by Dayo Benson
“Did I do something?” Jace asked.
“She just wants to be alone.” I sat by the window, and Monica sat next to me. Thankfully, Jace sat opposite Monica rather than opposite me.
I went to check on my mom about halfway through the journey and found her in first class. She was crying. It broke my heart, but I didn’t know what to do. I asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee or anything. She didn’t, so I returned to my seat. My own eyes started filling up. I wiped the tears away before they could fall.
“Oh, Lexi!” Monica reached for my wet hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay, Lexi. Don’t worry. We’ll get to the service in time and everything will be okay.”
Jace leaned forward. “Do you want me to get you anything?”
“No, I’m fine.” I covered my face in embarrassment. “Sorry for crying.”
Monica’s grip on my hand tightened. “Don’t be silly.”
Jace opened his small travel bag and pulled out a packet of Kleenex. “All yours so go ahead and cry.”
Now, I thought that was really sweet, but this was Jace. I was refusing to think anything positive about him lest I get wrapped around his little finger again. I yanked a couple tissues from the packet and patted my eyes. No need to be careful about my makeup, it was now more than ten hours old and couldn’t be looking that great anyway.
Monica let go of my hand and put her arm across my shoulders. “We’re going to get you through this. That’s why we’re here so that you don’t have to face this alone.”
A lump rose in my throat, and I choked back more tears. I began to appreciate their presence; well, Monica’s anyway. Okay, so they were rich enough to book flights at the drop of a hat, but still, they didn’t have to. It would have been awful if I’d been alone with my mom, especially with her preferring her own company.
I showed them some pictures of my dad on my phone. Jace told me I was an extremely hot female version of my dad. I rolled my eyes like I thought he was silly, but I had to suppress the flutter in my heart. Jace would say anything to make me feel better right now. It didn’t mean he wanted us to get back together. I had to continually remind myself about that.
My mom sent me a text saying that the service had been moved to four p.m. She’d contacted my dad’s family and negotiated with them. I guessed she didn’t feel up to seeing everyone just yet and needed a couple hours to get herself together.
When we finally arrived at Liverpool Lime Street Station, we checked in to a nearby hotel. My mom had turned down offers from my dad’s family to host us. I was glad. Any seedy hotel was better than staying with any of them.
Chapter 34
I was alone in my hotel room. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I had considered asking my mom whether I could stay behind and not go to the memorial service. I knew she would say yes, but it wouldn’t be fair to let her go alone.
I rolled over onto my side. I’d been lying there for hours, exhausted but unable to sleep.
There was a knock on my door, and I just knew it was Jace. I didn’t answer. He knocked again, and I wiped away every trace of tears from my eyes before I answered. “Who is it, and what do you want?”
“Can I come in?” Jace’s voice came from the other side of the door.
“It’s open.”
Jace came in and shut the door behind him. He was wearing an impeccable black suit, probably an Italian designer, a gray shirt, and black tie. “We’re leaving in half an hour. Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Why do you always give me that look?”
“What look?”
“That ‘I hate you’ look.”
I looked away from him and he came and sat on the bed. “Can we just sort this out once and for all? I know it’s probably really selfish of me to do this when you’ve got lots on your mind, but we need to talk.”
No we didn’t.
“Our friendship doesn’t have to be over,” Jace continued. “Why can’t we just put everything behind us and be friends?”
I sat up. “I guess I better start getting ready.”
“Stop ignoring me, Lexi. On the airplane you asked me what I want from you.” Jace looked me in the eyes and I couldn’t meet his direct gaze. “I want to be friends. We don’t have to be weird with each other.”
My mom burst into the room. “Lexi, here’s your dress—” She trailed off when she saw Jace, and she gave him a look I’d never seen her give anyone before. He took the hint and left the room. “What was he saying?” My mom asked, shutting the door behind him.
“Nothing.” I stood up from the bed and crossed the room to take the black dress from her.
She looked at me searchingly, her eyes filled with concern. “He better not be trying to hurt my baby again. Do you want me to sort him out?”
I gave my mom a small smile. “No, he was just seeing if I’m okay.” I tossed the dress onto the bed and took my makeup bag out of my purse.
“I found it a bit funny the way he showed up at the airport with Monica and said he was coming too. Is he trying to get back with you?”
“No. I really don’t know why he came.” I used a sponge applicator to cover my face with cream foundation and then added a dusting of powder foundation. “Maybe it’s because he’s a Christian now. You know how Aunt Milly never gives us a moment’s breathing space because she’s showing us ‘Christian love?’ I think it might be something like that.”
***
The memorial service was terrible. It was held in my dad’s church, and half the hall was filled with people we didn’t know. He’d attended church every once in a while, so although he couldn’t exactly be called a churchgoer, he did have a church. I had never accompanied him, neither had my mom. And he’d never asked us to.
My mom and I cried throughout the service. Monica and Jace sat with us and supplied us with tissues. My mom was so upset that she couldn’t even give her speech. I had to read it out for her.
The service lasted only an hour, but it felt like an eternity. I felt haunted by all the enlarged pictures of my dad and wished someone would take them down. It was torture. We left immediately after the service before anybody could come and try to talk to us.
