A Sister’s Gift

by Giselle Green

  ‘Bright and beautiful.’ He picks up one of my hands and kisses my fingers, slowly, one by one, and he steals away my voice and all my words. ‘And we all knew it and were always proud of you.’

  ‘Richard, I…’ I look at him desperately, not wanting to say them, those words I can feel about to slip out so easily, after I’ve been holding onto them for, oh, so many years…

  ‘I love you, Richard. I have always loved you.’

  Hollie

  ‘You – encouraged him?’ I draw in a shocked breath. No, that cannot be right. Whatever Chrissie’s feelings on the matter, it can’t be right that she took such an active part in what’s going on today. I look at my mother-in-law through horrified eyes.

  ‘He had real reservations about it all but I could see how the family might gain in the long term. How he might gain. Can you understand that?’

  I stare at her wordlessly for a second.

  ‘What about Sarah and Jay’s baby?’ I mutter stupidly. ‘Surely once you have a grandchild through them, you…’

  ‘I’ll want to be around them, naturally. I know. In so many ways it’s the worst possible time for any of us to be thinking of moving abroad, isn’t it?’

  ‘Who’s thinking of moving abroad?’

  ‘Us!’ She grabs hold of my wrist, shaking it earnestly. ‘Isn’t that what we were just talking about? You two and me and Bill. I’ve just told you, I know about Richard’s hopes and dreams. I’ve just admitted that I’ve been the one to encourage him in them and I hope you’ll forgive me for it. I know all about your opposition to moving to Italy, how it’s pulling you apart.’

  I stare at her, open-mouthed. So that’s it. She’s been talking about the move to Italy all along. Not Richard and Scarlett after all.

  ‘Hah! You don’t know the half of it,’ I tell her, shaking. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. ‘What did Rich tell you?’

  ‘That he loves you to bits and doesn’t want to do anything to hurt you. That the business here is withering away to nothing; that he’s got the chance to make this move now and it might not come again.’

  ‘Ah.’ I don’t know what I feel more keenly at this moment -relief, that she doesn’t know the terrible secret, or disappointment, because I am on my own with it again.

  ‘Help me?’ she says after a bit. She picks up one of the half-unravelled jumpers and positions my hands so she can wind the wool around them more neatly. Once it’s all sorted into skeins I know she’ll wash them and knit them back up into something new. I used to do that with her, too. I cling to the memory because it’s part of what first endeared me to her, I know, what bonded us. She used to laugh, this is an old-fashioned mother-daughter sort of activity, she used to say. You’re the daughter I never had, Hollie. I know that’s how she’s always thought of me too, more than Sarah. Perhaps because I had no mum of my own? So many surrogate mums…

  It’s hard to recall that this was once my passion – making up designer garments and selling them on to boutiques. All a long time ago now. Where did all that go?

  ‘Sometimes I worry that he cares too much,’ she’s saying now. ‘He’s always so keen to please, not to let anyone down. I worry that he’s running the danger of sacrificing something very precious in favour of the more pragmatic.’

  ‘Sacrificing what?’ my hands tauten around the wool.

  ‘His…’ Christine shrugs, struggling with words again. ‘His joy. My older boy has always been the quiet one, the dutiful one, the son who worries too much about looking after his parents when he should be looking forward to his own…’

  ‘His own family?’ I look directly at her as she winds the wool round and round my hands.

  ‘His own life. Hollie, can’t you see it? They’re having to go to such extremes to get the new contracts in this country, whereas abroad he’d have a far better quality of life. I’m not just saying this for my husband’s sake, believe me. I believe it’s what would be best for Richard, and maybe for you, too.’

  The wool she’s winding up right now is bright daisy-yellow; it’s thick and luxurious and soft all at the same time and I close my eyes enjoying the sensuous feel of it around my fingers. It’s been such a long time since I’ve done anything creative. For an instant, a collection of images tumbles through my mind; patterns of flowers weaving in and out of trelliswork on the front panel of a jacket or cardigan. Little bright oxeye daisies, if I could use that deep blue I spotted earlier on; I imagine them dancing round the edge of a toddler’s jumper.

