Five Days Grace (The McRae Series, Book 4- Grace)

by Teresa Hill

  "But I know now that I didn't really love him, and we weren't happy together. It's tragic for him, but not for me. Not like it would be for me to lose... someone I really loved. The love of my life."

  She looked right at him when she said it, and his heart was suddenly going a mile a minute.

  Don't say anything, he told himself. Not a word. Not about loving her. Not yet.

  He didn't have the right. His life was a damned mess, and she was... everything he could ever want in a woman, everything he could ever hope to have, and he wasn't going to mess this up by scaring her or rushing her. She was too important to him to risk that.

  As far as he was concerned, it was a miracle she was even here and wanted him.

  "So," she said finally, "I thought about you, feeling guilty about surviving when so many others didn't, and wanting to make some sense of it, to understand. And I thought... I've tried to do that my whole life and never managed to. I'm afraid you won't, either, Aidan, because I don't think there are any real answers to questions like that."

  "Ahh, honey, it's not the same thing."

  "It's the same question. The same unanswerable question."

  "But you didn't do anything wrong."

  "Neither did you," she said.

  "God, Grace, I wish that was true. I just don't know."

  "You were out there doing your job. Those people who came to rescue you were doing theirs. That's it."

  "It might have been a trap. I might have led them right into a trap. I was following someone, following a weapons pipeline, and... Maybe I gave myself away somehow. Maybe they used me to set that trap, and I led our guys right into it."

  She looked so sad. What the hell was he doing dragging her into this mess that was his life? This ugly situation?

  Finally, she said, "Did everyone else do everything perfectly that day?"

  He shook his head. "I don't know. There's an investigation. It's not done yet. I gave them a statement. They'll go back and look over the whole mission. The plans. The orders. The radio communications." Including him practically incoherent and begging them not to come back for him, to let him die, which was going to do wonders for his career.

  "And you're afraid they'll blame you somehow?"

  "No, I'm not afraid of that. I'm afraid I am to blame."

  "It's a war, Aidan. The people on the other side are trying to kill you. That's what happens. People killing each other."

  She didn't say anything else for the longest time, just sat there looking at him, looking so sad and kind, it was breaking his heart.

  "I don't know," he said finally. "I just don't, and I don't know how to live with that. I'm trying, but I don't know how. I'm trying because I want to be with you. I want a life with you, and I'm not going to do that if I'm some kind of damned mess. I'm not going to drag you down into something like that with me, so I'm really trying to figure it out. I talked to my shrink yesterday morning and told him I was ready. I've been talking to him since I came to in the hospital, but only because I had to. But I'm really trying now, Grace. I told him I'd do whatever it takes to deal with this. Because I want that life, the one with you."

  "I want that, too," she said, tears in her eyes.

  "And you should know, I didn't before. I really didn't care if I lived or died. I'm not sure if I made that absolutely clear to you before."

  "You said that you didn't actually try to hurt yourself."

  He nodded. "Because I didn't care enough about living or dying to make the effort. I didn't care about anything. It was like I was... not really here. Not really alive. Or like I was, but I was behind this invisible barrier. There were people around, and I could hear them, see them. I talked to them when they demanded it. But there was a distance between me and them, like they were all so far away, and I just hurt. I kept drifting back to the crash, hearing it, seeing it, smelling it, and I thought I always would. You deserve to know that. I should have made it clear a long time ago. I'm sorry."

  "God, Aidan." She started crying then, really crying, looking like it had just broken her heart to hear that, and it scared her so much.

  "But I am not in that place anymore," he said. "I swear to you, I'm not. I'm better now. I'm stronger. I'm getting back to being the person I've always been. If I didn't think I could do that, Grace, I wouldn't be here with you like this. I wouldn't do that to you. I swear."

  He held her for a while, as she cried. The dog got up from his spot out on the deck and came over to them, worried about Grace.

  They sat there with the sun going down, that beautiful sky, the pretty color in the trees. It was like another world here, one all their own, and Aidan marveled at how he'd come to be in this place at this time with her. How an off-hand mention of his brother once stashing a battered woman here had come back to him when he'd needed a place to hide out.

  And what had happened next? She'd walked into his life and changed everything. It was so easy to imagine he could have died on that mountain in Afghanistan and never met her.

  But he'd survived, and now she was here, and life was so much better. He believed he was meant to be here with her, that it was as fated as her being plucked out of that hellacious life she could have led and brought to the one she'd had instead, where her arrival was considered a miracle.

