Paint

by Becca Jameson

  “Yeah, I’ll check that out. Thanks,” Luke said to Andrew. Then Andrew turned and ambled down the hall, pausing outside Kathryn’s office before shaking his head and walking toward the exit.

  Class seemed interminable today, not in any way helped by Luke’s exhaustion. The kids were punchy because they were all getting ready for a week off for Spring Break, and Luke was distracted by his need to figure out a second job soon. When Luke finally dismissed his students—ten minutes early—he slid his beat-up laptop out of his messenger bag and Googled part-time jobs in Minneapolis and St. Paul. Before he knew it, he’d been online for a few hours, writing down possibilities, figuring out how to redo his resume so he was more marketable, checking forums for ideas for good work-at-home options.

  Kathryn popped her head in. “Thought your class got out hours ago?”

  “Yeah. It did. Just doing some research. Hope you don’t mind me borrowing your Wi-Fi.”

  Kathryn snorted. “Depends on what you’re borrowing it for?” She raised both her eyebrows.

  Luke flushed and shook his head. “Nothing like that. Just checking out some job prospects.”

  She slid into one of the seats at the student tables. “You really can’t hold out until this summer?”

  Luke shook his head, suddenly feeling like a tired old man. “No. Mom didn’t leave much, she’d been sick for so long. Most of her savings went to the funeral costs. And I need to really buckle down and start saving for college if I’m going to get my education degree.”

  “Is that what you want to do?”

  Luke nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I’d love to teach art as a full-time thing, you know? I love the kids and…” He shrugged.

  “And you’re very good with them,” Kathryn finished. “I think that’s great. And I do understand about you not having a safety net, but—”

  “Did someone say ‘safety net’? Because that sounds dirty and delicious,” Olivia said from the doorway, her body tucked beneath Nathan’s long arm.

  Luke jumped up. Shit. Not here. “Um, Kathryn, these are my… This is… This is Olivia and Nathan. They’re…friends.”

  “Really? That’s what we are? Friends?” Nathan tsked and shook his head.

  Luke stood stunned. God. They were going to do this here. Heat stole up Luke’s neck into his cheeks.

  How dare they come into his place of employment so cavalier and speak that way in front of his boss? He could lose his job. The Loft was a place for children. Even if Julian owned it, it didn’t mean Luke could bring all his sexual stuff here. A donor or a parent could walk by at any time. And he sure didn’t need Kathryn knowing he was involved in a threesome.

  Kathryn twisted around to face Nathan and Olivia and beamed a huge smile. “Oh my gosh. I haven’t seen you guys in ages. How are you?” She stood and headed toward the door to hug Olivia and shake Nathan’s hand.

  “We’re good,” Nathan said.

  Luke finally found his voice. “Wait. You know each other?”

  Kathryn turned around. “Of course. They’re friends with Morgan and Julian. Isn’t that how you know them?”

  Luke’s eyes opened wider. He couldn’t seem to blink. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Shit.

  It got worse. Kathryn looked back at Nathan and Olivia and then returned her gaze to Luke.

  He could feel his cheeks flaming redder and could do nothing to stop the embarrassment.

  “Oh,” Kathryn said. “I mean. Oohh.” She seemed at least as flustered as Luke felt. But she recovered, shaking her head and grinning. “Lord, this world is small.” She nodded toward the door and inched passed Nathan, who held Olivia close to his side. “Well, I’ve got a few more things to take care of in my office.” She hesitated for a moment and then left in a hurry.

  Nathan and Olivia know Julian and Morgan? Luke gripped the edge of his desk. How friendly were they? Had they all played together? Luke looked at his feet. He was drowning, too new and too naïve to truly understand this world. Too afraid to ask the questions he should be asking.

  Julian had an almost feral protective streak when it came to Morgan. Luke regarded Olivia and Nathan, and for one moment he allowed himself to wish for that from them. He wished they could be more than just sex, that they would actually take on his problems as their own like Julian did with Morgan.

  “You’re upset?” Nathan asked. The question snapped Luke out of his longing and into full-on anger.

