Giving You Forever

by Ashley Wilcox

“Ah!” He looks at me like a light bulb went off in his head. “Last night was date night,” he adds with his eyes wide open, grinning from ear to ear.

  My cheeks warm, thinking about last night.

  “Damn girl, I’m so flippin’ jealous. I need a Nolan!”

  I laugh at his declaration. Don’t we all?

  “Does he have a brother? Long lost clone? Anything?”

  Tilting my head to the side and giving him an apologetic smirk, I tell him, “Sorry, just a sister, and not that you’d be interested, but she’s married.”

  “Ugh!”

  “What happened to the kickboxing instructor?” I ask, remembering him mentioning something about a hot one at his gym.

  “Too gay.”

  I look at him, confused.

  “There’s such a thing as too gay?”

  Like I just offended him, he responds overly dramatic, “Uh, yeah! From afar he was, oh my god, do me now! But up close, and after he talked, it was like a squeaker was transplanted in his throat! Can you imagine having sex with that? Squeaky moans?” He shakes his head in distaste. “No effin way!”

  Practically spitting out the coffee that I just sipped, I burst out laughing at his statement. He joins in, laughing with me.

  God, I stinkin’ love him!

  “You kill me!” I respond, catching my breath.

  “Eh.” He shrugs his shoulders.

  “You going to student teaching today?” I ask, opening the door to exit.

  “Ugh… yeah. Can we please switch teachers, though?” he pleads.

  When we were placed for our student teaching, Jamie was given an older woman–okay, very older woman–like, probably should have retired a decade ago but loves teaching so much that she probably never will. She’s really nice and great with the kids, just very boring, and let’s just say that she doesn’t really get Jamie’s humor or energy. I, on the other hand, was given a fabulous teacher to assist. She’s young, not that much older than myself, probably Nolan’s age, and I absolutely love her.

  “Sorry, friend,” I smile, giving him an apologetic look.

  “Whatever. Maybe I’ll bring coffee breath an apple or something. Isn’t that what kids used to do? To brown-nose?”

  Chuckling again, I agree. “Yeah.”

  We walk down to the parking lot together and say our goodbyes, only to see each other again in fifteen minutes at the elementary school.

  As I get in my car to leave and head over to meet Meg at the florist, I text Nolan to tell him I love him, then turn the ignition on and head towards Williams. Stopped at a red light, I check my phone, surprised that I haven’t heard back from Nolan since he almost always responds right back. Shrugging my shoulders, I don’t let it bother me.

  He must be busy.

  When I pull in front of the cute old building, I notice Meg’s Audi parked in front. Taking the spot next to hers, I smile when I see her holding the entrance door open, waiting for me.

  “Hi, Alexa,” she says in a friendly tone once I get closer.

  “Hi, Meg. How are you?” I ask.

  “Great! Are you ready for one of the fun parts of wedding planning?”

  A huge smile spreads across my face.

  “Yes! I’m so excited.”

  Once we get inside, we’re greeted by an old little man that Meg introduces as the owner, William.

  “Oh my god, it’s so nice to meet you. What a lovely store you have,” I tell him, overly humbled that he is taking the time out to meet with me. This florist is very well known. Only the best of the best use him for their events and weddings.

  “It’s my pleasure,” he smiles. “Shall we go sit down?” he asks, gesturing to the room to the side of us which is dressed up with dozens of arrangements, a sofa, and a chair.

  We all take a seat as the front door chimes, alerting that someone has walked in. The woman behind the register greets the customer, but the man’s voice that responds catches my attention.

  Nolan!

  Meg looks at me frantically as I stand to go greet him.

  “Nolan, my fiancé is here,” I tell her. “I can’t wait for you to meet him!”

  She half smiles and stands as I see Nolan turn the corner.

  “Babe—” I start, but I’m cut off when Nolan’s eyes meet Meg.

  “What the fuck?” he shouts, eyes burning a hole through Meg.

  “Nolan...hi. How are you?” Meg answers, sounding overly nervous.

