by Sumia Sukkar
*
I remember closing my eyes really tight to a dizzying extent then feeling the weight of blacking out and thanking God the pain would stop. I look down and find cuts on my body I didn’t notice before. I’m glad I didn’t feel anything, I don’t want to know what happened. I am back in the cell. I turn and stare at the other person still curled up. I am starting to doubt their existence. Am I imagining someone or are they dead? I move towards them slowly trying not to trigger pain in my body. As I get closer I can smell a strange smell, almost like urine but stronger and more concentrated. I poke their shoulder hoping to get a response. They lift their head up and turn around. I jump back and put my hand on my mouth before a scream comes out. I have never seen so many scars on someone’s face. I notice it’s a woman because of her chest but nothing on her face tells me of her gender. Her eyebrows have been shaved off and her upper lip is split. I ask God for forgiveness for being scared. I wonder how much worse she must have suffered. She smiles slightly and puts my heart at ease. I tell her my name and she whispers her name back. I don’t know if I hear right but I continue the conversation.
‘How long have you been here for?’
‘Too long.’
I can’t believe this. She has been locked in here for so long and nobody has found out about these bastards.
‘Have you tried to escape?’
‘Twice, that’s why I look like this.’
I cringe and sit beside her. We don’t say anything but I’m glad I have someone with me. I think about Adam and Baba and hope they’re doing okay. Baba has been losing himself lately and he needed me by him too. I need to go back to look after my family. I can’t sit here for months on end. I don’t know how long I’ve been here but I’m hoping it hasn’t been that long and that they’re out there still looking for me.
I wake up in desperate need of a pee and run to the door and bang and shout. No one is coming or responding. It sounds like a dead place. I would have thought they would be guarding the cell. Maybe escaping isn’t that hard after all. I don’t know why the other woman kept on getting caught. I can’t hold myself anymore and feel the warmth spread down my legs. It’s the warmest I have felt for a while. The smell rises and I feel the embarrassment of what I have done sink in. It’s disgusting but I have no choice. I wish I had some clothes to put on. I have been bare for too long. I look back at where I fell asleep by the woman and notice she went back to her former position. I think she sleeps all day. I look around the cell and try to find some way to escape. I can see a ray of light squeezing through a brick in the wall in front of me. I walk and try to see if I can reach it. I can’t. I am sure the brick is loose and I can pull it out. Maybe we can get some help. I put my ear against the wall and strain my hearing for a hint of life.
I hear the door open and jump up. It’s not my door though. I can hear more than three men. I can faintly hear a woman but I can’t really tell. As they get closer I hear the whimpers of a woman trying to fight them. I think they covered her mouth because a few minutes later she starts to swear at them and make a scene. I guess this is a regular thing for them to do. I wonder if they have other cells with other women or if she’s going to end up with us. We can all try to escape.
I wonder what’s going on. Do they have the same routine with every woman?
I shake the other woman to wake up quickly. She mumbles and weakly shoves my hand away.
‘Shh, wake up.’
‘What?’
‘How long did they torture you for before they left you?’
‘I can’t remember, leave me alone.’
‘Try to remember, please!’
‘I don’t know how long it lasted, but when they got another woman they left me.’
For a moment I feel a happiness I didn’t know it was possible in my current position. Will they really let me be? I can plan an escape quicker.
‘How did you try escaping?’
‘Keep me out of this, I’ve had my fair share and paid the price!’
‘Just tell me, did you notice that loose brick up there?’ I point and search her face for a reaction. Not even her eyes widen to the idea, she just shakes her head and curls up to go back to sleep.
I have a good feeling about this escape. I need to get out of here soon and go back home.
Just when I thought my time was over the door opens and I am pulled out by my hair. I scream and fight but nothing changes. I am thrown in front of the master watching TV as I look around for signs of the girl. Nothing.
‘Bring it!’
I look back at what the master gestured at and see a shaver. I shiver and fall to the ground in fear.
‘Please just leave me alone.’
He laughs and plugs the shaver in. I don’t know what is going to happen but I am not ready to face any more pain. I jump up and try to run past the two guys standing behind me. I didn’t know they were so close to me. I try to bite one of them and scream for help but instead I am pushed to the ground.
The master grabs my hair and starts to shave me. I wriggle and try to shout but the taste of blood in my mouth stops me. I can’t stand the taste or smell.
‘That’s a good girl,’ the master says and slaps my bare head. I can hear the impact of the slap but I don’t feel anything. I now have no warmth in my body. My only warmth at night is now gone.
‘From now on this is your house, you’re going to live in that cell and I’m going to watch you starve and die! I am going to get rid of all of you slowly and painfully!’
Please God save me. My tears hot and powerful come flooding down and I let myself go and crumple to the floor. Please God take me back to my family.
I am grabbed by my leg and for the first time I look around me and notice pictures of beaten up men on the wall and drawings linking them together. There are scribbles on the wall that I can’t read because they’re too small. I notice the face of one of the men who used to work at the butcher’s there. There’s a normal picture of him next to the one I first noticed with his eyes closed and a slit on his throat. He has bruises all over his face. That’s where he went. When I went to buy meat I asked for him because he used to always serve me and they said he was travelling. Everything is starting to make sense now in this country. No one ever travels; we are all stuck here but eventually ‘travelling’ because of the war. If only there was an escape. I wonder sometimes, if the leaders thought the way us normal people did, would all this be happening? Or do minds change the moment they lead?
