The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  He continued, “We naturally prioritize. After a result that is time-sensitive, a man will prioritize by impact. He wants to make the biggest difference he can at the time. In fact, if you want to bring out the worst in a man, don't let him have an impact. Don't let him provide anything for you.”

  He waited while Karen struggled. Finally, she said, “Claudia has said something similar. But what I don't understand is why the impact of taking out the trash isn't obvious to Mike. Every woman knows what a difference it makes … Oh!”

  “Yes?” he prompted.

  Karen laughed and looked at Claudia and Kimberlee. “I'm still doing it, aren't I? Expecting a man to be like a woman.” She shook her head and looked up at Burt.

  “For the sake of my thick head, Burt. Would you tell me what it's like to take out the trash?” Karen asked.

  Burt was mystified, but if this would provide something for Karen, he was glad to answer. “It's not a big deal. Sometimes it's messy or smelly. If I haven't brought the cans back from the street there's an extra step. But that has to be done anyway.”

  “But how does it make you feel?” Karen persisted.

  Burt was stumped. “Feel? It doesn't make me feel anything. Does it make you feel something?”

  KAREN cracked up. In relief, in embarrassment, in hope. Finally she could respond to Burt.

  “Oh, Burt. You are priceless. Thank you very much.”

  “What did I do?” He asked and she realized he wanted to know exactly what he had provided.

  “You gave me the missing link,” she said. “To answer your question, it's all about what it makes me feel. When the trash is overflowing, I feel hopeless that life is overflowing and I'm out of control. When I have to take it out myself, I feel dirty and unsupported and treated like I'm the maid. I feel unloved and I feel ugly.”

  Burt's eyes opened in awe. “Is that true for you, Claudia?” he asked his wife.

  Claudia chuckled, “It could make me feel something like that. Except I have not had to take the trash out in half a century. Ever since I explained to you that when you take the trash out, it makes me feel like I have a partner in making the household work. All I have to do is tell you when it is time for it to go out, and appreciate you for providing that.”

  Karen groaned, “Claudia, you're saying that even when Burt understands what it provides for you — you still have to tell him when to take it out? Is this hopeless?”

  Claudia patted Karen's hand. “Karen, knowing what it will provide is what has Burt take it out immediately, or as soon as he has finished the result he is focused on. But I still have to tell him when it is ready. Then it enters the queue of results to produce next.”

  She smiled up at Burt. “It is not that he does not notice the full trash. He merely notices it in the middle of another commitment. Unlike a woman, he will not interrupt himself to do it. His brain has screened it out as irrelevant in that moment.”

  Karen turned to Burt again. “Is this true for every man? Do they all need to be told when to take the trash out?”

  Burt scratched his cheek. “I don't know, Karen. I only know that I need that. It speaks to what I call my ‘Action Command Center.’ Could I make a suggestion?”

  Karen noticed that, like Claudia, Burt asked permission. “Of course!”

  Burt responded softly, “You might try telling Mike what taking out the trash would provide for you. And ask him what he needs to take it out. He's the expert on himself.”

  Karen suddenly felt exhausted. She turned to Claudia, “Could we take a break? I feel like my head's going to explode.”

  She was surprised when Burt interjected, “Before I go, could I tell you one other thing that might help?” he asked. “Men are keenly aware of spending energy. We've got to get at least as much back from everything we do. Otherwise, we get worn out and worn down.”

  He looked at her from under bushy eyebrows. “Take that bench out there in the garden,” he said, pointing. “I made it while you were learning about the Stages of Development. Finding someone like you was my idea. Claudia taking and using that idea, and appreciating me for it, gave me the oomph to create that bench.

  “The reaction from the two of you inspired me to go on and make Kimberlee's chair. And so on. Everything you appreciate gives Mike the energy to do something else for you. Your appreciation lets him know that he provided something worthwhile. That makes him want to — and able to — provide even more.”

  Even in a state of overwhelm, Karen connected the dots, “Men play for points!”

  Burt grinned. “That's one way to put it. And we'll put the most energy in where we win the most points. And where the points have the most value. As his wife, his chosen partner, your points mean more to him than anyone's. As long as he's winning them, he'll be a happy, productive man. If you're stingy with them, it doesn't make him play harder. It prevents him from playing at all.”

  KIMBERLEE welcomed the break. Her head was about to explode — the realizations were coming that fast. At first her thoughts were all about Melissa and Scott. I've never seen Melissa give Scott any points without taking more away with an “if only you did more of that” kind of remark.

  Wandering around the garden, she nibbled on a brownie while her thoughts turned to her own life. The look on Burt's face as he described “playing for points” reminded her that he'd been providing for her all her life. She suspected her girlish giggles counted for a lot as a child. But what about now? How does a woman give points in her platonic relationships? How can I show appreciation for my chair?

  Raul's face came to mind. He paid her well with a nice salary, bonuses and benefits. And she earned it by working hard and making her job her first priority. She came through for him, even when it was tough. But was that the extent of their relationship? Was it just a professional transaction? She thought of their talk about the future and the respect he had expressed. In that one conversation, he'd provided validation of all her efforts and a pathway for her ambitions to be fulfilled. She'd been more hopeful about her career ever since. He'd provided that as well. Should I thank him for that? What would giving Raul “points” look like?

