by Sumia Sukkar
‘Why did you scare it?’
‘Because it’s fun.’
I am starting to dislike Ali. I love animals and I hate it when people mistreat them. It’s not fun hurting people or animals.
‘Come on let’s play again.’ Ali is circling around me and it’s making me dizzy. I can hear a few gunshots in the distance but I’m not sure if I’m imagining things.
‘Did you hear that?’
‘Yes, but it sounded far away.’
‘We should go in.’
‘Let’s just play one more game, it’s probably no big deal!’
I look around and try to listen out for any more sounds but there’s nothing. Ali starts to count to ten before we start playing hopscotch and I jump on the grid first and he tries to push me away laughing. We play till the sun starts to set. The sky is pink on one side and grey on the other. It looks beautiful but scary. It starts to get chilly so we decide to go in. I had fun today, it’s nice having friends. I wonder if Ali knows where Nabil lives.
‘Yes I do, do you want to go?’
‘Yes!’ I’m excited to see Nabil and tell him how Ali is now my friend.
I can smell food for the first time in ages. I feel so happy, I have a friend and we have food.
There’s suddenly a loud bang on the door like someone is in a rush. I am scared to open it. Yasmine shouts from the kitchen for me to open it. A man out of breath is standing outside the door. I have never seen him before.
‘Tell your family to come to the hospital down the road, Isa is injured!’ He speaks really fast and then runs out and calls some guys and they all rush towards the hospital. I don’t believe what he said. I run to the kitchen and tell Yasmine and she puts her hands on her head and slaps her face. Wasn’t Isa just outside smoking?
‘No, this isn’t happening! Adam run and get me my scarf.’ We run out of the house and down the road quickly. The hospital isn’t far, it’s only a seven-minute walk but we get there in five minutes. Yasmine asks around as soon as we walk in. There are people lying on the ground bleeding and some of them are on beds with doctors tending to them. This is the most blood I have ever seen. Even more than I saw at the neighbours’ house. The smell is just the same though. Everybody is different but they all smell the same when they’re bleeding. I try not to think of the smell because I don’t want to embarrass Yasmine. There are so many sounds and voices. There are people talking and people shouting and people screaming and some moaning. I find Isa’s friend who came to the door and I tell Yasmine it’s him. She picks up her skirt and runs over to him.
‘Where’s Isa? Tell me where he is now!’
The guy just looks to his right and there Isa is. His chest has six bullet holes in it and his legs are bleeding. I can see this upside down. Yasmine runs to him and starts to kiss him. I follow behind her slowly. I still haven’t seen his face. The closer I get the better I feel. I can smell Isa. His hand is on his chest with a bullet shot in it as well. He smiles when he sees me. His eyes are bruised and his lips swollen. I see crows flying around in my head. I don’t want Isa to leave me. I can hear people screaming from two beds down. A doctor comes rushing in and pushes me out of his way quickly.
‘Everybody move please, stand away from here.’ Two nurses follow him in and the doctor takes a metal stick from one of the nurses and starts to put it into Isa’s bullet holes. Isa moans loudly, it sounds like the cry of a donkey. It sounds black.
‘What is he doing Yasmine? What is he doing to Isa?’ I tug at Yasmine’s skirt and she covers my eyes into her chest.
‘They’re helping Isa, just wait Habibi.’ Her voice has completely changed. I can feel the echo of the words in her chest but the voice sounds like the way a sloth would speak. Isa screams louder and one of the nurses pushes us out and closes the door on us.
‘Please save him God, please save him God!’ Yasmine cries.
I hold really tight onto her skirt.
The doctor opens the door and Yasmine jumps up from the floor, I follow her. She peeks her head into the room but I’m not sure if she is able to see anything.