  “Upset? Fuck no. I’m totally pissed. What the hell are you doing here?”

  Nathan’s face fell. “What? Why?”

  Luke smarted. Was Nathan this clueless or insensitive? Couldn’t he see what was happening here? He could lose his job because of them. Perhaps no one else needed to actually work hard to pay the rent or hope for a better future, but Luke was constantly teetering on the edge of losing his apartment and his employment depended on the difference between eating tomorrow and not eating. “‘Why?’ Are you even serious? Why would you show up here?”

  “To get you. You’re late, and you didn’t answer your phone. We thought we’d collect you.” Nathan tried for an easy tone, but Luke could see he knew something was wrong.

  “I had shit to do. Nathan, I know this will come as a shock, but not everything is about playing. There’s a whole world out there with responsibilities and financial burdens and a bunch of grown-up shit that’s most assuredly not fun.”

  Olivia walked toward Luke and pushed him into a chair. She circled behind him, pressed her hands on his shoulders, and kneaded his tight muscles. “Do you want to tell us about it? Whatever it is that’s gotten you in this mood? It’s more than us being here,” she said in a voice much softer than he was used to from her.

  “Do you want to hear?” He twisted around, shrugging her hands off him. He was in no mood for nice.

  Nathan took a seat in front of Luke and spread his legs out so Luke’s knees wedged together inside of them. “Of course we want to hear.”

  Luke glanced at Nathan’s semi-hard cock—the thing never seemed to be flaccid—and lifted an eyebrow. These two didn’t understand him at all. Could they not for one minute stop playing and take him seriously? “Sure about that? I’m guessing you’d rather have my mouth engaged elsewhere.” Aggravation climbed up Luke’s spine. He was stressed and Nathan and Olivia’s entrance hadn’t lessened the sensation. They’d shown up at his workplace, mocked him in front of his boss, and now they were making light of a situation that was very real and serious to Luke.

  Nathan sat back and gaped at Luke. “Ouch, don’t hold back. Tell me how you really feel.”

  Luke jumped to his feet. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

  Nathan stood also, his face a mask of confusion. “What is it that you think we’re doing with you, Luke?”

  “Fucking me,” Luke nearly shouted.

  Olivia stepped closer. “I think we need to clear the air a bit here.”

  “Am I wrong? Aren’t you fucking me?”

  Nathan shook his head. “Is that all you think we’re interested in?”

  Luke rolled his eyes. “Yes. All the time. Anywhere. Everywhere. I thought when you walked in here… Jesus, I can’t lose my job. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like being with you. But we’re hardly an emotionally deep threesome here. This isn’t…” He waved his hand vaguely.

  “This isn’t what?” Nathan asked, his nostrils flaring.

  “It isn’t real. You don’t know anything about me. I don’t know anything about you. Not really. I know what you taste like. I know what you sound like when you come. But I couldn’t tell you what your favorite color is or if you had a dog when you were a kid or if you’ve ever broken any bones.”

  “Jesus Christ. There are people who have been married fifteen years who don’t know those things about each other. We’ve been with you for less than a month.”

  Luke’s hands shook. He fisted and unfisted them. “Exactly. And during that time, you’ve never, not one time, asked about my mom. Abou
t how much I miss her. About church and how it feels to slip into that confessional every week and wonder if Father George is going to tell me I’m condemned to Hell. About how worried I am about paying rent next month or saving for college.”

  Crap. Where did that come from? This wasn’t their fault. In his heart, he knew it, but he was walking a tightrope, and them showing up at his workplace only made it clearer they didn’t get him at all.

  “Do you want us to ask you those things, Luke?” Olivia said, her voice softer now. “It’s not like we don’t know about them. We just thought, well, we thought maybe we were taking your mind off the difficult stuff. Like we could be something that made you happy instead of worried or sad.”

  Luke slumped back into his chair, the anger of a few minutes ago slipping away like water being squeezed from a sponge, replaced by a mixture of longing and sadness. “You do make me happy. But it’s not like those other things go away. You might be able to compartmentalize and not give a shit about anything, but I can’t. Always in the back of my mind I’m worried about money. I need a second job. I’ve been sitting here for over two hours looking for work online.” He pointed at his laptop.