When we got back to our hotel, my mom told us to pack up our things to return to LA.
“So we’re definitely leaving tonight?” I asked her. “Are you sure you’re not going to church with them tomorrow?”
She gave me a guilty look. “I feel bad about leaving, but I knew I’d feel bad. That’s why I booked our flight in advance so that we have to leave whether I feel bad or not.” She sniffed, and Monica passed her a tissue. “Our train is in forty minutes, so let’s get moving.”
We all went to get changed out of our formal clothes, and then the whole ordeal began again. I was glad at my mom’s decision to leave. If we stayed, tomorrow would just be another day of tears. Besides, I didn’t want to be around my dad’s family another second. If they didn’t like my mom, I didn’t like them.
Chapter 35
Michelle burst out of the bathroom and was about to saunter away to her next class when she saw me, Monica, and Tanya standing by my locker. “Lexi,” she trilled, bubbling over to us. She gave me a dazzling smile and held her hand out. “Am I freezing or am I freezing!” she squealed.
I blinked at her, unable to process anything. I’d spent Monday in bed, so my brain cells should have been adequately refreshed. It didn’t seem that they were.
She waved her left hand before my eyes, and I got it! There, on her ring finger, sat an enormous two carat diamond, and the impeccable cut gave it away as Tiffany’s. I forgot that I was supposed to be wallowing. “He didn’t!”
“He did!” Michelle squealed.
“You’re kidding me.”
“I’m not!”
Monica and Tanya grinned. They had obviously already been acquainted with the happy news.
“Matt asked you to marry him?”
“Yes.” Michelle fa
nned herself regally with her hand. “He got down on one knee and everything. I couldn’t believe it. I still feel like I’m dreaming.”
Weren’t we a little young to be getting married? “So, have you set a date?”
“Not yet. It’s not going to be for a while.”
I looked at the ring. “Wow.” It really was beautiful. Matt had taste. “I didn’t even know you guys were dating,” I lied.
“We weren’t.”
“Then how did this ring come about?”
“Well, we’ve been courting, because that’s a little more focused and less recreational, and on Saturday at church, he said to me in front of everyone that he’s ready to make a commitment.” She looked at Tanya. “Wasn’t it so sweet?”
Tanya smiled her confirmation.
“Isn’t this kind of fast, though?” I asked.
“Yeah.” Michelle twisted the ring around her finger with her thumb. “I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes. Where’ve you been anyway?”
“I’ve been around.”
Michelle looked at my hair. “You need to sort out your roots.”
“I know.” Actually I was fed up of being blond now. I needed my dark hair back.
“Well, I have geography now, so gotta run,” Michelle told me.
“Okay, see you later.”
Michelle skipped away, and I looked at Monica and Tanya.
Monica grinned. “I’m still waiting for Liam to get saved and propose to me.” She looked up. “Hurry up, God.”
I felt for my car keys in my jacket pocket. “You guys don’t have to come home with me. I’ll be fine.” I didn’t want to go to my afternoon classes, and Monica and Tanya were taking it upon themselves to ‘be there’ for me. Sometimes, you just wanted to be alone, and now was one of those times, but I couldn’t get rid of them.
“We’ll follow you home to make sure you get there okay, and then we’ll come back to school,” Tanya insisted.
“Why wouldn’t I get home okay?”
“Because you’re daydreaming a lot. You keep getting this vacant look in your eyes,” Monica supplied. “Personally, I think you’re a danger to the public if you drive alone.”
“Whatever, Monica.”
“Let’s go,” Monica said, grabbing my hand. I let her walk me to the parking lot, and she hopped into the passenger seat of my car. I drove home, and Tanya followed in her car. When we got to my house, Monica went to join Tanya in her car, and they went back to school.
I watched them drive away, shaking my head in amusement.
***
For the rest of the week, I forced myself to stay at school, even when I felt like going home. I couldn’t wait for the weekend, and when Friday finally came, I was so happy. I left my literature class as soon as the bell rang even though the teacher was still talking. I ignored him when he called me to come back. The bell had rung hadn’t it? I was a free woman.
It was raining outside. I ran across the parking lot to my car so that my hair wouldn’t get too wet. Frizzy hair was the last thing I needed to be dealing with at this point in time.
I knew my mom would be working late, again, so I bought pizza on my way home. Pizza and Coke had become my daily diet. My agency would freak if they found out.
When I got home, I changed my clothes and then went downstairs and sprawled out on the couch with my pizza, watching TV with unseeing eyes. I understood how Monica had taken an overdose. I’d thought she was crazy, but now, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. What exactly was I living for? What was the point of my life? In fact, what was the point of anybody’s life? We lived. We died. That was it.
I switched to the fashion channel, hoping it would distract me from my morbid thoughts. They were showing last November’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I tossed the remote aside and munched miserably.
My phone started ringing and flashing Carl’s name at me. I decided not to answer. I’d managed to avoid him all week. I was miserable company, and I’d thought it best not to burden him with my issues. I listened to his voicemail: “Hey, Lexi, why are you avoiding me? Please call me back. You’ve got a guy sitting home, worried.”
