Tears of Leyden

by Baysinger-Ott, Naomi

  He looks at me as though I am being intensive. “I do not know, perhaps your vader received an epiphany.”

  I do not welcome his sarcasm. “Why must we…surely he provided you with a message that was fit for my…”

  “Come, there is no such message for you and you know it well.” He steps forward and eyes our surroundings as though wary of it.

  I do not step back. “Zenith…”

  He takes hold of my wrists and continues to gaze past me. “It is dangerous here, we must return for your safety.”

  “The…”

  He cuts me off by stepping past me. He releases only one of my wrists and draws me along with the other. I tug my hand back a little, not wanting his grip on me, but he is of course stronger. He leads me back through the places we had come and the tense stance of his shoulders and hold makes me feel he senses something I don’t. I let him pull me along knowing it is useless to try to refuse him. I try to think of another way to get him distracted, when a man drops a box across his way and vegetables and fruits tumble out over the ground.

  Hands go after the food, creating a mess of obstacles in our path. Zenith mutters under his breath and after a moment he drags me around the clattering disorder. The disruption is worthwhile to see the irritation on his face, but also leaves me wanting to give help to the man who lost his cargo. Then, I realize I had seen produce.

  “Zenith, the boxes unloaded from the ship…they are filled with food…the people are…”

  “Your vader took it upon himself to feed the starvation. It is paid by the court.”

  I frown and glance back to see what we left behind, but the confusion is already clearing and the liter cleaned away. I realize his voice had been dry.

  “You do not approve of it?”

  His hand tightens on my wrist. “I never attempted to put that idea into your head…”

  My heart is racing with the speed he is pulling me at now. “I am compelled to think so.”

  He seems to grow debatable. “Let me get you there safe and then you can push all the questions you have onto my plate.”

  I twist my wrist and his grip loosens a bit. I do not settle for silence, not minding the procedure but minding the order to do so. “And you think he is contrary to our people.”

  Suddenly, he jerks to a stop and turns on me. “Are you trying to insult me or make me apologize?”

  I feel my stomach churning but force out the words. “Neither.”

  He tightens his jaw. “He is not like me.”

  I look him in the eyes and I see it is true. “That is why I cannot love you.”

  He releases me. “You need to see it from my perspective.”

  I feel my heart waver at my freedom. “And you need to from mine.”

  Then, by luck or blessing, a man bumps between us and Zenith is forced backwards. I see him through a family which passes and his expression is half worry and half anger. His eyes flicker to and from the spaces to get through, and they soon find mine.

  His face is firm and warning and I feel the tension on his shoulders being lifted and set onto mine. I know this is my last chance. I step back. He sees the movement and I feel him grow rigid. It can’t wait. I bolt. I know not if it is better or worse that I race into the crowds to be mixed in. I push past people and frantically look about me for somewhere to escape on the other side of the group. There is a gap but I hesitate. If he was running around to the side I planned to emerge from…

  “Lyra!”

  I hear his call over the reckless noise of the crowd, now awakened by our hassle. I race through it with no other hesitation. Once I am there, I search for another plan to follow realizing I have none. I feel a faltering sensation inside me and know fear is taking control and I must focus. I can’t remember what is happening and the thudding in my chest hardens. I ignore it. Where? I stare ahead of me and something tugs inside in indication.

  The water.

  I feel my heart soar but hesitate once more. Where would I hide? The darkness of the boat’s shadows catches my view. I feel that Zenith must be close by now and with one last glance at my object, I run. Thankfully, the water is not that far from my place and my run is not to be endured for long. I do not hesitate at the water’s cold, and hurriedly rush my feet into the river’s edge. It is stiller and the current not as torturous to me as I had feared. I shove my way through the thick force of the undertow and manage to free myself of my shoes as they are sucked up by the silt. I splash through and become knee deep before I feel the full force against me as it sucks at my clothes. I slosh through and reach the side of the ship at waist deep. I hide here and let the relief flood through me as I regain my breath. I touch to the boat and remain there as I tremble lightly from either the cold or the anxiety.

