Revive

by Mary Wasowski

  I raised my hand up to stop him from saying anything further. Of course, I knew who he was referring to; our mothers remained close and talked. It was easy to spread the word around here. Our close-knit neighborhood had stood the test of time, and although the kids had grown and had families of their own, most of them stayed in the area.

  I told Tony, “I appreciate the warning, but I already know about Thea being in town.”

  “I guess news travels fast around here. Who told you?”

  I said, “Karen did. We worked the bar a few nights together last week, and I could tell something was on her mind. Clearly with the number of glasses she slammed down, whatever it was bothered the shit out of her. Damn, she was beautiful when she chewed on that sexy bottom lip of hers.”

  “Oh yeah? Since when are Karen’s lips sexy?”

  “Shut up, dickhead! That’s another conversation.”

  “Yeah, I’ll just bet, and I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

  “Watch it. She’s a friend. Starting something up with me would probably just complicate things for her. I mean, she has the girls to think about, and you know how hard she is trying to rebuild her life. Her loser of an ex really did a number on her when he ran off with everything she had.”

  “You know, Nick, for a guy who says Karen is just a friend, you sound like you want more than friendship with her. It wouldn’t be a bad thing. Tell me I’m wrong.”

  “Who are you…Dr. Phil?”

  “Hey, don’t get pissed at me, Nick. I came in here to tell you one thing and then the conversation shifted to another.”

  “Sorry,” I grunted out. “I just get angry and frustrated at the shit I can’t have.”

  “Like what? Can you be more specific?”

  “No, forget I even said anything at all,” I said.

  “Fine. So what happened at the bar with Karen?”

  I thought to myself: Nothing I wanted. Stupid fuck! Every time a chance was in reach, something always got in our way.

  I told him, “We shared a few drinks together. We were having a good time, and then she blurted it out about Thea being here, and it was like taking an ice-cold shower. It wasn’t a surprise, though. My mom mentioned that Frannie wanted Thea to fly in for a visit. I guess it all worked out with the anniversary.”

  “And are you okay? I mean, it’s Thea, former love of your life.”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s been over between us since she left me the night of our graduation party. It feels like another lifetime.”

  “Yeah, but still.”

  “Enough! She made it very clear on how she felt about my career choices. It’s water under the bridge.”

  “Yeah okay, my friend, you keep telling yourself that. And I would bet a week’s salary that her picture is not hidden in your top right-hand drawer.”

  “Get out of my office now! My chief hat is officially back on, and if I catch you around my desk again, you will be on scut duty for a month, got it?”

  “Got it.”

  I sat back down, opened the drawer, and my eyes found what Tony had assumed was in here. I loved this picture and the beautiful girl in it. Once in a while, I found myself revisiting my past and what I shared with Thea…

  “I love you so much, Thea. Can you believe that next week we will be college graduates?”

  “I know, mama is so happy, and I have to imagine your mom is too.”

  “You know they are planning a huge block party for us.”

  “Don’t remind me, babe. The entire dining room is covered in decorations and about a thousand party favors.”

  I held her in my arms until I had to leave on the last train back to the city. We went weeks at a time not seeing each other due to final exams and with Thea finishing up her internship at ABC. So I cherished moments like this when I could have her beautiful body wrapped around mine.

  Rutgers University wasn’t that far away, but when it came to seeing your girl on a regular basis, it might as well have been across the country instead of over a bridge. She had been so preoccupied lately with waiting to hear if she would be getting the job at ABC. The wait was killing me too, because I had news of my own and wasn’t sure how receptive she would be to hearing it.

  As we were nearing graduation day, I felt like our future wasn’t certain, where we would both work and live, and who we would become. I hated to even go there, but sometimes I felt as if I were lying beside someone I didn’t know anymore. We grew up together and then began a relationship that was so much fun in the beginning, but then it changed. I felt it.

  “Stop it, Nick. Just stop,” I said to myself alone in my office.

  I didn’t have the answers back then, and I was no closer to having them now. To think back on how many years I spent loving Thea, and it had gotten me nowhere. She was out of my life, but how could I erase her from my heart?

  Since she was hungry for grandchildren, my mother always asked me if I was still in love with Thea Falcone. I kept telling her that I hadn’t found the one yet, and she kept reminding me that once upon a time, I had the one and allowed her to run away without trying to stop her. Yeah, that was a regret that I owned, and I knew I was wrong to blindside her the way I did, but what about Thea? She never gave me a chance to really explain what I thought she already knew. I mean, come on, I was a junior firefighter since I was 13…did she think that was just for fun?

  It was my beginning, and it was what led me here sitting behind this desk in my father’s chair, proudly serving as Battalion Chief to this firehouse. No! I would not be made to feel guilty over what happened.

  Okay, I was currently not with anyone, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t trying. I was more than happy with my life as it stood right now. I shoved the picture back in my drawer, and this time, I locked it. The picture would remain hidden and buried, just like my feelings.

  Leslie came in after I called out to her. It was time to begin the day of tributes and close it with the ladies’ luncheon that Leslie worked hard to arrange for the house.

