by Phil Earle
I was in no mood for more Bellfield riddles and braced myself for another wave of therapeutic bullshit.
‘You’ve impressed us lately,’ she continued. ‘It’s hard to believe you’re the same girl who joined us only a few months ago. And I know how much of that has been down to the work you’ve been doing with Ade and the trust you’ve built up between you. That’s why we’ve called you up here first.’
I squirmed on the spot. Wherever this was heading, it had an ominous quality that I didn’t like.
‘Do you remember what I called you when you first arrived?’ It was Ade speaking now, but I daren’t take my eyes off Bex in case I missed something important from her. ‘Daisy?’
My head jolted around to face her.
‘The name I called you when I found you reacting to your medication. You remember?’
Of course I did. Her lucky charm. It was the one Ade riddle I’d never worked out.
‘The day you arrived I received some news, good news that you brought with you. But I couldn’t tell you what it was in case it all went wrong. Well, today they confirmed what I’d hoped. It really is good news.’
‘Can someone please tell me what the bloody hell is going on?’ I yelled, my voice cracking. ‘It’s like you talk a foreign language sometimes.’
My arsiness seemed to work as Ade reverted to the plain truth.
‘I am pregnant, Daisy.’ I saw immediately from her glassy eyes what this simple statement meant to her. ‘We have been trying for years. My man and I have been prodded by practically every doctor in the north of England, but with no success. On the day you arrived they told me I had one more chance, using new drugs. I was elated when they told me, but I was scared. Petrified. But when you arrived, and I saw how distressed you were, I knew that in fact I was lucky. You have something very special about you, Daisy Houghton. Real strength. And I knew you were bringing some of it for me. And I was right, because today they have confirmed everything. I am finally having a baby.’
I shouldn’t have hugged her so hard, but I couldn’t help it. It was a mixture of the kindness in her words and the tears snaking down her cheek that made me do it. All the time she’d been going through this and I hadn’t known. All the shit and doubt that I’d thrown her way and not once had she ever crumbled or told me to pull myself together. It was hard to believe anyone had that strength. So I told her exactly that, which drew a laugh that rumbled up from her belly.
‘We are both strong,’ she said, breathing deeply, ‘and that is why you will not miss me when I’m gone.’
My arms froze, still wrapped around her. What did she mean? I pressed my tummy against hers, trying to gauge the size of her bump. I was no expert, but it wasn’t like it was imminent or anything.
‘Gone?’ I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. ‘You’re not going anywhere yet, are you?’
Our embrace slipped, broken by Bex.
‘I’m afraid we have to put Ade’s health at the front of this now. We can’t have her at unnecessary risk.’
I was gobsmacked. ‘You think I’d hurt her?’
‘No, no, no,’ Ade insisted. ‘Of course not. But you have seen this place. You have seen the passion that runs through it. Things flare up quickly, without warning. It’s not a place I can afford to be.’
‘It’s not a place you want her to be either, is it, Daisy?’ Bex again.
Of course I didn’t, and I felt guilty for even thinking of myself before her. But I couldn’t help it. The other staff were OK, but they didn’t get me, not like she did. She’d been a cutter, been where I was now. If she wasn’t there guiding me along, I’d fall off again. I mean, I nearly had an hour ago, and I’d had no idea this was going on.
‘I know what you are thinking,’ Ade whispered, ‘but you will not break down again, not after what you have achieved. The things you have learned, your strategies, they need applying whether I am here or not. They are your weapons and with them intact there is little that can touch you.’
I straightened my back, my chin lifting defiantly, trying to show that I agreed, although everything inside me was crumbling.
What was I going to do? How the hell was I going to get out now?
‘You are in touching distance of a foster placement, Daisy. You were only ever here to gain understanding of what was going on. And now you have that … well, I have already been making a case to your social worker.’ She paused a second, long enough for me to catch a whiff of unease. ‘And she has listened to our thoughts.’
I knew what that meant. That bitch Evelyn didn’t believe any of it. She’d always thought I was mental and while I was here I probably kept her paperwork levels down. Anger bubbled, splitting my thoughts, leaving me incapable of saying anything. All I could do was squeeze Ade’s hand in support and try not to collapse in front of them.
‘We haven’t told any of the other residents yet,’ said Bex. ‘We wanted to let you know first. It’s important you keep it to yourself, at least until tonight. Apart from Naomi, we’ll tell everyone at the end of the show.’
I cringed, not liking the idea of being in on a secret. Naomi’s threats after the last time still echoed, but on the other hand she hadn’t spoken to me properly in weeks. I couldn’t see that changing before they told her.
‘No worries,’ I lied. ‘I’ll even look surprised when you tell everyone if you like.’
Bex seemed chuffed, relieved. ‘We knew you’d understand, Daisy. And we are all here for you. We’ll have you in a foster placement as soon as we possibly can.’
‘I know you will,’ I grimaced through a tight jaw. ‘Not long now, eh?’
I reinforced the words with a glance at each of them, seeing the pride on their faces.
But Ade? There was no pride. She was elated by her news, but she wasn’t buying any of my lies, and as I slumped out of the room I could feel her eyes burning into my back.
