by Sumia Sukkar
‘I told you I don’t want to hear any questions.’
‘Can I buy some food?’
‘What would you like?’
‘Can you buy me a packet of crisps?’
‘It won’t fill you up Adam.’
‘But they’re yummy and you used to always put them in my lunch box.’
‘Okay just wait here.’
Yasmine goes in and I turn around in circles and then stop and laugh at how everything looks funny upside down. It’s so fun doing this. I keep turning around and stopping. I see three guys walking down the street carrying big guns on their shoulders. I see them upside down now because I feel dizzy. It looks like they’re walking on their hands. I close my eyes really tightly so I stop feeling dizzy.
Yasmine comes out and I hide behind her quickly because the men are getting closer and their laughter sounds like a pig moaning. It’s scary and I don’t like how they look. They’re all bald and big and they are stomping their feet like they want to kill all the ants on the ground.
‘Come here young boy!’ they shout. Yasmine holds my hand behind her. I think they are talking to me. No one else is around. The shopkeeper comes out and they shout at him to go in and threaten to kill him. I’m so scared. My heart is beating so fast I might vomit it out.
‘Did you not hear me Ya Kalb? Come here!’
I don’t like people swearing but they do and continue to laugh. I can feel Yasmine’s colour change and she is slowly moving me back trying to get away. I just want to get out of this and go home.
One of the guys takes his long gun down from his shoulder and leans his hand on it.
Yasmine pulls a gun out and points it at the men. Her hands are shaking and the gun jumps up and down. She looks scared. Her whole arm is shaking but her face looks like she is ready to punch someone. She yells for them to back away and the men start laughing at her.
‘I’ll shoot. I will.’ Even her voice is shaking.
The man with the rifle makes fun of Yasmine before pushing the gun away and hitting her in the stomach with the back of the rifle. She crouches in pain.
‘I see we have a stubborn one here guys, eh?’
The other two laugh and come closer and stand one on either side of us.
‘Master, do you want us to take action?’
‘Bring the girl.’
The two big guys lift Yasmine up and she tries to fight her way out. I hold onto her skirt tighter and cry. She is shouting and screaming for help. One of the guys pushes me hard onto the ground and spits at me. I can smell his green breath on my face.
‘Yasmine, don’t go!’
‘Adam go home!’
‘Yasmine where are they going to take you?’
‘We’re taking her to her new home!’
The biggest guy turns around and laughs at me.
‘What can you do little boy?’
I don’t know what to say, I keep running after them and trying to pull Yasmine down from their arms but she doesn’t even move. They have strong arms. Yasmine is crying and screaming. I don’t know what to do.
‘Yasmine, please don’t go!’
‘Adam, go home, I’ll come back.’ She has brown tears coming down her face. It looks like she has patches of dirt and dry skin. She doesn’t look like my Yasmine. Before I get to say anything else one of the guys picks his gun up and pushes the end of it into my forehead. I feel my head vibrate. I want to say something but my throat isn’t letting me. I put my hands on my head to stop the spinning. I feel a wet liquid on my temple. I pull my hand down and see blood. I can see the word blood scattered around in my mind and it keeps on multiplying. It keeps getting darker and darker the more it multiplies. I don’t think I can hold on any longer.
*
My head is pounding like I have a radio in my skull. It’s silent music though because I can’t hear anything. I open my eyes for a split second and close them again because it burnt the moment I opened them. There is a bright light shining right into my eyes. I can remember what happened last but I don’t know where I am now. They took Yasmine away, why Yasmine? I start crying but I still don’t open my eyes.
‘Open your eyes, you’re safe.’
The voice doesn’t sound familiar but I can feel a soothing smell coming out of his mouth so I open my eyes. I don’t recognise the man looking down at me. I lift my head up and feel every muscle in my body react. I look around and notice I’m in a shop. I’m really hungry but I have no money. The shop looks half empty. The shelves are dusty from what I can see from here and there aren’t as many things as there used to be. I spot the crisps that I told Yasmine to get me. I wonder where she is. I don’t want to imagine anything bad happening to her so I hope she will come back. I want to go home. I want to be in my room. Yasmine said she’d come back so I know she will. She can’t just go and not come back.
