Psycho Inside Me

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Oh, crap. Somehow I’d figure everything out, but not right then. According to my watch, I was late getting back by almost thirty minutes.

  Chapter 6

  I ignored my mom’s questioning glance when I strolled through the living room after my shower. I had less than twenty minutes to meet Deegan. “How was the movie?”

  “We started another one, Cass. Did you have to run so long? It was really good.” Kari waved a licorice rope at the TV. Popcorn permeated the air with its cloying buttery scent, so heavy I could taste it without ever taking a bite.

  Twisting the rubber band around my wrist, I rested on the arm of the couch which reminded me of Sheldon and the last couple hours with vivid detail. Jumping up from my spot, I claimed the empty easy chair. “Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I get going and I can’t stop.”

  I pretended to check my cell. “Oh, hey, Mom? Deegan just texted me and said the guys he was with left without him. His dad’s working or he wouldn’t have asked. Can we go pick him up from the movie theatres downtown?” I avoided Kari’s eyes. She’d know I was lying and I couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t call me on it in front of my mom.

  Mom laughed, coughing on the chocolate she’d just eaten. “Oh, that boy. Sure, come on. I wouldn’t mind picking up some stuff for cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Come on, boys, grab some shoes.”

  My face flushed. I stood, rubbing my hands on my pants. “Awesome, thanks. Kari, you coming too?” If not, she’d probably go to bed. She stayed over so much, my dad had invested in a trundle bed for my room. It rolled from the closet. I’d set it up that morning before leaving for school.

  That time seemed so long ago, like a memory I could revisit by looking at photos in a book.

  She nodded, inspecting my face for the secrets of life. “Deegan, huh? Since when did he call you for help?”

  I looked anywhere but at her face. “We’re friends. We run every day, remember?”

  “Yeah! But you never said he texted you and stuff. Oh my gosh, Cassie, that’s awesome!” Come on Kari, not in front of my mom. She already knew about my obsessive crush and how I dreamed of being Mrs. Deegan Ford.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I should’ve said something. I’m just a little embarrassed. I always talk about him. Don’t tell him, okay?” I unwound my ponytail and brushed my fingers through my locks.

  Mom returned from around the corner by the closet, curiosity curling her eyebrows. “Cass, if Deegan’s at the theaters, who’d you run with?”

  Oh crap. Number one rule with my mom regarding the running – never alone. She caught me.

  “Oh. Right. I ran alone, Mom.” I couldn’t look her in the eye. More guilt. More shame.

  “We’ll talk about this later. Come on.” She pressed her lips into a thin line.