I tossed the phone aside. I’d call him in the morning. Maybe I’d even meet up with him. I needed to start getting out and about again.
The doorbell rang, and I wondered if my mom had forgotten her key, or if Monica and Tanya were checking up on me. I looked at the clock as I went for the door. It was seven o’ clock. Monica and Tanya would probably be at church.
I looked through the peephole, but it was too dark to see properly. The shadowy figure on my doorstep didn’t look like my mom; it was much bigger. I opened the door cautiously and was surprised to see Jace standing there in the rain.
“What do you want?” He was the last person I wanted to see when I was already feeling like trash.
“Can I come in?”
I stood aside, and Jace entered my house. I wished I hadn’t opened the door. It had been nice of him to come to England last weekend, but we hadn’t spoken to each other all week; and I had seen him with Andrea King on more occasions than was normal for a platonic relationship, but it hadn’t hurt as much as it could have. If they were still at it behind the bookcases in the library, that was their business. Right now, I didn’t care.
I shut the door and looked at Jace. He needed a haircut. The rain had transformed his curls into tight spirals in places, and there were raindrops dripping from his nose and chin. Why was he so cute? I turned and walked off to the den, and he followed me.
I sat down by my pizza box and crossed my legs in an attempt to look elegant regardless of my worn pink sweatpants and oversized shirt. Jace remained standing.
“So, what brings you here?” I asked when he didn’t say anything. “Aren’t you supposed to be at church? Monica told me there’s a Bible study Friday nights.”
Jace removed his wet jacket and sat down next to me. “Lexi, I miss you.”
I wondered if I was hearing right. “What?”
“I want us to get back together.”
I got up and sat down across the room from him. Was this some kind of joke? “I’m still not a Christian, Jace. You can’t date me, remember?”
“I’m having second thoughts about everything. I know the Bible is true and everything, but I can’t seem to get over you. And it’s not like I haven’t been trying.” Jace wiped the water from his face. Water was still trickling down from his hair. “I still believe in God, but I think we can make it work.”
I realized the irony in the fact that this was the same guy that hadn’t given in to my hotel stunt. He’d resisted temptation then, but now he was falling without being tempted. “So what brought about this change of heart?”
Jace’s gaze drifted to the TV. Shola Cardoso was flouncing down the runway in the fantasy bra. He tore his eyes away and picked up the remote. He changed it to a sports channel. “There hasn’t been a change of heart. I never wanted to break up with you in the first place.” Jace came to sit next to me. He put his arm around me. “I felt terrible last weekend when we went to England.”
“Why?”
“You were being so cold.”
“True, I was.”
“Since we split up, I’ve been stressing, hoping you don’t start dating someone else, and it’s been driving me crazy. I’ve even been praying that you won’t get with anyone else.”
“You’re kidding.” I laughed. So that made two of us.
“I’m serious.” Jace raised my hand to his lips. “Let’s talk about Carl.”
“And Andrea.”
Jace kissed my fingers. “That time in the library was a mistake, and it hasn’t happened again since.”
“You’re always together.”
“I know. I’m trying to lose her, but she isn’t getting it.”
“You better lose her.” I reached for the remote and changed it back to the fashion channel.
“What are you going to do about Carl?”
S
hola Cardoso, Namyra Rossett, and Bette Wiens were blazing the runway in their skimpy lingerie. They rocked! What was I going to do about Carl? Good question. I felt guilty already.
“Just tell him it’s over. It’s not like you’ve been together for that long anyway.”
I gave Jace a dirty look. Why did he think he could just come and dictate my life for me? And why was he so sure I liked him better than Carl? He tucked a handful of my hair behind my ear, and I squirmed remembering my roots.
“I love you,” he whispered.
I felt like screaming. Jace was frustrating. The fact that I liked him was frustrating. Any normal person would stick to Carl, the more reliable guy; but in spite of my guilt, I knew I was going to dump him. Was I making a big mistake? Probably. Was I in my right mind? Probably not!
When I didn’t return the sentiment, Jace sighed. “I guess I have to earn your trust all over again.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.
When he pulled away, I watched him. He couldn’t meet my eyes. “What?” I asked.
He gave me a weird smile. “Nothing.”
“Jace, tell me.”
“It’s nothing. I just think I’m going to feel guilty about this later.”
“Why?” When Jace didn’t answer I removed his arms from around me. “Jace, I don’t want you playing with me. I don’t need that right now. Let me know when you know what you want.”
I managed to get him to leave, but the next afternoon he was back to take me shopping. We went to Rodeo Drive, and he spent an obscene amount of money on me. I didn’t want jewelry. I didn’t want perfume. I definitely didn’t want the overpriced Sergio Rossi purse that he insisted on buying just because I looked at it for longer than five seconds. All I wanted was him. But I couldn’t tell him that. I didn’t want to be any more vulnerable to him than I already was.
Chapter 36
I was stupid. This fact dawned on me as I walked into Jace’s black, white, and metallic red seduction zone on Saturday evening after our afternoon of shopping. I was more than stupid. I was insane and downright crazy. What on earth was I doing here? Again.