  Fuck, I hated losing my temper, especially here at the house and with one of my best guys, but he was also a friend. Sometimes Tony tended to forget where the lines were drawn and stepped over them without any regard to how it would affect our relationship. My mind was not where it should be, especially today when I should have been focused on the reason why we were all gathered here.

  My mother was due to arrive any minute. She was excited to see her friends again, including Frannie, Thea’s mother. Mom moved to the Florida Keys a few years back and was living happily on her own with her new circle of friends. My mother remained in our family home up until I graduated college and the fire academy. She said it was time to move on, but it pained her to sell our home to strangers. Then the decision was easily made. I practically saved every cent I earned with the multiple summer jobs I worked all throughout school. I had excellent credit and was making a good living and residing at home rent-free thanks to mom, which allowed me to save even more. I couldn’t let the house go either, and that’s when I asked if she would sell it to me. Her eyes filled with tears, and she said she was hoping I would want it.

  Once we accomplished the painful task of packing up her memories and deciding what to keep and let go, she picked a place on the map and announced she was moving. We found mom a nice condo one block from the beach, and she loved it. She looked great and was in good shape. She kept herself busy, and when she was not in Florida, she was in the city with me.

  I renovated the entire top floor for her and made it into a spacious loft with a living room and private bathroom suite. She would never want for anything, and she always had a place to come home to. When my dad died, I became the man of the house. She had been the one constant figure in my life. For all she had done for me, this was the least I could do for her.

  At the time I asked my mother if she would make the trip, it’s now coming back to me that she was hesitant at first, and now I knew why. She was involved with a man, someone other
than my father. It was kind of unnerving for me, but I had to be happy for her. With mom giving me hope about Thea, my mind was all messed up right now.

  My mom looked engrossed in a conversation with Frannie, and if I had the power to hear from across the room, I knew she was hitting Thea with all kinds of questions or even daring her. That was mom, she always believed in us even when Thea obliterated my heart. She believed we still had a chance for a future, but we were two stubborn souls that could not admit our parts in our break-up. I debated going over to say hello, but I was stopped by a mini version of Karen.

  “Chief Nick!” she happily called out as she slammed into my legs and wrapped her little arms around me for a hug.

  “Trinity, is that you?” I said. “You are getting so big. I think you almost knocked me down with your hug.”

  “It’s called a pile-driver hug, but only if you are on the floor.”

  I said to her, “Well, how about I take a knee and instead of doing a wrestling move, will a regular hug do?”

  “Okay, but the pile-driver hug is fun too!”

  I took a knee to the floor and hugged Trinity back. She was so sweet and always smiling. I looked up to see Karen. She was walking over, probably to remove Trinity off my neck, but I didn’t mind.

  “Trinity, grandma is over at the dessert table with Gigi. Say goodbye to Chief Bartelli, and go have a cookie with your sister.”

  “Okay, mommy. Bye, Nick,” she said as she made her way over to Veronica and Gigi.

  I said, “Karen, she is so adorable. You may be in for it once she is a teenager.”

  “Yeah, I know. So how are you? I haven’t really had the chance to talk with you since working together last week. Are you mad at me?”

  “No, of course not. Why would you ask me that?”

  “Because you are not looking at me in the eye. It’s because of Thea, right?”

  “Karen, I’m not mad at you, and I haven’t seen Thea in a very long time. It’s ancient history between us.”

  “Sure, whatever you say, Nick. One day you will open your eyes. For your sake, I hope when you do, I’ll still be around.”

  “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

  “Nothing I haven’t said before. Enjoy the luncheon, Nick.”

  “Yeah, you too,” I told her as she walked away.

  As much as I tried to focus on Karen, I couldn’t help but look over to where Thea was. Thea looked like she was going to hurl at any moment. Her eyes were scanning the room, and she was pretending she hadn’t noticed me already. I finally decided to duck out and make a bold move to confront her. Now or never, right? I saw the door she was heading for, so I went around to bypass her exit.

  She nearly made her escape when I gently reached for her and tugged her along with me. I found an empty office down the hallway where I would attempt to talk to her, but the smell of her perfume was already altering my mind. She didn’t make a sound. She knew it was me, and I was not a danger to her.

  I locked the door behind me and released her, and she did something that was very familiar. She crossed her arms over her chest, and with her head down, it almost looked as if she was praying. She did that move for nearly every day for an entire year after our fathers died in the towers. I finally turned her by her shoulders and made her look at me.

  “It is you, my Thea.”

  “No, it’s not. Nick, I haven’t been your Thea since the night I left you.”

  The familiar pain I always felt when I allowed myself to remember Thea was now back again. Damn, even after all these years, she still had the power to break me down. I decided to show her how I felt about what she just said.

  I whispered close to her ear and felt her tremble beneath my touch. It had been so long since I touched her, and yet it was so easy to do after all these years. She answered me back with a statement instead of a simple hello. She was driving me crazy and frustrated at the same time. She was retreating to a place where in the past her silence killed me. I finally crushed my mouth to her beautiful, plump, and ruby lips. She opened easily for me, and I was gentle. I poured all my pain, regret, and desperation I ever felt for her into that kiss, and she accepted it willingly, until I broke it and pushed her away.

