Audible Hallucinations: A Free Spirit's Journey In Discovering WHOSE She Really Is

by Betsy Meredith Hudgens

  CHAPTER 7

  THE COLLEGE JOURNEY

  As you have probably gathered by now, there is not much about my journey that has followed a traditional path. When I graduated from high school, I received a full scholarship to a technical school, where I received a degree in avionics. I worked in the industry for a couple of years, and then I was introduced to the financial services field. I made the career move and pursued the opportunity with 100 percent passion. By any standards, I found success immediately and it continued for several years. I had the opportunity to learn how to manage my own finances, help others, make a living, and meet incredible people, who were successful in all aspects of their life.

  Beginning in 1999, however, I was still deeply unsatisfied. Though I was running my own office, making money, and getting national recognition, I was not happy. I now know looking back that I was yearning to know if I was truly loved and valued, by both God and people, and the recognition I was receiving from my company was giving me a false sense of unconditional love and was actually deepening the wound. The lesson in that for me has been that if love and acceptance is based on performance or conditional in any way, I will never be satisfied because it’s essentially the equivalent of being fed sugar when my body needs protein. It’s an unhealthy substitute for what is really needed.

  I relocated to Fort Collins and was continuing to pursue my business, however, in 2002, I knew I had to do something different. As mentioned, I had begun a new spiritual quest and had seen some amazing things happen, but as far as my calling in life, I knew I needed to make a change. In passing, someone made a comment to me that hit deep. She said, “Betsy you are good at making money. Why don’t you try making a difference?” Ouch! By this time, my younger brothers had been given the opportunity to go to Russia and spend time in orphanages with Dr. Patch Adams (yes, the real Patch Adams, not Robin Williams), and I was really touched by the photos and stories I heard. I have always loved kids, so I decided to use my business skills for a repurposed plan and start a non-profit, which would eventually become World Orphan Connection (WOC). I was concerned about my credibility, as I didn’t have a bachelor’s degree, so I decided to apply to college. I started at the community college, received a grant for tuition, and I also applied for the upcoming fall 2003 semester at Colorado State University (CSU). I wasn’t much worried about getting accepted, but I was concerned about funding. I was not going to go into student loan debt, and I was not sure if I could get enough scholarships and grants to cover both tuition and living expenses, but I started researching and applying for everything I could find.

  During the summer of 2003, after completing a few core classes at the community college, I was getting ready to start my first semester at CSU. I received grant money for tuition, but was really nervous about living expenses and had accumulated a debt of over $3,000 because I made frivolous spending decisions in years previous. At the time, I still had my office and it was full of several thousand dollars worth of equipment and furniture. I decided it was time to let go of my business, transfer my clients, and move on. I knew of a couple in Colorado Springs who were getting ready to open an office, so I gave them a call to see if they were interested in purchasing my office assets. I was asked to put a list together of everything I had, along with the price of what I wanted for each item, and they would review it. It seemed like the perfect plan. I could pay off my debt and have a bit left over to cover expenses for a few months. As I started writing out my list, I couldn’t really explain it, but I just “knew” I had to literally let it all go. I called my buyer back and told her that I changed my mind. They could have everything for free if they came and took everything at one time. She was ecstatic, and though I was a bit stunned at my choice, I was at peace. Shortly after that decision, I received a letter from CSU’s First Generation Scholarship Committee that I had received a four-year, full-tuition scholarship. This would cover tuition, and the previously obtained grant would cover living expenses. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of what would become a flood of funding.

  Just prior to starting the semester at CSU, I had to meet with the Academic Achievement Center (AAC) as part of the requirements for the First Generation funding. It was a short meeting intended to prepare me for success and give me accountability throughout my scholastic journey. Within days of the meeting, I got a letter from the AAC telling me that I had earned another scholarship. I was shocked, considering I hadn’t applied for one, but I was thrilled, as the amount would pay off the remaining balance of my debt. I was now completely debt free, had no more business responsibilities, and had tuition and living expenses covered. It taught me two lessons that I now live by. First, when its God’s plan, it’s His bill to pay and I don’t have to burden myself with debt to fulfill His purpose. Second, even when we make mistakes, like I had previously with my debt, God can provide a solution. From 2003 to 2007, I was able to focus on my academics and WOC, with the full backing of several professors, and in the process, kept being handed scholarship money. Not only did I acquire a bachelor’s degree, but I graduated with money saved.

  I graduated in 2007, and had been accepted to graduate school, but decided to get married to my sweetheart instead. I began employment and was finally enjoying a steady flow of income. By 2010, however, I had been laid off and was collecting unemployment. Again, I was feeling the inclination to go back to school, so I applied and was accepted into Regis University’s MBA program. I had previously been accepted elsewhere, but this program seemed to make the most sense for my schedule, despite the premium price tag for tuition. Because my husband is a great provider, my monies from unemployment could be used to cover tuition, books, and gas money for the weekly commute. While this process wasn’t nearly as dramatic as the CSU experience, it was, nonetheless, confirmation of my journey. In 2010 and 2011, the extension of unemployment insurance benefits came before Congress multiple times and many people were left without benefits for weeks at a time while Congress debated the approval. The “irony” for my situation, however, is the fact that literally every time my benefits expired, it happened to be the same week that Congress passed an extension. For almost two full years, I did not go one week without a payment. Further punctuating the irony is the fact that my last unemployment check came on the last night I had class in my MBA program. It covered the remaining balance for my tuition and gave me just enough to buy a class ring.