  A miracle to Aidan, too, showing up now, being who she was, believing in him, needing him, wanting him, loving him. Because that's what she'd done. They hadn't said the words, and he wouldn't let himself now. But he loved her, loved her more than he would have thought it was possible to love anyone, and she acted like a woman who loved him, loved him fiercely, enough to fight for him and hang onto him, even when she was afraid.

  What an incredible turn his life had taken.

  It was still enough to make his head spin, how it had all happened, how his life was shit one minute, and now it seemed not just worth living, but amazing.

  "Grace, I'm going to be okay, I swear."

  She lifted her head from his shoulder and nodded through her tears, so beautiful and trying to be so brave and strong for him. "I'm counting on that. I'm holding you to it."

  "You do that, baby."

  "And you remember what you said to me. I don't understand why I missed all that bad stuff in my life, and it doesn't seem right or fair to me, either. But anybody I've ever tried to talk to about it has said the same thing you did. That no one deserves that kind of crap. You didn't deserve to die on that mountain, and neither did all of those other people. It's just what happened, what we have to deal with."

  "I'm trying," he said. "Trying to find any way I can to deal with it."

  "Well, I think if any one of those guys was sitting here with you right now, he'd say what you said to me. That he doesn't know why things happened the way they did, either. Luck? Fate? Or something we'll never understand? All you can do is just take it—take whatever good things you've been given and be happy. I believe they'd want that for you, every good thing imaginable."

  He closed his eyes. Would he say that to all those guys if they'd survived and he hadn't? He liked to think he would have. He hoped there was a place, at the end of this one, where everything made sense, and no one was angry or sad or lost. That it was perfect. That people looked back over their lives and said, Oh, that's why that happened. I get it now, and it all worked out in the end. I ended up just where I was supposed to be, and it's all okay. It's just fine. That there were no regrets. No anger. Nothing but acceptance and peace and pure love.

  If he were in a place like that, he wouldn't want anything but good things for everybody, right? He could be generous and kind and know everything was fine. It was just more difficult for those of us still here, in this world that had things that hurt and didn't make sense and made us feel angry or lost. Right?

  "I want to believe that. I do," he told Grace. And then he remembered, that big, awful thing he was dreading. "I have to go see their parents, their wives, their kids. I'm the last person to see those guys alive, and it's just s
omething we do. You go see the people they left behind, and tell them what it was like or some mix of what it was like and what they want to hear. You say, 'He talked about you, about how much he loved you,' because that's what guys do. Either that or they try to believe they'll make it back home one more time, get to say the words in person. In the end, it comes down to the people you've loved. I have to go talk to the people those guys left behind."

  "I could go with you," she offered.

  It took his breath away, that she would offer to do this big, hard, terrible thing with him. That she would want to be by his side. The wave of relief he felt was immense. It made him think what life would be like, to know that for every hard thing that came along, she'd be there. She'd walk that road with him, wherever it took them, probably hold his hand while they did it and let him lean on her, if he needed to.

  He'd never imagined leaning on a woman before he met her. It had never even entered his mind. That a woman might have that kind of strength, and that he would need it, want it, be so grateful for it. That there would be times when he'd hang onto her like she was life personified to him.

  He wondered if he'd ever be able to tell her that in words that could make her understand. It didn't seem like something that could be put into words—the way he was feeling, the strength of it, the certainty, the utter rightness of it.

  "I'd like it if you were with me," he told her instead.

  Every day of my life, he meant.

  Every single day.

  Chapter 20

  Eventually, they made their way back to the cabin. Grace cooked, and they ate on the porch with the dog hovering, hoping for a bite. Every time Grace tried to sneak one to him, Aidan caught her, and she felt guilty about spoiling the dog.

  "He's just so sweet," she said.

  "Yeah, and he's got you figured out," Aidan said. "And I swear, he knows that tonight I'll be out of the way. That he'll have you all to himself, and he's happy about that."

  "Don't say that." She really did wish they could just hide here in this little world of their own and never go back to their real lives. But they couldn't, and this was going to be so hard. "I don't even want to think about having to leave. I just want to enjoy every moment we have left."

  "Me, too, baby."

  He looked at her differently, more closely than usual, worried about what he'd told her at the lake, she knew. About telling her that, for a while, he hadn't cared if he lived or died.

  God, she just couldn't imagine. Not ever meeting him. Not ever having him in her life.