‘Do you know where you live?’
‘Yes.’
I get up and touch my head where it was bleeding. I feel a cotton cushion on it.
‘Go home young boy. God be with your family.’
I walk out and look both ways in case I see any men. I don’t see anyone and I run home and count how many steps I’m taking. I can feel the blood on my forehead coming down my face but I run 52 steps until I get to the door and bang really hard.
Khalid opens the door really quickly.
‘Oh thank God! There you are, what happened to your head? Where’s Yasmine?’
I start crying and trying to explain what happened but whenever I start I feel too scared.
Chapter Eleven
INDIGO YASMINE
‘ADAM RUN, RUN! Don’t let them take you!’ I try to shout but the words get stuck in my throat. I jump away from their grip but they hold me tighter. My arms are burning. ‘Curse you people…curse you…you killed my brother and ruined our lives…. CURSE YOU!’ I have a war going on in my mind, feelings of fear, hatred and sorrow thrown into conflict with one another. What did we do for this to be our fate? Adam can you read my eyes? Adam look at me! Don’t give up now, stay strong! I know I’m talking to myself as he falls to the ground but I still try to reach out for him. The man raises his rifle and slams it against my head too…my sight is suddenly a blur… Adam…
I finally come to, dazed from the rifle blow. I look around only to find myself in a dark building. There is no light or entrance, only an overwhelming stench of urine. They look disgusting so of course they live in a disgusting place. They open the apartment door and throw me inside against the wall. I hold my tears in and pretend I’m not hurt. My back is aching and begging me to scratch it but I close my eyes and pray to God to help me. ‘I need to get out of here… I don’t want to be here… what do I do? Stay strong Yasmine, stay strong…’ I tear up as I whisper these words to myself, hoping to find refuge in the hopes of escaping and being with my family again. The three men approach me and I learn that the master has no name but master. Those other two dogs must be slaves to a bastard. None of these men have dignity, they’re just trash. I wonder how they’ve been brought up. They’re disgusting. If only I can show them how much I despise them. The master kneels down and comes close to my face.
‘What’s your name beautiful?’ His eyes are the clearest green I have ever seen on his dark skin colour. How can such beauty be enveloped in evil? I want to spit on his face and show him what I am made of. I wish Wisam was here to help me, he would protect me from these bastards.
‘I see you like to play tough!’ He yanks my scarf off with the force of a shameless man and starts to caress my hair. I shiver from disgust. If only he was a little closer. I struggle to kick him but find myself unable to do anything to resist. He laughs in my face and I can smell his rank breath. He must have had eggs for breakfast. I wish I could find eggs to buy for Adam. I hope he copes without me. God be with him please. I have to look after him till my dying breath, I promised mama.
‘You like me caressing your hair do you? Did you see that boys? She shivered from my touch. I think we
have a gem here.’
The other two men laugh and come closer and blow me kisses.
‘Do we get a turn?’
‘When I’m done with her, make yourself useful and go get me my tea.’
One of them goes running to make him tea like a spineless coward and the other stands in place until he is given an order. I want to cry so badly, my tears are welling up but I’m closing my eyes really tight and thinking of Wisam to cheer me up and give me strength.
‘Open your eyes pretty girl, don’t be scared.’
I keep my eyes shut.
‘I said open your eyes!’
He shouts and his saliva lands on my face. I wish I had the strength I need right now. I open my eyes and look down.
‘Go fetch a cold bucket of water!’
I am so scared God, I don’t want to die. God please be with me. Please God protect me. A tear falls down my face as I plead with everything in me.
