The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  Karen groaned.

  “Yes, Karen?” Burt couldn't help but respond.

  “My life is flashing before my eyes. Every year before winter break, I get overwhelmed by all the special events. Inevitably, Mike has to come to my rescue with cupcakes or utensils or picking up last-minute gifts for the principal and office staff.” She laughed ruefully, “It's exactly like you said. He does it but he grumbles and gives me a lecture about how I could have anticipated it and prepared better. Since it happens year after year.”

  “A smart man will always choose an ounce of prevention over a pound of cure,” he replied simply. “Especially when the pound of cure comes out of his time and energy.”

  He watched as his granddaughter's face showed the connections she was making. “Yes, Kimberlee?” he encouraged.

  “You spoke about this before. When we were learning about Providing. How a man will measure the energy something requires against the value of the outcome,” she responded cheerfully.

  “That's it exactly. Saving someone from impending disaster almost always requires more energy than preventing it. A man will resent that extra expenditure and want to make sure it isn't required again. We enjoy solving problems but we don't want to solve the same one over and over. Hence, the lecture.”

  Karen's face looked like she was having an unpleasant recollection. “Yes, Karen?” he prompted.

  “I've always resisted and resented the lecture. In the moment, I've thought that his rescue wasn't worth it.” She sighed. “Now I can see why the lecture was totally deserved and I should have graciously agreed. And it would have been even smarter to implement his suggestions.”

  “That would have been a good way to show appreciation as well,” Claudia commented and Burt smiled, adding. “Yes, taking a man's advice shows him that he is appreciated and trusted. Very important.”

  Thinking he'd said all he wanted to, Burt asked Claudia, “Is there anything else you need my help with?”

  “There is one other thing,” she replied. “Rescuing a woman in an emergency, or from a situation she created herself, is one kind of saving that men are compelled to provide. I was hoping you could talk about how men are compelled to save women from other kinds of dragons. Like drudgery and discomfort.”

  Burt chuckled. “It's true. We want to save you from everything ugly. But only because women are special. We invent gadgets and appliances to save your time and energy. We like to solve your problems and save you that effort as well.”

  He smiled, “We'd rather you women spent your lives creating the magic that only you can — when your bodies and spirits aren't weighed down. And we'd much rather be uncomfortable ourselves than have one of you priceless creatures be cold or hot, hungry or thirsty.”

  He chuckled again. “Most men will agree that civilization was created for women. We'd be content with caves and campfires.”

  Claudia smiled up at him, eyes shining, and he knew he'd provided what she needed. He got up and kissed her soft cheek. Tipping an imaginary hat, he made his exit. “Thank you, Burt” was chimed in three distinct and lovely female voices.

  KAREN marveled at the concise way Burt could make his point. Listening to a man talk about the Language of Heroes added a special dimension, and weight, to their lessons.

  “What do you think?” Claudia asked, interrupting her reverie.

  Glancing at Kimberlee to see who should respond first, she noticed the other woman was deep in thought as well.

  “I think I'm going to ask for help sooner, and need to be saved less,” Karen replied, modeling Burt and cutting to the chase.

  Kimberlee stirred. “I'm going to get a bigger life.”

  “In what way?” Claudia asked.

  Kimberlee struggled to answer. “It's not clear yet. I just know that I rarely need help.” She turned to Karen, “I work all the time but I don't have anything in my life like your commitment to help other women. You sit there taking notes furiously, getting every word down. For yourself? No. You do it to spread the word and help others. I admire that. And, until this moment, I thought you were the only one who should do it.”

  Karen watched as a beatific smile spread across Claudia's face. She couldn't help but laugh. When Kimberlee looked annoyed, Karen nodded toward Claudia. “Look at her, Kimberlee. You have arrived at the Grand Plan.”

  Karen sat back and enjoyed the exchange of expressions between grandmother and granddaughter, as Kimberlee realized that this was what Claudia had intended all along. Claudia looked alternately busted and satisfied. She finally settled on an expression resembling the proverbial cat that ate the canary.

  Karen felt happy knowing she was part of a great gift to the woman she admired most. To Kimberlee, she said, “I guess you'll be needing my notes.”

  KIMBERLEE breathed deeply and smiled. The three of them sat quietly for awhile, basking in the glow of conspiracy. It feels good to be part of something important, Kimberlee thought and was reminded of Raul's comment. Maybe I'm the one who'll bring this to the office.

  “Grandmother?”

  “Yes, dearest?”

  “You've probably already noticed, but, could I go back to calling you ‘Grandmother’?” Kimberlee asked.

  “Of course you can. I only suggested the other to help you through the rough spots,” Claudia responded.

  “Thanks, it did help then. But,” Kimberlee hesitated, “‘Claudia’ feels too distant for me now.” She paused. “Before we stop for today, could you help me with something else? Or, are you too tired?”

  Claudia seemed alarmed at her question and Kimberlee wondered, Are we supposed to pretend we haven't noticed?

  “I am not too tired. What can I help you with?” Claudia answered.

