by Paige Edward
The Rolling Stones came on—totally old school. I strolled over to them, and introduced myself. Cat ordered me a gin and tonic, and before I knew it, my glass was empty. I ordered another one and sipped it as I watched the two of them talk. It turns out Mr. Rug Burn’s real name was Jackson. He was a smart, great looking, business type and he seemed totally smitten with Cat.
Cat could clearly sense my mood. She turned to me with a melancholy smile on her face. Something sparked in her eyes, a glint of mischief that I was way too familiar with. I could tell she was up to something. “Hey, Jackson,” she said, not taking her eyes off me, “why don’t you go over to the bar and get three shots of Patron?”
When I protested, she barked out a laugh and said, “What a wimp you are!”
I leaned back into my stool and sighed, resigned. Maybe shots weren’t my usual style, but hell, I needed the diversion and hoped being more than a little tipsy would clear my mind. I just wanted to think about nothing—push my thoughts away from the endless loop of sadness, weepiness, and anger.
Jackson pushed a glass to each of us and passed a salt shaker around, which I poured on my wrist. I looked between Cat and Jackson, unable to suppress the laugh at the naughty twinkle in her eyes. We chanted together. “One, two, three.”
We licked the salt, downed our shots, and immediately Cat and I reached for the limes. The alcohol burned on the way down, but it felt good, like it was washing away the anger and hurt that had risen in my throat.
Jackson gestured for another round, and this time, he sprinkled a little salt on Cat’s collarbone. She let out a squeal of laughter as he licked it off her body and downed another shot. I guess he didn’t care who at the office knew about them now. They met each other’s eyes and I could just feel the tension rising between them. They were a good match. Jackson seemed cooler than Cat’s fire, but after the display I just saw, it was clear that he loved mischief too.
I didn’t want to be in their way, and I needed to pee anyway, so I downed the shot and headed back along the bar towards the restroom. I must have been walking a bit on the wobbly side, because next thing I knew, I’d walked straight into the back of some man, who I swear hadn’t been there a second before. I turned to apologize and realized I’d walked straight into Hunter.
“What are you doing here?” I stammered, my tongue tied from the alcohol.
“After work drinks.”
I had to pee so badly that I couldn’t wait. “I’m sorry, I’ve had a few, and am just heading that way.” I gestured towards the Ladies room. Hunter took my arm and began walking me to the restroom, teasing me along the way. “You never could hold your liquor, Ames.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled, hoping the tequila haze that I couldn’t hide would excuse my behavior. I slid into the restroom and closed the door behind me. Once I knew I was alone, I turned to stare at myself in the mirror. I looked flushed and pretty tanked, but I didn’t look as sad as I had earlier in the day. Finishing up, I looked at myself one more time. “Come on Amy, go get ‘em,” I said.
I heard Hunter through the door. “You okay in there?”
My feelings all blurred together. How sweet of him to wait.
I came out, and he was standing against the other side of the hallway, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, muscles bulging through his tight polo. I’d forgotten that lazy sexy smile of his that now played across his lips.
“Let’s get you some water, and sit down. Okay, Amy?” He took my hand and gently led me back to the bar area. He found us a booth and sat me down. “I’ll be right back.”
I laid my head against the back of the booth, and closed my eyes. I never ever ever get this drunk. I heard Hunter’s voice, as he grabbed my hand and put the glass of cold water in it. I rubbed it against my forehead, before opening my eyes. He was sitting across from me and looked worried.
“Thanks. I guess I had one too many.” In fact I’d probably had four too many.
“Ames, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this drunk,” he said, his eyes narrowing in concern. “But I’m here, so you don’t have to worry. I’ll take care of you. Let’s get some more water in you and maybe some fries?”
I nodded, which sent another wave of dizziness through me. He stood up again to order from the bar. I sipped my water slowly, and tried to get my bearings. Maybe fries would be good. I hadn’t really eaten since last night’s cobb salad with Miranda. I just hadn’t been able to stomach anything.
