’t reach it soon, I’ll be eaten by bears or wolves.”

  “Savannah…” He laughed happily. “Wolves don’t eat people, but you should probably be worried about bears. What in the world are you doing here?”

  She made a frustrated sound. “Surprising you.”

  “Where are you exactly?”

  “If I knew, I wouldn’t be lost.” She told him where she’d last known she was.

  “That road isn’t far from me at all. Any idea where on it you are?”

  “No, Jake.”

  “Stay put. Don’t move, and don’t open the door to any bears. I’ll be there soon.”

  Savannah disconnected and began laughing hysterically. Instead of grandly surprising Jake, she had to be rescued by him.

  In less than ten minutes, a vehicle approached from behind her and slowly drove past. She couldn’t see the interior of the dark-colored truck, but the vehicle pulled over in front of her and stopped. She waited, a billion different emotions swirling within her, until Jake climbed out of the driver’s side.

  Savannah was out the door, racing to him, as soon as she recognized him. She ran right into him and threw her arms around him. He embraced her for several seconds, then gazed into her tear-filled eyes.

  “Wow. You’re really happy I’m here,” he said.

  “I’m scared of bears,” she said through her laughter. She tugged him to her again, unable to get enough of him, the outdoorsy scent of him, the roughness of his stubble on her cheeks, the feel of his arms wrapped around her.

  She breathed him in and attempted to get control of herself. Then she laughed again, remembering her vow not to worry so much about control.

  “Marry me, Jake. Please?”

  The smile that came over his face was worth every single obstacle she’d encountered that day, from the layovers and transfers, to the toy plane, to the endless gravel roads. Her heart felt as if it would explode with the power of his smile.