by Rachel Hanna
“What are you doing here?”
Sophie took his lack of greeting in stride. “I’ve got time off work. Thought I would catch up with family.”
“Kay or Philip told you I was here.”
Sophie stared evenly at him. “Kay called me. She also told me that you didn’t want to see me.”
He didn’t deny it. “So why did you come then?”
“Just because you don’t want to see me doesn’t mean I am not allowed to visit my aunt and uncle.”
“So it’s just coincidence that you came here five weeks after I got back?”
“We were bound to run into each other at some point.”
“I don’t know what game you think you’re playing, Sophie, but you’re wasting your time here. You should just go back home.” He turned his back on her and continued shoveling. Hopefully if he ignored her she would leave. He heard footsteps a few moments later but rather than retreating, they advanced towards him. In his peripheral vision he saw Sophie step around him and walk towards Blizzard’s stall. Reaching her hand out, she gave the mare an affectionate scratch on her forehead.
“Hello, girl. It’s good to see you,” she murmured, rubbing the horse’s neck. Suddenly she gave an exclamation of delighted surprise. “And who is this?”
Tilting his head up, he watched the grin spreading on her face as she looked over the stall door. Turning back to face him, she looked at him questioningly. He decided that the quickest way to get rid of her was to answer her questions. “Her name is Obsidian.”
“Obsidian…that’s lovely.” Sophie turned back to look at the black foal that stood next to Blizzard. “How has Blizzard’s breeding been going?”
“Fine.” He continued to shovel, wanting to offer as little conversation as possible so she would get the hint and go.
Sophie stared at him for a while before stepping back from the stall. “Do you want a hand? It could be like old times again. I remember when we met I was the one shoveling horse manure.”
“No, I don’t want your help.”
“Are you sure? I don’t have anything else to do –“
“Sophie, don’t you get it?” he interrupted her. “I’m busy. I just want you to leave me alone so I can get on with this.”
Sophie watched him, an unreadable expression on her face, before she nodded slightly. “Okay. I’ll no doubt see you around while I’m here. I’m glad you’re home, Miller.” She stepped back around him and walked out the stables. He listened to her retreating footsteps and when he couldn’t hear them anymore he cursed under his breath and attacked the shoveling with a vengeance.
After the mucking out was done, he busied himself with other tasks around the ranch, ensuring he gave the main house a wide berth. At night he made a simple meal, completed a grueling hour-long weight lifting session and then fell into bed, praying as he did every night that his sleep would be uneventful. But the dream came. It always came. Except this time Sophie stood in the middle of the bodies, staring back at him was an accusatory glare. Lifting her hands up towards him to show the blood that coated them, her tone was cold as she murmured “Look at what you’ve done. They trusted you – and now they’re dead.”
Waking with a start he sat up in bed, pushing down the sheet that clung to his sweating body. It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream, he kept repeating to himself as his racing heartbeat slowed. But the problem was it wasn’t a dream. They were dead because of him.
Pushing out of bed, he moved to the front door and opened it, letting the night breeze cool him as he looked out upon the ranch. Heading back to the bedroom, he changed into a pair of sweatpants, pulled on his running shoes and a t-shirt and left the building. He ran for half an hour, traversing a trail he had walked countless times when he was a teenager. Returning home, he showered and then got back into bed but instead of sleeping he lay awake, staring at the ceiling. The ranch had been home. It should have been his refuge, somewhere he could put it all behind him and find some peace, but there was no peace to be found here. No matter how much he threw himself into work, he couldn’t forget. No matter how much he ran, he couldn’t outrun what he’d done.
***
Sophie watched the ranch hands in the distance as they moved the cattle from one pasture to another. She could just make out which rider was Miller and from this distance he looked like any normal ranch hand. Of course, appearances could be deceptive; it was something she had learned in her experience as a social worker.
She knew he would be returning back to his residence soon and then he would go for an evening run. She’d asked his parents, Kay and Philip about his general routine and he was certainly a creature of habit. His morning and evening runs were always at the same time, regardless of the weather or how much work he had to do or had done that day.
Timing it so she would arrive after he had finished his run and eaten dinner, she knocked on his door and waited. A short while later she heard movement before the door opened and Miller gazed at her suspiciously.
“Hi, I hope I’m not disturbing you.” She offered him a warm smile.
“Can I help you with something?”
“Yes, you can help me drink this.” She produced a bottle of wine from her bag.
“You want me to drink wine with you?”
“I want you to have a welcome home drink with an old friend.” She looked at him expectantly. “So can I come in?”
He looked like he was trying to come up with an excuse but unable to think of anything he simply responded with “I’m busy.”
“Well surely you can drink while you’re doing whatever it is that you’re doing.”
“That doesn’t make for a social drinking companion.”
“That’s fine. I’ll wait until you’re done.”
“Look, Sophie, I’m tired. I’ve had a long day…”
“You said you were busy. Which is it, busy or tired?”