The two men come back and stand side by side waiting for more orders. The master gets up and sits on a chair and drinks his tea. I start to shiver in fear. Now that he has moved away from me all my feelings come tumbling down like a waterfall. I swear at myself in my head to stop the shivering and tears but I can’t control anything. I have lost control. I am scared and feel bile rising in my throat. Control yourself Yasmine! They’re nothing but animals!
I look up to see the men staring down at me, not saying a word. Now they know I’m scared. I gave them the best of me. If only all the poetry and stories I have read could help me now. My favourite line ‘Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black and the dark street winds and bends’ fills my mind. I am filled with both guilt and fear at the mercy of three men. I want to leave this place where black smoke blows into my heart. God, I can only turn to you for help. God please, if you save me now, I will be a loyal worshipper of yours and never turn a deaf ear to your words.
The only thing I’m glad about is that they took me and not Adam. I hope Adam is okay. As I start to think of his face I start to feel sick. I can’t control myself any more and I break down and show my kidnapper’s my life’s fears and guilts.
‘She’s not so tough after all, eh? Bring the handcuffs and cuff her.’
My head is spinning and I can hardly see in front of me but I can hear clearly. I hope I did not really hear what I thought. I hope I’m going crazy.
I close my eyes in the hope of stopping the spinning in my head but it gets worse and I can see a tunnel with an elephant blocking the light. I don’t know what happened next.
*
I wake up to the splash of the coldest water on my bare body. I open my eyes and look around but my vision is covered in black dots. I try to concentrate ahead of me till I am able to see beyond the black dots. As my vision starts to get a little clearer I am surprised by another splash of freezing water and this time I choke on some. I try to cough it out but some water goes down the wrong pipe and I start saying my final prayers. I thought this was the end of my torture but I was able to cough all the water out painfully. My arms are tied up from the ceiling. I can’t reach the ground. I am hanging on a wall naked and crying. I never thought this could ever happen. I haven’t ever had time to look at my own body and now these three men see more than I have ever seen in my lifetime. I can clearly see the smirks on their faces as I choke and cry from pain. As soon as I lift my head up and look the master in the eye the A/C is blasted on full and I feel my skin shrivel up trying to find warmth. My whole body tries to reject this brutality and I try to imagine the warmth of my bed in order to block out what is happening. I don’t know how long I have been out of it or how long I have been here. It feels like forever. I have always been around my family, always looking out for them, now I’m estranged from the only people I have ever known my whole life.
‘Are you enjoying this?’ one of the men whispers. He walks closer and in his hand is a long fishing rod. I have always wanted to go fishing and be able to figure out how to use a fishing rod. I just never thought this might be the only way I can. He twists the top, clutches the fish hook and licks it.
‘You’re going to like this one Rose, yes, that’s your new name.’
I close my eyes from the fear. I don’t know what he can possibly do to me with the fishing rod but make me scream from pain. Please God save me.
He comes closer and licks my belly button. I am on display. I start to repeat my prayers in my mind hoping I won’t feel any pain. Only I do. I have never screamed this loud. I have never even thought my voice box could reach this high. He hooks the fish hook into my belly button and I look down to a river of blood pouring down to my knees. I scream and shout for the help of God with all my strength.
‘Shut up! No one is going to save you!’
I continue to shout for God’s help and I can feel the hook push and pierce its way through my flesh.
‘Shut up!’ The master gets up and stands on a chair to slap me to silence.
I shout out God’s name louder. I know he will save me. Curse these animals! As the hatred in me rises and my faith in God takes over my heart I stop screaming for a split second, sure that I couldn’t feel any pain. But the other man hits me and all the pain comes flooding back. I have never known there was such pain.
‘Stop!’
The master puts his hand up and both men freeze in their place.
‘Prepare my bed!’
The master places his hand on my thigh. It seems like my tears are going to be my only companion. Forgive me God. I can’t fight back any more. I hang limp looking up and blocking out all that I can. I thought I had mastered the art of blocking out the present but I look down and see that I am alone in the room. I start crying loudly thinking that it’s over. I look around and remember that I am still hanging and can feel the muscles in my arms stretching. I have a feeling that this is just the beginning. I’m sorry I left you alone Adam, I’ll be back soon I promise. I know you’re a big boy and can cope alone, I trust in you.
