The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  Or the parting words or parting kiss.

  •

  Or, even, a call the next day to stay connected and keep the buzz going.

  The better the sex was, the more important the next-day call became for Karen. She had asked Claudia what caused that after-sex neediness and was surprised by the answer. Claudia had never recommended outside reading before.

  She had said, “While we noticed this effect ages ago, it is only recently that scientists have been able to explain what happens at a biological level with hormones. The book I suggest you read is called The Female Brain. It was written by a neuropsychiatrist, Dr. Louanne Brizendine. Her information is compatible with what I have been teaching you: By understanding how we are put together, we can make better, conscious choices. Surprisingly for a researcher, the writing is fun and friendly.”

  Claudia added, “The Female Brain also describes the process by which women become sensitive to the most subtle audio and visual clues, whereas men are not. And I do not mean as ‘misbehaving women.’ Most men will tell you that they need to be hit by a brick.” She had smiled and Mike nodded vigorously.

  “Dr. Brizendine describes how the brains of infant girls are bathed in high amounts of estrogen from conception to the age of two. This is another reason why our Signals to men must be loud and clear.” Claudia added, “Both the “Yes” and “No” signals.”

  That explains why a hesitant “Okay” means “I don't want to” to a woman. And “Okay” to a man! Karen thought. And this explains why I have to be loud and firm with the boys but the same volume and intonation will put the girls in tears.

  Back to the present, Karen added to her notes:

  • Get Brizendine's book, “The Female Brain.”

  Satisfied with her notes, Karen created the flip-chart version for her hoped-for future lessons.

  CAUSING WANTING

  • Sexy Tank Fillers: activities you include in your life that make you available for and receptive to sex physically and emotionally.

  • Pumpkin Hours: the times in which a request for sex will cause resentment due to the sacrifice it will require.

  • Signals: verbal and physical cues that clearly let your partner know you're asking for sex.

  • Jump Starts: the words, phrases and touches that make a person want sex NOW.

  • Dessert: a pleasurable activity that's welcome almost anytime and may get sex started, but is not expected to.

  • End Game: what happens in the minutes and days after sex that expresses love and/or appreciation, leaving the partners happy to provide and participate again.

  Complete with her flip chart, she reviewed their assignment for the week:

  Homework:

  1. Finish telling each other everything from Sexy Tank Fillers to the End Game.

  2. Make sure we understand what makes the other totally satisfied and delighted with every incident of sex.

  Kimberlee had been given a different assignment, which involved figuring out all these things for herself, and she seemed to welcome that. Karen marveled at the dramatic change in Kimberlee's relationship to sex. What did Claudia and Kim do after we left Wednesday night? The younger woman's brutally self-conscious suffering had disappeared. And while Kimberlee was still shy, she seemed curious and engaged. Karen was happy for her.

  Reconsidering their homework, Karen couldn't wait to ask Mike about his Desserts and Jump Starts. Imagine being able to turn your partner on instantly. I would always look forward to sex. And Mike could too.

  She made Mike a promise to keep her Sexy Tank filled. Humming, she put her notes away and started a bubble bath. Maybe she'd even take a nap.

  KIMBERLEE was in a strange new land. To put it mildly, she was experiencing a stirring interest in having a Sexual Provider of her own. And being one, herself.

  I've never wanted a lover, she thought as she drove home. Nor wanted to be one. But now it seems like the most delightful way to experience a man.

  She'd have to ask Claudia to explain “Cover Charge.” An audacious plan was forming in her mind. Was she daring enough to attempt it?

  MIKE was surprised that Karen needed it spelled out. Isn't it obvious? He was beginning to suspect that he had as much to learn about women as Karen was learning about men.

  “Darlin’,” he said, “you have to understand that men don't get touched the way women do. We don't hug each other. And we'd hesitate to hug a woman friend without her initiating it. A single guy could go weeks without anything more than handshakes.”