  I feel the water’s density around me and suddenly feel the impact of it on my body. I breathe restlessly as I feel the freezing temperature and the wetness soaking into my clothes. The water is peaceful but I know its power and this frightens me. My head begins to thud and I force away the remembrance of my weakness.

  I look in the direction from where I came and try to locate Zenith or any of my vader’s officers. I do not see him and the uneasiness twists in my stomach. I return to the feeling of the water around me, and look now closer to my place about the boat.

  To my right and above, the platform is full of sounds from men traveling up and down with the loads. I move carefully and to the farther side of the boat so that not in view of any passers if a search went out. The water lets me move slowly, and so even if I wanted to I couldn’t make too many wrong moves or giveaways of my shelter here. I stick close to the boat and stop to stay and hide when in a safer place. The loneness of the open space to my side makes me feel a little encircled and I find myself listening to the water rush for comfort.

  I am here for only at most two minutes without sensing anything out of hand. I realize the current is not the only sound I hear. I listen closely to the noises around me. There is the soft wading of something splashing through the water only a distance behind me and I know it is not just the current. I feel my head thudding and my heart joins it in unison. The water ripples the slightest bit against my hand and I move against the boat. There is another slosh of water, and I cautiously turn.

  My eyes find a dark form moving mutely through the water. Its head lifts as my eyes find it, and we see each other. I cannot make out the detail from my place, but as I stare I can see the structure of the shape is a man. He freezes as I do. I let fear grip me and the silent river seems to quiet further for our connection to be distinguished. I watch him, the trepidation causing my body to feel every sensation around me. The air and cold water chills my skin and the quake in my chest grows with my heart beat. He is as frozen as I am, the dark water hiding most of his lower body and being cloaked by his shadow. I feel the search of his eyes as he tries to recognize me and in return I study him. I feel a light twinge in my stomach but can’t pay attention to it. The tremor in my body leaves me feeling helpless. Then, the connection between us seems to lighten. As we stare, something shifts in my gaze and I feel my body strengthen. The frame and agility of his body becomes familiar to me. I stop.

  The world stills. No…I feel my body grow in energy as I feel the intuitional magnetism inside. I feel my heart flutter with recognition. It isn’t…

  There is no doubt about it. I know it is.

  I rush forward. As soon as he sees me move, he does too. I desperately tear forward through the water, splashing and fighting to get somewhere in it. The water seems too thick around me and resists my hurried movements. I frantically pull myself with my hands and run forward feeling sluggish. It takes forever, but he is in front of me. I throw myself and jump up in the water, grasping my arms to his neck as his go around me trapping me close.

  “Nadeje!” I gasp it out into the air behind him as I clutch him like my tie to the earth. He catches me to him as though I might blow away, and the fitting of our bodies is faultless. I breathe
gaspingly from my run and let him revive me with the support of my weight.

  “Lyra,” he breathes.

  I grip him tightly and feel the solidity of his frame along mine, his dimensions oddly more discernible through the wet clothes soaked and stuck to our bodies. He holds me stilly, not doing anything but feeling me against him for verity. I settle against him and forget all else from him. We wait here at least a minute without interruption, not wanting anything to pull us apart, then he tightens and I slip my arms down against his chest and replace them with my hands. He gently loosens and I hide my face in his neck, not wanting to look out on the world, just to be here.

  He shelters me against him and the clearer feeling of his body gives me a source of surety of my place with him, and the lost feeling disappears on instant. I gently slide my hands up a bit and feel his hair, and the allowance to do so secures me further. He gingerly feels his hands to my waist and I let out a small breath with their delicacy. I feel the want to be embraced fully and gently slide my hands down his neck and chest, letting them rest beneath his arms. The water rises with my release, and he pulls me close and against him. I let him cloak me with his form, not wishing any element to enter my small refuge. I relax and let go, letting the air come to me, not me pull in the air.

  “Lyra…”

  I weaken at his small groan and lie unmoving against him. He cuddles me close.

