Third: bliss. Decklin's naked skin was pressed against mine and his soft breathing was tickling my neck. I was so glad that I hadn't lost my virginity to a one night stand like Beth had. I wouldn't like the feeling of losing something that's supposed to be so priceless, and then waking up in the morning alone, not in the arms of the man who had taken it.
I didn't want to get out of bed. I had the feeling that if I did, my fairy tale (if you could really call it that) would be over. Despite what I told Decklin, about whatever my father said not mattering, I knew it could. I was a daddy's girl through and through. I would listen to what he had to say, knowing he only had my best interests in mind. I was glad my bladder decided not to be on overload because I was not going to risk getting out of that bed.
I turned to face Decklin slowly, trying not to jostle him and wake him up. I succeeded. I smiled as I looked at his sleeping face. Even in his dream land he had this sort of satisfied smirk on his face. I laughed quietly. I'm fairly certain he'd never gone that long without getting laid… But he waited; for me. I smiled softly. He truly was an amazing person. I hoped this lasted a long time. I traced his face with my fingers before kissing lightly all over his face before landing on his lips. I watched him as I did this. His eyes slowly began to open, confused at first and I saw the moment recognition hit him. He whole face lit up and I smiled smugly, knowing it was because of me.
"Good morning handsome," I said, my voice still caked with sleep. He leaned over and kissed me softly.
"Morning sunshine," he said tiredly. He rubbed his eyes before wrapping his arms around me tightly and kissing my neck lazily.
"I know I have to go back today, and I guess according to you I may never want to talk again, but can we just stay in this bed for a few hours?" I asked quietly, almost desperately. I had a feeling, a dreadful feeling, that it would be the last time. He gave me a sad smile.
"Morning breath and all?" He joked. I smiled, touching his face.
"Morning breath, stubble and all," I said. He grinned before rubbing his face on mine. I shrieked. "Deck! That tickles, quit!" I said while laughing. He stopped, holding himself above me. He stared down at me, the most emotion I'd ever seen on his face was there.
"I meant what I said Lil, I do love you," he said softly. I smiled.
"I believe you. I love you too Deck. It's real soon, but I can't describe what else this could possibly be that I'm feeling," I told him. He kissed my forehead.
"Remember that Lil, remember later, when things get rough, that you love me right now. Remember this morning too," he said and kissed me fully.
* * *
On the drive home I was still going over the morning in my head. I could still feel his hands all over me, feather light. His eyes and his mouth followed the path of his hands. It was as if he was memorizing me. We didn't speak during the drive, but his hand was caressing my thigh and I had my hand on his neck, rubbing it. It's like we couldn't stop touching each other. We didn't have the music on either, it was just quiet. It was comfortable, though I was tense for what was coming.
When we got to my house he turned to me before turning the car off. He pulled me to him and kissed me hard. I lost myself in the kiss. He was dominating and desperate and I knew he was scared it was the end. Honestly I was scared too. "I love you," he said hoarsely after he pulled away.
"And I love you," I said, running my hand down his face. "I'm really curious as to what could be so bad that you think I'll want to get rid of you," I said with a raised eyebrow. He looked over my shoulder and I followed his gaze. My dad and brother were standing there, practically identical, scowls on their faces and arms crossed against their chest, feet shoulder width apart. "This really is trouble, isn't it?" I asked with a frown. He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair.
"Yes Lillian, it really is."
"Well, let's go then," I said, getting out of the car. He didn't follow. "Are you coming?"
"Decklin, you are coming in. You're going to be here, in fact, you're going to tell her," my dad's voice rang out loud and clear and oddly terrifying. Decklin nodded and got out of the car, following me inside rather slowly. I reached back and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. He didn't respond, just held my hand loosely. I frowned. Something was definitely happening that I wouldn't like.
Mom was sitting in the living room when we walked in. Dad sat next to her on the loveseat, putting his arm around her shoulders. Brian sat down in the chair and Decklin and I sat next to each other on the couch. He didn't sit close to me though and I was put off by that. "Somebody tell me what's going on before I lose my mind," I demanded.
