Twleve Steps

by Veronica Bartles

  She clutches Mr. Cuddles, the giant, white teddy bear that Jarod gave her for her birthday last year. “He kissed me,” she whispers. “The day I gave him a ride home from school? Shane kissed me, and then he told me to pretend it never happened.”

  I clench my fists and fight the urge to punch something. Seriously, what is with these guys? It’s no wonder Shane and Jarod used to be best friends. They’re exactly alike!

  I think of the way Jarod looked at me when I caught him staring during the movie, and while we were eating those ridiculously huge brownie sundaes. I remember the way he held me, the way his lips pressed against mine … and the way he’s acted like nothing has changed between us ever since.

  At least Jarod wasn’t the first guy I’ve ever kissed. Laina’s been saving her virgin lips for that perfect, fairy tale moment. She was waiting for Prince Charming to ride in on a white horse and declare his undying love for her, guaranteeing a perfect happily-ever-after.

  It’s got to be killing her that her first kiss was with some other girl’s boyfriend.

  “So now you’re over him, right? Want me to kill him for you?”

  Laina laughs through her tears and shakes her head. “I don’t think that would help. Besides, it’s not his fault.” She buries her face in Mr. Cuddles’ tummy and her whole body shakes with sobs.

  I grab the teddy bear and pull it away from Laina’s face. It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to rip it out of her hands and tear its stupid smiling head right off its shoulders. The only thing that stops me is knowing that I would have to explain myself. And I’m not quite ready to announce that I’ve lost control of my own love life.

  I take a deep breath and unclench my jaw enough to speak. “Don’t tell me you still like that creep!”

  I’m such a hypocrite.

  But I don’t care. It’s one thing to let someone as perfect as Jarod mess with my head, when I know we have a genuine connection, and he might eventually come around. It’s another thing entirely for Laina, who could literally get any guy she wants, to allow a jerk like Shane to make her feel unimportant.

  “But what if it’s my fault?” Laina asks. “What if I’m a really, really bad kisser? What if he was going to dump Rachel for me, but then I kissed him and ruined everything?”

  “I thought he kissed you.”

  “Well, I kissed him back.” She buries her face in Mr. Cuddles’ fur again and screams.

  I grab the teddy bear from Laina and throw it across the room with as much force as I can manage. I smile when it hits the wall with a thump, and I imagine Jarod’s head slamming against the wall on top of that white, fluffy, teddy bear body. Laina shakes her head and jumps up to retrieve Mr. Cuddles.

  I resist the urge to throw him out the window.

  “Okay, you have to tell me everything,” I say. “Because we are totally not forgiving these guys—this guy—unless there’s a heck of a lot more to the story. He’d better have a terrific reason for hurting us—you—or he’s history!”

  Laina grabs her diary from her nightstand and opens it to the entry for February fifteenth. She hands it to me with a tired smile. “Here, I wrote it all down. You can read it.”

  I grab the book from her hands and settle back into a pile of pillows propped up against the wall to read. Laina isn’t kidding when she says she wrote it all down. She’s always so afraid that she might say or do the wrong thing that she keeps a super-detailed record of her life. She actually re-reads the conversations later and analyzes everything about them.

  The spiral notebook she hands me is worn and tattered, and already nearly full, even though a quick flip through the pages tells me she only started writing in this one eleven days ago.

  I used to sneak into Laina’s room to read her old diaries when she wasn’t home, because she fills them up so fast that there is always a new “old diary” full of juicy gossip to read. But she came home early one day and caught me, and so Dad built her a wooden box with a giant padlock on it, and Mom let her put a lock on her bedroom door, as long as she promised to only lock the door for privacy when she wasn’t home. Laina has never voluntarily let me read her diary before.

  I take a deep breath and slowly exhale, fighting to hide my excitement. Not that I really care about Laina’s first kiss. Knowing my sister, it was probably an innocent peck so insignificant that it wouldn’t even count for anyone but her. She’s not the type to get into a romance-novel-worthy make out session, but her perfectionist compulsions can create drama out of anything.