  Next she thought of Jack. Without knowing it, he'd provided the final encouragement to give up emasculating men. And that had changed her life. Frog Farmer no more, she thought. Could I have done it without the comfort of him worrying about me? Without the validation of an attacker spontaneously becoming a protector? The thought that she should tell him made her feel queasy. Is there another way to thank him?

  Lastly, her father's face surfaced. It still had the power to catch her heart in her throat. Her mother had often bragged that she'd raised Kimberlee on her own, “and took nothing from the sperm-bag.”

  Did my father disappear because there was nothing Myra would let him provide? Because he couldn't get points from her and she wouldn't let him earn points from me? Could my father provide anything for me now?

  Thinking of her mother reminded her of the feminist movement and women's liberation. All this talk about men being providers. Is that just sending us back to Ozzie and Harriet?

  CLAUDIA smiled at both women as she settled back into her chair with a fresh cup of tea. “I know Burt and I have given you much to think about. But there are a few more things I need to tell you about ‘Providing’ before I send you out into your lives.” She was interrupted by Kimberlee clearing her throat. “Yes?” Claudia inquired.

  “Um. Something isn't sitting right for me …,” Kimberlee said.

  “Yes?” Claudia asked again, keeping her face open. I was wondering when an objection would arise, she thought, satisfied.

  Kimberlee leaned forward, “This might be great for Karen, and married women like her — no offense,” she broke off with an odd smile, “but I've got a good job that pays well. I'm proud of being able to support myself. Wasn't the point of women's liberation that we don't have to depend upon men to provide for us? And cater to them so they will?”

  “I am g
lad you brought this up,” said Claudia.

  “You are? Why?”

  “Your mother and I went around and around about this. Hopefully I can do a better job for the two of you.” She paused. “But, first, are you open to another perspective?”

  She waited while Kimberlee repositioned herself, leaning back and relaxing her shoulders. Then both women replied at the same time, “Okay ….” Their shared tone of skepticism caused them to laugh, relieving the tension.

  “Okay, Claudia, change my world again,” Kimberlee said.

  Claudia sighed in relief, “That means a lot to me, Kimberlee. I will endeavor to live up to your faith.”

  She sipped her tea and waded in. “I think the point of the feminist movement was to establish men and women as equals. With equal opportunities, equal respect and equal appreciation for our contributions to each other and our society. Could we agree on that?”

  Kimberlee and Karen nodded. “I think that's a fair way to put it. I don't think it has entirely been accomplished. But I agree on the objective,” Kimberlee stated.

  “Thank you,” Claudia said, then ventured, “What if there is a world of difference between depending upon men to provide and allowing men to provide? Between the ability to do something yourself, and constantly needing to prove that ability?”

  Kimberlee cocked her head to the side, curious. “What do you mean?”

  “Men are not compelled to provide for women because they think women are unable to do for themselves. They respect and count on how capable we are. They simply want to provide. It gives men their purpose. What I am trying to say is … that if they already know how smart you are, how capable you are, how competent you are, maybe you do not have to prove it all the time by not letting them provide for you.”

  She paused. “They do not provide because they think so little of us. They get such great satisfaction from providing because they think so much of us.”

  “You mean I don't need to compete?” Kimberlee's voice squeaked.

  Claudia saw Karen's eyes widen, “Yes, Karen?”

  “Just a second,” Karen said, as she quickly leafed back through her notes. “Yes, there it is, under the long-term effects of emasculation: ‘Compete instead of Cherish.’” She sat back, stunned. “Are you saying, Claudia, that men provide for women because they cherish us? And by emasculating them, by proving we don't need them to provide, we turn that into competition?”

  Claudia sent up a silent prayer, thanking Heaven. “It is a vicious cycle. By competing with men, proving which of us can be the better provider, we interrupt their desire to provide for us. Worse yet, we dishonor their honoring of us. Because we do not honor ourselves.”

  Claudia sighed, “Women in our society are constantly trying to impress men. Because they do not know that men are already well beyond being impressed. They adore us. And they try to be worthy of it by being great providers.”

  She watched as Karen's brow furrowed in thought, her face clouded. Then her beautiful complexion cleared and her eyes sparkled as she made a connection.

  “Yes?” Claudia prompted.

  “And I imagine this is all because women don't know the Language of Heroes. We can't see that men want to provide for us because we try to get them to do things the same way we would get a woman?”

  Kimberlee groaned, “Through criticism and nagging! Because to us it's obvious why everything needs to be done.”

  Claudia smiled at them both, but kept watching Kimberlee closely. She knew that Myra's influence, and indeed society's influence, would not be overcome that easily. Kimberlee's eyes squinted.

  “I don't mean to be difficult, Claudia, but isn't the Language of Heroes just another way to cater to men?”