  “Who the hell do you think you are? What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my fiancé, Margo?”

  My head is going back and forth between the both of them, confused as all heck.

  “Nolan, no. This is Meg, not Margo.”

  Who’s Margo?

  “No, doll. Her name is fucking Margo, and I’d like to know what the fuck she is doing with you?” He says it to me, but he is looking square at her.

  “Let me explain,” Meg, or Margo, or whoever she is, responds, looking like she’s on the verge of tears.

  What is going on?

  “You know what? Don’t! I don’t want to hear your bullshit answer. Get the fuck out of here and stay away from me and my fiancé like you were supposed to!” he yells, pointing to the door.

  “I was just trying to help, Nolan. To make it up to you,” she cries, tears now streaming down her face.

  Nolan takes a few steps closer to her, rage pouring out of his eyes. Even though I know he’d never harm a woman, the pure hatred in his eyes scares the crap out of me, making me reach for his hand, holding him back.

  He looks back at me, giving me a sigh before returning his focus back to her.

  “There’s nothing you could do to fix what you have done. Stay out of my life. Stay away from my fiancé, and don’t ever breathe my name again,” he tells her in a low fiery voice, looking her square in the eyes and leaving no room for discussion.

  Meg visibly swallows hard before reaching for her clutch, sitting on the sofa. She looks at me first, softness in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Alexa. I should have told you who I was. I’ll assign another planner to your wedding.”

  “No! Did you not fucking understand me, Margo? I don’t want shit from you, or your company. Stay the fuck away like you were supposed to!”

  “But, Nolan…” I interrupt, tugging on his arm. I don’t know what the issue is or what Meg has done to him in the past, but I already tried this by myself before, and Meg has helped so much…

  He looks down at me, eyes turning tender.

  “Don’t worry, baby doll. You’ll have the wedding of your dreams,” he says in a sincere voice, looking softly in my eyes. “I promise.”

  Nodding my head slightly, I agree, trusting his judgment.

  He looks over at William with regret in his eyes.

  “I’m very sorry, sir, but can we reschedule this appointment for later in the week? I’ll pay you for your time today, but there has been…” Nolan turns to Meg, rage filling his sight again, “a huge misunderstanding.”

  The owner looks at Nolan, obviously skeptical. I’m sure he has a good business relationship with Meg and is loyal. He then looks at Meg. She nods her head, lips crinkling up, threatening to burst out again in tears.

  “As long as we won’t have any other problems like today,” he questions, looking Nolan in the eyes, seriousness pouring out of them.

  “No, sir, you have my word. Just like Margo has hers.” Nolan glares at her again.

  “Well then, call my secretary and schedule an appointment for this time next week. This is the only day I can do.”

  “Thank you so much,” I jump in, grateful that he didn’t kick us to the curb.

  “Yes, thank you, sir. I appreciate it,” Nolan adds, reaching to shake his hand. “We’ll be in touch.” He grabs my hand again after dropping William’s. Turning and facing Meg again, he practically growls, “I mean it,” before barreling for the exit, pulling me close behind him.

  – NOLAN –

  Sprinting out th
e exit, I drag Alexa as fast as possible behind me. I need to get the hell away from Margo. Seeing her face brought back a swarm of memories, and if I stood there any longer looking at her pitiful face, I was going to burst; say things that should never be said to a woman, even if it’s to the one I hate the most. I’m so fucking pissed off right now that I could spit bullets. How dare she come back into my life and use Alexa while she’s at it! I don’t give a fuck how well her intentions were, or what motive she had behind it. She’s dead to me and has been for a very long time.

  “You wanna tell me what that was all about?” Alexa questions, her breath winded as she hurries behind me.

  “I’ll tell you when we get home,” I respond, short and just a tad snippy.

  “Don’t be a jerk to me, Nolan. I deserve to know what the hell that was all about…now.” She yanks her hand from mine and folds them across her chest, standing and waiting for me to answer her.