  “I have begun a relationship, sort of, with the man I told you about, Jack.” Kimberlee saw Karen smile and sit up more attentively. “And, well, he has a lot of opinions. Strong opinions. Some of them I really appreciate. Probably because they are very strong opinions which approve of me. And some of them make me feel a bit defensive. Do you have a suggestion about how I could handle it?”

  Claudia perked up and Kimberlee felt less guilty about asking for more. “Karen,” Claudia asked, “did I ever teach you ‘Listening to Learn’?”

  “I don't think so,” Karen responded. “The only kind of listening I know of is when you wait thirty seconds longer. I taught it to Kimberlee a few weeks ago, like you asked.”

  Kimberlee jumped in, “She did teach me that and I've been practicing it. Most of the time it's amazing. But in this case, it gives Jack more time to express more opinions. And when I disagree I'm afraid to say so; I'm afraid it would be emasculating. But I don't know what else to do. I don't want to pretend to agree when I don't; so I've been keeping quiet.”

  Claudia nodded sympathetically, “I am aware of that pickle.” She relaxed back against her seat, “The kind of listening when you give them time to think is called ‘Waiting for the Well.’ The kind of listening you need is called ‘Listening to Learn.’ Would you like me to teach it to you?”

  “Oh, please!” Kimberlee exclaimed and Karen nodded vigorously, adding, “Mike's got a boatload of opinions too.”

  Karen flipped to a new page and nodded for Claudia to begin. Kimberlee briefly thought that she should be taking notes but decided against it. Karen's got that part covered, she concluded. I learn better by listening.

  “A man's opinions are formed from two sources,” Claudia said cheerfully. “The first source is his values. These are the qualities that express his identity, who he is as a person and as a man. One way to think of the Stages of Development is as a struggle to clarify and make manifest his values. As a King, Mike's values are rock solid.”

  Karen nodded and Kimberlee made a mental note to ask her all about the Stages of Development. There's more to this King business than I thought.

  Claudia continued, “Mike has also had plenty of time to collect the second source of opinions: trusted information.”

&n
bsp; “Could you give an example?” Karen interjected.

  “Most men love maps. They are a trusted source of information. They would rather spend a few dollars at the gas station to buy a map than ask a gas station attendant for directions. One is a proven source, the other is too risky.”

  “You mean there's even a good reason men don't ask for directions?” Kimberlee laughed.

  “Of course,” Claudia replied, smiling. “Men have a good reason for everything they do. Some are more difficult to figure out.”

  “Can you give another example?” Kimberlee asked.

  “I can give you numerous examples,” Claudia nodded. “You might notice that a metropolitan area like ours has several newspapers. Not everyone trusts the same source. Or you might suggest to a man that he speak to someone you know about something he is working on. Unless you make a good case for why that person is worth listening to, he will never act on it.”

  “That explains a lot,” Karen responded.

  “Or some men trust books over people. Or degrees versus experience. It can go both ways on that. The point is that men combine their values with the information they trust to form an opinion. This is why two men with the same information could have different opinions — by having different values that they apply to that information. ‘Forming an opinion’ is a conscious and committed act.”

  “Is that why they defend their opinions to the death?” Kimberlee asked. This topic was proving more interesting that she had anticipated.

  “A man vigorously defends his opinions because they are always an expression of himself. He is not merely defending a thought. He is defending himself.” Claudia smiled, “Understanding what an opinion is made of is the key to understanding how to listen to them.”

  “And how's that?” Kimberlee asked.

  Claudia sipped her tea and Kimberlee studied her grandmother's face. She seems to truly enjoy this. But it still wears her out ….

  Claudia carefully set down her cup and said, “It's called ‘Listening to Learn,’ as opposed to the way people normally listen to another's opinions, which is to agree or disagree.”

  “I'm not supposed to agree or disagree?” Karen asked, interrupting her note-taking.

  Claudia replied, “It is not about ‘supposed to.’ It is about the result you want. If you listen to someone expressing her or his opinion to see whether you agree or disagree, the results are predictable. If you agree, as a woman, you will feel more connected and safe. You will be compelled to tell them you agree in order that they feel the connection too.”

  Kimberlee could easily remember times when she'd done exactly that. Women responded enthusiastically. Recalling a time when she'd agreed with Raul, she couldn't quite decipher the look on his face.

  “Grandmother?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  “You said, ‘as a woman,’ and it doesn't seem like men react the same. When I've told Raul that I agree with him, it doesn't seem like he feels more connected because of that. For some reason, he's really annoyed.”

  Claudia laughed. “Yes. They are annoyed to be interrupted. To them, your agreement merely means you see the correctness of their opinion. So you've interrupted to state the obvious. It does not validate them in any way or make them feel a connection.”

  “And what happens when we disagree?” Karen asked.

  “As women, if we are disagreeing with the opinion being expressed, we mostly want whomever to stop talking about it.” Claudia explained, “Because with each word, women feel more distance from the other person. And that makes women feel anxious and disconnected.”

  Kimberlee could see now why she'd asked about opinions in the first place. When Jack expressed a strong opinion, like about their age difference, she could feel the warm connection between them breaking down. That made her anxious and she changed the subject, to try to reestablish the good feelings. It's a good thing he's so responsive to me, she thought. Other men have been like a train on a track and I couldn't change the topic.