"Decklin, why don't you tell Lillian what she wants to hear?" My father said coldly. I turned to Decklin.
"Deck?" I asked, confused. He muttered something under his breath. I heard the words 'kill,' and 'family' but that was it. My heart started racing. "What?" He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.
"Lil, I'm not who I said I was. And while we were in the city, I hired somebody to come and kill your family… Well, not your family, just your mom actually," he said quietly. I was stunned into silence. It's like my whole world was crashing down, the picture perfect vision of last night was completely destroyed. While I was really into making love with Decklin, in the back of his mind was he thinking about the people he'd sent after my mom? Did he think because he'd had sex with me that I wouldn't care if he killed her? And the question at the forefront of my mind was why would he want to do that? He didn't answer any of my silent questions though. He didn't do anything. He sat there, looking defeated and withdrawn.
And why the heck was he still alive? My dad was very overprotective of his family, he wouldn't sit there and be asking for a calm explanation from just anybody. Decklin should be getting the shit kicked out of him. So there had to be a reason. Some background maybe? I was so confused. "Explain," I said. "Not just Decklin, but you too Dad," I looked over at him. He had an unreadable expression and was staring at Decklin, but not like he wanted to murder him. Empathy? I could tell he was pissed, but he could also see things from Decklin's point of view. But see what exactly? I growled low in my throat. "Somebody fucking talk!" I yelled.
"I killed his father," surprisingly it wasn't Decklin or my dad who had spoken. It was my mom. She had never been soft spoken, so it surprised me to hear the tenderness in her voice. I stared at her, but she too was staring at Decklin.
"W-w-why?" I stuttered. She sighed.
"Do you ever wonder what I do for a living Lillian?" Came from my father. I nodded. "I kill people, there's no nice way to put it. I never wanted to tell you. I never planned on it. I wanted to protect you from the truth. A very long time ago there were a group of friends. Five of them. They were poor and greedy. They wanted riches so they got them any way they could. They made a game out of it at first, seeing who could top who in what they got. But it wasn't a game for long. They turned on each other. All of them. Greed came before friendship. So they started groups-" he said.
"Like the mafia or something?" I asked. He sighed.
"Yeah, something like that. And so now there are four groups, the weakest one got killed off. Your mom and I were from two opposing groups. She happened to get assigned to," he hesitated momentarily, "kill me," he finally said. "Only after killing my heart though. Decklin's father was her boss. He wanted her for himself though. He never imagined that Delilah would fall in love. I found out about it when I got my assignment to kill her. I was pissed, I was betrayed by the one person I ever truly let into my life. I was going to leave her, I couldn't make myself kill her. She begged me to stay and I wasn't going to listen. But then she told me she was pregnant with you and Brian. I didn't believe her, but I had to know.
"Obviously, she was telling the truth. So we were on the run for months. Finally Derek, Decklin's father, found us. He was going to kill me, kill Decklin's mother, and take Delilah as his own," he shuddered then. "But she tricked him. And we took him to your Uncle Brian's place, and well�
��" He trailed off.
"You murdered him," Decklin finished. "Which in turn killed my mother. She literally died of a broken heart. I guess now that I know the full story it doesn't matter does it? She was dead either way. I was four years old, like I wouldn't remember my own mother. Like I'd ever take Delilah as a mom. I loved my mom. She wanted me to get revenge, she knew she wouldn't be around to do it. So I promised her. I never go back on my promises. This will be the only exception," he ended softly. He was so defeated.
"So I searched through Frances' things and found the information he'd been keeping about you guys. I packed my things, got in my car and drove. I was going to weasel my way into your life, break your heart and kill all of you. That's the real reason I was here. I was going to destroy you, " he laughed bitterly. "Looks like Frances was right when he said that history has a way of repeating itself," he ended, scowling.