  ‘Darling, won’t you even think about it?’ she implores me now. ‘Come and have a look at the place you’d be living in, in Italy before you close it all down. Didn’t Rich tell me you once had plans to go over there yourself? You must have thought the idea of living in the sun attractive once upon a time?’

  ‘Once,’ I admit. Once upon a time I had an idea that there could be some life beyond the garden gates of Florence Cottage. I’d studied classical art and design at college and it had opened up new worlds. The idea of going abroad had beckoned to me then. I’d started night classes to learn the language. I’d scoured the libraries for books on all the world’s ancient and beautiful cities, trying to decide which one beckoned me the most. Should I spend a year in sprawling Athens or in Venice maybe, surrounded by the knolling of ancient church bells, sketching out my ideas to the wheeling of a thousand pigeons in St Mark’s Square from the shade of an aromatic coffee shop? Or should I head for the mountains, spend a year in Turkey, or maybe in Umbria, high up in the sweet-scented hills or down by the tumbling dark rollers on the coast, walking barefoot over miles of demerera-sugar sands? I feel a flicker of bitter-sweet excitement at the memory.

  ‘I did dream of living abroad in the days when I was still at university.’ I smile sadly at her. When all the cogs and wheels of an ordered life at home still turned beautifully and smoothly, oiled by the careful ministrations of capable Auntie Flo…

  Before the rest of my life happened and I forgot how to dream.

  ‘You could resurrect that dream.’ Chrissie leans in towards me earnestly. ‘You couldn’t live it then, but you don’t have to stay here holding the fort, keeping the home fires burning or whatever it is you think you should be doing. Scarlett’s gone, a grown woman now and a very capable one. You have the undying love of a good man instead. Richard adores you, Hollie. He won’t do anything to hurt you. But consider – no matter what you promised Flo, I’m sure she’d release you from it if she knew what a shackle this place had come to be for you now.’

  I look up at the clock, my heart constricting painfully because it is half past two and there is still no sign of my husband. Or of my sister who is, as Chrissie just pointed out, a grown woman and a very capable one. Capable of keeping my husband by her side far longer than she needed to, if they were simply carrying out the one act?

  ‘It is too late for all that now, Chrissie,’ I tell her in a cracked voice.

  ‘Why, Hollie?’ she begs. ‘Don’t throw it all away, love. You’ve got your whole life before you yet.’

  She’s right, she should be right. But there is Bluebell Hill and there is Scarlett and Richard.

  My eye falls on the disconcerting picture of Rochester Bridge again:…the bridge thrusts forward past the viewer; the rippling light on the water snakes towards the foreground; the platform juts out from the left…

  ‘Too much water under the bridge,’ I murmur softly. I have sacrificed too much and the hour is so much later than she knows. And after today, I have my doubts about whether my darling Richard will still adore me as much as she thinks he does, or whether he will hate me.

  Scarlett

  ‘Scarlett.’ Richard takes in a deep breath, turning now to look at me and choosing his words very carefully. ‘You love me. Of course you do. But not that way. You think that because I’ve been such a fixture in your life since a young age – I’ve been married to Hol for ten years, haven’t I? And no matter what you think you might feel for me now, I belong to he
r. And a woman like you…’ his eyes flicker involuntarily downwards for a fraction of a second, taking in my breasts ‘…someone as smart, beautiful and compassionate as you are, you’ll have no trouble finding a man of your own, believe me. You have a boyfriend out there in Brazil, don’t you? Hollie said that she thought you might do…’

  Why does he bring that up now, pushing me away with it? And why does he have to bring my sister’s name into every sentence he speaks? Hollie said that she thought…Who gives a bloody damn what Hollie said or thought anyway?

  ‘Yes, there is someone,’ I say slowly. ‘I could have him if I wanted to. His name is Guillermo. He’s the one person in all this time I’ve thought that maybe – just maybe – I might be able to make a go of it with. He says he loves me.’ I lower my eyes. ‘I think maybe he does too. He’s not just one of those guys who wants to get your knickers off, anyway.’

  ‘And do you love him?’ Richard asks softly.

  I clench my fists under the bed covers. Right now I only want you.

