by Anne Hansen
“My grandmother is friends with a woman whose mother’s brother rents a place across from your apartment. And he’s always checking the street for suspicious activity. He says he saw a certain very loud car pull up outside your place and a—what were his words again? Oh, I remember—‘a big muscleman thug’ went into your place.”
Lily’s mouth is hanging open. She opens and closes it several times, like a big fish that leapt out of the water and won’t go back in until it hears every bit of juicy gossip. “Vin? Moretti? At? Your? House!” she screeches.
I glare at her. “Lily,” I hiss. “Keep it down.”
“Is it true? What happened? Did you guys—” She stops short and fans herself, arching her back against the lockers and pushing her hands up through her curls. “I don’t know if I can even stand hearing about it.”
“Excellent. Because there’s nothing to hear anyway,” I say, slamming my locker shut. David and Lily are at my heels.
“Keira, listen,” David pleads. “I can’t know if this is all some unverified story from a crazy old man. Just let me know my facts are straight,” he says, like it’s a totally reasonable request. “Also just let me know if you had this incredibly romantic night with Vin. All you have to say is ‘yes’...I’ll fill in my own details.”
I know I should stick to my ‘nothing happened’ story, but these two are absolutely relentless. They’ll drive me out of my mind with questions if I don’t tell them something, so I tell them the bare bones. Which are all true. And, of course, leave a ton out. Oh well.
“I’ve been tutoring him in English. He noticed I was struggling with pre-calc and offered to help. And I now have a much firmer grasp on my trig identities. That’s all the juicy details.” I glance from one crestfallen face to the other and groan. “Seriously! That’s it. By the way, why do you two even care?”
“Because you’re this incredibly sweet, smart, amazing girl and Vin Moretti is this dark, brooding anti-hero, and a romance between the two of you would be like Wuthering Heights 2.0,” Lily gushes.
“Also because Lily and I are both way too chickenshit to pursue relationships of our own that we could then obsess over. So we’re like relationship succubi, feeding our need for romance by living vicariously through you. And you, my friend, are like a damn steel trap, so we’re starving here,” he huffs. Then he gives his ‘Golden Globes’ smile—the one he practices for the day when he’ll walk the red carpet for his best costume designer nomination.
Lily practically melts into a puddle on the floor, and I don’t have to turn to know who’s walking past. Usually Vin and I keep a pretty respectful distance in school, only really talking during ninth period study.
Today, while my deeply suspicious, sheep-eyed friends watch, he leans over and asks, “How’d you sleep?” with that smile that sets my heart galloping.
“Just fine thank you,” I murmur, widening my eyes at Lily and David, who are examining the contents of their backpacks like they’ve just discovered the Holy Grail in there.
Vin follows my eyes and gives me a wink. “Right. Not in front of the kids.” He takes out a folder, and I see the pride on his face. “Nailed this essay.”
“You’re done a day early?” I ask. Does this mean no study session in ninth? I’m surprised by how upset that makes me. “Are you sure you don’t want me to do a final read through?”
“My sister looked through it for me,” he says with a shrug. “When she isn’t dancing, she’s reading, so she knows all kinds of lame crap about punctuation and grammar. You know…the kind of stuff you usually have to correct for me.”
“Well, lucky you. You’re, uh, free this afternoon, I guess,” I say, making sure I keep a nonchalant look on my face.
“What?” He chuckles. “You think you’re off the hook? Not so fast, teach. I’ll see you ninth, like always.”
He walks into class without a backward glance and David and Lily jump up and down, shaking me back and forth and silent screaming. I sigh. This is the price I pay for being friends with the co-presidents of the drama club.
“You have so much explaining to do, young lady,” David says, wagging a finger at me.
“Excuse me,” Mrs. Delani says, poking her head out the doorway. “You three have fifteen seconds to land your butts in your seats.” Lily and David rush in, and Mrs. Delani clucks her tongue at me. “The world is off its everloving axis when Keira McCabe is late for class and Vin Moretti hands his paper in a day early.”
