by Dayo Benson
Jace was giving me this really condescending (in a negative way) smile as a million thoughts rushed through my mind and my eyes darted nervously around the room. “Relax, girl.”
Relax? I felt claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in and I was going to be trapped there forever.
I plonked myself onto the black sofa and tried not to look as cagey as I felt. Jace was a Christian. Nothing was going to happen.
“Are you worried that we might do what we nearly did last time?” Jace asked.
“No.” I knew I didn’t sound convincing.
“Yes, you are,” Jace accused.
“I’m not. You’re a Christian, so I’m safe, right?”
“Right.” Jace removed his shirt and tossed it over the back of the sofa. He had one of his beloved muscle vests on underneath. “But I don’t know if I really am a Christian. If I am, I’m a lousy one, but I’ll think about that tomorrow when I go to church.”
I relaxed a little. I wasn’t scared of having sex. I was scared of getting hurt again.
Jace picked up a remote, and I thought he was switching on his wall/TV thing, but the lights dimmed and soft music swirled into the room from speakers I couldn’t locate. I stood up with my purse.
“What?” Jace asked.
“You’re making me nervous.”
Jace roared with laughter, and I glared at him. This wasn’t funny. I felt tears prick in the corners of my eyes. I needed to get out of there.
Jace must have realized that I really wasn’t finding this amusing, because the lights brightened and he stopped laughing. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Where’s the bathroom?” I demanded. He pointed at a door, and I went to lock myself away, my vision blurred by unshed tears.
I leaned against the closed door and shut my eyes. What was up with me? Why on earth was I crying? How lame!
Even as I willed myself to stop crying, I couldn’t. After a while, there was a knock on the door. I didn’t answer.
“Lexi?” Jace called. “Open up.”
I felt silly. I’d made a big deal out of nothing, and now, I felt too embarrassed to come out.
“Are you dumping in there or something?”
I wiped my eyes and flung the door open. “Of course not.”
Jace gave me a penitent look. “I’m sorry, Lexi. I wasn’t trying to make you feel uncomfortable or anything. I was just fooling around. I’ll take you home if you want.”
I really wanted to go home, but I didn’t want Jace to feel guilty. “No, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was just having a moment.”
Jace’s eyes cleared like something had clicked in his mind. “I keep forgetting that I need to take things easy with you, especially since it’s just a week after the memorial and everything. Sorry, Lexi, I’m a jerk.”
“True, but I forgive you.” I pushed past him and went back to the den. I dropped my purse onto the sofa. “You haven’t even offered me a drink either.”
“What do you want?”
“Just water. I’m easy to please.”
Jace grinned and led me to his kitchen, which looked new and untouched. Everything was sterile and sparkling. There was a picture on the fridge that caught my eye. I walked over and looked at it. It was a young couple posing with their arms around each other and both smiling into the camera. At first I thought the guy was Jace, but when I looked closer, it wasn’t him. “Who are they?”
Jace looked at the picture and gave me a funny smile. He didn’t say anything.
“Do they have a secret identity that you’re not allowed to reveal?” I asked when he remained silent.
“They’re my parents.”
“Oh.” I opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water. It was just as well that I’d asked for water, because that was all he had. Disappointing actually, but then he was into fitness, so understandable. “So are your parents home? Do I ever get to meet them or at least see them?”
“You’ll probably meet my aunt and uncle, but you won’t meet my parents.”
“Why not?”
Jace didn’t answer.
I looked at the picture again when I shut the fridge. It was really cute. Jace looked so much like his dad, and his mom was really pretty with her bronze complexion and tumbling curls.
I led the way back to the den, and we sat on the sofa. “Why’ve you gone all quiet on me?” I asked Jace.
“I haven’t.” He switched the TV on, and the wall lit up.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
I opened my water and took a long gulp, not taking my eyes off him.
“I know I’m hot, but could you try not to stare?” Jace quipped, his eyes fixed on the TV.
“How do you know I’m staring at you?”
He looked at me, and I quickly averted my eyes. He chuckled softly and took my hand. “My parents are dead.”
I was taken aback. “Really?”
“That’s why I live here with my aunt and uncle. They adopted me when my mom and dad died”
“When did they die?”
“When I was two.” Jace squeezed my hand and grinned. “Look at you feeling all sorry for me. I’m fine, okay? I don’t even remember anything about them.”
“How did they die?”
“Car crash in India. They were on vacation celebrating their first wedding anniversary.”
“That’s awful. My dad died in a car crash too.”
We were both quiet for a moment. Jace clicked off the TV and leaned back into the sofa. “I guess it’s good that it wasn’t Tanya’s mom who adopted me. Me and Tanya would’ve killed each other by now. She’s great, but we drive each other crazy when we spend too much time together.”
“How come you never told me all this before?”
“Why would you want to know?”
“Because I’m your friend?”
“Are you?” Jace smiled. “I don’t really talk about it.”
I interlinked our fingers. “So what do you usually say when people ask you about the picture on your fridge?”
“I don’t bring people here.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“What about when you bring girls?”
Jace laughed. “I don’t bring girls.”
“Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. Don’t believe everything you hear about me. Most of it isn’t true.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Well, you should. I don’t know why I have the reputation I have.”
I put Jace’s arm around my shoulders. Somehow, I believed him even though it was hard to believe. “It’s because you’re cute. Cute guys always have a bad reputation.”
***
Jace dropped me home around two in the morning. I checked on my mom. She was fast asleep, and that annoyed me. Wasn’t she supposed to be worried about me? Shouldn’t she have been calling my phone asking where I was? I stomped to my room in annoyance.
I stripped and donned an old T-shirt of my dad’s and then rolled into bed. Jace called me to say goodnight, but we ended up talking for close to two hours.
Chapter 37
Aunt Milly banged into my room on Sunday afternoon, dragging me from a dream about Jace telling me he loved me in spite of my roots showing under the blond. I opened my eyes and squinted up at her.
“Lexi, how can you still be sleeping at one o’ clock on the Lord’s Day?” she berated, standing over me.
All I could see was her huge boobs. I sat up. “I’m awake.”
“Look at my hair.” She tossed her head, and her straight dark tresses flew over her shoulder.
“Ooh, very nice.” I smiled. “You look pretty.”
“Why do you sound surprised?”
“Because it’s such a dramatic change.” The truth was, I’d never seen her look pretty. Her hair was usually spattered with gray and tied back in a bun with a net reminiscent of the cauls of the Elizabethan age.
“You
r mom just did it.”
“So you finally gave in.” My mom had been trying to get her hands on Aunt Milly’s hair for months.
“She said she’d come to church next week if I let her do it.”
I gave Aunt Milly the most bored look I could manage. She grinned at me, used to my coldness, grabbed my arm, and pulled me off the bed. “Go and get washed up; we’re going out for lunch.”
I shrugged her arm off. “I don’t want to go out for lunch.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to hang out with you and my mom.”
“We’re not hanging out. We’re having lunch.”
“Same difference.” I stretched and yawned loudly. Jace Washington was so hot. I smiled at Aunt Milly. “I have a new boyfriend. He’s gorgeous.”
“Please save sex for marriage, Lexi,” she said exiting my room.
I followed her down the stairs to the kitchen and put two slices of bread in the toaster. My mom was stacking the dishwasher. “I was at his place last night. I didn’t get home till two in the morning,” I told Aunt Milly, mainly for my mom’s benefit.
My mom looked up. “His place until two in the morning? Does ‘his’ have a name?”
I thought better of telling her that I was at Jace’s place. “Just joking, I was with Monica.”
My mom looked at Aunt Milly. “I told you she’s been getting wild since her dad died.” The doorbell rang, and Aunt Milly went to get it. My mom gave me a hard look. “You were with Jace, weren’t you?”
“Jace? Why would you think that?”
“I’m your mother, okay? I can read you. I’m smart enough to read your diary too.”
“What!”
“Yeah, I haven’t had time to read it since the memorial though, but I know how crazy you are about him. You better get over it.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “You read my diary?”
My mom shut the dishwasher. “You know what? If he dumps you again, I’ll have no sympathy for you, because you’re being pathetic,” she snarled. “And if I see Jace at this house, I’m going to chase him out. Just don’t even bother to bring him here.”
Just then, Aunt Milly and Jace walked into the kitchen. Jace looked like he’d heard his name, but his expression gave nothing away. Aunt Milly just pursed her lips and looked out the window.
We were all quiet for a moment then Jace turned on his heel and walked out. I covered my face. “Mom, I hate you.”
My mom went after him, and Aunt Milly slung her hair over her shoulder in an over-contrived gesture. "You shouldn't speak to your mom like that, Lexi."
“Whatever.”
“She’s just trying to protect you.”
I didn’t bother telling her that my mom was never around. I’d barely seen her in the past month apart from last weekend when we went for my dad’s memorial; and I was supposed to believe that she was trying to protect me? Yeah, right. It was every woman for herself in this house.
My mom and Jace returned, and it dawned on me that I was still wearing nothing but my dad’s shirt. Jace came over and hugged me.
“What are we doing today?” I asked him.
“Anything you want to do.”
“My mom and her sis are going for lunch. Shall we just stay home?”
“Okay.”
“Don't I know you?” Aunt Milly piped up, giving Jace the size up.
“I don’t think so.”
“Aren’t you Tanya’s cousin? Haven’t I seen you at Bridge Community?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Well, you should be preaching to Lexi then, not making her feel comfortable in her ungodliness.”
“He’s preached to me lots of times,” I countered. “C’mon Jace.” I pulled Jace out of the kitchen and started up the stairs. “What did my mom say?” I asked when we got to my room.
Jace’s arms went round me again. “That I better watch my back if I hurt you again.”
How embarrassing. I decided to change the subject. “How was church this morning?”
“I didn’t go.”
I pulled back slightly and tutted. “Wait until Tanya and all your Christian buddies get a hold of you,” I warned him playfully.
“I know,” he groaned. “I’ll jump that hurdle when the time comes.”