I didn't know what to do or say. I couldn't think and I started to hyperventilate. "Did you know about all this Bri?" I asked softly. He nodded, not looking at me. I laughed cause I didn't know what else to do. "Great, my own twin is keeping things from me too. The four people I trust most in the world fucking lied to me about everything. Fuck you guys. I'm going upstairs. Decklin, I want you to leave. The rest of you don't even try to come talk to me. I don't want to look at any of you," I said harshly before walking rather calmly up to my room. I slammed the door and locked it behind me.
I collapsed on my bed, drained of life. The man I had finally given everything to, my family who I loved and would do anything for, they had all lied to me. Fuck all of them. I didn't need anyone.
Chapter Fourteen: BreakdownI'm falling apart.
Barely breathing.
With a broken heart
That's still beating.
Lifehouse- Broken Lyrics
Lillian
Life; sometimes it can feel so utterly hopeless. People once close fade out of your life, you lose a job, a house even, family dies, people betray you. Yes, hopeless is definitely a word I would use to describe life. Sometimes I wonder how I can wake up in the morning when I feel the weight of the world so heavy on my shoulders. I wonder how I go through the day and actually function.
Most days, I don't remember what I've done or how I've done it. I don't remember saying things. It's almost like my replies are robotic, my motions are just a reflex, I don't have to do any work. I sometimes catch glimpses of worry, or maybe pity from my family, but it doesn't register right away and when it does, I just don't care. I don't feel much anymore. But at the end of the day, when I sink under my covers, I still remember him. I still remember when he was such a significant part of my life. I remember actually feeling alive. And oh, how I long for it. With every fiber of my being I long for it. I would give up everything to have that feeling back again. I would go to the extreme.
But I remember what he did. I remember that he never really wanted to get close to me because of who I am. He wanted to use me and to kill me. Well he did both of them. I may not have been dead literally, but figuratively. I had become a recluse. Once I was so full of life, I enjoyed everything, laughed too much, loved everyone in my circle of family and friends. I had been alive. But then, I fell in love. I did the most daring, trusting, exhilarating, stupid, moronic, and deadly thing. I. Fell. In. Love. And it was all down hill from there.
I went to school and came home. I didn't go to the club. I wouldn't return Beth's calls. I wouldn't speak to my family. Decklin hadn't called me once. Maybe he was glad to be rid of me. But I could still hear his words echoing through my head that he said the morning that my life changed so damned drastically.
"Remember that Lil, remember later, when things get rough, that you love me right now. Remember this morning too," and he had kissed me so nicely. I could feel that he loved me too. I knew he did. He was the one who said his boss or whoever was right, that history had a way of repeating itself. But damn him, did he have to tell me to remember? How could I forget? He was the best mistake of my life. I was pining over him and he had probably already moved on. He probably had some slut between the sheets as I thought about him. I was in a jealous rage.
Pitying myself, I heard a knock on my door. It was a hesitant knock, whoever it was didn't want to get their head bitten off, or maybe they did. Maybe they wanted some sort of reaction out of me. But I wouldn't give it to them. Let them worry. Let them fuss over me. It was all their fault anyway. They're the ones who killed his father, that's the reason he was brought into my life. At that point in time I had wished I'd never met him. I would still be innocent little Lillian. Always teasing, never giving in. I'd still have my heart, my honor, and my dignity.
I had made the mistake of not locking my door. I looked up as my mom walked in. I went back to staring at my ceiling, not interested at all in what she had to say. She sat down on my bed, barely making an indent with her tiny body. "Decklin didn't tell you everything sweetie," she said quietly.
"Care to rip my heart to shreds some more mom? Cause really, I don't have much left," I said bitterly, scowling at my white ceiling. "Really, throw something else at me. Maybe then I'll break completely. It's not as if you can't pay the loony bin bills. I mean dad kills people for money right? Just have him go shoot five people and that's enough to get me a years stay at the best psych hospital you can find," I was so full of sarcasm she usually would have said something about it, but she didn't. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and saw her eyes were wet. "Crying won't do you any good mother," I said bitterly. At that she laughed.