Chapter 48
The classroom was transformed. Desks had been removed and the tatty painted walls lined with flowing drapes, while a stage stood proudly, taking over half the space.
It was eye-rubbing stuff, like stepping on to a film set, and I watched the same sense of wonder creep over the faces of the others as they made their way in. Even Naomi, stony-faced as she normally was, couldn’t help but wander around, taking in what the staff had done.
I paid special attention to her, to see if she was distressed by Ade’s news. They’d worked together ever since she’d arrived and, although their relationship was strained, I couldn’t believe it wouldn’t affect her.
After a couple of minutes in her presence, though, it appeared I was wrong. There was no anger on her face, no evidence of tears, or even signs of agitation from a slanging match. She looked excited. Playful even.
She and Paddy were dressed identically in black suits, white shirts and black ties. Neither suit fitted well: hers was turned over endlessly at the cuffs, while Paddy’s buttons strained to keep his belly in check. They didn’t care. In fact, they carried the look with a swagger, an arrogance, like they knew they had something special lined up.
There were broad grins everywhere I looked. All the staff, Eric included, were tarted up like some girl band. Even Jimmy and Susie were dressed similarly, in jeans and matching shirts.
Breathing deeply, I forced any nerves away. I’d spent the rest of the afternoon fretting and pacing, and was so sick of the ball of anxiety in my gut that I just wanted it over now, so I could pull the duvet over my head and wake up on a day that wasn’t loaded with meaning.
Climbing on to the stage, Bex called everyone to order and I plonked myself next to Jimmy, as far away from the other duo as possible. He was showing no sign of nerves, casually spinning his mobile phone in his hand like it was a microphone. Susie looked on adoringly. It would’ve been sweet if it wasn’t so comical.
‘Right, then,’ Bex boomed, like she was manning the waltzers o
n the seafront. ‘Look at you lot, you’re amazing! And look at the room as well. Have you ever seen such a transformation? Let’s have a massive cheer for Floss and Eric, who’ve spent all day putting this together.’
Everyone whooped as they bowed theatrically, Eric looking ridiculous in a long black wig, bra and hot pants. Quite what our social workers would’ve made of it I didn’t like to think.
‘It seems perfect to be having this event tonight. To bring us together in a way other than the community meeting. The fact you’ve all embraced the idea of sharing shows me how much work you’ve put in this year. Whether you’re any good at singing or dancing – and believe me, the staff definitely aren’t – isn’t important. What matters is offering a glimpse of yourselves, so you can see just how much you are worth and how much you have to give.’
Naomi and Paddy sniggered, pushing their fingers down their throats.
‘Yes, thank you, you two. You’ve done more rehearsing than anyone else, so don’t try and tell me you haven’t enjoyed yourselves.’
Naomi flashed Bex a ‘whatever’ sign and told her to get on with it. And thankfully she did, announcing with great glee and excitement that the first act on stage was the Pussy-cat Dolls.
With that the lights went out, sending a small buzz round the room. There was a lot of shuffling and banging, until a voice whispered ‘Ready’ and the lights flashed on again, accompanied by deafening music.
And there they were, held motionless in the most ridiculous poses. Bex, Eric, Floss, Maya and Ade, all of them pimped to the max. A terrible collage of PVC, fishnets and lip gloss. It was the most horrific sight imaginable, but as the next five minutes passed, the funniest as well.
It didn’t matter that there weren’t many of us in that room, the noise we were making could’ve come from a packed stadium. They were raising the roof and we loved it. All right, none of it was on time or even vaguely impressive, but it was hilarious, like the best pantomime we’d ever seen. I’d certainly never seen Ade do anything like it, and as she strutted across the stage, I forgot completely she was pregnant, or about the awful hole she would leave behind.
The end of the song came too soon for us, but not quickly enough for the ‘Dolls’, who were on the verge of collapse. It looked to me like our applause and cheers were the only thing keeping them vertical, and they were speedy to refuse an encore, with Bex calling for Patrick and Naomi to take their place.
The pair of them couldn’t have bounded up there any quicker, diving to retrieve a hat each from the back of the stage. Striding to the centre, they stood back to back, arms folded, chests puffed out. This sight alone earned whoops from the crowd, so when a song from The Blues Brothers cut through the silence, the atmosphere was ratcheted up even further.
It was gobsmacking just how slick the whole dance was. Not that Paddy was a mover or anything, he was far too clumsy for that, but he held the space with enough finger-clicking and menace to allow Naomi to work her tricks around him. The last few months had proved to me how good an actress she was, but here she was in Oscar-winning territory. She dived around the stage like a gymnast, spinning her hat in her hand as she mimed into the microphone. Everyone knew the song and so once the chorus kicked in it turned into a giant karaoke, all the carers punching the air as they sang, ‘I need you, you, you.’
Naomi pointed back at them in turn, but not aggressively. There was something different about her, she looked without any ulterior motive, like she was truly enjoying herself for once.
She turned and cartwheeled, kicked and punched until the music finally gave way to applause that even I couldn’t ignore. They stood there, wheezing, a look of wonder on their faces as they soaked up the roars. Bex leapt on to the stage, embracing them both, telling them to bow again and again. They didn’t need encouragement. In fact, they probably would’ve still been there if Jimmy and Susie hadn’t been up to replace them.