***
On Monday morning, I woke up feeling like all was right in my world. I went to school with a cheerfulness I hadn’t felt in ages. I remembered that I had to tell Carl it was over and that put a damper on my mood a little. What was I going to say? I obviously couldn’t tell him I was back with Jace.
I pulled into the parking lot and saw Monica and Tanya getting out of Tanya’s car. I parked a few bays from them and went over. They were talking about Jace.
“I didn’t see him yesterday, and I didn’t see him on Friday either,” Monica was saying. “I hope he’s okay.”
“You got anything to say about that?” Tanya asked me.
I feigned innocence. “Huh?”
“You and Jace got back together,” she accused.
“He came to me, okay?” I informed her.
Tanya’s lips compressed into a thin line. “I went to see him yesterday after church,” she told Monica. “And he didn’t get home from Lexi’s till eleven.”
“So is he not a Christian anymore?” Monica asked.
“I don’t know. I told him what I thought of him though.”
I walked off to school. These girls had issues. When I got to my locker, Jace was waiting for me. The look in his eyes told me something was wrong, and I just knew. My heart sank.
“Lexi,” he began.
“It’s okay. Save it.”
Jace looked defeated. “Please just let me apologize at least. I’m so sorry for playing you like this, but I’ve realized I can’t do this. I was just going through a rough patch and I let my feelings for you confuse me.”
I opened my locker. “You don’t have to explain anything, Jace.”
“Well, I’m sorry.” He touched my arm. “I really am. I do miss you, but I won’t bother you anymore.”
Wow, that makes me feel just great! My locker was empty apart from the lone economics textbook. I was sure I owed a fine now for not returning it to the library. “Does this have anything to do with Tanya’s visit yesterday?” I removed my jacket and shoved it into the locker and shut it.
“Yeah, she talked some sense into me, and I really regret what I did.”
I walked off leaving Jace staring after me. I could feel the fury bubbling up inside me. I hated Jace. I really hated him! I walked into a bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I wasn’t going to be upset. I wasn’t going to let it hurt me. I wasn’t going to cry.
By the time the bell rang for the start of classes, I had succeeded in pushing Jace out of my mind. I’d cried over him enough. He just wasn’t worth it.
It was hard though, because for the rest of the day, whenever I ran into him, he was with Andrea. After school, I went to the mall for a while, hoping that some retail therapy would do me good. It didn’t.
When I got home, I took out my journal from its new hiding place under a shoebox in my fifth closet. I wondered if my mom had read up to the part about Christmas Eve. She was out of line.
The more I thought about life, the more hopeless I felt. I felt like there was nothing worth living for, like everything was just a waste of time. I needed to outline what made me happy. I needed to give myself a reason to live, because I was sick of being down and depressed. If I felt there was no purpose to my life, I could create a purpose for myself.
My hand flew across the blank pages of my journal as I poured my heart out. I was fed up. I wanted to just give up. Okay, Jace dumping me wasn’t that big a deal. It was just one of the factors that contributed to my despair.
I needed goals, I told my journal. I needed a reason. I turned the page and stared at the new blank page. My mom’s escape was her work. Maybe I needed to do that. Put all my energy into my career and forget ever
ything else. I wanted to be a journalist, but I wasn’t really that passionate about it. My real passion was to really make it as a model.
I started writing again. Who said I couldn’t go all the way and become a supermodel? Why did I have to do it as a semi serious hobby? I could do it professionally. I could do it full time. I could be established.
“I’m going put everything into being a model,” I said aloud. “I’m gonna make myself make it.” If it meant men’s mags and lingerie ads that my mom would hate, so what? I was going to do whatever it took to get to the top and nothing was going to stand in the way of my success.
The doorbell rang, and I walked over to my window. Tanya’s car was outside. I picked up my cell phone and called her. “What do you want?”
“Open up. I brought you food.”
“Huh?”
“A twelve-inch Margherita.”
Sheesh, she knew me better than I thought. How could I say no to that? I went to open the door. “How did you know I need food?” I asked her, receiving the pizza box. It smelled so good. Tanya’s hair looked great. She’d had it straightened, and she’d had bangs done.
She winked. “I’ve had a guy I like dump me before too. I know how it is.” She blew her bangs out of her eyes. “Anyway, I’m off to pick Monica up from the library. You take it easy, okay?”
“Okay.” I shut the door and went to my room. Tanya had brought me pizza, how bizarre. I didn’t like the girl one bit, but truth be told she was probably the only Christian person I knew that I had any kind of respect for. I’d never heard her gossiping like Michelle still did, or saying mean things like Monica still did. She certainly wasn’t a yo-yo like Jace was, and she wasn’t loud and obnoxious like Aunt Milly.
Five minutes later, my doorbell rang again. It was Carl this time. I wasn’t in the mood to see him, but my car was in the drive, so he knew I was in. I hid my journal in its new hiding place and went to let him in.
I guessed he was still my boyfriend since Jace and I were over. Again.
Chapter 38
Easter was coming up, which meant the finals weren't far off now. I got to school the first Monday in April, and there were posters everywhere advertising a video event that the Christian Union was holding. “Come and learn what Easter is really all about!” it invited. I didn’t think so.