  The diary might have useful information about Jarod, though. Obviously, he hasn’t told her that he kissed me, because she would have said something by now, but maybe he’s said something that can give me a clue. I’m way better at analyzing boy language than Laina is. All I need is a little hint. And she has full conversations transcribed here, ready to analyze.

  “You realize I’ll have to read everything since the kiss too, right?” I ask. “Otherwise, I might not get a fully accurate picture of the situation.”

  Laina nods glumly and flops back against her pillows, crying into Mr. Cuddles while I read.

  I quickly skim through Laina’s detailed account of her conversation with Shane, which led to not only one but two amazingly steamy kisses that made my mini make out session with Jarod on the porch look tame. But when it really started to heat up, she got scared that Shane might push her too far, and she pulled away.

  He tried to apologize, but when he told her that she was “the most phenomenal girl” he had ever met, she assumed that he was only feeding her a lame pick-up line, and she made him get out of the car. His “we can pretend this never happened” sounds more like a desperate attempt to backtrack to a time when she wasn’t angry with him than his way of trying to forget that he kissed her. And after our conversation last Saturday, I’m willing to bet that Shane is totally in lust with Laina.

  Maybe even love.

  But in-between detailed descriptions of those kisses and her tortured analysis of his supposed lack of feelings, Laina keeps referring to “the incident with Anthony Matthews.” She compares Shane to Anthony and worries that Shane would have turned into “another Anthony” if she hadn’t stopped him soon enough. But she doesn’t explain “the incident” at all.

  “What happened with Anthony Matthews?”

  Laina shakes her head and refuses to look at me. “It’s not important.”

  Liar.

  I bite my lip and go back to reading, trying to piece together the puzzle with the few clues she’s left behind. Because the thing that happened with Anthony is definitely important. And I’m afraid it’s a much bigger deal than she wants me to believe.

  The entries for the days immediately following the kiss are basically useless. Laina mentions witnessing a fight between Shane and Rachel on the morning of the sixteenth. Then, she rambles on for pages about how Shane has been alternately ignoring her and staring at her like some creepy stalker ever since.

  There’s almost nothing about Jarod, except for when she whines about how she can’t confide in him about kissing Shane because the boys are still fighting and she doesn’t even know what their fight is about.

  Really? How can someone with a straight-A average since kindergarten be this stupid? I want to smack her with this book and tell her to wake up and make a choice already, because it isn’t fair to Rachel and me for her to keep stringing both boys along.

  I close the notebook and take a deep breath. There’s nothing in here that explains Laina’s overly melodramatic reaction to her first kiss. Nothing except the shiver-inducing cryptic comment scrawled at the bottom of the last entry. “Jarod warned me about guys like Anthony. He would be so disappointed if he knew I almost let it happen again.” Maybe this isn’t really about a kiss.

  “What happened with Anthony?”

  She glares at me. “Nothing.”

  “Oh, right, I already asked that, didn’t I?” I may not be able to ask directly, but my ditzy little sister act is usual
ly pretty effective when I want information. “So did anything else happen with Shane that day? Anything you forgot to write down?”

  She shakes her head. “No, that’s all. Every detail.”

  “He didn’t …” I hesitate. I’m not sure how to ask, without sounding like I’m talking to a two-year-old about Stranger Danger. “You just kissed, right? He didn’t say or do anything else?”

  “I wrote it all down.” She sighs. “It’s hopeless, isn’t it? We’re never going to be together.”

  “You may be right, but not for the reasons you think.”

  Laina sits up. “What?”

  I shake my head. “You are the most clueless person I know. Worse than any boy. Unless you’re leaving out a major piece of the puzzle, it’s obvious that Shane is totally in love with you. But you keep pushing him away. He’s going to give up on you eventually, if you refuse to even give him a chance. No guy is going to keep hanging around, waiting for you forever.”

  Except for Jarod.

  “But that kiss didn’t actually mean anything. Kendra told me—”

  “Kendra’s a witch!”