  I followed her to the SUV, silent. Wow, she wasn’t too happy with my running without a partner. How would she react if she found out I’d killed – twice?

  ~~~

  The phone rang at precisely 12:01 am.

  I rolled over, unable to sleep, listening to Kari’s soft breathing. Of course she could sleep. She wasn’t at her house being molested by her awful uncle.

  My insomnia stemmed more from Deegan’s curious actions than the other thing that had happened. Even though Bobby hadn’t been planned, I’d talked myself into the justification of his death. How many other girls had he tried raping or successfully raped? How many boys had he bullied?

  He had terrorized kids for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t help thinking everyone owed me because of the relief his absence created.

  The phone rang two more times before my dad answered it. I didn’t have a phone in my room. Dad had given me a choice – own phone line or own cell phone. Easy choice.

  He answered from their room, his voice muffled by the walls. A long pause and then he had a short sentence, a pause, and another one.

  Calls late at night never surprised me. With Dad as the preacher of a large congregation, late night calls were almost the norm.

  I shifted on the mattress, certain I’d imagined the whole evening, even the time with Deegan – particularly the time with Deegan. Hopefully I’d fall asleep soon. Saturdays in my house did not include sleeping in.

  Dad hung up. A moment later, footsteps trudged down the hallway, pausing at my door.

  What if it was the cops? Maybe someone had seen me. Seen Deegan and he’d mentioned me. Or maybe Sheldon hadn’t died. Ew, if he hadn’t died, Deegan and I would be in serious trouble. Brief hope blossomed that maybe I hadn’t killed him. Maybe my soul was safe. Deegan’s. Our guilt would be baseless. I could already feel myself breathing lighter.

  Soft rapping on my door, like he didn’t think I’d be awake. I sat up. What could Dad want with me? Did he know? My stomach curdled. Oh, crap. “Yeah?” Too wired and nervous, I couldn’t even feign like I had just been woken from sleep.

  He pushed the door open and poked his head in. Bluish-white glow from the small night light plugged in by the door cast long shadows on his face, hiding his eyes. Did he know? “Cassie?” His whisper didn’t wake Kari. I’d forgotten she was there, feet from me, as I’d almost had a heart attack, thinking I’d been caught.

  “Hey, Dad. What’s wrong?” I rubbed at my eyes.

  Clearing his throat, he opened the door wider and moved inside. “Is Kari awake?” He raised his voice to speaking volumes.

  I shook my head, then replied, forgetting he couldn’t see me well in the dark. I reached for my lamp on the nightstand, turning the knob and blinking at the sudden brightness. Kari didn’t move. I narrowed my gaze. “Do you need something from Kari?” I didn’t want to wake her up. She didn’t wake well and she had this habit of being cranky when she was overly tired. We’d been in more fights than not because of her inability to cope with sleeplessness.

  Dad’s lips thinned and he clasped his hands at waist level. “I need to speak with her alone, Cassie. Can you wake her up for me and have her meet me in the living room, please?” He ducked out my door, unwilling or unable to stay for the worst part.

  “Kari, wake up.” I kicked the bed, the resulting jiggle and jangle loud enough I’d wake up if I were asleep. But she didn’t even flinch. I dug into her bag stored between her bed and mine and found her cell phone. I set it on the pillow next to her head and pulled my own out, typing out a fast text and sending it to her phone.

  The quiet hum as it vibrated beside her barely reached me. She’d never wake up. But she reached up and grabbed her phone, opening one eye to read the text and reply. I slapped her shoulder. “Hey, wake up. Dad wants to see you downstairs.” I startled her and she blinked both eyes slowly my way.

  “Wha—”

  “Go. It’s too late to keep him waiting.” I rolled out of my bed, stepping carefully around her things and my clothes I’d strewn about the floor. There might be something to be said about cleaning up after myself. Or not. I bit at the side of my thumb.

  Grumbling, Kari got up and pulled on my robe. “Where is he at?” She hadn’t completely woken up, or she’d be more worried about what my dad could possibly want at midnight.

  I pointed her downstairs and paced when she left the room. To the wall beside my desk and then back to my bed. Desk, bed, desk, bed, desk, bed. Come on. What was taking so long? I drew on my side-striped warm-up pants.

  After what could only be described as forever, Kari returned. She didn’t come in like a zombie and lay down, rather the only thing I could discern from her expression was confusion – in the slowness to her step, the pensive tilt to her head, and the wrinkling of her forehead. She couldn’t figure something out. Something that had required her to get up in the middle of the night and have a pow-wow with my dad downstairs.

  “What happened?” I resorted to picking at my cuticle. It’s hard to talk with a finger in my mouth.

  She sat on her bed, staring at her feet. As if someone pressed a button, she looked up and a smile pushed the confusion from her lips. Pure delight lit up her eyes
. She grabbed my hands in hers. “Cassie, I know I should be sad and all depressed, but my mom called and…” Kari wiped at a tear escaping her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m happy. Oh my word. My uncle’s dead. He was killed in his car during a drug deal or something down by the river.” She sniffed. “I’m sorry. I feel terrible for being happy, but my brothers are safe now from him.”

  A drug deal gone bad? Deegan must have nailed it when he’d guessed pot. I hadn’t had a chance to ask Deegan about the final details when Mom had dropped him off at his house. I’d waved, but that was it.

  Oh, crap, Cassie, react. I dropped my jaw and raised my eyebrows. “Dead, wow. I understand why you don’t seem very upset. Are you sure everything is okay?”

  She nodded, her hair bobbing with excitement. “I’m relieved. He can’t hurt me again and the boys are safe. I know, I know. I should be so upset. He’s family and he’s dead, but…” Kari shrugged. “I can’t be anything but relieved.”

  I reached out and hugged her. How could I feel guilty, like I did anything wrong when my friend’s face had lightened with emotion? Her worries were over. She was safe. How could I be upset about that? I wished Deegan could hear Kari’s relief, see the light in her eyes. In seconds, my friend had changed. Deegan and I had done that.

  Protecting my friend from a true nightmare made me feel good. I’d prevented her brothers from real pain. And… the euphoria returned. Like the power of a run, the control of the moment.

  The next one would be better. And the thought startled me. I hadn’t considered more – didn’t like the feelings of guilt that assailed me, the sickness at taking a life… okay, yes, I had puked three times on the way home before picking up Deegan… but the point wasn’t my reaction to killing, because I’d survived twice. The point was did Deegan and I continue but in a more formal manner? Did we go after those who deserved it?

  Deserved it… Deegan would never go for the idea. He’d expressly said as much earlier at Kari’s. Nobody deserved what had happened to Sheldon. And I agreed, but even more importantly? Nobody deserved what had happened to Kari, almost happened to me, could’ve happened to the sweet little boys sleeping in my brother’s room. If I could protect one more kid, give them the sense of security that I’d given Kari, how could there not be another one?

  I’d broken promises to myself before… what was one more?

  I just couldn’t do anything without Deegan… we’d promised together.

  Chapter 7

  “Hey, wanna meet at my cousin’s again?” Deegan’s proposal rumbled from the earpiece of my cell phone. I’d answered, assuming it was Kari to go to the mall or something. My heart skipped and jumped and had its own rodeo when I realized it was him.

  I couldn’t smother the joy in my voice, coyness be damned. “When?”

  “In an hour?” To the point. His own smile carried easily over the line.

  “Okay.” And that was it. We hung up, knowing the other would be there. Excited, I skipped down the hall and yelled to my mom I wanted to go out. I’d take my bike. She wouldn’t object to me being on that alone.

  No way would I ask her for a ride to a tattoo parlor.