  While I am not yet fully clear on how my future calling will unfold, I feel blessed to have gone from a simple technical degree to an MBA with absolutely not a penny of accumulated student loan debt.

  CHAPTER 8

  BIRKY PLACE

  As mentioned previously, I had embarked on the task of putting myself through college, had extensive volunteer commitments, and a full load of academic credits. I had been living in the basement of a friend’s mom. She was gracious enough to allow me to stay rent-free and went out of her way to be kind and generous so I could get my life on track and get my education. In the middle of the spring semester in 2004, my aging host took a really bad fall and broke her arm. She, along with her daughters, made the decision that it was time for her to move to an assisted living facility and sell the townhouse in which we lived. My initial reaction was fear because I had no clue what I was going to do. While it made sense financially at this point to get a job, with my academic load there would be no way that I could add a job to my schedule without my studies suffering. It was important to me to keep my grades high so, in the event that I decided to go to graduate school in the future, my GPA would be an asset, not a hindrance. Based on previous experience, I chose to go the route of making a prayer list and thanking God for doing the house shopping for me, as I had no time, or means, to make this happen.

  The list ended up being somewhat of a joke to many of my friends who became increasingly irritated with what they perceived as an indifference to the fact that I would be homeless in less than a month. They knew full well that I would have no i
nhibitions about sleeping in my truck if I had to. When I made this list, I decided to be bold and “ask for the moon” because, at this point, I had nothing to lose. The list included things such as… within walking distance to campus, private, as I had learned to love the basement, and a place where I could have all of my own stuff again. My bed, furniture, kitchen items, and more had been stored at a friend’s house for a couple of years, and I wanted my own familiar comforts. Last on this list was the word “free.” I know, I know, for someone who was smart enough to be on full scholarship at a university, I was arguably delusional.

  Over the next several weeks, I stood my ground and believed that something big was going to happen, that my need would be met, and that I would be settled into a new living situation just in time. I did not make any efforts to apartment shop or look for a place because I had absolutely no money in my account, even for a deposit, and no means of monthly income. My funding from Colorado State University (CSU) covered tuition, books, and left enough for the bare basics such as gas, and some food money. This situation presented a pretty big problem, but it was also the perfect opportunity to see a miracle, and I was going to need one.

  I had to be out of the townhouse by the last weekend in February of 2004. On Thursday of that week, I had a friend push the issue yet again, as if I had some control over the situation. I wasn’t trying to be stubborn, but I had no options. My glib response to her was something along the lines of, “I’m not looking for a place to live. I’m getting ready to go take a nap.” That’s exactly what I did. I was exhausted from my academic load and worn down from the mental pressures attached to my economic situation. So, I finished an assignment, put on my cozies, and buried myself under the covers of my borrowed bed. I was awakened about an hour later with what I can only describe as a sense that I needed to get online and look at CSU’s classified section. It was odd because not only had I never been on the site, but I hadn’t known of its existence. I logged on and there it was—a listing for a free apartment. I called the number, spoke to a lovely woman named Cheryl, gathered a few details, and set up an appointment to meet her within the hour.

  As I drove to the place that was listed, I got a big smile on my face as the house was on the street where I normally parked when I went to class, so clearly, it was within walking distance to campus. I met Cheryl and was introduced to her elderly mother, Evelyn. Basically, what was going on was Evelyn, who was very spry and independent, but aging, wanted to remain in her home. They thought it wise, however, to have someone stay in the basement apartment. In exchange for free rent, she needed someone to drive her to her card game once a week and do ten hours a month of work around the house, including weeding, vacuuming, and other miscellaneous tasks that I would have had to do in any home where I lived, so these expectations were certainly reasonable.

  Evelyn was an absolute hoot and I loved her strong spirit. She was highly intelligent, full of life experience, and someone who I knew I would grow to love. What I found amusing was the fact that the listing had been up for a while, and they interviewed a couple of people but, for whatever reason, they didn’t have a driver’s license, which would have prevented Evelyn from getting to her card games. I could not believe that prior to me calling they couldn’t find anyone on the entire campus with a driver’s license who wanted a free apartment. They checked my references and later that afternoon Cheryl called and invited me to move in that Saturday. There was one problem though, and I wasn’t sure what to do. The rent was free, but I would have to pay for my share of the utilities, getting my own phone line, and all of my own food. In my previous living situation, I contributed, but my other housemate and I shared meals. She bought most of the groceries, I cooked, and we shared her existing phone line. I had no clue how I was going to come up with an extra couple of hundred dollars a month for both utilities and food, but I had to take the leap of faith.