  Nathan dropped to his knees in front of Luke, gripping his thighs with strong hands. “Do you want our help?”

  Luke shook his head. “It doesn’t work like that. You can’t start caring because I threw a fit and asked you to. You have to care regardless. And the truth is, the two of you don’t. You don’t really care about anything.”

  Nathan’s eyes flashed and he inhaled deeply. “You have no idea what we do and don’t care about. This is new to us too. But now isn’t the time for me to explain it. You’re upset, and there’s nothing we can say or do to make that better. Come talk to us when you can be reasonable.”

  Luke’s eyes grew wide. “Wait. What?”

  Nathan pulled Olivia toward him and tipped his head at Luke. “Come talk to us when you aren’t having a pity party for yourself. I don’t know what the fuck happened here today—”

  “Nothing,” Luke interrupted. “Nothing happened. I looked for jobs I’m not qualified for. I thought about going to school I’ll never be able to afford. I wondered what it would be like to…” Luke stopped. No. He couldn’t say it. They wouldn’t understand him.

  “To what?”

  “Have a family,” Luke whispered.

  A sigh escaped from Olivia. “Oh Luke, somos una familia ya. No lo sabes?”

  Nathan held up his hand. “No, Livi, clearly he doesn’t know we’re already a family. And we’re not getting into this here. Luke has had a crap day and needs to work some things out.”

  Nathan pulled Livi toward the door and Luke’s nerves lit up in panic. “You’re leaving? For good? Are you using the out clause?”

  Olivia slipped away from Nathan and moved back toward Luke, taking his hand in hers. “No, baby. We want you. We want all of you. When you’re ready to ask us for what you want, we’ll be waiting. But don’t you dare put this only on the two of us. We’re not mind readers. You have to ask.”

  Then before Luke could say anything else, the two of them slipped out of the classroom and down the hall to the exit. He almost went after them. Almost. But his feet felt like lead cemented to the ground.

  •●•

  “We should have asked him to move in with us earlier,” Olivia said from the door of their bedroom.

  Nathan lay flat on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He’d been circling the conversation around in his mind for the past half hour. Where did Luke’s anger come from? Did he really think they only cared about sex? Had they gone wrong trying to keep his mind off all his burdens? “I wanted to make sure it was what he wanted. He’s not like you or me. He’s thoughtful about his decisions. And I didn’t want to take away his independence.”

  “You heard what he said about family. He needs our protection. He’s so young. Since we never asked him to move in and let us help, he thinks that means we don’t care.”

  “Yes, but we can’t just tell him we care and have all be forgiven. He doesn’t see us trying to take his mind off of things as caring. We need to give him time to work through it. This needs to be his decision. He has to figure out what he wants and ask for it.”

  Olivia slipped in beside him and curled her body into his. She’d always been such a strong foundation for him, so willing to do whatever he asked. “He seems a little lost. And I don’t think it’s just about money. Do you think the bigger problem is losing his mom or the church?”

  Nathan released a breath. “I’m not sure. But I’m betting they pour on the guilt pretty heavily at St. Jude’s. Especially if he tells that priest everything in the confessional.”

  Olivia relaxed into him. “Well, Catholic Church is Catholic Church. There’s little chance the place is making him feel all warm and fuzzy every week.”

  Nathan drew circles along her back. “So what do we do? We can’t ask him to stop being Catholic.”

  Olivia shook her head. “No. He needs to work it out in his own mind. We have no choice but to wait for him to come around. Or not.”

  Nathan pulled her in a little closer. “I hate this. He wants to be protected. He’s screaming for it. Did you see his face when Kathryn mentioned we were friends with Morgan and Julian?”

  Olivia nodded. “Do you think…? I mean, he said he’d met a couple after Christmas. And he’s so new to the lifestyle, but the Loft? Julian and Morgan probably found him there.”