Hunter came back to the table and sat down. He picked up my left hand and gently massaged it with his thumb. “Amy, food is coming now. You are going to feel so much better.” If only that were true. I could feel pressure in my chest where my heart was. And being treated so nicely had me on the edge of tears.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. “What are you doing here?”
“After work drinks, great happy hour…which I guess you realized too.” He laughed good- naturedly. “I think the only time I’ve seen you like this was that night at Jamie’s house—do you remember? You started drinking a bottle of Southern Comfort, and the next thing I knew, you were dancing to Journey on Jamie’s bed and singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ at the top of your lungs.”
My memory of that was fuzzy, but just hearing about it years later was pretty mortifying. Thankfully Hunter seemed to think it was cute. “I had to sneak you to my parent’s guesthouse, remember? I was so afraid you’d wake up Jamie’s parents.” He laughed. “And then, the next morning I pretended to pick you up and we got Luke from his friend’s house. Matt, right? And then we came back to my house for my mom’s birthday brunch.” Hunter looked toward the bar. “Our food is ready, be right back.”
He returned with fries, a hamburger, and chocolate shake all for me. Too much. I had wanted inebriation, but I didn’t want the dizziness. Even after all this, I still didn’t have an appetite.
I picked up a fry and started to nibble. The memories were sweet. If Hunter kept talking, maybe I could forget how sad I was. “And remember how Luke kept asking you if you were getting sick? What a sweet kid.”
I remembered that morning all too well. After we’d had breakfast with Hunter’s family, I’d taken Luke to another friend’s birthday party, my head pounding from a fierce hangover. Hunter had met me back at my house, and we had the place to ourselves.
I still remember taking our first shower together that day. I’d never been naked in the light with anyone before, and I remember how I was shy but also really excited about it. Hunter had run his hands all over my body, using my favorite Bath and Bodyworks creamy soap, lathering it between his hands before rubbing the silky lather all over my body. It was the first truly erotic experience of my life, more than our hot make-out sessions on the couch, more sensual.
I looked towards the bathroom and saw Cat come out of the men’s room, looking flushed and excited. She walked over to our table. A few minutes later, out came Jackson, looking like the cat that had eaten the canary.
“Ames, you want me to take you home?” Hunter asked. Cat looked at Hunter and then back at me. I realized I hadn’t introduced the two of them, but I was too exhausted to form the words. Thankfully, Hunter introduced himself, as a friend of mine from high school. Cat looked relived that he wasn’t some random guy asking to take me home.
I was a mess and needed to get out of there. “Sure, thanks.” I gave Cat a hug. “Jackson’s super hot,” I whispered into her ear. She grinned.
“Amy, I’ll pick you up tomorrow and we can come back and get your car, okay? And maybe do something else fun?” Cat asked. I nodded. My head was pounding and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I would never drink this much again.
Hunter led me to his car, and drove me home. He walked me to the door, and gave me a huge hug. He gently brushed my bangs out of my eyes, and gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. He walked me inside to my room. I hoped he didn’t expect anything.
I was so upset about Ryan. I missed his humor, how good and whole I fel
t when I was with him. How could you miss someone you’d only gone out with a few times? I didn’t understand it, but that’s how I felt. It was like there was a hole in my chest that would never leave.
“Go lay down. I’ll bring you some water.”
Hunter went into the kitchen while I took off my skirt and bra and climbed into bed. I curled up, hugging one of the pillows to my chest. A few seconds later, my pillow was soaked. I didn’t even know I was crying, but silent tears were pouring down my face. I passed out a few minutes later. Hunter must have left right after.
CHAPTER 34
Amy
I woke up the next day with a massive headache. I should have taken Tylenol or something before I went to bed. Well, better late than never. I popped the lid off the Tylenol bottle on the counter and dropped two into my palm. In the kitchen, I poured myself a huge glass of water and chugged it with the medicine. I looked at the clock. It was almost 10. I hadn’t slept this late in ages, and I needed to open the store. I was already late and didn’t have my car.