  “Not now,” I huff, looking her in the eye. “We need to get outta here. Just trust me...please.”

  She looks at me a moment longer, before agreeing.

  “Fine, but you’re not driving home.”

  “What?”

  “Nolan, you’re so mad that you’re shaking. You’re not driving. Get in my car. We’ll come get yours later.”

  Exhaling in defeat and closing my eyes to catch my breath, I tell her, “I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Just meet me at home.”

  Faintly, I hear the bell chime to the door of the florist, making my anger start to build again. We need to leave. We need to leave, now!

  “Get. In. the. Car. Nolan!” Alexa says in a tone of voice I’ve never heard, and frankly, it’s a little frightening. Opening my eyes, I see her standing with the passenger side door open, pointing to the interior.

  Seeing Margo coming into my peripheral vision, I decide to do the right thing and get in the car. With a disgusted look directed towards Margo, I do what my fiancé ordered and take a seat. No words are voiced the whole way home, and every time I steal a glance at Alexa, her hands are tightly gripping the steering wheel, placed firmly at ten and two. She keeps quiet, though, granting me my wish of waiting until we get home, and giving myself time to figure out how the hell I tell her and why she never knew. Margo is a part of my past; a past I don’t wish to relive.

  By the time we pull into the driveway, the intensity between us has grown to unbearable levels. I should have just spilled it out on the way home. Now the pot has had too much time to stir, and the sass behind Alexa’s walk as she goes into the house tells me she’s pissed, and getting more and more by the minute.

  As soon as I step foot inside the door, leading into the house from the garage, she lays in.

  “Why do I not know about her? Three years, Nolan! We’ve been together for over three fricken years and I’ve never heard you breathe her name. How is this even possible?”

  Taking a cleansing breath, and softly grabbing her hand, I walk us into the living room. Sitting us both down onto the couch, I begin. I tell my love all about my dark past, the past I never wanted her to know.

  “Yes, you should’ve known. I should’ve told you a long time ago, but I didn’t want you to think different of me, I didn’t want it to matter. I’m not that person anymore…he…I was awful, and what she did to me…” I rub my face, remembering the pain, “I’ll never forgive her for it.

  – ALEXA –

  All the way home, I stewed. When we left the florist I was mostly confused, but as I drove, I got mad. Here we are, planning our wedding, and he shows up, basically loses a gasket in the middle of the florist’s on a woman that I have never heard about. Not a single thing. Then it dawned on me, I’ve never heard about any woman that has been in Nolan’s life–I barely know anything. He knows everything about me, down to the first time that I have ever had sex, or the one time I tried smoking a cigarette. To him, my life is an open book. His is sealed shut. Locked with no key to get in.

  However, every tense muscle in my body melts as I see the love of my life clearly pained, sitting next to me on the couch and holding my hands with such intensity that I can feel his rapid pulse transfer into mine.

  “I could never hold the past against you, babe.” I look him gently in the eyes. “You, right here and now, is all that I care about. But I’d like to know. I’d like to know how you’ve become the person you are today. I need to know these things.”

  Swallowing hard, he nods his head in agreement.

  “I know…” He exhales through his nose. “It’s just a lot. A lot to take in and have to remember. I hate remembering.”

  – NOLAN –

  Alexa doesn’t respond. Just waits. Waits to hear the past that has formed the person I am today. But will she still love it…me, the person with the demons? Staring at her sweet little hands, rested delicately in mine, I question if this will be the last time we sit here like this–hand in hand and in love. Will she still see me as the same person after hearing what I have to say? Will she see the reason why I carry the baggage I do and hate me for it? Hate me like my sister did for so long.

  “Nolan, it’s okay. I love you. Nothing you say will ever change that,” she softly whispers, angling her face so that she can see mine.

  With her platinum hair falling naturally to the side, her emerald eyes that make me weak on a daily basis stare passionately into mine, forming an ache inside of my chest.

  God, I love her so damn much.

  Taking another deep breath, I sit up straight and bite the bullet. She has to know. No matter how she takes it, she deserves to know.