It was funny how the atmosphere changed once they settled in front of us. Jimmy stood bolt upright, still fiddling with his phone as a mike stand was placed in front of him, while Susie sat further back, eyeing a tambourine like it was a bomb rather than an instrument. I saw Eric at the side of the stage, an acoustic guitar strapped to his front, and he clung to it grimly, his earlier euphoria lost.
Everyone was thinking the same thing. Was he going to do it? Was Jimmy actually going to sing?
I felt the scars on my arm prickle, my mouth forming the words to tell him not to do it. But to my left was Naomi, whose sneer was begging him to open his mouth and humiliate himself.
The only person who didn’t look edgy was Jimmy himself. He flicked at a few keys on his phone before sliding it into his back jeans pocket.
‘This is a song,’ he shouted into the mike, a screech of reverb chasing his words round the room.
This drew a laugh from the Blues Brothers, who mocked him, crowing, ‘Not the way you’ll sing it, it won’t be!’
But Jimmy either didn’t hear or didn’t care. He just went on.
‘It’s not a new song or nothing. It’s not one I’ve sung for a long time either, for obvious reasons. But it’s mine and this seems like a good time, so anyway …’ And with that he motioned to Eric, who started to pick at his guitar strings.
I watched Jimmy close his eyes and suck in the biggest breath I’d ever seen. I practically felt the air around me rush in his direction and I tensed, scared of what he was opening himself up to.
But I needn’t have worried, for as soon as the words left his lips, we were held by them:
And should you look tonight …
And see what I have seen …
This perfect light
This perfect light …
And so I stand alone
Imagine that it’s you
In the moon tonight,
It’s you in the moon tonight …
His eyes were closed as he sang, but that wasn’t out of fear. From his stillness it was clear he believed in what he was doing.
And his voice?
Well, it was Jimmy’s voice, except mellower somehow. It wobbled at the end of the lines in a tuneful way, and I took such delight in seeing Naomi’s jaw drop as she realized she’d been trumped. Jimmy could sing. He really could. OK, it wasn’t polished or anything, but there was such honesty in his words that we let him pull us along:
And how I want to be held …
But I bathe in the moon tonight
The only moon
I bathe in the only moon …
Jimmy’s foot began to tap as Eric’s guitar picked up, doubling its tempo, driving the tune on. Susie threatened to ruin it all with some God-awful tambourine bashing, but thankfully grew tired when Jimmy started to sing again, his voice rising and falling:
But it’s not enough to think that it will just happen
It’s got to come from the moon and from me and from you
Look to the stars and follow their pattern
And make your way in the hazy blue
The moon sees us both and it makes me remember
The nights when we stood and were hidden from view
But now I can only stand here and keep looking
It’s got to come from the moon
And from me …
And from you …
The guitar stopped dead, before the slower tempo fed back in and Jimmy took one last breath:
And just keep looking …
Just keep looking …
Look to the moon
Look to me
And look to you …
The last pluck of the guitar gave way as Jimmy’s voice did and there was a moment’s stunned pause before the avalanche started. A noise that eclipsed anything that had gone before, even without Naomi joining in. She turned to Paddy, mouthing something to him. I didn’t need to be a lip-reader to know what it was. She didn’t believe he’d written it, in fact she probably thought he was mim
ing, but to me it didn’t matter if they were someone else’s words. It was extraordinary, from start to finish, the most unexpected thing I’d heard since I’d arrived. And that was saying something.
We clapped for so long that our hands hurt. There were tears from Bex, who bounded up to embrace Jimmy. He stood there as motionless as before, eyes finally open. He soaked up every last drop. In fact, it wasn’t until the room was silent that he looked awkward and his hand reached for his pocket, retrieving his phone before pointing at it, speaking once more into the microphone.
‘Sorry, I really need to take this, yeah?’
And with a leap from the stage, he bounded out of the room, shouting into his broken phone.
It was the perfect moment to end his performance, something that drew laughter as well as tears. Bex was finding it hard to know which to let out first.
After a short pause to collect herself, she turned to us again and brought me straight back down to earth with a splatter as loud as Jimmy’s applause.
It was my turn, but how was I going to follow that?
Chapter 49
My fingers shook as I tried to slide the DVD into the player. I blew on my knuckles, hoping it would steady them, which drew a snort of derision from certain members of the audience.
After Jimmy’s song there was a huge swell of expectation in the room and my chest hammered at the knowledge I was about to slow things right down.
Trying to rationalize it, I knew I had two options: go ahead with my plan and humiliate myself, or leg it and face the same result. The second option was tempting, but somehow I found the balance to stay put. If I was going to get by without Ade, then I had to start fronting things out.
The DVD player whirred into life and the TV followed with the first press on the remote control. I stood chewing my lip as the copyright screen took an age to complete, ignoring Naomi’s exaggerated yawns.
Eventually the menu screen appeared and I selected the right chapter before turning to face everyone, immediately wishing they would dim the lights as they had before, so I could talk to a load of silhouettes.