But she’s grinning from ear to ear when she says it.
I barely have a second to glance at Vin as I slide into my seat, but I notice he’s sitting up. He has a fresh notebook out and a pen ready. There’s a new-looking backpack under his desk.
My fingers grip the edge of the desk, and I breathe slowly, deeply, to keep from hyperventilating. Because this is real. This is promise.
Vin is trying. He’s really trying. And if he can change, if he can believe he’s good enough for me, for us…
I blot out the rest of the thought and try to copy the notes Mrs. Delani is putting on the board. I’m not all that shocked to find my notes interrupted with hearts and vines when the final bell rings.
***
I walk into ninth period with a tight feeling low in my stomach. It’s part excitement, part pure, raw nerves. Vin is already waiting for me by the sign-out sheet. I walk up and peek over his shoulder. He’s signed us to the “career center.”
I follow him to the double doors that lead out, but I’m not prepared for him to take my hand in his. He wraps his fingers tight around mine and pulls me to his car. We slip in, he rolls the windows down, and I suck in the brisk air as fast as my lungs can handle it.
“How’d you do in pre-calc?” he asks as he pulls onto the highway and picks up speed.
“We won’t see our grades until Monday, but I feel like I aced it.” I roll my head to the side and look at his profile. He’s relaxed, even happy maybe. He’s the Vin I knew and loved this summer. As much as I hate the back and forth, the push and pull, I can’t resist him.
As David quoted during lunch, “‘The heart wants what it wants.’ That Emily Dickinson knew what she was saying. And I bet she had hot, sexy, secret romances just like you.”
I expected him and Lily to grill me all period, but they just went back and forth sharing ridiculous scenarios that they dreamed up. Those ran the gamut from PG-13 to X rated, but I think they did it to get me to laugh and because they realized what I have with Vin might be more intense than they imagined, so it’s not just fodder for gossip.
It’s as real to them as it is to me.
Which is scary. I’m so used to what Vin and I have being a huge secret. If it’s obvious to the people around us, how much longer are we going to be able to walk this tightrope?
We pull up at at a place called Johnny and Hanges and Vin comes around to open my door. “I hope you like chili dogs,” he says as he leans in to take my hand.
I frown and shake my head as he helps me out of the car. “No, I don’t like them,” I say, giggling when his face falls. “I love them.”
“That’s my girl,” he says, and I try not to skip.
It’s just an expression, my girl. Anyway, Vin and I are taking small, positive steps toward friendship, never mind anything more complicated. I need to keep grounded about that.
Vin juggles giving our order while I point to the menu over and over, totally excited. When the guy behind the counter finally slides our tray forward, it’s piled with Italian Style hot dogs, gravy and cheese fries, onion rings, potato rounds, and birch beers.
“We’re never going to be able to eat this all,” I say, breathing the delicious, greasy smell in.
“You better try. You need to eat,” Vin grumbles as he leads us to a table by the window.
“I eat,” I object.
“Even my ma says you’re too thin.” He picks up a hot dog and nods at me to do the same.
“I have a feeling your mother tells every girl you
bring home she’s too thin.” I take a huge bite, loving the sweet and savory taste of the piled on peppers and onions. I study my distorted reflection in the silver napkin holder to avoid Vin’s look.
But he waits for me to finally make eye contact before he answers my not-so-subtle jab.
“I never brought a girl home before you, Keira. And I have no plans to bring anyone else home in the future.”
I stuff my face with fries drenched in cheese and gravy to keep from asking myself the obvious; is that because I’m the girl he plans to keep bringing around?
I wait to ask until we’re almost done eating, because I want to revel in this moment, pretend we’re just two people who really like each other’s company chilling together without all the drama we always seem to fall into. But it’s not my nature to let things lie.
I constantly find myself poking at things that most people with half a brain would rather leave alone.