“It’s both,” he snapped.
“You know, you never used to be so irritable all the time.”
“You never used to be so aggravating…oh wait, yes you did.”
“That was a long time ago,” she smiled sweetly but he could see the look of determination on her face, “now I’m just persistent.”
Miller leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms across his chest. “You’re a social worker.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
He pierced her with an assessing gaze. “So am I meant to be your new social project?”
“I don’t consider any of the people I work with as projects.”
“But you want to work with me.”
“Right now I just want to find out how you are. Look, Miller, I’ll be straight with you.”
“Finally.”
She ignored his comment. “Everybody is worried about you. Your parents, Aunt Kay and Uncle Philip. They say that something is the matter with you, that you keep to yourself and don’t interact with anyone unless you absolutely have to. They say you’re working too hard.”
“It’s a ranch. You know ranches involve hard work, Sophie.”
“I’m just telling you what they told me. They thought you might appreciate a visit from a friend, so I’m here. If you want to pacify everyone, let me spend time with you and show me there’s nothing wrong. Then I’ll go home and you can get on with things without people worrying all the time about you. It’s the most hassle-free option you’ve got.”
“No, the most hassle-free option is to close the door.”
“Are you that scared of having a drink with me?”
Miller glared at her and for a few moments she thought he would slam the door in her face but he eventually relented and stepped aside. Sophie walked inside and paused to survey the small den as he closed the door and walked past her. “The kitchen is this way.” He continued walking and she followed him. The kitchen, like the den, was meticulously neat and Spartan; no doubt a military influence. She placed her bag and the wine on the table and watched him as he re
trieved glasses, opened the bottle and poured the contents into the glasses before placing one in front of her.
“Welcome home, Miller.” She raised her glass to his but couldn’t mistake his bitter smile as he clinked his glass with hers before taking a drink.
“So were you really busy with something or just trying to get rid of me?”
“I was busy.” Miller leaned against the counter as he indicated a pile of papers. Sophie moved over to them and read the top one, a printout of details of a ranch for sale.
“You’re looking at ranches to buy.” She lifted the first few sheets, skimming over the details. “Any potentials?”
“Not really.”
Sophie glanced at him. “Not feeling overly talkative, are you?”
“What would you like me to say?”
“What would you like to say?”
He laughed. “Is this the psychoanalyzing part? Isn’t it meant to be shrinks that do this?”
“I’m trained in counseling.”
“For soldiers?”
“I work with children.”
“Not exactly the same thing, Sophie.”
“I know that. I told Aunt Kay that but she still wanted me to come. To be honest, Miller, if you do have psychological trauma of some sort – and I’m not saying you do – I’m not the best person to try and help you. Do you mind if we sit down?”
“So you can ask me questions?”
“No, because I’ve been on my feet all day. Drinking wine requires somewhere relaxing. Can we go through to your den?”
He didn’t say anything but instead led the way to the den and sat down. There was only one couch to sit on so Sophie sat down next to him. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes. He obviously wasn’t sleeping well, which could indicate troubling dreams. They looked at each other, neither one speaking, until Sophie eventually broke the silence. “You know, you’re not really helping your case here. How about you ask me some questions instead of me trying to start a conversation?”
He took a long drink of wine before staring at her. “Small talk it is then. Hmm…do you like your job?”
“Yes, very much. It can be very difficult at times, frustrating and emotionally draining, long hours, but the rewards far outweigh the negatives.”
“How are your parents?”
“Fine. My dad is still in San Francisco. My mom remarried two years ago. Her husband, Peter, is a good guy.”
“Do you think it’ll last second time round?”
“Things seem to be going well so far. I think it will.”
“Is Abby staying out of trouble?”
Sophie laughed. “Well she still likes to party hard but yes, she’s doing well. She’s currently dating a very nice lawyer who adores her.”
“Are you seeing anybody?”
“No, not at the moment.”
“So how am I doing?”
Sophie considered him over the top of her wine glass. “Better than you were. I’m not convinced yet though.”
“So how do I convince you?”
“You could tell me about your time in the army.”
He looked away briefly before returning her stare. “So what do you want to know?”
“Where were you stationed?”
“Different places. North Africa, various parts of Asia and the Middle East. I went where the army needed me to go.”
“Did you make any good friends?”
“Yes.” A blank expression fell over his face. “They were more than friends. They were like brothers.”
Past tense…potentially the deaths of close friends? Sophie stowed the thought away as she continued to engage him in conversation. “I loved getting your letters and emails.”
“Few and far between.”
“That didn’t matter. I knew you couldn’t communicate often. I hope all my letters reached you.”
“Difficult to say. Military mail isn’t exactly as reliable as regular mail.” He finished his wine and refilled his glass before topping Sophie’s up.
“I missed you, Miller. I worried about you every day.”