  Nathan nodded. “Do you think he wants someone like Julian? I’m not anything like that.”

  Olivia shook her head. “No. He doesn’t. I see how he is with you.”

  Nathan relaxed. “He belongs to us. I’m sure of it. I can take care of him.”

  Olivia pulled back, tracing the lines of his face with her familiar fingers. “I know you can, baby.”

  Then he and Olivia made slow love, languishing over wet kisses and touching each other with gentle hands. But even when they came together, Olivia crying out beneath Nathan’s groan, it felt like both of them weren’t completely there. Like both of them had left a piece of themselves with Luke, and Nathan hoped to hell he would come back so they could be whole again.

  •●•

  Luke stood at the bar, staring into the drink in front of him. He wasn’t much of a drinker. He didn’t like beer. And he didn’t know much about mixed drinks. So he’d chosen a gin and tonic. It tasted all right. Not something he would probably order again.

  What he wanted was to fit in. A normal evening with normal people in a normal location. That’s what he needed. Right? Anything to shake Olivia and Nathan from his mind.

  He’d forced himself to give this a try. He seemed to be a failure at what he really craved. Maybe it was because his desire to live in a kinky ménage was doomed, either because it wasn’t for him or because it wasn’t what God would want for him.

  Either way, he needed to give vanilla a shot. If he was honest with himself, he’d had very few vanilla experiences. They’d never appealed to him. Even when he was younger. Was he a pervert?

  He took a deep breath and turned around to face the crowded bar.

  The ice clinked in his glass, letting him know his hand was shaking. He set it on the bar behind him and tried to look casual.

  Two giggling girls squeezed up to the bar next to him and ordered drinks. They stood back as they waited. One of them bumped his knee. “Oops. Sorry.” She continued to laugh as she grabbed his thigh. “I’m such a klutz.” She rolled her eyes. Her hand trailed up his leg as she spoke.

  His cock didn’t react to her attention. What the hell was the matter with him? “No problem.” He grabbed his glass and took a drink, trying not to wince at the taste of the gin.

  Suddenly the girl released him. She walked away with her friend, looking back at him with her head cocked to one side as though confused.

  Was she wondering why he didn’t respond to her flirting? Hell, he was wondering the same thing.

  Luke.
Get it together. It’s what you’re here for. To pick up a woman. Remember? Normal. Try it.

  He sat there for another thirty minutes. He ordered another gin and tonic, even though the first one had done nothing for him. He needed something to do with his hands, and it seemed most of the men surrounding him were drinking either beer or something on the rocks. So gin and tonic it was. He wasn’t brave enough to attempt to order something different.

  Another woman squeezed up beside him to order a drink. He needed to make a move. He had a second chance. When her arm brushed his, he turned toward her frustrated glare. The bartender hadn’t noticed her yet.

  Luke wasn’t the outgoing type, but he mustered up the courage to go for it. “It’s hard to get their attention. It’s crowded in here. Want me to try?”

  She turned toward him and smiled, relief written on her face. “God. Would you?”

  “Sure. What would you like to drink?”

  “You choose.” She smiled broader.

  Fuck. He couldn’t even choose for himself, let alone someone else. Jesus.

  Luke lifted his hand at the bartender, shaking so hard he was sure the woman would notice.

  The man saw him almost immediately. “What can I get for you?”

  “Make something special for my friend here.” Luke exhaled with relief when the idea came to him.

  Moments later, the bartender returned with something green in a tall glass, and the woman clapped her hands. “That looks delicious.”

  Luke handed over another ten dollars, knowing he was depleting this week’s wages when he should be socking them away.

  He turned back to the woman as she sipped the fruity concoction. “Mmm. That’s good.” She let the straw slip from her full lips and held out a hand. “Ava.”

  Luke smiled as he took her hand in his. “Mark.” He had no idea why he chose to lie to her, but it just slipped off his tongue.

  “You want to dance?” Ava asked.

  Luke nodded. Perfect opportunity. She was cute. Her blonde curls bobbed around her shoulders. Her big blue eyes were huge. She’d also taken a chance, asking him to dance.