  He paused, more than a little pleased that Karen was taking notes on what he had to say. In the notebook she guarded as though it was gold.

  “That's why you could Jump Start me by touching my arm or my leg and meaning it. It can't be casual. If you put your desire into it, I'll feel it. Otherwise, I will think you're only being friendly.”

  He was relieved when Karen smiled. “I can see now,” she said softly, “that when I touched you like that, I was being tentative, afraid to be rejected. I didn't put my desire into my touch. It makes sense that it seemed ‘friendly.’”

  She frowned, “But could we agree that, even if it seems tentative, that it's a Signal? I have to be feeling pretty bold to be verbal.”

  Mike gently touched her hair, “Well, then, you've been very bold lately.”

  She shrugged, “It's embarrassing for me, but I think it's worth it. For us.”

  “Thanks, Babe.”

  “Can you tell me about your Desserts now?” she asked.

  “You know, I've been thinking about that.” Mike rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Most guys would probably say a blowjob. They talk about it like it's the best thing since sliced bacon,” he paused. “They're great, but I don't usually want that.”

  He rubbed her shoulder, soft and bare in a skimpy cotton dress. “Honestly, my Dessert is when you ask for yours. I love massaging you. I love touching you. Feeling your skin. All your curves. That's a win/win whether it leads to sex or not.”

  Karen looked surprised. “You're saying, if I ask you to massage me, that's good for you? And if I'm thinking it might lead to something, that's okay, too?”

  “Either way, it's good,” Mike paused and checked her out deliberately. “But if, after awhile, you feel me rubbing up against you with some lead in my pencil — that would be a very loud Signal!”

  Karen's eyes got big, “That's a Jump Start for me, you know.”

  “A chubby?”

  She nodded, looking embarrassed and mischievous at the same time. “Yep. It turns me on. Like you saying you're ‘horny.’”

  Mike shook his head. “Claudia's right then. Our desire for one another is the biggest turn on for both of us. And all this time I thought I should tone it down in case you didn't want it. I didn't want to pressure you.”

  She grinned, “Most of the year, before ten-thirty at night, and after six in the morning, you can ‘pressure’ me all you want!”

  Mike moved her hair aside, kissed her shoulder and, in a husky voice she loved, whispered, “I'm horny, Babe.”

  KIMBERLEE had been puttering around her condo Tuesday night when the phone rang. Blissed out, she picked it up without looking at the screen. “Hello?”

  “Kimberlee?” The voice on the other end of the phone was low and resonant. There was only one person she knew with a voice like that. Her heart skipped a beat. “Yes?” She said, moving towards the sliding glass door. Suddenly, she needed some air.

  “It's Jack.”

  “I know,” she said, surprised at her own frankness.

  “Um, uh. Is it okay to call this late?”

  She smiled at his consideration. “Any time before nine is fine. After that, I think someone's been in an accident.”

  She heard a short laugh. “Okay. Good to know.” A long pause. “Would you be available for dinner Saturday night? Uh, Raul seemed to think an invitation would be welcomed.”

  Kimberlee felt compelled to put him at ease. As if they spoke every day, she
curled into the chair on her balcony, saying, “You should have seen his face, Jack. He was a wreck. We gotta let him out of the middle.”

  He chuckled, his voice even deeper. “Well, you know, after years of … let us say, not quite a warm reception ….”

  “I'm sorry about the chill,” she interjected without thinking. “I misunderstood you and reacted poorly. For a very l-o-n-g time.”

  She heard him hesitate a moment. “I'd like to know more about that,” Jack said, sounding a little more relaxed. “If you're willing to tell me.”

  “I'd really like that,” she replied, surprised that she meant it. For some reason, she wanted this man to know her and understand her. “I could do that Saturday night.”

  “That'd be great,” he replied, immediately. “I have soccer practice until seven. Is eight too late?”

  “You play soccer?” she blurted.

  “Not me,” he laughed. “There aren't many teams for men my age. I coach an AYSO team.”