  He lets me stay here a few moments, leaving me to rest in my place. Then, he tenderly urges me up and I lean my head against his neck, my hands settling over his hips without any tenseness. I listen to his breaths and the soft thump of his heartbeat, and wish to listen to it always.

  “Beloved Lyra,” it is soft and gently spoken.

  “Yes,” I whisper back.

  He leans his head down to mine. “You’re safe…” he breathes it with relief, as though it had been tormenting him. I lightly move my hands up a bit and he curls me closer, causing my heart to jump. “I went back for you and couldn’t find you…”

  I feel the reminder of the loss and press closer. “I went to look for you.”

  He pushes his head to mine. “Don’t do that again,” he sounds hurt, scared and unbelievably apprehensive. I promise myself I won’t.

  I nod. He snuggles his head against mine and I almost smile. “I met my vader,” it comes out before I bid it to and I feel my throat tighten.

  He quiets. “He didn’t hurt you…?”

  I shake my head lightly in assurance.

  His face brushes the side of my portrait as he tilts his closer. “He was fair?”

  I think a moment, and sadly bury my face closer. “I don’t want to see him again.”

  He seems uncertain. “Leifde?”

  I feel my eyes sting. “I don’t want him to take…” I hesitate and there is a pause. “You.”

  He lays his face along my neck and I relax. “You are with me now,” he whispers. “You will be forever.”

  I tense a little unwantedly.

  He moves at this. “If that is want you want, only.”

  I ease again to let him know I am alright and I try to make it come out. “Yes,” I say it gently.

  He pushes closer. “I…my Lyra…” he breathes deeply against my hair and I drift into him. For the first time I feel the water around us and realize how I had forgotten. He lightly trails his face along my skin but lifts it. “We are disallowed then?”

  I do not want to speak of it, but I know I have to.

  “My…birthrights…Gilch…it is not that you aren’t…it is that you are of Spanish…”

  He exhales and it stops me. “I am here for you.”

  It loosens something inside me, but I do not loosen my grip on him. “You know we are not safe here though?”

  He lifts his head from me and gently responds. “I know.”

  I glance up at him and he is watching me fondly, it gives me a precious feeling. I look into his irises and feel their luminous color shift before me from dark to light, it is breathtaking. I let it out without intent. “Your eyes are lovely.”

  He smiles a bit and I feel pleasure at this even as I feel mortified by my absentminded statement. He warmly looks into mine, though I feel he sees deeper. “You complement me…in many ways.”

  I find the mixed message in it and feel myself blush. “We should go…” I peek back up from my shy and he is now gazing around us for peril.

  “It is not so distant from the shore…but it is quiet here,” I listen intently to his calm observation and continue to watch him. “It still does not give us perfect sight of our surroundings…but I feel we are safe here…though…we should go…”

  He looks back down to me and I lift my face from his chest a bit more to get ready to leave. He watches me a moment and the connection between us deepens. I feel the churning inside and the drawn sensation which I cannot close my eyes to and the moment ticks by only to give another of indecision. He slowly bends his head down a little and a shadow covers my face from the faint light above in the boat. I watch him as he leans, and with sureness of my allowance, he rushes it and dips his head down and pushes his lips to mine.

  His fall quickly but gently along mine, landing perfectly on the curves of my mouth and catching my upper lip between his. My eyes close, and for once that nervous feeling inside does not make me dizzy. I still weaken. He holds me faithfully in his arms, and the secure fastening around me is assuring. He remains here a moment, then he fervently tilts his head and his lips move over mine. I had thought he would have released me and the action catches me a little off guard. I feel a longing inside make me want to reach for him more, but I refrain myself out of the knowing that we must be reserved here. I let him kiss me and follow willingly. He squeezes me to him. His body feels unnaturally heated from the cold water and I realize I am trembling; from the cold or his touches I know not which.