  Perfect, Claudia thought. “That would depend upon what you mean by ‘cater.’ If you are travelling in Mexico and you ask where the bathroom is in Spanish, are you demeaning yourself by using the language spoken there? Or are you being effective by communicating in a way that connects?”

  She was rewarded with Kimberlee's laughter. “I guess if you need a bathroom, it's just the smart thing to do!”

  “We call it the partner thing to do,” Claudia replied.

  “Huh?” Karen asked.

  Claudia looked from one to the other. “The Queen's Code is about partnership. One of the biggest benefits of the feminist movement is the opportunity to be equal partners. But women will never truly be liberated, and free to be queens, until we are free of our misconceptions about our partners. Including the idea that we think the same, speak the same, and are motivated by the same things.”

  “Wow,” Kimberlee concluded, “I guess we better get this providing thing down.”

  Karen laughed, “Yes. And I think you had more to tell us about that, Claudia?”

  “If you are ready to continue, I have your assignments,” Claudia replied, checking with Kimberlee.

  Kimberlee nodded, “I may have more objections but if I can bring them up as they come, I'm good for now.”

  Claudia reached over and squeezed Kimberlee's arm. “Your objections are always a contribution, dear. Please do not hesitate.”

  She waited until both women were once again poised above their notepads.

  “Understanding that men are ‘Providers’ rather than ‘Taskers’ requires that you start paying attention to the specific benefits of anything you are asking from a man,” she began. “You have to put those benefits into words, always using the word ‘Provide.’”

  She continued, “This is going to be your assignment: One, to notice what men are already giving you, or taking care of, and figure out what it provides; two, to stop before you ask for something and think about what it would provide and tell him that as part of your request. Lastly, after he has done what you ask, tell him what it actually provided. Do this with all men. Whether it be Mike, Raul, the boys at school, or Jack.” She concluded with a mischievous smile for Kimberlee.

  “Also practice with men you don't know. Service or repairmen for example,” she added. “Any questions?”

  Karen held up her hand a moment and Claudia gladly waited while her notes caught up. When she was done, Karen asked, “How exactly do we figure out what something will provide?”

  Claudia smiled. “I can give you a list of questions to ask yourself. But first I must tell you something else.”

  Claudia cautioned, “Almost all men want to provide. But, for every man, there are specific things he can provide; things he cannot provide but wishes he could; and things he has no interest in providing. You will need to learn what these are for your men, and learn to not ask for what each of them cannot provide. Never allowing a man to provide is emasculating. Asking him to provide what you know he cannot is cruel.”

  She looked from one to the other, “As one man put it, ‘Please don't ask me for what I can't provide. Ask for me for what I can, and I'll give you all I've got.’”

  KAREN switched to iced tea, having had enough coffee for one day. She settled into a small table at the café and began working on her notes. Once again, she thought in terms of flip-charts.

  PROVIDERS

  •

  Never forget men are PROVIDERS.

  •

  It's all about the difference an action makes.

  •

  Men naturally prioritize by impact after urgency.

  •

  Asking a man to DO something doesn't speak to his “Action Command Center.”

  •

  Asking him to PROVIDE something does.

  •

  Men Play for Points.

  •

  Try being generous with points. Being stingy with points doesn't make them play harder!

  •

  Questions to ask yourself to determine what something will provide:

  How will this make me feel?

  What will I be able to be? Want to be?

  What will I be able to do? Willing to do?

  How will this change my life?

&
nbsp; How will this change my experience of the situation/person?

  Karen pondered these questions for a while, specifically about Mike taking out the trash. She had told him a million times what not taking it out did to her. She'd never thought to turn it around and tell him what taking it out would provide. She wanted to be super-ready for their conversation when she got home.

  The hardest part for her was taking responsibility for the fact that how she had communicated before didn't work. It should have. If he loved me enough, it would have, she thought and caught herself in the old thinking and laughed. What if Mike is not a hairy misbehaving woman? What if he's a Ferrari and I haven't known where to put the key?

  For the first time in many years, she was hopeful about — of all things — trash. She glanced again at the assignment:

  • Notice what men are already giving me and figure out what it provides.

  •

  Before I ask for something from a man, think about what it would provide.

  •

  Then tell him that as part of my request.

  •

  After he has provided what I ask, tell him what it actually provided.

  •

  Do this with all men this week.

  Resolving to do the best job ever, she dug into her homework.

  CLAUDIA was starving at the end of their lesson. Although she would have loved to have Burt rub her feet, she needed food more. Practicing what she preached, she said, “Burt, your foot rubs renew me and reconnect me — to you. But right now, I'm hungry enough I could eat the flowers in my garden. And you know I would regret that.”

  “How about a grilled cheese?” Burt offered.

  “That would hit the spot. Do you want help or do you mind if I lie down?” she asked.

  “Lie down, Sweetheart. It'll do you a world of good. I'll have sandwiches in a jiffy.”

  As she rested in the living room, she thought about the day and how Burt had contributed to the discussion. After awhile, Burt joined her on the couch with sandwiches and apples sliced in discs, exactly the way she loved them.