  That was not something she would have expected of “Mr. Cool.” There may be a lot more to this man than I thought. And “man” is the operative term here. He is so not a “guy.”

  “That's something I'd love to hear about. I played soccer. It's a great game.”

  “Really? When?” he asked.

  “In high school. It was part of my mom's plot to toughen me up. She didn't want no sissy-girl for a daughter.”

  “I'd never call you a sissy-girl,” he said sincerely.

  She laughed. “Quite the opposite, I'm sure. Myra's plan worked a leetle too well,” she said, struck by how easy it was to be truthful with him.

  “Parents tend to take things to extremes. Anyhow, I think you're balancing out fine,” Jack said and Kimberlee reminded herself, Receive ….

  “That's a nice compliment. Thank you,” she replied.

  “You're welcome. It's true. Maybe you'll tell me more about that, too.”

  Kimberlee felt a warmth growing in her center. I never thought he'd be like this. “At eight o'clock on Saturday?”

  “Sure. Where shall I pick you up?” he asked.

  After she gave Jack her address, they said goodbye and hung up. Noticing it was still early enough, she called her grandmother.

  When Burt answered the phone, she chatted for a few minutes. “Hey, Granddad, you're spending a lot of time in your shop. What're you working on these days?”

  He chuckled and she noticed his voice was almost as deep but much rougher than Jack's. Like a boat with barnacles. “It's a surprise for your grandmother,” he replied. “I can't tell you about it yet.”

  That tickled her. “I love how you still make things for her. Remember how you used to make toys for me? And that whole doll house with the miniature furniture? Me playing house drove Myra crazy, afraid it would imprint me, but I loved it.”

  She paused, choked up. “And then there's my chair. It's beautiful. Breathtaking, actually. I don't know how to thank you.”

  “You're welcome, Honey,” came his simple reply. “Keep sitting in it and I'll be more than thanked. I'll go get her.” He hastily set down the phone.

  Did he get choked up too?

  Kimberlee waited, thinking about what she wanted to know. She sighed contently when she realized that she hadn't rehearsed it for days in advance. Wow, our relationship has changed.

  “You sound happy,” Claudia commented pleasantly.

  Kimberlee replied, “You know — I am. Mostly thanks to you.”

  She could imagine her grandmother's soft smile. There would be nothing smug about it. “You are very welcome. But I do not think you called to thank me. Did you want to have that conversation about Cover Charges?”

  Kimberlee suppressed a giggle. “How'd you know?”

  “It is the way you speak about that friend of Raul's,” Claudia said. “Am I right?”

  “Yeah, Jack. I think I like him,” she said, a little embarrassed. “But he's not my type and he's not really a possibility for a long-term relationship.”

  “Oh, good. Much the better,” Claudia replied unexpectedly.

  “How so?”

  “When a man is a woman's type,” she answered, “he stimulates her most primitive instincts. And when he meets a lot of her criteria for a future, she usually becomes an idiot around him.”

  “Why's that?” Kimberlee was intrigued.

  Claudia asked, “Remember how I told you that women are compelled to please men?”

  Kimberlee vaguely remembered that was part of the conversation about her past, but due to the high emotion at the time, she only faintly recalled it. “Could you tell me again?”

  “Certainly. Human instinct compels women to be pleasing to anyone we perceive as a potential protector and provider. It causes a woman to become whatever she thinks they want, and to conceal anything she thinks they wouldn't like.”

  “That's funny,” Kimberlee responded. “I kinda do the opposite with Jack.” She mused out loud, “I've been more honest with him in one short conversation than I've ever been with a man.”

  “Do you normally date your type?” Claudia asked.

  “Always. Doesn't everybody?” Kimberlee replied.

  “Yes. That is usually the problem. A woman's type — and a man's for that matter — makes her the most susceptible to her instincts. The ones she is the most attracted to bring out the worst in her.”

  “You're saying that I'm naturally a better person with Jack because he's not my type?” She was dismayed.