‘May he rest in peace,’ the doctor says. Yasmine starts shaking and screaming so loudly. I don’t know why she is doing this; the doctor said he hopes he rests in peace. Isa should be fine after he rests. Yasmine runs into the room and the door closes on me. I can hear her screaming. I go in and see Isa’s body covered in a white cloth, even his face. I hate it when my face is covered with something; it makes me feel uncomfortable and weak. Yasmine is on her knees by the bed crying and praying. I walk over and move the cloth from Isa’s face so he doesn’t feel uncomfortable as well. Yasmine jumps up and starts shouting at me not to touch him and moves me away. Why is she acting like this? I caught the look on Isa’s face before Yasmine pushed me away; he looked happy to be resting. I can’t wait for him to wake up and read me some of his poetry.
I can feel a cold breeze touch me. Yasmine is on the floor reading some Quran. I guess she is waiting for Isa to wake up.
‘Isa is going to feel uncomfortable with the cloth on his face Yasmine.’
She looks up at me and then continues to read her Quran. I don’t like being in the hospital. People keep coming in covered in blood and crying. There’s a girl in the last bed with her leg cut off and the doctor is putting a huge bandage on it. I’ve been looking at her. She didn’t cry once. Her eyes are closed.
‘Let’s go home now.’ Yasmine gets up and closes the Quran. She kisses the cover and taps it on her forehead.
‘What about Isa?’ Yasmine looks over at Isa and she starts crying again. This time she doesn’t make a sound. She leans and kisses him over the cover. Yasmine takes my hand and we walk out leaving Isa on the bed covered in white. I miss him already.
*
When we get home we see everyone sitting around.
‘What happened? Where is he?’ Khalid jumps up first. Baba looks good again. His eyes seem clear.
‘NO! NO! NO! Don’t give me that look!’ Khalid starts shaking Yasmine for an answer.
‘He’s resting in peace,’ I say.
Khalid falls to the ground and reacts just like Yasmine did. Tariq goes to his room and slams the door behind him. What is happening?
‘Yasmine, what is happening?’
‘Let’s go and sit in my room.’
Baba doesn’t say a single word but I see him cry for the first time. I freeze in place and stare at him.
‘Why is Baba crying Yasmine?’
Yasmine looks back and walks over to Baba. She kisses him on the forehead and hugs him. I can hear her whisper some things to him but I can’t figure out what she is saying.
I feel lonely standing here waiting for Yasmine. I miss Isa already. I want him to come back and watch TV with me. Baba calls me over and tells me to sit on his lap. I sit on the edge of his knees.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes Baba I’m okay. Are you okay?’
‘Everything is in God’s hands. I’m glad God has given me a vision to see with and not just eyes.’
‘What does that mean Baba?’
‘That means that you don’t need eyes to see, you need a vision.’
It sounds like Baba is speaking French. French is the hardest language for me to learn so I don’t understand anything.
‘But Baba we see with our eyes.’
‘You’re right Adam, you’re a clever boy aren’t you!’
‘I am!’
‘Isa isn’t coming back Adam,’ Baba says. Yasmine is still crying. She is sitting on the sofa with her shoulders slouched down.
‘Why Baba?’
‘Because he has gone to mama.’
‘What? No Baba! The doctor said he just needs to rest in peace.’
‘Adam Habibi, Isa isn’t coming back. We are going to say goodbye to him like we did to mama,’ Yasmine says.
‘Why Yasmine? Why did he leave? We were having fun!’ I start crying.
‘I’m sorry Adam. Stay home and be a good bo
y today, I have to arrange his funeral.’
I can’t believe what Yasmine said. I didn’t say goodbye to Isa. My heart starts to pound really fast and I can feel the green dragon whisper in my ear like he always does after I hear bad news.
‘Adam relax, breathe in and out,’ Baba says as he rubs my chest. But I can’t breathe properly. His hand is making it harder for me to breathe in and out. I jump onto the floor and start to feel my eyes swell up and my lips quiver. Khalid gets up from the floor and sits beside me.
‘It’s okay Adam, he’s going to be happy with mama.’
‘He didn’t say bye! I liked playing with him!’ I run to my room and cover myself under the duvet. It’s dark here and my spot starts to feel damp with my tears but I don’t want to go out. I want Isa to come back. Mama said ‘bye’ before she left so I knew she was leaving and got ready for a change. But Isa didn’t say anything before he left. He can’t just go.
