Second to No One

by Palmer, Natalie

  “So you’re a photographer. What kind of pictures do you take?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just figuring it all out still.”

  “Do you take photos of people?”

  “Yeah, but so far just my parents and my sister. I’ve been grounded for the past couple of months, so they’re really the only people I see.”

  “Grounded for a couple of months? Sounds serious.”

  “It was stupid, really.”

  “Would you mind taking a picture of me?”

  I looked at Tag surprised. “Of course.”

  Tag pulled himself forward in his chair. “I want to send a photo of myself with my Christmas cards.”

  “You’re sending out Christmas cards?”

  “Well sure, why not? Just because I’m too old to wash my own dishes doesn’t mean I don’t still have people I want to send greetings to for the holidays.”

  “Yeah, of course,” I said feeling embarrassed. “Yes, I’ll definitely take your picture. I’ll bring my camera the next time I come.”

  “Well, you’ll need to tell me what day so I can be dressed and prepared. I want to look my best. I want people to know that I’m surviving.”

  I looked up and down the hallway at the other people sitting outside their rooms. Some were watching, some were sleeping, most were somewhere in between. “Do you think anyone else would want their pictures taken?”

  Tag followed my eyes. “These people? No, they’ve all given up.”

  “But maybe if they had their picture taken, maybe if we dressed them up really nice and made them look like they used to and took a picture of them that they could send to the people who used to know them like that, maybe that would help them feel a little bit better.”

  Tag looked down the hall at the same people I was. “Tell you what, we’ll set a date for you to come back in a couple of weeks, and I’ll spread the word. If they’re coherent enough to come, then you can take their picture.”

  I agreed, then I checked out at the front desk and headed out to my car. I knew I was supposed to go home… straight home, as demanded by Mom when I left two hours earlier, but that was the last place I wanted to go. I thought about breaking my punishment. I thought about doing something really deviant, knowing that in reality my mom would probably have no idea anyway. But then I realized that I had nowhere to go. Drew was with Bryce tonight and, well, she was pretty much the only real friend I had these days. I even thought about Trace, but he’d been spending a lot of time with Kaci Burmingham from the dance team lately, and Drew said she thought they were going out. The last thing I wanted to do was lead him on again, so I got in my car, pulled out of the parking lot and turned toward my house. Because even though I was only there so much lately under duress, it was really the only place that I actually belonged.

  Chapter 12

  I was sitting in fourth period, waiting for class to start and waiting for Jess to come in so I could watch him from the corner of my eye like I did every day at one fifteen. I was also contemplating my epiphany from the day before. Was my newfound solidarity the key to my photography? Was that the extraordinary thing that Ms. Delrose was referring to? Was I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? The thought of such a life spent in solitary confinement put me in a trance, and I didn’t even notice that Jess was standing at the edge of my desk.

  “Earth to Gemma,” he said quietly.

  I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up at his face. I hated that I missed him so much. “Hey,” I said after clearing my throat. “What’s up?”

  He stooped down and propped his arm on my desk. “How’s your dad doing?”

  I thought of the small, gray heap that was my dad balled up on the edge of his bed this morning when I left for school. “He’s okay. You know, considering. And thanks again for driving us to the hospital. I don’t know what we would have done.”

  Jess sucked in his lips and nodded slowly. “So we should probably get together soon to work on our project. It’s due next week.”

  I took in a deep breath. As much as I dreamed about hanging out with Jess again, I dreaded it just as much. I imagined him taking pictures while I watched him sadly, knowing that he would never want me the same way that I wanted him, knowing that maybe he did at one time, but somehow I blew it and I didn’t even know how. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  “I have to work tonight, but I’m free for a couple hours right after school.”

  “You work now?” I hated that I knew so little about the details of his life.

  “Yeah, I got a job in town working at Dan’s auto shop.”

  “Wow, okay, yeah. After school works.”

  “Good. Can we meet at the lake? I need some pictures of it for my project.”

  “Sure.”

  “And try not to outshine me too much.” He smiled, and I instantly looked away and then he brushed past me and went to his own desk in the back of the room.

  Walking to fifth period was difficult, seeing how I had to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and contain my stupid excitement about seeing Jess after school. Him and me at the lake. Alone. My fantasies were endless. Though I wasn’t dumb enough to think that they’d ever really come true.

  “Sit down, girls,” Lauren said as she entered fifth period behind me. Drew was hanging her bag on the corner of her chair, and we glanced at each other with confused eyes before both taking our seats.

  “What’s going on?” Drew said, propping her chin on her fist.

  “Okay.” Lauren sat in the seat in front of me. “You guys are seriously not going to believe this. I mean, I was there, and I’m still having a hard time adjusting.”

  “What happened?” I said, looking at the clock. The bell was going to ring any second, and my curiosity was peaking.

  “Jess. Just. Asked. Me. To. The. Christmas. Dance.”

  I blinked. And then I blinked again. And then again.

  “That’s great!” Drew said with her eyes forced wide. “That will be fun.”