The two men have their way with me again in their room and I lie there limp trying to block everything out. Please God save me. After they are all bored of me they throw me in the cell and I lie my head on the rock and imagine it’s my mother’s lap and start to tell her everything in my heart. She’s the only one who understands. Don’t you mama? I lie in mama’s arms and sleep while speaking to her.
I wake up to the sound of a woman’s scream from outside the door. I run to the door and try to look through the crack at the bottom. I can see bare feet moving on the ground. There goes another woman. When are we going to get saved? Are we really going to die here? No, No! We can’t! I know God will save us.
The girl’s scream pierces my ears. I hope she is loud enough for others to hear and come for us. Keep screaming. We can do it. In front of them I want the floor to open up and swallow me from fear but now I am filled with anger and hatred, enough to fill a country with. If only I had taken the karate lessons Wisam said I would need one day. I hope he is okay. Is he alive? It’s funny how things change from I hope he is doing well to hoping he is alive. Even though I couldn’t see myself with him any time before Adam grows up I still prayed he would wait for me and not find another woman. I hope it wasn’t selfish of me. I hope that’s not why I am being punished now. I simply love him and want him to myself. Circumstances don’t help though. I thought I was done crying over him because nothing can be changed, but I keep crying for everything happening.
Chapter Twelve
> BROWN
‘YASMINE! YASMINE!’ I wake up in a hurry and run around looking for Yasmine. I can’t remember when I last spoke to her. I had a dream she wasn’t home when I called her name. I run around the house but I can’t smell her. I knock on her door three times and then walk in. Her bed is neat and done. Her aura isn’t in the room. Where’s Yasmine? I walk out and see Khalid walking into the house. I run to him and grab onto his shirt. My mind is spinning with questions about Yasmine but nothing is coming out.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Where’s… where’s…’
‘Yasmine?’
‘Yes!…Yes!’
‘She’ll be back soon, just don’t think about it.’
‘Khalid I miss Yasmine.’
‘I do too.’ He leans down onto his knees and smiles at me.
‘I have a feeling she’ll come back soon.’
‘Where did she go?’
‘Do you not remember?’
‘I remember men took her, but I don’t know where.’
‘Do you remember how those men looked?’
‘Khalid they were big.’
‘Do you remember anything else?’
‘They didn’t have hair and they had a green smell coming out of them.’
‘If only I can find and kill those bastards,’ Khalid whispers but I can hear him clearly.
We are not allowed to use bad words at home. I don’t know what the word he said means but I know it’s bad because he had black ink coming out of his mouth when he said it.
‘Khalid I’m cold.’
‘Come, we’ll figure something out.’
I follow Khalid to the kitchen and we check for water but there isn’t any. He opens the fridge and finds a bowl of water. I think Yasmine put it there before she left.
‘Go get me coal Adam from that drawer and get me the lighter from on top of the stove and follow me to the sitting room.’
I quickly get the things he needs and walk slowly after him. I think he’s trying not to spill the water. We go to the fireplace and I watch Khalid use matches and lighters to light up the wood. After many attempts and the strong smell of burned out flames, he manages to light up the fireplace. Isa used to be able to do so quickly. I hope he told mama how much I miss her and they’re having fun together. I want to have fun with them. I miss them. The house is empty without Yasmine and Isa. I don’t know what to do. They’ve been gone for so long.
Khalid spills the water into the pot Isa left by the fireplace before he left us. The fire is keeping me warm and we can at last have some water to drink.
‘I know a trick.’
‘What is it Khalid?’
‘We can boil books with leather covers, it has good nutrients.’
‘Yes, but I love all my books.’
‘Shall we get Isa’s?’
I don’t know what to say; even though Isa is not coming back I don’t want to ruin his books. He loved them so much and I loved listening to him reading his poetry.
‘Come on, what do you think?’
‘Okay, but can I pick the books?’
I run to Isa’s room and enter it for the first time. Isa never liked anyone entering his room. It’s like a different world. There are books on the wall, on the bed, on the floor, on the desk, in the cupboard, on the windowsill. It’s like a book wonderland. It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I don’t know where to begin so I start picking the books from the floor. I open one of them and find a poem that Isa once read to me and I loved but never knew which one it was. Now I know it is by Mahmoud Darwish, it starts ‘O Homeland! O eagle.’
‘Why are you crying?’ Khalid asks and I look up and realise my face is wet. I didn’t know I was crying. I was concentrating on how the poem made me feel. I wish Isa was here to explain things to me.
‘Did you find books we can boil?’
‘Not this one!’ I shout at Khalid.
‘No need to shout Adam, come on pick a few books.’