  Laina frowns. “She’s not afraid to go after what she wants. That doesn’t mean—”

  “No. I don’t care what the Witch said.” Kendra is a parasite who gets her kicks out of destroying people. She wormed her way into Laina’s life when someone (most likely Kendra herself) started spreading particularly nasty rumors about Laina back in junior high. Kendra publicly accused Rachel and Marsa, Laina’s two best friends, of spreading the rumors, and even though she didn’t have a shred of evidence, everyone believed her. She’s been slowly chipping away at Laina’s self-esteem ever since.

  “But what if—”

  “She’s wrong, and I can prove it.” I flip open Laina’s diary. She can’t argue with her own record. “February fifteenth, Shane kisses you and calls you the most phenomenal girl he’s ever met. Guys don’t say things like that!”

  She laughs and waves her hand dismissively. “Of course they do. Guys say crap like that all the time.”

  “Maybe they say things like that to you, because you are freaking phenomenal. But they don’t say it normal girls.”

  No, the rest of us get things like the phenomenal disappointment of being called by our perfect big sister’s names mere seconds after the most amazing kisses of our entire lives. I can’t decide if she’s being intentionally dense to fish for compliments, or if she really doesn’t know she has every guy in school salivating over her.

  I flip through the pages of her journal, looking for some proof that will make her believe me. “February sixteenth, Rachel and Shane are fighting and Rachel storms off when she sees you. February seventeenth, Shane stares at you all through chemistry class, but won’t talk to you. February eighteenth, he tries to steal and read your diary.”

  I look up. “Hello? Duh! He’s secretly in love with you and he can’t figure out what you want from him, so he’s desperately trying to figure it out.” I shrug. “Okay, so he conveniently forgot to break up with his current girlfriend before making out with you, but I think he has real feelings for you. Maybe you should give him a chance.”

  “But none of that really means anything,” Laina insists. “Shane and Rachel have been fighting practically since they started dating. That’s what insanely popular people do. And maybe Shane was staring because I had spinach in my teeth or something. And every guy I know tries to steal my diary. Shane’s just jumping on the bandwagon.”

  I toss the diary aside and pull out my sure-fire weapon. “Then explain to me why Emily told me at lunch today that Rachel thinks her boyfriend is in love with you.”

  Laina grimaces. “Emily loves spreading rumors, even if she has to make them up herself. You saw her campaign for Snow Queen. You know you can’t believe a word she says.”

  I bite my lip. Clearly, I need a different approach.

  “Well, even if Shane didn’t already want you, which he does even if you don’t believe me, he will by the time we’re through.” I grin. “You know how guys are all super competitive? All you have to do is get a boyfriend. As soon as you’re not available anymore, Shane will wake up and see what he’s been missing, and he’ll totally come running.”

  “Yeah, right. I’m not you, remember? I don’t want to hook up with the first guy to smile at me. Where am I supposed to find this amazing boyfriend in the first place?”

  Luckily, she has her face buried in Mr. Cuddles’ tummy again, so she doesn’t see the tear running down my cheek. She’s right. She’s not like me. She actually has a chance with the most perfect guy who ever lived, and Jarod will only ever see me as her little sister.

  She looks up and studies my face. “What did you say about Jarod?”

  Oops. I must have said that out loud. And now I have to say something quick or admit that I’m in love with her biggest fan.

  “Why not Jarod?” I ask, slipping on my cheerful, carefree voice. “He’s super-hot and totally sweet. I’d date him in a heartbeat, if he wanted me. You guys are always together anyway. Let him be your boyfriend.” Between my superior acting skills and Laina’s cluelessness, I totally pull off the I’m-not-in-love-with-your-best-friend charade.

  She scoffs. “It’s not like I can wave my magic wand and make him want me.”

  I point at Mr. Cuddles. “You don’t need a magic wand. Jarod’s totally in love with you.”

  Laina laughs and sets the teddy bear aside. “So now I have two hot boys who are secretly in love with me? Come on, Andi, this is real life, not some silly fairy tale.”

  I fold my arms and take a slow, deep breath, stifling the urge to seriously injure my poor, pathetic, perfect-yet-utterly-clueless, big sister.