"That's exactly what your father said to me- minus the mother part- when I called him after he had found out I only meant to kill him. It was a dirty trick to tell him I was pregnant, but I've always had a knack for getting things I wanted," she paused. She laid down next to me and sighed. "Decklin didn't tell you that he called your dad to tell him what he'd done. He warned us ahead of time so we wouldn't get hurt. I think he realized how much it would have hurt you," she said quietly.
"Oh, well he did a good job of that without killing you," I said harshly, but my heart started going faster. He had regretted it? He didn't want to kill them because of me? He was honest when he told me he loved me? I mentally hit myself. It didn't matter. He hadn't stopped lying to me since we met. I hated people lying to me. I wouldn't put up with it.
"Lillian, that man loves you and if you let him go it'll be the stupidest thing you've ever done. I did not raise a stupid child," she said firmly. I rolled my eyes to look at her.
"What about Brian?" I asked. She sighed.
"He's not stupid Lillian. But right now you're being stupid. Go to him and talk through things. Get everything in the open, if it makes you feel better, beat the shit out of him. Have great make up sex, and be done with it," she said.
"Maybe I'll just go and have sex with him, make it really good so he knows what he's missing, and then walk away from him. I like that idea better," I told her, nodding.
"You'll lose another piece of your heart in the process though Lillian," she said. I shot up and glared at her.
"I have nothing more to lose mom! I've lost my heart! I've lost my friends! I've lost all the trust I put in my family! I lost the one man I gave everything to! I lost everything. I'm completely broken. If I can get some good sex out of it, why the hell not?" I asked. I stood up from my bed and began pacing.
"Lillian calm down. Don't make any rash decisions. Give the poor boy a chance. He's lost a lot in his life," I stopped and looked at my pleading mother.
"You do realize that you're defending the man whose sole purpose in life has been to kill you, right?" I asked.
"He had good reason. When you grow up in the environment that he did it's not unusual to kill someone out of revenge. In fact, it's quite normal. We have people everywhere. Cops aren't who they seem to be most of the time. They do a great job of covering up murders. Why do you think Decklin didn't get caught when he shot down Rodger in the ally?"
"You knew that creep?"
I asked, my eyes wide. "Great. Just great. Everyone knows everyone and I'm out of the loop. Even Brian knew! That's ridiculous. I'm so much better at everything than him. I love him to death, he's my other half, but I got all the skill in anything having to do with shooting and self defense. This is all so fucked!" I said, pulling at my hair. I sat back down on my bed before flipping onto my stomach, facedown in the pillows. My mom started to rub my back.
"Go, talk to him. Get things figured out. Even with him threatening our lives like that, your dad and I still like him. He's a good kid, ten times the man his father was. He has true feelings even if he is a little rough around the edges."
"Fine, you're right. I'm going to go see him," I finally said. "And I am not asking dad for permission to go to the city, but I will take a gun now that I know there's a good chance someone's waiting to jump me for a higher place on the mafia social ladder," I got up and began throwing clothes and make up into a bag. I was going to see Decklin alright. But I didn't plan on talking.
Chapter Fifteen: Damn RegretI'm wishing you were here
My weakness is my fear
Alone I am myself
No reason left for me to care
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Damn Regret Lyrics
Decklin
A month passed. One long and damn lonely month. I missed her. I didn't try to call, to be honest I was scared. I didn't want to be rejected. I didn't expect her to forgive me. Maybe I didn't really want her to. I didn't deserve her forgiveness. I should be left to suffocate myself with my regret.
I laid in bed a lot. I didn't do any missions for Frances, he stopped calling after awhile. I barely ate. I took cold showers frequently, seeing as one of my last memories with Lillian was our morning in my bed. I couldn't sleep in my bed, not even after the maid had come by and fixed the tangled sheets. Not even after she washed Lillian's smell off of them. I couldn't do it. I laid at my couch, wasting away, watching my ceiling. I couldn't even look out my windows without remembering how beautiful she thought the city was.
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