  “He just asked you?” I said. “Just now before fifth period?”

  Lauren bit her bottom lip. “No, he asked before fourth. Just after lunch. I think he was waiting for me to be alone because he came up to me right when you two left for class.”

  A feeling of hot, boiling anger swelled from the tip of my toes all the way up to my cheeks. How could he do that to me? He just acted so friendly and innocent in photography class. I hated myself for falling for his sweet voice and even sweeter smile. I felt like I didn’t even know Jess anymore. The boy I knew and trusted for all those years was gone, and I found myself hating him. Almost as much as I hated Lauren.

  “Gemma.” Drew’s voice was accompanied by her fist hitting my upper arm. “Of course we’ll go dress shopping with Lauren, right?”

  I looked at Lauren. I’d missed the last thirty seconds of the conversation. “Oh, um, no. I can’t. I’m still grounded.” Thank goodness.

  “Still?” Lauren’s shrill voice annoyed me. “It was one stupid night. When are your parents going to let it go?” She shook her head, then looked at Drew again with excited eyes. “Can you believe he asked me? After all this time? I mean we went on our first date—what, two months ago?—and then nothing. I thought he was a lost cause. I thought he just wanted to be friends. And now he’s taking me to the Christmas dance!”

  I looked at our teacher still sitting at her desk. I willed her to come start class and put me out of my misery. “I need to go ask the teacher a question,” I lied. “I’ll be right back.”

  I walked past Lauren and asked our teacher when our final project was due even though I already knew the answer. Then I asked her if I could use the hall pass to go to the restroom. I took it and walked the halls for five minutes until I was sure class had started. If I had to listen
to Lauren say one more word about Jess, I was going to scream.

  After school, I went to the lake like Jess and I had planned. When I got to the dock, Jess was already there with his camera in his hands and his eyes perplexed.

  “This camera is out of film,” he said as I approached. “I haven’t used a camera with actual film since I was ten. I have no idea how to reload it.”

  I sat down next to him and took the camera and some film from his hands and gently opened the side compartment. Just because I hated Jess right now didn’t mean the camera had to suffer.

  Jess reached in his backpack for the piece of paper containing our project description. “So we’re supposed to make a PowerPoint presentation using photographs that tell a story about something significant that has happened in our lives.”

  “Yeah,” I said into my chest. “I don’t know why Ms. Delrose is having us work together on such an individual assignment.” I figured out how to open the camera; then I carefully slid the new film inside. I shut the compartment and handed the camera back to Jess.

  “Thanks,” he said. “Where should we start?”

  I squinted out over the dark, cloudy lake. “I don’t care.”

  I felt Jess look at the side of my face. “You okay?”

  I shrugged carelessly. “Fine.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I clenched my jaw. “I thought you were going to stop dating Lauren.”

  “I never said that.”

  “Why are you doing this, Jess?”

  “Doing what?”

  “Pursuing her? There are hundreds of girls at our school. Why Lauren? Why one of my best friends?”

  “Again with the ‘best friend’ bit.”

  I glared at Jess. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that you keep saying that like I’m breaking some cardinal rule. But it really doesn’t seem like you two are that close.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because Lauren and I talk. I ask her about her day and what she does, and she never talks about you. In fact, the other day, she asked me if in all the years that we’ve lived by each other if I’ve ever had a crush on you. How was I supposed to answer that? You obviously haven’t told her about us. She doesn’t even think we’re friends. How close can you be to a person that doesn’t know anything about you?”

  I turned my body away from him. I couldn’t stand to look at him. “Believe it or not, I do have a life beyond Jess Tyler. And I tell Lauren all about the really important things going on in my world. You just don’t happen to be one of them.”

  “Do you know anything about her?” he pressed, completely ignoring my obvious stabs.

  I turned to look at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Do you know anything about her past? Do you know anything about her family, about her current situation?”

  I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I knew she was cute and annoying and had a big crush on Jess. I guess I always assumed that was all there was to her.

  “There’s a lot going on in Lauren’s life right now, Gemma. You can’t just assume that you know everything about everybody.”

  “Okay,” I finally complied. “So we’re not best buddies. But we are friends. I see her and Drew more than anybody else at school. We eat lunch together, we have class together, we used to study together every day after school before I was grounded. That should be reason enough not to date her.”

  Jess stared thoughtfully out at the lake in front of us, but his eyebrows were pressed into a tiny crease in the middle of his forehead. “It just seems like you would have told her about us, seeing how much time you spend with her every day. She thinks we’re just neighbors.”

  “Well, just like you said, what happened between us was a mistake. I guess it’s better if I just don’t talk about it. I try not to even think about it.”

  Jess nodded slowly. “Just because things didn’t work out between us doesn’t mean there wasn’t a reason for what happened.”

  “The only reason I can see was to end our friendship.”

  “I still want to be friends with you.” Jess’s words were flat and without emotion. “I never wanted to mess that up.”

