“It would have mattered, Thea, and let me ask you this: how could you have believed otherwise? I mean, did you ever know me or us at all?”
“How do you want me to answer that, Nick? I thought I knew you, but after your announcement at the party, I realized that I didn’t.”
“Or, maybe you did all along and just didn’t want to support my dreams as I have always supported yours. I know you were scared and have more emotional scars tied to your past than any single person should have, but you are not the only one that carries those marks. We all have them, and most of us came out alright. But some didn’t and suffered more pain, and then more scars formed.”
“Are you talking about Karen?” I asked.
“Yes, and many more of our friends’ families that didn’t bode as well as we did. Now, another question: if I hadn’t made my announcement when I did, when were you planning to tell me about your job offer?”
“I already told you. I planned to tell you on the night of the party.”
“But you didn’t, Thea. And if you want to know the truth, I don’t think you ever planned on telling me and just used my acceptance into the fire academy as a means of an out. This life I wanted was never the one you wanted.”
“That’s not true, Nick! Take it back.”
“No, it can never be taken back because the truth has been there all along, baby, and it has taken us ten plus years to finally say the words out loud. You were pulling away from me, and I was letting you. You were barely hanging on by a thread by the time we graduated. You were itching to get out of here, and I gave you the final push out the door.”
“Can you make me sound any worse?”
“Yes, but I think we’ve had enough truth for one afternoon.”
“Don’t forget that you were the one that asked for it,” I said.
“I know, but hearing it doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“Neither does saying it.”
“You broke my heart, Thea. I believe you wanted the proposal; how could you not? From our mothers to all our friends, everyone expected us to get engaged and marry. It would have been fun showing off your ring and picking out pretty things for the big day, but then the reality would have kicked in, and that’s what scared you the most…to be not a wife, but a firefighter’s wife, right? And still be in the same place we always were. Am I close?”
“God, you are cruel.”
“That may be, but am I right?”
“No, you are not. I loved you, Nick, since I was old enough to understand it. Yes, I wanted bigger things for my life, that’s no crime. Once I heard about Los Angeles, I knew I had to make a choice for myself, also knowing that you would have had to do the same. I know I made mistakes and handled it completely wrong, but I am done apologizing for it. I wasn’t the only one in this relationship, and it’s about time you begin to take some accountability for your hidden truths.”
“And, what exactly are my truths, Thea? Because they can’t be as bad as yours.”
“Wrong again, Nick, maybe even worse. You can sit here and blame me for every single thing that has gone wrong in your life since I left, but you are not exactly innocent either. Maybe I would have been upfront and honest had you shown me the same courtesy. On the night of the party, you stood on that table in front of our family and friends and lied.”
“Yeah, and what did I lie about Thea?”
“Even after all this time, you still play possum? Okay, maybe you blocked it out, who knows? My memory is solid, and it is remembering one weekend down in Wildwood, NJ, where Trudie had use of her aunt’s house and a bunch of us, including Karen, all partied for the next four days. On our last night there, we decided the girls and the guys would split up and meet back at the house later that night, which we did. I remember Tony carrying a very drunk Nicholas Bartelli through the door. He dropped you down on to the bed and then staggered over to me and told me not to worry. I asked why? And then he said you were just blowing off some steam because once you go off into the academy, you would be totally focused on being the best firefighter you could. The celebrations would come later. He then grabbed another beer from the fridge and raised it high in your honor. Shall I tell you what he said? I know you are dying to know.”
His eyes closed now, hearing the words he used with me now aiming back at him.
“He said, ‘To my best friend, Nicholas Bartelli, Jr., the next Battalion Chief of Ladder Company 4, just as his father before him. Put your hands together for my pal, Nick, and keep him in your prayers as he begins the fire academy this fall. Go Nick! Go New York City!’”
I continued, “Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? Knowing the guy I loved who loved me back was lying. You kept something so life-changing from me. You said you wanted forever—a future—but saying the words are not enough. When you climbed on that table, I thought you might have changed your mind and announced what I was hoping for. My hope was crushed and my decision was made right then and there. I knew walking away from you would hurt for a long time, but staying would have been worse.”
He was stunned into silence, and rightfully so after the bombshell I just dropped on him. I opened my purse and threw down some bills. He looked up with his best WTF expression because how dare a woman pay for a meal. After collecting my things, I got up and then walked around to lean in and whisper one more nail that would certainly seal up the door to our past.
“So, in my truth, I only found out my news one day before, whereas you found out three months before you climbed up on that table and announced it to the world. I think we are done here, don’t you?”
I practically sprinted for the exit and hailed down a cab. I need to get out of this city, and as far away as I could from Nick, and our fucking past that never seems to go away. By the time his shock had worn off, he came after me, but I was already in a cab and on my way home to Carter.