“I’m having fun,” I preface, then sip the dregs of my birch beer. When I look at Vin, his eyebrow is cocked, like he’s waiting for the “but.” “I don’t want to make this more or less than it is. But I want to know what this is, Vin. What it is according to you, at least.”
“What I feel about you…what I’ve felt about you from the second I met you this summer—that hasn’t changed at all.” He sits forward, and his voice is so low, it sends a tornado of butterflies swirling in my stomach. “But everything else has, which is why I’m trying to figure out how far I can take this.”
“Why is that something you have to figure out?” I look into his eyes, green and sexy and also a little sad just at the edges. “Why is the way we feel about each other so complicated?”
“It isn’t.” He reaches across the table, but stops short of touching my hand. “What I feel about you is simple. If things were perfect, I’d never hold back with you. But I don’t have that option. The life I lead is what’s complicated. And not in a good way.”
“Uncomplicate it then,” I challenge.
“Easier said than done.” He leans even closer and stares at me like he’s peeling back my skin and bones and zeroing in on my soul. “The problem is, I’m not willing to drag you into all the bad I’ve got going on.”
“Alright. But you realize that means I’m going to miss out on so much good?” I move my hand forward to close that tiny space he was too afraid to, and my fingers brush over his. “I get that you’ve done some bad. But you are good. You are a truly good-hearted person who’s made some stupid life choices.”
“You give me more credit than I deserve.” He stares at my hand on his like he’s afraid to make a move, afraid to startle me away from touching him.
“I give the love we have for each other all the credit it deserves,” I counter.
His eyes fly up to mine. Funny how we whispered and shouted and casually tossed around the word “love” all summer, but now it burns between us like some forbidden word.
My voice rises, and I just don’t care. “What we have is so much stronger than all the crap going on right now. If it wasn’t, one of us would have walked away already. You and me—we’re the only things that can stand in the way of what we have. And I don’t want either one of us to throw this away.”
He holds my gaze and shakes his head. “Damn. You have no clue how sexy you are when you’re all worked up.”
I slide my hand up his wrist, along his arm, close my eyes and just feel his skin and muscle under my fingers. God, I’ve missed having unrestricted access to him, his body, his life, his attention.
I took loving him and being loved by him for granted, never thinking anything would be able to keep us apart.
“Keira,” he says, and it’s like he’s begging—I just don’t know if he’s begging for me to stop or keep going. “I can’t…we can’t do this. I’m pushing things already. If we go too far, we’re going to regret it.”
I slide my hands up and down his arms. “I’ve never regretted a single second I spent with you, Vin. In fact, the one and only regret I have is all the time we’ve lost since this summer. I’m tired of being so damn careful.”
“What do you want?” he asks.
I fit our hands palm to palm and weave my fingers through is.
“You,” I whisper. “Just you.”
“This is dangerous,” he says, but he tightens his fingers around mine.
“Maybe. But nothing worth having comes from playing it safe.”
He pulls me up without a word and practically drags me out to his car. He settles me in my seat and stalks over to his side, opens the door, and slams it shut.
“Vin?” I ask. A second ago I felt sure things were going the way I’d been hoping they would, but I’m not so sure now. “What are you—”
But he’s leaned across the seat, cupped my face in his hand, and he growls, “Damnit, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this, Keira.”
His mouth is hot and quick on mine. His hand moves behind my neck and pulls me closer and his tongue urges my mouth to open, then licks at mine, twining around with a slick, sweet twist. I can’t hold back the moan that shakes through me. I grab onto his broad shoulders, run my hands up and down his arms and around his back, like I can’t touch him enough to make up for the weeks we’ve spent not touching at all.
He pulls away, leaving soft kisses on my parted lips. “We can’t do this here. Do you…do you want to go home with me?” He closes those green eyes tight and shakes his head. “You can say ‘no.’ The best part of me wants you to say ‘no.’”
I press my lips to his and smile. “Yes. Yes, I want you to take me home with you, Vin,” I say, gripping his neck and kissing him hard.