  “And because you assume you have no future with him. There is nothing to protect by being careful,” Claudia said.

  That's true. I think there's nothing to lose.

  “Tell me, Kimberlee, do you feel like you want him to know who you really are?” Claudia asked, taking her by surprise.

  “Gram-Cracker, are you psychic? I was thinking that a few minutes ago.”

  “That is a good sign, my dear,” Claudia responded. “When we resonate with a person at a significantly deeper level than instinct, we are compelled to tell the truth and reveal our real selves.”

  Kimberlee leaned back in her chair, shocked. Who'd have thought I would ‘resonate’ with Mr. Cool?

  “That's amazing,” was all she could say.

  “He sounds like a good man to help you put your toes back in the water,” Claudia replied.

  “Well, yeah. That's kinda why I wanted to know about Cover Charges,” Kimberlee replied, hastily adding, “Not that I'm thinking about jumping into bed with him.”

  “Karen called a little while ago. She forgot she has a school function tomorrow night. How about you come over and I will tell you how Cover Charges work. Then you can use the information whenever you want?”

  “You're the best, Gram-Cracker.”

  “You are welcome, Kimster.”

  KIMBERLEE arrived at Claudia's house as she was returning from her yoga class. Kimberlee noticed that her grandmother seemed tired when she was normally invigorated. I better not stay too long, she thought. It was about a twenty-five-mile drive, but worth it anyhow.

  They hugged warmly, chitchatted briefly and settled at the kitchen table with mugs of hot tea. Kimberlee pulled out her notepad, “Okay, I'm ready. Thanks for doing this tonight, in person.”

  Claudia smiled at her, “You are most welcome. I am glad you asked.” She sipped her tea and began, “Cover Charge is a tongue-in-cheek term referring to the fee someone might have to pay to get into a bar or other kind of establishment.”

  “I'm familiar with the term from going to comedy clubs.”

  “Wonderful,” Claudia replied. “In this case it refers to the ‘fee’ someone would have to render to enter your ‘establishment.’”

  Kimberlee choked, “You don't actually mean ‘fee’ do you?”

  “Not usually,” Claudia laughed lightly. “The term refers to whatever you require to be intimate with a person. And the requirement will vary by the degree of intimacy. For example, you wouldn't allow someone off the street to
hold your hand. There is a certain familiarity and affinity you would probably require first.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “There are two important things: First, to think ahead of time about what you require for every kind of intimacy you might ultimately allow. In the pressure of the moment, you might be confused or thrown off balance by an intimacy you were not ready for. If you have thought about it ahead of time, you can set a boundary more easily.”

  “I can see that. It makes it more thoughtful, instead of merely a ‘yuck’ reaction,” Kimberlee replied.

  “Yes. And that is important because, too often, a woman will ignore her ‘yuck reaction.’ She might think she is being unreasonable. But if she has thought about it ahead of time, it is easier to remember what she needs.”

  “How do I think about it ahead of time?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Start with making a list of everything on your ‘menu,’” Claudia said, stifling a yawn. “In other words, the kinds of intimacies you might engage in, given the right circumstances. Then think about what those right circumstances would be.”

  Kimberlee wrote furiously.

  Claudia continued, “It is easier if you remember times in the past when an intimacy worked for you, and when it didn't. Notice the difference. What came before, when it worked for you? What was in place in your relationship? And what was not in place when it was not welcome?”

  “Wait a sec. I'm writing all this down.”

  “Tell me when you are ready,” Claudia replied. Kimberlee scribbled enough to be able to figure it out later.

  “Okay. You said there are two important things. What's the other?” Kimberlee asked.

  “To tell the other person your Cover Charges before they run into a barbed-wire fence.”

  “Huh?”

  Claudia sighed. “Too often we do not tell the other person where our boundaries are. In other words, what we need. They find out by failing to provide it and upsetting us. That is like running into a barbed-wire fence. It would be kinder to let them know what we need in advance.”