  ~~~

  The lock clicked in place and I spun the dial. I’d parked my Schwinn outside Deegan’s cousin’s shop, the turquoise paint clashed with the dark brick siding.

  “Hey!” He waited for me at the door, holding it open with one arm. “You made it. I’m about ready to start, you up for this?”

  Part of me didn’t want to get another one, but I couldn’t say no. Not to Deegan. Plus, if I wanted him to discuss my idea, I’d go willingly into his plans without argument. “Sure. It can’t hurt as much as the last time.”

  “Thatta girl.” He patted my shoulder like a buddy on a team or something, confusing me further. Teenage girls did not need help being confused. Every second of every day confusion ruled me. “Hey, did you get the package I left you?”

  He’d dropped a box wrapped in white paper covered with vines on my front step a couple days after our activity. Opening it in secret, I’d discovered my knife. Oh, man. I’d forgotten all about it on the couch.

  I couldn’t smile. The relief his actions had brought me wasn’t a laughing matter. “I did, thank you so much.”

  “Sure, kid.” He opened the door wider.

  My forehead furrowed and I pushed past him to get inside.

  Deegan’s cousin swiveled in his chair, brandishing his tattoo gun. It looked like a gun, but I honestly had no idea what the technical term for it was. No way was I going to say needles or needle or pokies or anything. I hated sharp objects that I didn’t control. An image of my unused knife taped to the underside of my desk flashed in my mind.

  I waved. “Hey, Sal, how’s it goin’?”

  He lifted his chin in that upward nod so many “too cool” guys did. “Girl, how you doin’? How’s my art?” And without asking he reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it up, revealing the delicate filigree vine creeping up my side from just below my hip bone to an inch past my bottom rib. He traced the black lines with his forefinger. “You know, this is just waiting to be finished. This single leaf here is very pathetic looking, don’t you think, Deegs?” Sal leaned across me and eyed his cousin.