  ‘Christ, I even went to the Amazon because of you…’ I get out.

  ‘You worked so hard to get that job, Lettie. I haven’t forgotten how desperately you wanted it. And we were so proud when you got it. That was something you really wanted,’ he reminds me. ‘You didn’t go there because of me.’

  ‘I went there because of you,’ I repeat through gritted teeth. ‘I wanted that job so badly because it was the furthest place I could think of to take myself away from you. Because…every day I had to stay living under this roof, watching the cosy little unit that is you and Hollie…it was driving me insane. Because I thought, if I don’t get away from here, I’m scared I might end up trying to seduce you…’ I stop, registering the shock that’s sinking into his face at my words now.

  ‘Don’t say such things, Scarlett. None of that can be true…’

  ‘It is true though. I’ve loved you for years. Why do you think I’ve never found any other man? Why d’you think I haven’t taken things any further with Gui? He even asked me to marry him. But you know what’s held me back? You. The thought of you.’

  ‘Me?’ His voice changes now. Am I imagining it or has his face grown darker? ‘You’ve really wanted me for all these years?’

  ‘You’re the only one who’s ever chased the loneliness away,’ I tell him simply. ‘You know that loneliness you feel when you wake up in the middle of the night and it’s all dark and quiet and it feels like there’s nobody else left in the world? All I ever have to do is think of you and that feeling goes away. Because I know that you’re there. You exist. It’s what’s kept me going all this time, Rich. And having to hide it from you has been the worst hell imaginable…’

  His brows are furrowed, his lips parting as if…as if he’s angry?

  ‘So you say you love me? And your sister – she knows this?’

  ‘Of course not!’ My voice is hoarse. ‘She’d never have suggested we two should be together like this if she had even the first idea…’

  ‘So you had your own reasons for agreeing with her suggestion, did you, Scarlett? You wanted to use me – just like your sister does, in point of fact. Only you want me for sex, and she wants me for a baby?’

  I shake my head in horror. It isn’t like that. It’s never been like that.

  ‘I could have had sex with pretty much any man I’ve ever met, that isn’t the reason why I wanted to be with you, Rich. And don’t look at me like that. Just because I’m not the sweet and innocent young woman you’ve always thought me to be. I’m a grown woman for heaven’s sake!’

  Why is he looking at me like this? As if he wants to slap me.

  ‘What is the reason, then?’ He turns round and climbs back into the bed with me, his breath coming hard and short. ‘Is it because you’re a woman as heartless and single-minded as your sister? Is that why? Is it because when you set your mind on something you want then you have to have it, no matter who else will get hurt by that, and no matter what it costs?’ He’s straddling me now and I can feel him, pressing up close against me, challenging me to deny it. I look up at him in shock. ‘Is that the reason, Scarlett?’

  ‘Hollie isn’t heartless, Richard. She loves you,’ I defend her, despite myself. ‘That’s why she’s doing this, because she loves you. More than all the world.’

  He gives me a long hard look before he answers. ‘Not more than all the world, Scarlett. There’s something else she wants more, isn’t there? And you? What about you?’

  I cannot answer him. My throat has closed up and my voice has deserted me entirely.

  ‘Well?’ he demands. ‘Are you sure you want this? Just say the word. Say the word and I’ll go.’

  I’ve wanted this, haven’t I? I’ve wanted it for such a very long time. I close my eyes, nodding my answer because I am here and he is here with me and I know if I don’t take my chance now it will never come again…

  ‘Well, then,’ he says, and his voice is hurt, distant, and he does not sound like the Richard I know at all. ‘One chance to make Hollie’s baby and one chance for you. I hope you both get what you want.’

  I close my eyes, a sob catching in my throat because he sounds so cold and his hands are so quickly cupping my breasts, no sweet words to precede the act, his knees pushing aside my legs far too roughly. I thought he would be gentle. I always imagined he would be sweet and slow and deliberate just like he is in every other area of life.