He pulls away and stares out the windshield. For a second, I’m afraid he’s going to change his mind, but he pulls out and drives toward his house.
I know this is a single, crazy moment. I know he may wind up questioning what we’re doing together, even regretting it.
But I know I won’t.
I understand why he’s tried so hard to push me away, but I’m ready to push back. I’m ready to show him why what we have is worth the risk.
I want to crawl back into his memory and release all the good I know he’s keeping under lock and key. I want him to want to fight for us as much as I do.
We pull up to his house and he leads me up a set of side steps to an apartment above the garage. He unlocks it and throws the door open so I can go in.
“Wow. This is…really nice.” I turn around to take in the space, which is modern and clean. It feels like a real little apartment and not just some rooms over a garage.
“My brother, Dom, lived here for a few years before he got his own place. Me and Dom built it from the studs out with our grandfather. He was a foreman on a construction site before he retired.” He sticks his hands in his pockets and surveys it all with this proud look on his face.
“It’s amazing.” I want to say so much more, but I don’t want to push. It’s rare for Vin to reveal so much about his personal life, and I realize what a huge deal this is.
“Before you assume any crazy shit, I’ll just come out and say I’ve never had a girl here before,” he says, and his smile uncoils something in my heart.
“I’m honored.” I put my purse down on the gray couch and drape my jacket over the back.
“Do you want something to drink?” he asks, the question perfectly polite.
Which is completely at odds with the very impolite, sexy way his eyes are running up and over me.
“No, thank you.” I walk toward him, one step at a time, until I’m in his arms. And I tell him what I’ve been feeling for weeks, even when we’re sitting across from each other at school or riding next to each other in his car. “I’ve missed you.”
The expression on his face is what I imagine he’d look like if I slapped him. Hard.
“I’m always watching out for you. You have to know that,” he says, pressing his hands into my hair and running his thumbs over the top of my e
ars in the way he knows drives me so damn crazy.
“I do know that,” I tell him, standing on my toes to kiss his neck very, very softly…the way I know drives him so damn crazy. “But I don’t need you to watch out for me. I need you to stand by my side, Vin.”
“I’m afraid, Keira. I’m afraid that who I am and what I do will change the way people see you,” he says, his voice low and tight.
“I don’t care what anyone else thinks.” I run my fingers under the bottom of his t-shirt and let them brush over his sides, his abs, his chest…all of him. I touch him like I’m reclaiming something I once owned and lost and just now got back.
I’m touching him like I never want to forget…because now I know there’s a chance this could all be snatched away from me again, and I can’t afford to take a single second for granted.
“I care,” he argues, biting back the next words for a second when I tug his shirt over his head and toss it on the floor. “You’re making it hard to think.”
“Good.” I kiss his shoulders, up his neck, along his jaw, so eager, I can’t wait to kiss the next spot on him. “Forget everyone else. Right now, right here, it’s just the two of us. And that’s all we need.”
“But tomorrow—”
I press my lips hard over his gorgeous mouth, then pull back. “Tomorrow’s too far away to think about. All I want to think about is you and me, right here, right now.”
He gives a low growl and picks me up. I wrap my legs around his waist and he stumbles to his room, kissing me and bumping into furniture and door frames as we go. By the time he drops me on his bed, we’re both laughing so hard, we’re out of breath.
“Remember when we snuck out in that canoe?” I ask, feathering my fingers over his eyebrows. The long spikes of his lashes poke between my fingers.
“And tipped the damn thing over?” He grins and nuzzles my neck. “Remember when thought we were alone in the lodge pantry—”
“And little old Mrs. Barlow came in and lit up a joint!” I cry, laughing so hard, my sides hurt. “I will never forget her climbing up on that stepladder so she could blow the smoke out the vent. No wonder she was always smiling.” I rub my heels up and down his legs, feeling the bulge of his calf muscles under his jeans.