I don’t know why I suddenly feel different and I don’t want to burn any of Isa’s books but I have to because I told Khalid I would choose some. I pick three from the floor that I’ve heard Isa read out of before and smell like real leather and give them to Khalid. We put them in the pot and I watch the ink spread into the water. We are going to eat Isa’s favourite books.
‘What if we hiccup poetry Khalid?’
Khalid laughs and looks at me without answering.
‘Oh you’re serious?’
‘Yes Khalid.’ I don’t understand why he would ask me that. Why would I ask him if I wasn’t serious?
‘That won’t happen Adam, don’t worry.’
‘How do you know?’
‘It’s just one of those things you know.’
‘What does that mean?’ Khalid is confusing me; I don’t understand what he is trying to say.
‘Sorry Adam I can’t explain what I mean’. I like Khalid but I’m not used to talking to him and I don’t understand him. I wish Yasmine would come back soon. I haven’t been counting the days because my brain hurts whenever I try to think about it but I know it’s been long because her smell isn’t in the house and I miss her. Maybe if I close my eyes and try to send her a message through the air she will get it.
‘I’m pregnant!’ Amira comes running into the sitting room laughing.
‘How did that happen?’ Khalid jumps up.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Your husband died.’
‘No he didn’t! I was just with him!’
I don’t know why Amira is lying, she keeps her hand on her stomach and repeats her last sentence.
‘Come sit down Amira.’ Khalid walks up to her and pushes her to the sofa.
‘Do you think I’m pretty?’
‘Yes I do.’
She smiles and her yellow smile becomes pink.
‘I’m going to call my baby Khalid.’
‘Why don’t you call him Adam?’ I ask. Mama said she was going to call me Haitham but she felt Adam fitted me better. I think so too. I can never imagine my name being anything else.
‘Khalid looks like my baby.’
I don’t know why Amira keeps on saying weird things that don’t make sense. She hasn’t even seen her baby, how does she know it looks like Khalid? I look back at the boiling pot and now it looks like ink. Are we really going to drink ink?
Khalid goes to the kitchen and comes back with three bowls and pours the ink in it. I haven’t seen Baba and Ali for a few days and the moment I think about them I see Baba come into the sitting room. I don’t think it’s been that long since Baba has come out of his room but he looks very different. His jaw is long and looks like he has a sad face on it. He has more wrinkles than I last counted. I used to look at Baba and count his wrinkles because they looked weird on faces. How do wrinkles grow? It’s like people grow extra skin on their faces. I hope I don’t get wrinkles when I grow up. Baba’s wrinkles are too many for me to count now. He has some on his cheeks, eyes, forehead, chin and neck. It’s too much for me to count.
‘Maha!’
We all look back at Baba and I can feel spiders crawling in my heart. My heart has been getting darker every day because I’m never happy any more.
‘Where’s Maha?’
‘Baba are you hungry?’ Khalid asks.
‘I asked you where’s Maha?’
None of us answer. I don’t know what to say. I look around and Amira is still whispering to her stomach and Khalid’s eyes are looking down. I think he is scared.
‘Get me food then.’
Khalid jumps up and gives Baba his bowl.
‘I asked for food not a blue drink, do I look like a kid to you?’
‘We don’t have food Baba.’
‘Why? Do I not work hard enough to feed you?’
‘None of us have any more money and there are no jobs.’
‘What are you talking about? Where do you think you are? I have always provided for you!’
Baba and Khalid continue their conversation and I start thinking of mama’s food. Her roasted chicken with garlic was my favourite. My mouth is now watering and my stomach makes a funny noise again so I drink the ink and hope that I don’t hiccup poetry. I don’t want Isa to be upset that I am reading his books. Baba hasn’t asked about Yasmine, only about mama. I don’t know how he forgot that mama is gone.
‘Just shut up and call Maha, I am fed up of arguing with you.’
‘Baba mama is dead,’ I say. I don’t want Baba to get angry but my head is like a washing machine; twisting and turning and it hurts more when he says mama’s name.
‘What are you talking about? How dare you say that about your mother.’
Khalid sits Baba down on the sofa and starts reading the Quran in his ears. Baba doesn’t say anything and his eyes start to close. I remember the room he showed me and I sneak out while Khalid is looking after Baba. I tiptoe into Baba’s room and as soon as I walk in I smell a weird smell that reminds me of the smell of medicine. I look around and find bottles of medicine spilled on the floor. The smell reaches my throat and I nearly vomit.
I run to the small room to get away from the smell. I walk in and find Tariq sitting in the corner. He jumps up when I open the door.
‘Tari!’ His name gets stuck in my throat. I don’t know why.
‘Come sit with me?’
I sit down and look over at the number of records on the floor. They look like a column of rainbows.
‘How have you been Adam?’
‘I have been hungry Mr Tariq.’
Tariq laughs and tries to explain that he is asking how I am doing.
‘Baba is a different colour and I’m scared of him.’
‘What do you mean a different colour?’
I don’t know how to explain to Tariq that I see in different colours.
‘I’m sick of the protests every day, they’re giving me a headache. Life was so much better before people tried to act clever and rise against everything. Now Isa’s dead and Yasmine’s gone,’ Tariq says.
‘Yasmine is going to come back Tariq.’