I got dressed as quickly as possible, ran some water through my hair, and tried not to look too hard in the mirror. What I did catch was not what I’d call pretty. Swollen eyes, and pasty skin. I needed a big breakfast, and a giant cup of coffee, to stop this headache and try to suppress this heartache.
I walked as quickly as I could to the store, taking a few shortcuts and was there to open at 12:15. Not bad for the state I was in, but pretty unprofessional for a brand new business. Thankfully no one was waiting outside. I put up my “be back in 5 minutes” sign and ran across the street to Groundworks. When my enormous order was ready, I ran it back across the street. I couldn’t wait to get some more coffee into me.
Eating the “Hungry Man’s Special,” (an egg sandwich on a croissant, sausage on the side, with an enormous blueberry muffin—don’t judge me—desperate times) and drinking my hot, glorious coffee, I started to feel like a person again. I might not have been quite ready to face the day, but at least I was doing a good job of faking it.
My phone beeped. I saw Ryan’s name pop up over a text message and quickly turned my phone over, screen down against the counter, as though I could pretend it wasn’t there. I was afraid to read it, afraid I’d lose it. But with my head pounding like it was being jack hammered, my willpower wasn’t exactly strong. I flipped my phone over.
Amy, let me explain. I miss you.
Of course it would be sweet and understanding. Of course it would make me want to see him, not that I didn’t feel the pull of him almost every waking second without him reminding me.
I decided to text back right away, before I could overthink things.
I miss you too, but I really can’t do it.
I pushed send.
As much as I knew I couldn’t continue to be involved with him if he was working with my mother, as much as I knew I was making the right choice, I felt horrible all the same. And angry to have been put in this position. Why of all people, did this have to happen? It wasn’t even like I had a choice.
My phone beeped. I looked back down and realized I was clutching it in my hand so tightly, I’d made indentations from the cover on the palm of my hand. I took some deep breaths, then looked again. It was from Hunter.
How are you feeling?
Shitty, I wrote. He didn’t have to know that the hangover was nothing compared to how badly my heart hurt.
Want to have dinner tonight?
The truth was, I didn’t want to have dinner with anyone, but I also knew that wallowing by myself at home would weaken my ability to resist calling Ryan.
I had to get out of my head, and stop thinking about how crappy I felt. Maybe I’d watch some stupid show online while I waited for customers. I definitely didn’t have energy to design anything. I rented a season of Say Yes to the Dress.
After watching a couple episodes, I decided to close up early. I just felt too gross. I had lots of errands that I hadn’t run in ages, but I’d give myself a break and go home.
Hunter texted again. I promise it will be fun. 8, good?
I needed to write him back. I knew if I stayed home, I’d just cry, which actually sounded kind of appealing. Or maybe I should go out for dinner and it would take my mind off Ryan, at least for a little while.
Pick me up at 8.
I’d go home and have a glass of wine before Hunter picked me up. I just wished it was Ryan coming to pick me up. But I had to stop thinking like that. Ryan was out of the picture. There was nothing I could do about it now.
At home, I flopped onto the couch with a glass of pinot grigio. Hunter would be here to pick me up in an hour. I could zone out and watch some trashy TV. Just the tonic I needed.
I heard the doorbell ring. I guess he was early, which was not like him at all. At least not the Hunter I dated in high school. He must have changed a lot.
I opened the door. What met my eyes was not Hunter’s brown eyes, but at least a hundred calla lilies, all wrapped in a bouquet with purple tissue paper and a large ribbon. Holding them was the man who I wanted to see more than anything. The man who I tried my best to resist but couldn’t. The man who shouldn’t be on my doorstop right now. Ryan took the flowers down from his face.
I was about to protest, when he walked towards me, pushed me into the house, threw down the flowers, grabbed me and kissed me. His lips parted mine and he thrust his tongue into my mouth. Holding my head with both hands, he kissed me like it was his reason for living. Tears began to sting my eyes.