  He deepens it. Now I know the tremble is from him. I feel his arms shift a little and his hand firmly scoops the back of my neck. My pulse pounds as he presses closer and I feel the weight of my body vanish at his ease to move me. I feel his dedication to me with every move, and I dream for more. I remember our surroundings and desperately try to control myself.

  “Nadeje!” I force it out in a small gasp as his lips lift from mine between kisses. He kisses me warmly and I gently press against his chest with my hands. His mouth parts from mine at my plea. “We have to go…” my breathless whisper is meaningless to the emotions inside me, but one emotion fights at the rest; one of expectation and fear. I know Nadeje does not have this feeling.

  He captures my lips again and I allow him, not willing it to end but not wanting to finish it here. He crushes me closer, and slowly, still kissing me, he walks through the water. I feel my heart waver and the beat hastens to the rate of my spinning head. I whimper into his mouth and he kisses me strongly as I feel the water moving slowly around our legs.

  Lyra…I make out the word with the movement of his lips and don’t know how to feel.

  I weaken further as he steps forward and the water drags me against him, and shortly I feel the nervous sentiment has returned. A darker shadow crosses over us, and gradually I feel something solid form behind my head and shoulders. I feel him press me back to the side of the boat, and as he steps in I feel I should suffocate at the pressure he gives me. I breathe fine, but my exhale rattles out from his closeness. His kisses are captivating, though I drift to his hands as I feel him carefully move them up to my face. The kisses are somewhat easier coming now, as the boat supports me so that I am closer to being level in height with him. He moves his lips over mine with assertion, and I am fully absorbed in his passion. The water is still and like ice around us apart for his occasional forward lean to me making small ripples spread about our waists. The heat created in the space between us is unfamiliar yet consoling. I kiss him back, not knowing anything else but him in these moments.

  “Beloved Lyra,” he breathes it as our lips slip and he tenderly bows his head and tran
sfers his face down to my neck. The heat of his face brushes along my neck and spills painfully over my skin as he moves. It sends chills through my blood and I treasure the moment delicate to me. He feverishly pushes his lips to my neck and the feeling sears my skin with its willingness.

  “Nadeje…” I feel it tremble out as I breathe without meaning for it to. I blush as he lifts his lips and kisses me again higher up my neck. My skin prickles at his exhale, gusting out over the underside of my jaw. He trails his face lightly up my neck and I am relieved until he leaves a tiny peck beneath my ear.

  Then, he finds my lips again and remains there. I let out a small groan and he falters at the sound of it as though I have pierced him with something sharp and deflecting. I grip him a little and he leans into me so that I am entirely overawed. I don’t want this…the thought appears without any meaning…we shouldn’t be doing this…my heart beats double its speed…but I do want him…I feel him kiss me soothingly…and this…I battle only a second before the considerations are forgotten, and I let him lead me. His lips stroke mine cordially like silk.

  “Beloved Lyra…gentlest Lyra…” he whispers it to me as our lips brush together and apart. “Dearest to me…”

  “My Nadeje,” I tell him it lightly, feeling close to a faint as I speak against his lips.

  He kisses me, once, twice, three times…I don’t want him to stop or continue. I am lost, unaware of anything but what he does. There is a hush as his lips are lifted, then come back down as though not ready yet. He pushes close as he kisses me hotly, then, his lips lighten. They vanish.

  “Marry me,” he releases it through the breakage of our lips’ connection. It gasps into my face like he needs air and like the words had been suffocating him. For a moment I think I dreamed it, but as the hush between us continues, I know I have not.

  I open my eyes to his and look at him as he does me. I fear he has said something he does not mean and that it was out of the blindness of our passionate engagement, but I am saved as I see I am wrong. His eyes are stormy and severe, thirsty and starved looking as they watch me sincerely with meaning. He breathes recklessly. I feel the blissful joy of it, and the truth of his meaning makes my heart soar. I can’t open my mouth, or at least control it, for my lips are parted from the need of breath and shock of his statement. My every sensation inside stops except for the new one I feel at his words. All the longing, the need, the craving for his kisses…they are gone. All that remains is disbelief…that and hesitant joy.