I told my driver to drive faster, but my pleas fell on deaf ears that were ignoring me. I was in the middle of Manhattan traffic, going nowhere anytime soon. Nick had been blowing up my phone since I left him at the grill. I ignored every call and text while looking behind me to make sure he wasn’t following my cab. I knew that was crazy to entertain, but he never liked it when I would walk out on him in the past, especially in the middle of an argument.
This time I did not consider us fighting, just finally coming to terms with the dysfunction of our relationship and many monumental truths. It’s over, we are over. We have been over. I just want to go home.
The cab was moving again but didn’t get too far. We were stopped again at a light and before I could realize what was happening, I was pulled out from the cab.
“Help, help!” I screamed, only to realize it was Nick, who was manhandling me from the cab. He threw down some money and grabbed my laptop bag.
“What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your fucking mind? And how did you catch up to me so fast?” I beat my fists onto his chest as he carried me away from the cab and across the street.
“You sure do ask a lot of questions, but I am not answering anything else until you calm the hell down and we finish our discussion. I’m going to put you down now. Do you promise not to scratch my eyes out?”
“Just put me down before I make you sterile with a knee drop to your balls.”
“And here I was worried about my eyes and shins.”
We walked for several blocks until we were back at Bryant Park.
“What do you want from me, Nick? I am the big bad wolf, and I know I have hurt you, so why are we here? Do you want more truth? Wasn’t it you that said you had enough of it for one day? Because I know I have.”
He paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair. He was angry, hurt, and looked conflicted. I put my hand on his shoulder, and then in a flash, he had me pinned against a hard structure with his mouth on mine.
I couldn’t do this again, and not to Carter. I tried to push him off me, but Nick was too strong. I wrestled my foot in betwee
n his legs and once again shoved him until he stumbled back.
“You bastard! Why did you do that?” I screamed.
Nick was breathless with his hands on his knees, not saying too much back to me.
“What do you want, Nick? What do you want from me?”
He threw his hands in the air and yelled, “I want you! I never fucking stopped.”
I felt as if I was going to jump out of my skin being this close to Thea, and what the fuck what I was doing kissing her? I had no right to do this again, but I couldn’t help myself.
With everything I was told today, I didn’t know what direction I was headed for, and kissing her could only end badly for me. I was trying with all my power to make something happen with Karen, but maybe I was just meant to be alone. She deserved better than half a man pining away for someone else. I couldn’t even say if it was the Thea in front of me that I wanted, or the Thea I once knew and loved very much.
She wasn’t saying anything, and for once, I was thankful for that. When I finally caught my breath, I sat down and asked if she would move over. She did but didn’t look happy about it. Her lipstick was smeared over her face and lips were swollen. I am such an asshole.
“I’m sorry, Thea. I know we have overused that word, but I am. I had no right to kiss you and force you from the cab. You have to know I was out of my mind with everything you told me.”
“I expected you to, but Nick, you have to get a handle on what you are feeling. We have a past, and for the most part, it was a good one, and then we had moments like today where we fell apart and didn’t know what was next for us. You had your reasons, and I had mine to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I made a decision, and I am so sorry I left you out of it, but isn’t that what you did with yours?”
“I never intended on keeping my plans from you, Thea, but I was—what—twenty-one years old and excited to follow the same path as my father did before me. Let me be clear: I knew I loved you. Was I ready for marriage? I thought I was because it was the obvious next step for us. I felt pressured and backed against the wall. Our mothers wanted us to get engaged, our friends wanted it, but did you and I ever really talk about it? Did I miss that conversation? Other than joking around and talking about the possibility of it someday, we never really discussed it on a serious level. Tell me I am right here?”
“I wouldn’t say you are wrong, but it just feels as if we are moving backward, and that is not a place I wish to re-visit. Nick, it took me a long time to commit to Carter, and he has been more than patient with me. I kept him at arm’s length to protect my heart, and I never had reason to do that, not with him.”
“Well, yay for Carter, he gets my girl and the happy freaking ending.”
“You are right about one thing in that sentence,” she said.
“Oh yeah, and what’s that?”
“Carter does get the girl, and I am incredibly happy for that, but as for being yours? That’s where you are wrong. We were always together, Nick, but not in other ways, you know? You need to come to terms with it, because I can’t stay and help you figure it out. We should have ended things probably before we ever left for college, but we clung to our childhoods and the reasons that bonded us together. I truly believe if our fathers had lived and 9/11 didn’t happen, then you and I wouldn’t have been anything more than friends. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but all the therapy in the world that I have undergone didn’t bring me to this conclusion alone. It was always there, but I was too afraid to hurt you. In the end, the information that I was never supposed to know, I used against you to break free, to go to Los Angeles with a clear conscience and begin my new life.”
“But, it didn’t work out that way, did it?” I asked.
“To some degree, yes, but despite my dysfunctional heart and my reckless choices that hurt many, I wasn’t suffering as you may think. Nor do I believe you were either. Just look at your life, Nick. You successfully became everything you wanted to be. You own a thriving business, doing what you want in life as a NYC firefighter, the chief of your father’s house. Come on, Nick, what more do you want?”