  ‘Richard, you can’t…just…’I gasp, raising my head from the pillow as his mouth comes down on mine, full of desire, full of need, just like I always wanted him to be – except there is no love. How could he be like this, Richard, who was always so gentle and loving? I turn my face away from his at last, and it’s wet with tears as he makes to enter me because there is no victory in this. Roughly, too roughly and in too much of a hurry, he is taking his pleasure. Is this what he thought I was urging him to do? Treat me like a whore with no consideration for my feelings at all? I hear the deep animal cries coming from his throat as he thrusts, but his eyes are closed, he does not see me.

  I need him to see me.

  But he does not. He doesn’t care who it is. At this moment it’s just an act of sex for him and that is not what I wanted, it’s never what I wanted from him and I can’t make it be something that it is not. So I just lie there and let him do it because maybe it’s my sister and me who have turned him into this – her with her desperate need and me with mine. Maybe this is what we have done between us. Heartless and single-minded, he called us. The words keep echoing in my head like some terrible mantra that won’t go away but…

  He is right, I know it.

  Immediately afterwards he gets up and goes to the bathroom. I hear the tap running for a while and the splashing of water as if he wants to make sure he has washed every bit of me off him.

  ‘Rich?’ Oh, God, what have I said, what have I done? This feels so wrong. I can feel my heart thudding wildly. All of a sudden I feel scared and guilty. As if I have just taken everything that is good and centered and steady at the core of my life and smashed it to smithereens…

  Eventually he comes and sits back down on the bed again to get dressed. ‘Richard?’ I say softly, stroking his back gently. I want him to say that it’s all right. That he forgives me. I can’t bear for him to be so angry with me. I’m not letting myself even think about what I’ve just done to my sister…

  ‘Will you stay? Please stay.’ I pat the duvet but he shakes his head.

  ‘I won’t stay, Scarlett. And you shouldn’t either. Go back to Brazil, back to Guillermo.’

  Go back to Brazil? I prop myself up onto my elbows, staring at him wordlessly. Now we’ve done it he can’t wait to get rid of me quickly enough. Is it because of what we’ve just done or because of what I confessed to him – that I love him, that I’ve always loved him? The momentary triumph I felt was short-lived, tinged already with so much regret because he was right. Everything’s changed. Now he will never love me or even see
me the same way again.

  ‘What about the baby?’ I whisper.

  ‘This was never about the baby for you, was it, Scarlett? Why ask me now?’ He picks up his shoes and heads for the door. ‘I’ve done my bit. Whatever happens next, you sort it out with your sister. I’m leaving now. Do you want me to call you a cab back to the house? Don’t worry, I won’t be going back there till you’ve left. You needn’t worry about me being there.’

  ‘You want me to go back to Brazil?’ I call out to him. ‘Do you?’

  ‘You should go back to Guillermo.’ Rich’s voice breaks now, the hard glint of anger that has sustained him through the act is subsiding and I catch a glimpse of something – I do not know if it is regret, sadness, or compassion – in his eyes. ‘By the sounds of it he loves you. And that means he can offer you something that I never can.’

  Hollie

  I see I owe you an apology after all.

  I run my finger along the top of the picture of Helen beside my own wedding photo on the wall and my pinkie gathers up the line of dust. For what? For ever imagining it might be easy for you to not follow your heart. For wanting you to stay here with us, no matter what it cost you.

  Oh, I know I’ve always toed the line; I’ve said I understood why it was you felt so compelled to go off travelling, leaving us with Flo. But I didn’t, not really. Richard saw that. I’ve never understood it deep inside. How could you just leave us? How could you have let something be so important in your life that it mattered more than us, your own children, your two little girls?

  I vowed I’d be different to you. I’d be the loyal one, the one who cared enough to stay behind to sacrifice it all for love and now…Oh, but now, I trace the face which looks so much like that of an old-fashioned movie star, so very like my sister’s – now I see I’ve not turned out so different from you after all…

  The legacy you left has caught up with me. Who and what I am. Where I come from. Because I too have followed my dream – my desire – so obsessively that I’ve blocked out all the people in my life who truly love me. I’ve alienated Richard, who’s driven back up to Lincolnshire with Chrissie this morning and who’s warned me not to expect him back here for a while. It’s work, he says, but I know it’s more than that.