  I shook my head at the camera in my hands. “I think we both know that we can’t be friends, Jess. Not the way we used to be anyway.”

  Jess went completely still as he took in my last words. Then in a strange, low voice, he said, “It didn’t have to be this way, Gemma. Had I known that things would end up like this, I never would have kissed you in the first place.”

  “I wish you hadn’t.” My words were harsh, but my heart was black and purple from the beating. I was done pretending.

  “Well, you’re right then,” Jess finally said, and he buried his camera inside his bag. “I guess there is no point in us doing this project together.” He slowly picked up his bag and draped it over his shoulder. “We obviously don’t consider each other a significant part of our lives.”

  Then he got up and stepped around me. He didn’t stop walking, and before I knew it, he was off the dock and up the shore toward the road. I couldn’t figure out what had just happened. I was the one that was supposed to be mad. I was the one that had a reason to be bitter. I was the victim here, not him. So why was he so angry? And why was I feeling so empty and alone?

  The next day in fourth period. Ms. Delrose called me to her desk. It was the last twenty minutes of class, and everyone was working quietly on their individual projects.

  “Gemma,” Ms. Delrose started, her arms were crossed over her chest and her chin was tilted upward. “Jess came to see me this morning. He said it wasn’t going to work out for the two of you to work together on this semester’s final project.” She shook her head with a concerned expression. “What happened?”

  My whole body stiffened. Jess was sitting no more than ten feet away from us, and I was positive that he was listening to every word. “Oh, um, I don’t know. I think it’s just the nature of the project. It’s difficult to work with someone else when the subject matter is so personal.”

  Ms. Delrose nodded, but she didn’t look convinced. “I did this for you, Gemma. Jess is just taking this class as an elective. I’m not concerned about him. But you have so much talent. Teaching someone else your form can only help you improve.”

  “Well, um, maybe there’s someone else in the class that I can help.”

  Ms. Delrose leaned deep into her chair. “So this is about you and Jess?”

  “Um…” I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “I just, well, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I think, if it’s okay with you, I’d prefer to just work alone on this project. If, you know, if it’s okay with you.”

  Ms. Delrose examined me for a moment before taking in a deep sigh. “Yes, that’s fine. If that’s what you would prefer.”

  I thanked her and walked back to my seat like a puppy with its tail between its legs. Now Ms. Delrose hated me too. When the bell rang, I walked slowly and sluggishly to my locker. The last person in the world that I wanted to see right now was Lauren. She had only been in Franklin for three months, and somehow she had single-handedly turned everyone in my world against me. Or was I the one that had done that? It was hard to tell. When I approached the B hall I was relieved to see Drew hunched down and alone digging into her locker.

  “Hey.” I said to her as I turned my lock clock-wise.

  Drew looked up at me, “Oh hey.”

  “What are you doing this weekend?” I asked, “Are you and Bryce going out?”

  Drew looked pre-occupied as she zipped up her bag and grabbed one last book off the top shelf, “I don’t know.” She muttered then she closed her locker and stepped close to my side, “Listen to me Gemma. You have to end this.”

  “End
what?” I stopped and searched her face for the answer.

  “This whole stupid game that you’re playing with Lauren and Jess.”

  I rolled my eyes and turned back to my locker, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You have to stop lying to her.”

  “I’m not lying.”

  “She’s going to find out about you and Jess and then she’s going to hate us both. We’re her friends, Gemma. The only ones she has right now.” She stepped back and relaxed her shoulders slightly, “Look, you’ve been grounded so you haven’t been around but Lauren has told me a lot of things. She’s going through a lot right now. She needs good friends.”

  I glared at Drew. I was so sick of hearing about Lauren’s hard life. “I’m going through a lot right now, too, Drew. I need good friends, too.” I slammed my locker shut, “I have never lied to her. Not once. Just because I haven’t told her everything about my life doesn’t make me a bad person. Jess and Lauren are going to the Christmas dance. They’re going to dance, they’re going to hold hands, she’s going to laugh at his jokes and he’s going to kiss her goodnight. The thought of it makes me crazy but I can’t do anything about it. Jess is falling for somebody else and I am dying inside. So I’m sorry that Lauren is going through some sort of crisis but she has Jess. So as far as life crises go, I think I win.”

  Drew frowned at me and her eyes looked a darker shade of blue than I had ever seen them before. “I love you Gemma.” She finally said through tight lips, “I honestly do. You’re my best friend on this planet and I don’t know what I’d do without you. But sometimes,” she took a deep breath and grabbed hold of her backpack, “Sometimes you make it really hard for me not to hate you.”

  Five minutes later, I entered fifth period alone. Drew and Lauren sat next to each other and gabbed about dresses and jewelry and boutonnieres while I sat silently two rows away from them, pretending to work on my assignment. What was happening? How did everything in my life go downhill so fast? Four months ago, everything was perfect. I had Jess, I had Drew, and I had a life. But ever since Lauren moved to town, everything was slipping through the cracks. Now she had Jess, and she had Drew. She was taking over my life.