Chapter Ten
BLACK
MY HEART IS in my stomach. I think it fell because of how sad I am. It’s like hot tar has spilt over it and drowned it. I’m really hungry. We didn’t eat all day yesterday and my stomach is making angry sounds. It’s trying to eat my fat. I leave my room and run into the kitchen. I spot my reflection in the oven. My hair is scruffy and under my ears and I can see my cheekbones clearly. I don’t recognise myself. Yasmine comes in wearing a black dress and scarf and for the first time since she stopped working, she has red lipstick on.
‘I like your lipstick.’
‘Isa did too.’
‘Where are you going Yasmine?’
‘We are all going to Isa’s funeral, get dressed.’
‘I’m hungry.’
‘Here, have a date, we have nothing to eat.’
‘Didn’t you cook yesterday?’
‘Yes but it burnt when we left running.’
I eat the date and get ready. My eyes and lips feel heavy. I put my trousers on but they slide down. They’re too big. I call out for Yasmine loudly and she comes into my room. Her eyes are black.
‘My trousers are too big.’
‘Wear a belt Adam.’
I didn’t think of that. I wear a belt and a jumper that looks like it doesn’t belong to me and leave my room.
Everyone in the sitting room is dressed in black but me. Did they discuss what to wear?
‘You have to wear black,’ Ali comes and whispers in my ear.
‘Why?’ No one told me I have to wear black.
‘Because that’s what people wear to funerals.’
‘I don’t have anything black.’
Yasmine huffs and tells me to just walk on. I forgot something in my room so I run in and bring the painting I’m going to put with Isa. It was his favourite.
We all leave and find four men standing outside with a body wrapped in the Syrian flag on two wooden sticks. They pick the wooden sticks up and start walking.
‘Who is that Yasmine?’
‘It’s Isa Adam. Stop asking me stupid questions.’
‘Isa was in the hospital, how did he get here?’
Yasmine doesn’t answer my question, she just starts walking on behind the four guys and crying. Everybody starts to chant ‘There is no God but Allah and the Prophet Muhammad PBUH is his messenger’. The men carrying Isa started chanting and then the whole family joined in. We walk past the hospital and down the main road to where we said goodbye to mama. People on the streets start joining in and chanting with us. I don’t even think they know Isa. I hear a guy saying ‘see you in heaven dear martyr’ to Isa. I start chanting along with them and holding on to Yasmine’s dress. She’s still crying. By the time we get to the cemetery we have a huge crowd behind us. The four men put Isa down and turn around to face the crowd.
‘Everyone now please read Surat Al-Fatiha on the martyr’s soul.’ Everyone goes quiet and raises their hands up and starts whispering to themselves. I can’t count how many people there are. I started counting them but couldn’t see far enough. I need to step on something to be able to see. They finish reading and wipe their hands on their faces. The four men carry Isa again and walk through the cemetery to an empty box of soil where they put him. Mama is on his right. My tears hurt as they come down my face. I miss Isa and want him to come back. I tighten my grip on the painting I brought with me. They cover him with soil and Yasmine falls to the ground. She digs her hands into the soil and starts screaming and crying loudly. Khalid leans down and whispers something to her. I tap Tariq’s shoulder and tell him I want to put my painting on Isa. He asks me what’s in it and I show him a picture of a tank with three people squashed under it and the prayer verse I wrote over it.
‘You can’t do that Adam.’
‘Why? It was Isa’s favourite painting.’
‘Did you draw it?’
‘Yes I did.’
‘Okay then, let’s go together.’