“I want you. I want to go back to the time we were happy and uncertainty was the last thing between us. I want a family.”
“I want those things too, but with Carter. Please let me and our past go. If it’s Karen you want, then you have a real shot at finding some happiness, and with Karen, you have an instant family with the possibility of having a baby of your own. It will happen, just not with me. I’m not the woman for you.”
I put my head down and rubbed my hand over my face. She was right, and about everything. I made mistake after mistake with Thea, and I was feeling very foolish and regretful for my actions. This is not who I am, and my father would be ashamed of me if he could see me now.
“I’m sorry, Thea, not only for today, but for weeks ago when I made my first mistake. I just don’t know what I am doing.”
“You were just reacting to what I told you. You didn’t do anything that cannot be undone.”
“Do you really believe that?” I asked.
Please say yes, and give me some hope.
“Of course, I do. Nick, we are good people and deserve a shot at some happiness. That includes partners who love us, having children, and seeing what happens next. I want to see what happens next, and I want all those things with Carter.”
“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that, darling,” someone said from behind.
We both turned around and saw Carter standing behind us. Thea immediately let go of my hand and got up to greet her fiancé. My stomach just about dropped out, and I remained where I was sitting.
“Carter, what are you doing here? And how did you find me?” she asked him as he kissed her and took her in his arms.
“Darling, have you even bothered to check your messages? You have been gone since this morning, totaling nearly eight hours, I was beginning to worry. I knew you were meeting here, so I have been canvasing the park and nearby restaurants until I found you.”
She seemed to accept his explanation and as he hugged her once more, he turned his eyes on me and said, “Have you concluded your meeting?” enunciating ever so slowly and making himself very clear.
I still feel as if things need to be said, but if he gets his way, which I believe he will, then yeah, we were done here.
She turned so she could face me, and he loosened his grip around her shoulders.
“Carter is right. It’s late, I’m starving, and I still need to see mama. Will you be okay, Nick?”
I shrugged off the hopeless feeling that was raging through me and pulled myself together, trying really hard not to look any more pathetic than I already felt inside.
I said, “No worries here. Thank you again for today, I really appreciate it. See you around.”
No hugs, no handshakes, not even a wave. I needed to get out of there as quickly as my feet could take me. I began running and running until I reached my home. The lights were off, so I knew my mother was still out and probably up at the hospital with Frannie.
I stripped my clothes down and took a shower to clear my mind. I felt sick to my stomach over the mess I created today. I was blaming myself because I forced her hand and made Thea tell me everything she couldn’t say ten years ago. How the hell was either one of us expected to move on if we continued to drag our past around as if it was a freaking weight around our ankles?
As much as I wanted to get drunk and feel even more sorry for myself, I couldn’t and wouldn’t. Doing those things would not make me feel better, only worse, and I had to pull my shit together. I was hungry after leaving my food untouched back at the grill. I looked in my fridge and found a stock pile of casserole dishes all labeled with what was in them.
How does she do this? I mean, she just got in early this morning, I thought as I took out the eggplant parmigiana. I retrieved a bottle of red when my doorbell rang. I popped the dish into the oven and made my way to the front door.
&nb
sp; “Hi, I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight,” I said as Karen was standing and waiting for entrance. “Please, come in.”
“Thank you.”
She was uncharacteristically quiet, and that was never good where Karen was concerned. Not really knowing what to do, I went with food. Mom always said that food was always the perfect way to reach someone, whether it’s through conversation or achieving the connection you desire.
I said, “Not sure if you have eaten yet, but I am heating up some dinner. Do you want to stay?”
“I want a lot of things, Nick. I’m just trying to figure out what you want.”
“I deserved that, and after I tell you about my day, you may or may not ever want to talk to me again, let alone date me.”
She let out a breath and finished uncorking the wine. She poured the wine and filled our glasses, handing me one.
She raised her glass and said, “You are right. I may not like you after we talk, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to listen.”
“Fair enough, I will give you the Cliff’s Notes version because it’s been a very long day, and it just needs to be over.”
“Okay, do you want to eat first?” she asked.
“Yes, that would be great.”
We kept our conversation down to simple pleasantries and enjoyed the delicious meal my mother had prepared at some point earlier today. Speaking of mom, she texted me a while ago, telling me that she was staying with friends tonight and would see me tomorrow.
Breaking through the now silent table, I asked Karen if she wanted anything else. She said she had enough. My mind was reeling after my long day and I was trying to figure out what she had enough of? The dinner? Or me?
I refilled our glasses and then lit a fire. She cleared the table and then joined me in the living room. She picked a few pillows from the couch and placed them down where she made herself comfortable. My hands were freaking sweating. I was so nervous on what her reaction would be once I told her about today.
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