  “And what happens if you express disagreement to a man?” Karen asked.

  “As long as you present it respectfully, they will be fine,” Claudia replied. “But do not expect them to welcome it. Your sources of information may be challenged. And possibly your values.”

  Kimberlee was now even more interested in an alternative. “Sounds like we really need this Listening to Learn thing. Both agreeing and disagreeing lead to places I don't really want to go.”

  Claudia smiled. “Very good, Kimberlee. Agreeing and disagreeing are still options when you need them. But Listening to Learn will create more understanding and more intimacy.”

  Kimberlee liked that idea. “And how do we do it, exactly?”

  “When someone is stating an opinion, catch yourself in the mode of agreeing and disagreeing. It will be there because it is the human default. Then switch to thinking a question in your mind: ‘What matters to this person?’ Or: ‘What are they showing me is important to them?’ Either question will do. Listen for their values, that expression of who they are.”

  Kimberlee thought about Jack's adamant opinion regarding age differences and relationships. He had also included income, religion and politics. It sounds like a relationship being about the day-to-day satisfaction of the people in it is what's important to him. He doesn't want it based on beliefs and circumstances. But aren't those important too?

  “Grandmother?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  “How do you know if someone will make a good partner?”

  Claudia frowned. “That is a very big question. One that I cannot answer today.”

  She patted Kimberlee's hand at her unconcealed disappointment. “I can tell you that Listening to Learn is the place to start. If, as you discover more about them, you find that you admire them and are aligned with their values, then they might make a good partner. Or a good friend.”

  Oh, Kimberlee thought, that's why Melissa and I have grown apart. My values have changed and we're not aligned anymore. But Jack and I seem to be in sync. So far, anyhow.

  Contemplating her evening's plans, her stomach lurched and her pulse sped up. She wanted to ask for more but her own embarrassment and her grandmother's obvious fatigue stopped her.

  “Thank you, you're right. That is a great place to start.”

  BURT noticed the ladies saying their goodbyes. He put the finishing touches on the last coat of varnish and admired his handiwork. Both items had turned out beautifully. When the varnish completely dried, he would add the hardware he'd acquired at the specialty store and they would be ready. He wasn't sure when he'd present his gifts but he knew the perfect moment would make itself clear.

  He found Claudia on the couch with her eyes closed. At least she's not back in bed, he thought, finding small comfort. But now I know what's happening ….

  He took up his station at her feet and began rubbing. When she opened her sleepy blue eyes, he said, “Waiting for you to call me over to help, I watched you today. I'm no doctor, but I figured out what's exhausting you.”

  Her eyes widened in interest and she struggled to sit up. After she got herself situated with a cushion, she cocked her head and said, “Yes?”

  He replied, “I'm tempted to walk you down a garden path, like you do with Karen and Kimberlee, to help you figure it out yourself.”

  She smiled, delighted. “I only do that because it is fun and they still value self-sufficiency. I have no such hang-ups, as they say. Come right out and tell me. No one knows me better than you.”

  “Okay, then,” he said. “The problem is not in what you are doing. It is in how you are being.”

  “And how is that?” she asked.

  “Today I saw you in way that I've rarely seen you: as a man.”

  “As a man?” Claudia asked, confused.

  “Yes, Sweetheart,” he replied. “I let my vision blur for a moment and I saw not the lovely little woman I've adored for fifty-some-odd years. I saw the essence of a man. In how you were
being.”

  “And how was I being?” she prompted, agitated enough to completely forget her own rule about waiting and listening.

  Burt laughed, “You're right. This garden path thing is fun. But you told me not to do it.” He straightened. “Here it is plain: you were being accountable. I could see the weight of it on your shoulders, in your face, in the way you leaned forward as you spoke, willing them to learn.”

  Comprehension slowly dawned on her beautiful face. “You are absolutely correct, my love.” She sighed and knitted her hands together thoughtfully, lips pursed. “I have been being accountable. Accountable for them embracing the Queen's Code.”

  He nodded. “And it is exhausting you.”

  She nodded in turn. “Yes. As a woman, I can task from dawn-to-dark with no consequence, if I have no hard deadline. But accountability requires testosterone. It's a natural state of being for you gentlemen. But while we can obviously be accountable, over time it exhausts women. With a fraction of your testosterone, it tires us even at a hormonal level.”

  Burt was intrigued. He'd only observed her behavior and her body language. As usual, he marveled at the breadth of her knowledge.

  “Does that mean women should never be accountable?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “No. It means that they need to accept accountability consciously. And when it is a great privilege. As being a mother can be. Or having a project that brings great good to the world. Or working for someone whom you admire.”

  She sighed again, “And then they need to take extra good care of themselves, knowing being accountable will tire them beyond what it looks like they are getting done.”

  He waited and after a moment she shook her head sadly. “I am more than passionate about my sessions with Kimberlee and Karen. It is the fulfillment of my life's work. It is hard to imagine not being accountable.”