  “No, you don’t have two boys who are secretly in love with you.”

  Her eyes widen and I realize I’m letting my emotions show again. I swallow and slip back into my carefree tone. “You have one boy, Shane, who is secretly in love with you, and one boy, Jarod, who tells you that he loves you every single day, but you totally blow him off. And yes, they’re both hot.”

  She laughs. “Whatever you say, little sister. Who am I to spoil your crazy delusions?”

  I give up.

  There’s no way I’m going to convince her. I need a new strategy.

  Again.

  I jump up with an excited squeal. “Oh my Gollum, Laina, you know what we need?”

  She blinks and then stares at me, her eyes wide with shock. I bounce up and down a few times for good measure to emphasize my “excitement.”

  “Remember when we were little and we used to play with Barbie dolls and go to the carnival, and we never even cared about what anyone else thought, because boys were yucky anyway, and we didn’t have to worry about trying to impress anyone?” I grab her hands and pull her off the bed. I continue bouncing until she’s grinning and bouncing right along with me. “Let’s do that again!”

  She stops bouncing and arches one eyebrow. “You want to play with Barbie?”

  I laugh. “I don’t need a Barbie doll. I live with the real-life version, remember?” I nudge her and she pushes me away. She hates the nickname, but that doesn’t make it any less true. “Tomorrow night. Let’s go out and have a totally crazy, girls-only night, where we pretend that guys are still yucky, cooties and all, and we don’t even care about what they think of us. We’ll be totally wild and get in all sorts of crazy trouble.”

  Laina nods slowly. “As long as we don’t get too wild. You can’t get me grounded.”

  “Don’t worry. It will all be Laina-approved fun. No actual reputations will be harmed in the making of this girls’ night.” I sit at her desk and pull out a sheet of paper. “All we need is a plan!”

  This has to work, because I’m totally out of new strategies, and the only thing worse than a perfect sister is a depressed Barbie doll.

  I write out a quick script for a night full of random silliness and clever word play that I know she’ll appreciate, and I show m
y “plan” to Laina. As soon as I have her approval on it, I hurry to my room, grabbing the phone and Mom’s laptop on my way. It’s time to turn this gibberish and nonsense into a real plan, and Shane Crawford is going to help me to do it. If all goes well tomorrow night, Laina and Shane will get together, she’ll be happy again, and Jarod will be free to pursue other interests. Like me.

  Shane answers his phone halfway through the first ring. “Alaina?” I can practically hear his heart pounding through the phone. He clears his throat and takes a deep breath. “I was just thinking about you,” he says in a soft, gravelly voice that makes even my heart skip a beat.

  “Nope. Try again, lover boy.”

  His disappointment resonates through the thick silence.

  “Oh. It’s her obnoxious social secretary, right? Listen, you don’t have to worry. I haven’t tried to talk to her. I’m working on something big.”

  “If you want to show Laina that you’re really sorry, I’m going to give you the perfect opportunity. Tomorrow night.”

  Shane lets loose a long string of profanity, and I hear something crash on his side of the line. I’m tempted to hang up on him, but this is too important. I finally have to push all of the buttons of the phone at once to catch his attention with a loud beep in his ear.

  “Um, Shane?” I say when his little temper tantrum finally winds down. “Yeah, that’s not really going to work in your favor. Laina has this thing about swearing, and she’s not going to hang around for long if you can’t control your mouth.” I sigh. “If seeing Laina tomorrow night is too much for you to handle, then we can forget this whole thing. You’re on your own.”

  “No, don’t hang up!” He takes a deep breath. “I want to talk to her. I do. But I have to work tomorrow night and I kind of need the hours.”

  “That’s perfect.” I grab a pencil and a blank sheet of paper, and then I pull the page of random gibberish out of my pocket. “Where do you work, and when?” My plan is generic enough to fit him into the narrative somewhere.

  “I’m working the closing shift at Burger Barn. From five to eleven. I should get a dinner break at seven-thirty, unless we’re still slammed with the Saturday night dinner crowd, in which case I won’t get my break until eight.”