Tariq holds my hand and takes me closer. I look back and people start to leave. I put the painting down and in my heart I tell Isa to say ‘hi’ to mama. Yasmine gets up and puts the side of her scarf over her face and wipes her tears. Everyone is crying, even Ali. I wonder if his family are still in their house. He never mentions them. Yasmine puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes it hard. We start to walk away and Baba’s walking stick sinks into the soil and he nearly falls down. Everyone is purple today. We walk away slowly because Baba can’t walk fast. People put their hands out and Tariq shakes them and thanks them for praying for Isa. I hear a group of people shouting and running really loudly coming closer to us. I look at Yasmine and before I am able to look back I hear a string of gunshots being shot and see bullets in the air hitting people. Five people fall in front of us screaming. Yasmine pushes me down quickly and pushes my head onto the ground. I get soil in my nose and I can’t breathe. I wriggle my head but Yasmine pushes me down harder. I can just hear gunshots but I don’t know how close they are or if I am going to get shot. I can hear men shouting ‘Assad is our master!’ If they’re with the president, why are they killing people from his country?
After 70 times of me repeating a prayer for God to help us, the shooting stops and the angry men’s voices disappear. Yasmine lets go of my head and I jump up and breathe. I have soil up my nose and in my mouth. If it wasn’t for the prayer I would have felt claustrophobic. We came for a funeral and ended up in bloodshed in the cemetery. Faces I recognise from the march up here are now on the ground with blood all around them. One of Isa’s friends that held up his body has his mouth wide open and blood is still flowing out of it. It’s bright red and fresh. I look away quickly before I imagine things and have nightmares. Yasmine tiptoes around the cemetery and I follow her steps.
‘Khalid you’re bleeding!’ Tariq shouts from behind us and comes running down. Khalid and his yellow shirt now looks brown from the side where his kidney is. I think that’s where his kidney is. He looks down and touches it and I can see blood on his fingers. I don’t know if it hurts him because he is walking normally and isn’t screaming. I’m never going to cry again from a scratch or if I hit my toe on the coffee table.
‘I’m fine, I’ll put coffee on it when we get home.’
Why would he put coffee on it? I don’t think he heard clearly that he’s bleeding.
‘Khalid you’re bleeding because you got shot, so you need to go to the hospital!’
‘Don’t worry Adam, coffee works, I’m not grieving over a bullet when Isa took eight.’
I don’t know what to say so I walk on and think of Isa’s face. I put him beside mama in my mind. I have folders in my mind and now mama and Isa are in the closed ones. I lock them so that I don’t think of them a lot and feel black spread over my heart. I’ll unlock them only when I think of good things.
The call to prayer goes on as I put Isa in his new folder. It’s the only thing that doesn’t change so I smile when I hear it.
Yasmine pinches me on my shoulder.
‘Why Yasmine?’
‘You’re not meant to smile after a funeral.’
‘But the Adhan came on Yasmine, that means the sheikh is still alive and it didn’t change’. I skip away so she doesn’t have to say anything about me smiling. I like smiling. Mama once told me that a smile is charity and God said that charity puts out the fire of his anger. I don’t know how God gets angry because mama said he’s different from everything and anybody and that I shouldn’t think much about it but I know that he’s angry now because there’s a war. I hope I didn’t do anything to make him angry.
I used to like it when Baba took me with him to the mosque and I watched all the men pray and everybody used to go up and down at exactly the same time like it was rehearsed. I try to pray sometimes but Baba said I don’t have to because I’m still young. When I pray I lose track quickly so I think that’s why. I start reading a surah from the Quran and then I stop and think of washing my face because it feels itchy. I like just following everyone when they pray instead of praying alone.
‘I want to pray in the mosque,’ Baba says. His voice is really quiet now. After he shouted at Yasmine and he thought she was mama, he has been using his support stick more often and his voice is lower.
‘Are you sure you can stand Baba?’ Khalid asks.
‘I’m still young, young man, I can stand more than you!’
Khalid laughs and tells Yasmine they are going to pray.
‘Okay, I’ll go and get candles for the house, meet you at home. Adam you go with the boys.’
‘I want to go with you Yasmine…’
‘I’m just going to get candles, go pray.’
‘Please Yasmine, I’m scared.’
Yasmine’s eyeballs go around in a circle. I don’t know how she does that, I tried many times.
‘Okay, I don’t want to hear a word on the way then.’
Yasmine is being mean to me but I don’t want to leave her so I walk behind her and count the houses that have balconies on them.
‘Wait outside the shop, I won’t be long.’
‘Why can’t I come in Yasmine?’