  “I’ve told you how my parents died, right? On 9/11…on a plane?”

  She nods her head, agreeing.

  “Well, they wouldn’t have been on that plane if it weren’t for me. They weren’t supposed to come back until that Saturday…but I got arrested. They had to come bail me out.”

  Resting my finger over her lips as she starts to speak, I tell her no. “Don’t try to justify it, doll. They were on that plane because of me.” She swallows again with pain forming in her eyes. “Just let me finish…okay?”

  She nods her head again before I remove my fingers from her lips.

  “I was a fuck-up. Getting into trouble all the time...doing drugs and getting drunk, day in and day out. The night before the crash, I got caught. I was visiting some friends in California, selling drugs out of an old abandoned house just outside the city. The cops got wind of it, set us up, and arrested us all on the spot. My dad was a lawyer, though. The best around. As soon as he got the call, they scheduled their flight for the next morning, telling me to not speak a word to anyone until they got there.” I sigh, remembering the comfort in my dad’s voice that night. Not pissed. Disappointed, yeah, but there was still love and comfort in his tone, making sure I didn’t worry. That they’d help me, even after all the shit I put them through. Their love for me was unconditional. They never gave up on me–always seeing the good and having hope that I’d someday find the light and become a better person.

  “They never made it. Kelly talked to them on their cellphone minutes before the plane went down. They were one of the people who notified their loved ones from the plane.” Alexa’s breath hitches and her hand covers her mouth, causing an ache in my chest.

  She’s going to hate me…

  “They were telling her who to call for me. Which lawyer to assign to my case.”

  A knot forms in my throat, thinking about their devotion to me.

  “Still, moments before they were about to die, they were worrying about me. Not them...me. As pissed as Kelly was, she did it. She did as they asked, calling my dad’s partner and assigning him to the case. He somehow got me released, winning me just a crap load of community service unlike the time in juvie that my other friends got.”

  I shake my head in shame.

  “I wish he would have just let me do the time. Maybe I would have straightened out sooner because I just got worse. Everyone hated me. Kelly, my friends, my
grandparents...everyone. And they had the right to. I killed my parents and got away with it while everyone else suffered. I went harder than before, got into even heavier shit. Didn’t even know where I was half the time, or who I was screwing. My life was a blur, and that’s how I wanted it. I didn’t want to be alive. I didn’t want to remember.”

  I close my eyes, not wanting to see the pain on Alexa’s face. I can’t bear it, but need to finish. I need to tell her where Margo came in.

  “That’s when I met Margo. She was just as fucked up as I was, living her life high and passed out half the time. We had the most fucked up relationship, but I loved her. Even if I can’t remember the first half of our relationship, she was the only person that got me. Ran away and never looked back…like me.”

  Alexa’s thumb caresses the top of my hand and I wonder why? How can she comfort me right now?

  – ALEXA –

  My heart is ready to explode listening to Nolan right now. The pain. The remorse. The regret that he has carried is almost too much to bear. And he blames himself. Everything bad that has ever happened in his life, he blames himself for. I wish he’d let me talk; to tell him it’s not his fault, that it was just an unfortunate coincidence. It wasn’t his fault.

  “Just after my seventeenth birthday, Margo found out she was pregnant.”

  My eyes spring open, not expecting that to come next.

  “You have a kid?” slides off of my tongue without even thinking.

  No words come as he looks down, eyes shut and lips quivering, shaking his head no. I inch closer to his side, resting my hand on his cheek. I’ve never seen him this exposed–so vulnerable.

  He licks his lips before inhaling deeply, opening his eyes, but still looking down.

  “We agreed that we’d clean up, for the baby. We started going to school every day, I got a job...finally getting our lives back on track. I got back in touch with Kelly, pleading for her forgiveness, telling her how sorry I was and that I needed some kind of family in my life, in my kid’s life. She had been going to therapy and was in a better place, telling me that she shouldn’t have blamed me, even though she was right to. It was my fault.”