I see a shadow and then one of the followers walks in with a dog bowl. He puts it down and unties me without a word. He pulls me up from the ground as I slam down. He drags me into a tiny room and slides the dog bowl in and locks me in. I see a curled up lump in the corner. I stare but it doesn’t move. I move back into a corner quickly. The other person is naked too and I can see their ribcage on their back. I don’t know if it’s a man or a woman. I look down at the bowl and see a small piece of bread with mould all over it and a bit of water. I thank God for the food. My stomach starts rumbling loudly. I try to push in my stomach for the noise to go away. I don’t want to wake the other person up. I can feel the cold coming in from the cracks on the wall. It’s freezing. I soak the hard bread in the water and eat. My tears add some flavour to the water. I curl into a corner and slowly bite on the last bit of bread and try not to cry loudly. I miss my family. I’m sorry Adam, I’m sorry I was horrible to you. I just wanted you to learn to be independent. I guess I used the wrong method. I’m sorry Habibi. I don’t know what time it is but I hope you’re eating and sleeping well. I love you. I close my eyes and pray for Isa and hope he is with mama.
It feels like I just closed my eyes for five minutes when a huge bucket of cold water is poured on me. I gasp for air through the never-ending flow of liquid. I feel one of the men’s nails dig into my shoulder pulling me up. I haven’t opened my eyes enough to see who it is but nothing matters at this point. I can’t imagine what is going to happen today. In the main room, the master is lying down on a few cushions and smoking his shisha like all this is normal. He points a finger at me and gestures at me to walk to him. I don’t move. I can’t move. I am pushed roughly to him and fall to my knees in front of him. I try to stumble up but he holds my arm down.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’
He blows his smoke in my face. ‘Sit here beautiful,’ he says. I look him in the eye and hope he can feel the disgust and hatred I have towards him. I sit down afraid of yet another vicious h
andling by his men.
‘That’s a good girl,’ he says as he tilts his head up at the two men gesturing for them to leave. I have no fondness towards their abuse but I pray they don’t leave me alone with him. They walk out and lock the door behind them with a key. My heart sinks to my feet. I can’t move from how heavy my heart feels.
He hands the shisha to me and asks me to smoke it. I reluctantly take it in my hand and smoke it. He laughs as I choke my lungs out. He tells me to continue smoking as he gets up. I don’t know what is going to happen. His face speaks of past monstrosities. I wouldn’t put it past this guy to kill me. I can’t afford to think of death, I need to concentrate on surviving and escaping. I wonder how long the person with me in the cell has been there for. Have they given up hope? I still haven’t seen their face.
He comes back with a rope tied around his arm. I gulp the smoke as soon as he comes in and choke again. My eyes water but I can still see the smirk on his face.
‘Please let me go!’ I didn’t expect myself to beg him or even say a word to him but my mouth uttered those words. As soon as I said them I could see his face glow. I need to keep my mouth shut. He yanks the shisha pipe from my hand and hands me the rope.
‘Show me what you can do with it.’
I don’t know what he means by that but I take the rope and extend it on the ground hoping that he’ll let me go.
‘You idiot!’ He crawls to me and ties the rope around my hands and feet and ties them both together. I lie down on my belly, my arms and legs tied back. I am trying to hold my pain and tears in. I can’t afford to show him another moment of weakness. He unbuckles his belt and I close my eyes and pray to God to help me. Please God help me. I have no one but you.
‘Don’t touch me you bastard!’
He laughs and pulls his trousers down. Forgive me God, forgive me Baba, forgive me Adam, I couldn’t fight back. My crying gets heavier but that doesn’t stop a cheap bastard like him.
Midway through his torture he calls in his men to come and have a go, and they all laugh. They won’t get away with this. God delays but never forgets.