  Lust quickly changed back to anger, and she stood there, looking shaky on her feet. When my senses returned, I said, “Your lips feel the same. You taste the same. You look like the girl I used to know and loved with everything I had within me, and then you left me. Right?”

  “Yes,” a quick one word answer followed, and then she struggled with her words.

  Whatever she was going to say, I stopped her from saying them. She said my name in a breathy tone, and all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and kiss the shit out of her, but I did that already, and I knew deep down that kissing her was probably a big mistake.

  She was not mine, and I had no right to put my hands on her. For all I knew, she could be married, or at least involved with someone. What the fuck was I doing here? This was wrong, but I guess I had to prove something to myself. Stupid, just stupid. I protected my heart and put up my own protective wall against Thea hurting me again. What was I saying? I was the one hurting myself, because I leaped before thinking, and now I was standing in front of someone I once loved—maybe still love—and I still couldn’t have her. Story of my life.

  “It’s okay, T. I believe we said all we needed to say to one another. See ya around…or not.”

  I turned away from Thea. I couldn’t bear to look at her anymore in fear of what I might say or do. Something like: “I still love you. I want you back. What can I do to make that happen?”

  Yeah, Nick, go with that. Some tough guy you turned out to be. A man who leads with his foolish heart instead of using the sense that was knocked into you more times than you care to remember.

  This was a mistake. As much as I wanted to take her in my arms again, I kept my resolve and walked out the door. This time, it was me leaving her.

  Dammit! Why did I kiss Nick? The look on his face was wild as our mouths connected, and then when my body craved more, he shut down and rejected me. This was a huge mistake to come here and think I wouldn’t see him. He was the goddamned fire chief of Ladder 4. When he stood up on the table and announced his plans of attending the fire academy and declared that he would make chief in ten years, he wasn’t kidding. Nick had achieved everything he set forth for himself.

  When I left Nick and New York, the only plan I had in place was my job. I thought I would have had more time to find a place and do the things you do when you live on your own, but I jumped forward a few steps. I had plenty of money saved up from working throughout school; who knows how I did it, I guess I just wanted it bad enough. I had known a few girls from Rutgers who had moved to Los Angeles. I was lucky enough to be able to live with them for a short time until I secured an apartment. This was not my original plan, though. After successfully completing my internship at ABC, I thought it was in the bag that I would be hired, but the only opening they had was in Los Angeles. I had to decide quickly, and I made the best choice that felt right at the time. I hoped Nick would be happy for me, but there was also a part of me that knew better. After sharing my news with only mama, I planned on telling Nick on the night of our party but never had the chance after his announcement. I was left reeling and knew I had to move forward with my back-up plan, and that’s when I decided to end things with Nick. I left the next morning, and I didn’t look back.

  I was so foolish back then in my thinking. I never gave him a chance to really explain himself, and now it was too late. Why should he listen now, after all these years?

  I dragged my emotional ass up the stairs to my old bedroom. Mom redecorated it to a guest bedroom, but she couldn’t part with some of my favorite posters that still remained as a reminder to my teen years. I smiled because this room still held the warm homey feeling I always felt when I lived here.

  My cellphone vibrated yet again in my pocket, and I knew who the persi
stent caller was: Carter Newbanks, anchor on ABC Nightline Primetime, and my fiancé, at least he was hoping to be once he broke me down and I said yes. Yeah, that was going to go over well with mom. She was a forever romantic and always wanted me to have my happily ever after with Nick, but that ship had sailed a long time ago. No time like the present. I called Carter back, and he answered almost immediately.

  “Thea! Thank God! Are you okay? I have been out of my mind without you.”

  “Carter, calm down. I’m fine. It’s been non-stop with mom, and this is my first opportunity to call you back. Half the time, my phone has been turned off, so please don’t be angry with me.”

  “I’m trying not to be, but you haven’t exactly been forthcoming with me lately, especially with this trip and why I couldn’t come along with you. Don’t you think it’s time I meet your mother? Or do you want that at all?”

  Always with the dramatics. But could I blame him? I was the one that was constantly keeping him at a safe distance, far away from my old life.

  “Carter, you know that’s not true. I don’t mean to shut you out, so please do not believe I am doing it intentionally. I’ll be home in a few days, and then we will talk about this some more, okay?”

  “No, it’s not okay, not at all, and if you want to make this right, you know what you have to do.”

  “I asked you for more time,” I said.

  “And you know I have given it to you. I have been more than patient and understanding with you and your so-called time. I want to marry you. Just say yes.”

  He was perfectly in his rights to be angry, but of course, I had to push and get in the last word.

  “You know what, Carter, I don’t appreciate being backed up against a wall. I am not ready to tell my mother about you, and I am so tired of you pressuring me to do so. I will tell my mother when I am good and ready!”

  Without giving him an opportunity to respond, I disconnected the call and shut my phone off.