I tried to speak, but the words got stuck in my throat. He put his finger to my lips to stop me from saying words he didn’t want to hear. He gently traced my mouth with his finger, and looked deep into my eyes.
“Don’t do this, Amy. Don’t do this to us.”
I could barely form the words I knew I must say. I didn’t want to sound like a child, but why did it have to be like this? I tried to keep my voice steady, and stop the tears from pouring out.
“Ryan, why can’t you find someone else to partner with? Miranda is not who you think she is, and I…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. But I hoped he knew I wasn’t being childish, I just wanted him to end his relationship with her. It was all that was standing between us.
“If I could I would. I’ve been searching for an investor. The company is in hot water, which I didn’t realize when I bought it. I need a quick infusion of cash, and she is the only one who will do it. If I could back out of it, and save the project I would.” He looked at me pleadingly.
I realized my hands were bunched into fists. “I just can’t do this. I want to. So badly. But she has hurt me too many times. I can’t be near her. I can’t have the man I’m with near her. She is poison. She destroys everyone around her. I can barely see her twice a year, and there is no way you’d be able to keep her away working with her on such an intense project. She’d be all over you, all over me--she is relentless.” I shuddered, just thinking of it.
Ryan’s face grew hard. He put his hands on my shoulders, and began to gently massage them. He lifted one hand and began to slowly caress the side of my neck, wiped the tears from my cheeks, smoothed the hair from my face. I closed my eyes against the sweetness of it all.
“Amy, I’ll never know exactly how much she damaged you. I’ll never be able to fix that. But you can’t let her ruin this. Look at me,” he demanded. I raised my eyes to his face. “Don’t let her get in your way. Dare to be with me,” he whispered fiercely.
I looked away. I heard him and I did want to do what he said, I wanted to believe I could do it, for him, for me. But I couldn’t. I stared at his lips, which would no longer be mine. That face, the gleam in his eye, his incredible body. I lifted my head and looked at him again. He saw the sadness in my eyes, and knew I couldn’t say yes.
“Dammit Amy, this is bloody ridiculous. You’re just scared to do this. You’re scared to live your life. You’re hiding behind your hatred, letting it overpower you. Letting her win, make decisions for you.” He fr
owned, and rubbed his hand roughly through his hair, frustrated and angry.
I opened the door to ask him to leave. What he said frightened me. Was it true? Was it that I couldn’t be with him? Or was it that I wouldn’t be with him? Was I being a coward or protecting myself from real damage? Miranda had almost ruined me after my Dad died and she left. I was depressed, sad, lonely, and responsible for a child. Thankfully, that responsibility had saved me. I couldn’t fall apart for Luke’s sake, and slowly I’d been able to rise to the occasion for myself too.
Dad had always said that times of trouble were when you found out who you really were. But I couldn’t risk it, no matter what my heart was telling me. I felt an incredible pain in my chest. No wonder they said people could die of broken hearts. If I wasn’t so young, I’d think I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t gamble with myself that way, no matter how much pain this was going to cause.
“You need to leave.” I could barely get the words to leave my mouth. Ryan slowly walked out the door.
I took the flowers Ryan had brought me and put them in some water. Looking at them reminded me of the pain of turning Ryan down, but I couldn’t just let them die. I set them up by the window in Luke’s room. That way I wouldn’t have to look at them.
I couldn’t believe I’d agreed to see Hunter tonight. I didn’t know how I was going to do it without being a complete teary mess. But he was coming in fifteen minutes and it was too late to change my plans. I’d just have to find a way to make the night short. If Ryan hadn’t come and totally wrecked me, I would have done a much better job of faking it. I just hoped I could make it.
CHAPTER 35
Ryan
I threw myself into the project. I thought I was working hard before I met Amy, but now I was like a machine. Keep working, don’t have to think about Amy. If it wasn’t going to happen with her, I had to at least guarantee that the development was going to be more than profitable. I had to make sure this was worth it.