  Deegan didn’t argue. He settled onto the dentist-style chair in front of Sal and rolled up his sleeve, exposing the thick wired band wrapping the lines of his bicep. “That’s why we’re here. She’d like another one on there.” He didn’t drag his gaze from the flesh of my flat stomach. The heat in his eyes gave me a specific satisfaction I couldn’t define, but the realization that I liked it and that he would see it if he looked up made me drop the edge of my shirt and turn away. Warmth flooded my cheeks and I pretended to study the pictures of ink in a portfolio on Sal’s table.

  After a second, the familiar hum and buzz of the tattoo equipment started. Deegan had a wire with one barb on it. Sal worked on the second barb about an inch from the first. His talented fingers gave the art a three-dimensional look which looked badass on Deegan’s defined muscle.

  My turn and I took Deegan’s spot, shuffling past him and starting when his knee collided with mine as he stood. I muttered sorry, but couldn’t meet his eyes. I wanted to kiss him, or something, but it didn’t seem like the appropriate time or place. Plus, my mom had always stressed the importance of letting the guy lead, like a dance or something.

  I tucked the end of my shirt into the bottom of my bra and hooked my arm over my head. A tattoo in my side had been extremely stupid. The pain would’ve been easier to manage on my shoulder or arm, but my side was the only place besides my swimwear areas that people didn’t see. I couldn’t walk into my house with a tattoo on brazen display, especially at thirteen and fourteen – if ever. My dad would flip and my mom would probably go all gray haired.

  Plus, the circumstances didn’t exactly condone sharing it with the world.

  Sal studied my skin. His gaze didn’t make me uncomfortable like so many guys’ did. He did it without lust or desire in his expression. He simply wanted to make good art. “I’m thinking we don’t need another leaf… I know that’s what you’re planning, but I feel like this one needs more…” He prodded the vine and placed his thumb an inch or so below the single leaf. “If you trust me, I’d like to do something a bit different.”

  Trust was a strong word, but with regards to my tattoo, I must trust him or I wouldn’t let him near me with a grouping of needles intent on poking my skin. “Okay, I’m game.”

  “Right where my finger is, I’m going to do some localized work. Stretch up in a semi-arch like when we did the vine work and hold it. This might take a bit.” He mixed some colors and got wipes ready. After a few minutes, he tapped my side. “Okay, here we go.”

  I clenched my hands and breathed through my nose as the pain started. I’d gone through it before, but a year could accomplish a lot in erasing vivid details in memories.

  An hour later I got my first look at a beautiful poppy bloss
om. The deep dark bluish-purple center blended out to the orangey red petals. No larger than the fingernail of Deegan’s thumb, I couldn’t help but be entranced by the fold and slope of its lines. “Wow, it looks so real.”

  Sal chuckled. “Sometimes I do a decent job.”

  “Decent? It’s beautiful.” And it was. Adding a tattoo for my trophies had been a great idea. I glanced at Deegan from under my lashes. He stared at the flower on my side. Or maybe he stared at my side.

  I wished for the latter, but figured it was more likely the former.

  “We need to talk. Can you walk with me a bit?” I lowered my shirt over the small bandage, wincing at the bruised sensation of holding the same awkward position for so long.

  Deegan’s lashes fluttered and he looked away. “Sure.” He dropped some cash on Sal’s table. “Thanks, cuz, I appreciate it.” Deegan rapped his knuckles on the wall as he followed me out. I offered a small smile to Sal who nodded in return.

  Newly inked, I had matured more that afternoon than I had on my birthday or even the night of Sheldon’s death.

  We stopped beside my bike. I ran my fingers through my loose hair. “Thanks for the flower.”

  “Of course. Together, right?” He leaned with one arm above his head on the wall beside the bike rack. “I don’t think the two crimes will be linked. The techniques and circumstances were too different. We should be in the clear.” The late spring sun already worked on kissing his blond hair lighter in spots. I couldn’t stop staring.

  “I wanted to talk to you about that.” I folded my arms and tilted my head.

  He brushed his bangs from his eyes. “Oh?”

  “Yeah. I was thinking it’d be good to, I don’t know, continue?” I bit my lip and looked down. How was I supposed to propose we find other sickos? He’d never shown anything other than guilt regarding our actions. While I had more complex emotions surrounding the circumstances, I didn’t doubt the sincerity or weight of the feelings he had.