“Well here I am, back in one piece.” There was an undeniable tone of anger in his voice, though he opted to change the subject. “You know, for someone who wants to drink wine, you’re not drinking very much.”
“Sorry, I’ll try harder.” Sophie smiled and took several sips. “So are you seeing anybody at the moment?”
“No. I had a few short-term relationships, if you could even call them that, while I was in the army. But life in the military isn’t exactly conducive to relationships. You of all people should know that.”
Both of them were silent. Sophie couldn’t help thinking back to the time they had slept together. They had remained friends afterward but Sophie had to admit that it had been harder than she had reckoned to subsequently sleep with other people. What she hadn’t told Miller back then was that he was her first love. She couldn’t help but compare every guy she dated with Miller and eventually she had to force herself to make a proper effort with relationships. Once she started to make the effort though, it became increasingly easy to accept invitations to go on dates. Some of the people she had gotten along well with, well enough that they had become a couple. Others hadn’t progressed past a single date. She had slept with a few guys and enjoyed the sex but at present she had no desire to settle down with anyone and was perfectly content to be single.
“I agree with you, Miller. I just thought I would ask, since it’s not impossible.”
“So how come you aren’t in a relationship?” He leaned back against the couch, stretching his arm across the top as he eyed her contemplatively.
“Is there a reason I should be?”
“You’re smart, beautiful, holding down a steady job; I don’t really see a reason why people wouldn’t want to be dating you.”
“Maybe in their opinion I’m too aggravating.” She smirked impudently at him.
“Yeah, that could be it. You were quite the handful.”
“Well you figured out how to get along with me.”
“Well I’m not the kind of guy to back down from a fight.”
“I suppose that’s true.” She grinned suddenly.
“What?”
“I’m just remembering when you hauled me over your shoulder on Christmas and carted me all the way back to the house.”
“You were kicking and screaming all the way.” Miller laughed softly in spite of himself.
“I was so pissed off at you using brute strength. It felt so unfair. I probably would have bitten you if I could have reached. Hey, I was high.” Sophie shrugged at Miller’s amused stare.
“I would have dropped you if you’d tried to bite me.”
“No you wouldn’t have,” Sophie replied confidently.
“What makes you so sure?”
“Even when you were so mad at me, you still offered me your coat because it was cold. You wouldn’t do something like dropping me.”
“No, you’re probably right. I would have likely just spanked your ass.”
Sophie grinned. “No, you were way too much of a gentleman to do anything like that.”
“Trust me, I wasn’t thinking gentlemanly thoughts that day. Any excuse to touch you would have been justified.”
Sophie looked at him in surprise before declaring in a half-laughing, half-indignant tone “Oh you liar! Playing it cool all that time when you were secretly into me!”
“I never lied about it. You just never asked. Besides, you already frustrated the hell out of me at times. Why would I have given you even more leverage?” He shrugged before handing her his glass. “Here, you finish this. I’m not much of a wine person.” He stood up and went to a cabinet, retrieving a bottle of whiskey and a glass before coming to sit back down again.
Sophie glanced at the bottle. “Is that your drink of choice?”
“Tonight it is.” He poured some of the honey-colored spirit into the glass and took a sip. The topic of conversation
moved back round to Sophie’s work. When the wine was finished, Sophie accepted some whiskey and they progressed to how the horse-breeding was coming along. Miller informed her that Blizzard had had three foals during the time Miller had been on active duty, all of which had sold well and contributed to his savings.
“So what kind of place are you looking for?” Sophie asked. She was feeling very warm and relaxed, with her head nestled back against the couch cushion.
“Some place like here, I guess, with the potential to expand as necessary. I like this area. It would be good if a place came up for sale nearby.”
“That would be nice.” Sophie smiled and closed her eyes. A few seconds later she felt a dip in the back of the couch and when she opened her eyes and turned to face the movement she saw Miller had slung his arm back along the top of the couch and was stroking strands of her hair between his fingers.
“I’ve always loved your hair, Soph,” he murmured, continuing to rub it gently. “I used to think about it when I was hunkered down somewhere cold and wet and uncomfortable. I used to try and remember how soft it felt.”
“Did you miss me, Miller?”
“You were my closest friend. Of course I missed you.”
“Then why didn’t you want me to know you were finished your service and back home?”
He let go of her hair and dropped his hand to his side, a stony expression coming over his face. “I’m not the same person I was when we were teenagers.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to be.” She reached for his hand and rested her fingers lightly on top of it. “Miller, tell me what’s wrong.”
He pulled his hand out from under hers. “Why does something have to be wrong? Maybe I just want some time to settle in. I’ve been a soldier for six years. It’s not easy to just fall back into my old life.”
“Let me help you.”
“And how do you propose to do that? By drinking alcohol with me and talking into the early hours of the morning? Why did you come here, Sophie? Was it to get me drunk so that I would spill all my secrets to you? If that’s your plan, you didn’t bring nearly enough alcohol.”