  I had known this would be my apartment when I took the initial tour, so I knew it was safe to accept the offer despite the utility and food situation. Outside of being within walking distance to campus, on a street that I knew to be safe, it had a bedroom, a living room, a designated office area, and a kitchen. I could finally have all of my own stuff back! Among my items in storage was my collection of little porcelain houses I collected over the years. I never had a place to display them, but kept them in their packaging for the future. The final confirmation that this apartment would be mine was the fact that one of the walls had oddly sized, built-in shelving. I say it was odd because the erected shelves were only two inches deep and could obviously only be used to display curio-type items. They were the exact depth needed for my little houses.

  On the Saturday I moved in, I had my phone line set up, scraped some pennies together to get a few days worth of food, and simply waited for what was going to have to be another miracle. On Monday, I got an unexpected call from a professor who was familiar with both my academic accomplishments and volunteer service. He told me that he nominated me for a scholarship in his department, and had gotten word that I had been selected. In addition to the honor of receiving this distinction, I would be receiving a scholarship for $750. Because I was already fully funded, the money would simply be distributed to me directly. This gave me an extra $250 a month for March, April, and May of 2004. This was enough to cover all of the new expenses of my free apartment until the summer break when I could get a job and make some money. This situation not only reinforced my own faith, but it also got the attention of many of my peers, who began to realize that perhaps I was onto something with this concept of surrendering needs.

  I lived with Evelyn for three years and cherished every minute of it. I learned a great deal from this beautiful woman. I was also able to focus on school and my volunteer work without any financial pressure, and this wasn’t the end of the story. In the winter of 2005, I was invited to Cheryl’s house where she introduced me to a man by the name of Jason Hudgens. Though I didn’t know it at the time, this was yet another miracle in the making, as Jason would become my husband a little less than two years later.

  As I reflect back on this chain of events, it’s a reminder to always be bold in my requests. Many had found me arrogant to dare to ask for a free apartment or foolish to be making no effort in finding a place to live with a looming deadline. However, had I given into the pressure and forced some other option, or simply moved in with a friend or otherwise settled, I would have missed the opportunity to have God reinforce His love and provision for me. Because this series of events also led me to meeting Jason, perhaps that introduction would have either been delayed or inhibited. I will never know what would have happened or not happened if I had simply settled, but it’s a reminder that even when it gets hard, staying surrendered leads to better results, at least that’s held true for me.

  CHAPTER 9

  OUR FURRY ESCAPE ARTIST

  While this story is filled with opportunities for a skeptic to claim “coincidence,” it’s worth sharing as it was the first time in my young marriage that I think my husband finally realized that there may be something to this concept of trusting God for everything. Though I had grown up on a ranch, I never had a dog and my experience with any inside animals was minimal. My husband is an animal lover, to the point of insisting that on an outing in Missouri, we pray for an armadillo that had been wounded by a four-wheeler. With his big heart towards critters, he was quite disheartened when the subject of pets came up and I expressed boldly that I didn’t want them. They cost too much, ruin furniture and carpet, and are otherwise a cramp on freedom. It was an unspoken sore spot for the first several months of marriage. One day in March of 2008, for whatever reason, we were at a local animal shelter. To this day, I can’t remember how I was persuaded to even look at animals, other than to humor my husband’s need to cuddle something small and furry for a few minutes.

  While we were there, he quickly noticed two small puppies, scooped up the little female, and was playing with her as if she was his lon
g lost daughter. He looked at me with his own puppy dog eyes, and without a need for him to say a word verbally, I selfishly lashed back, “NO!” We left and went about our business for the day. The next morning, around 7 a.m., I woke with this sense that I had really hurt him. When I started pondering, I realized that I was being incredibly selfish. Marriage was about compromise, and that puppy was really cute. I woke him up a while later and said, “I think we should consider adopting that puppy.” He might as well have run out the door in his underpants; as he was so excited and almost panicky that someone else may get her. Off to the pound we went and yes, he did actually pause to put some pants on.

  Once we arrived and found that the puppy was still there, waiting for her long lost 6’ 2” non-furry father, we started the adoption process. Jason was rolling on the floor snuggling her, had already picked out the name Kitty because he thought it was funny, and I was left to ask all of the logical questions such as, “Is there a refund policy?” It’s notable that when Jason overheard my refund inquiry, I received the dirtiest look I had thus far in our relationship. Within an hour, we were out the door with our new baby girl. It took about a week, but I warmed up to Kitty and realized that I really did enjoy the annoyances that she brought to my daily routine. If my husband were writing this story, he would likely stop here and pronounce that the Divine intervention that occurred was that I became aware of my selfishness, but that isn’t the miracle that I have chosen to share.

  About six months later, I miraculously compromised on a kitten as well and named her Hana. Hana was an inside cat. We never let her outside and, because of the townhouse layout, she had almost no way of escaping. On a hot Saturday, in the fall of 2008, the day after Jason had knee surgery, we were both lounging around in the living room watching television. Kitty was outside in the very small backyard and Hana was upstairs sleeping on our bed, or so we thought. Jason and I were both startled when we heard a strange bang, only to look up and see Hana literally banging against the back door. The air conditioning was on, so there had been no windows or doors open, and we had been by the back door the entire morning so, to this day, we have no idea how she got outside.