  And it scared her. She wasn't going to lie to him about that, and certainly not to herself. But very bad things had happened to him. They'd happened to everyone she really loved. It was just something life did to some people, and she wasn't afraid of that. People got through tough times. She knew that better than most people. She was surrounded by people just like that, and they were fine now. They were tough and strong and loved, and life was good for them. She believed it could be for Aidan, too, believed him when he said he wanted a life with her and he was going to work as hard as it took to have that. And so would she.

  So they would do the work. She'd be by his side, helping him as much as he'd let her, and they'd put a life together for themselves, a very good life. They'd make it good.

  "Tell me that's what you still want, Grace. You and me, together."

  "Of course, I do. You're not going to scare me off."

  He gave her a wry look. "I'm not trying to, although I can understand how you'd think I might be."

  "I don't scare easily," she said.

  "Obviously. I guess it's not so much that you might be scared as that... you might not want to do this. And I'd understand, Grace. God, I'd hate it, but I'd understand."

  "I want to be with you, and this is where you are. No, it's where you've been."

  "There's nothing else. In case you were worried, I've told you the worst of it. All of it, really."

  "Well, that's a relief."

  "So, we're okay?"

  "We're okay," she agreed.

  They hardly let each other get more than an arm's length away, knowing their time left was measured in mere hours. She hated thinking that, tried hard to push it from her mind all day, and when it came time for her to go, she just couldn't.

  "I'll just get up early and drive home in the morning," she said.

  "You? Get up early?" he teased.

  "I can do it. I want one more night with you. No, I want a lot more than one more night, but I can have one more night now, and I want it. I don't usually get to work until nine, anyway, and it's only an hour and fifteen minute's drive. If I leave by seven, I'll be home by eight-fifteen and at work by nine."

  "Honey, I want you here, believe me. But you've been sleeping like you're exhausted."

  "I know. It feels like I'm drunk on sleep, drunk in a good way."

  "Yeah, but I don't want you driving when you're tired and falling asleep on the road."

  "I won't. Promise. One more night."

  Which he wanted as much as she did, so it really wasn't much of a debate.

  Still, she didn't sleep much that night, and she thought he slept even less. They held onto each other desperately, like two people about to be separated for a decade or so, which she knew was ridiculous, but that's how she felt.

  "Promise me nothing's going to change," she said. "That this is real, and me leaving isn't going to make anything different."

  "It's real," he said. "Grace, there are things I'm not saying. Things about how I feel and what I want, and it's not because I don't know or because I'm not sure. It's because I don't think I have the right to say those things now, when there's so much that's up in the air about my life. But I want to say them. I'm going to work to get to the point where I have the right to say them. I just need some time."

  "Me, too," she said, giving him a quick kiss. "Exactly. Me, too. I have to put everything in order in my mind about Luc and put it all behind me and think and know and... Oh, darn—"

  "What?"

  "Luc. It's Tuesday, isn't it?"

  "Yes."

  "I completely forgot. Luc's mother and I had an appointment with the head of the art department at the college yesterday. It's why I needed to stay until Monday. We were supposed to see him Friday, but then something came up and he couldn't see us until then."

  Grace explained that Luc's mother wanted to set up a scholarship in Luc's name, but Grace wasn't sure it was a good idea, given her belief that he was probably sleeping with a woman from the college.

  "You could just tell her the truth," Aidan pointed out.

  "I know. But she was just so devastated by losing him, and all I have for evidence is a box of condoms and a strange sugarless sweetener. I wonder if she went to the meeting or cancelled it? I may need to call and apologize, then set up another meeting."

  "You know what? Let me handle that," he said.

  "Apologizing for me?"

  "The whole thing. Give me the name of the department head and a phone number. He may not know, but I bet his secretary does. If Luc was involved with a woman at the college, I'll find her."

  "I can do it," she insisted.

  "Baby, I'm sure you can, but why would you? When I'm here and happy to do it for you?" he said, tossing her own words back at her.

  She thought about it for a moment. "And you'll tell me everything?"

  "I will. I promise."

  She looked so sad. "I feel ridiculous, asking you to do this for me."

  "You didn't ask," he pointed out. "Besides, this is what I do, gathering intelligence. This will be easy."

  "Really?"

  He nodded. "I want to be the man who takes care of you, Grace. Let me be that man."

  "If I get to be the woman who takes care of you."

  "All right. Let's do that. Let's be a man and a woman who take care of each other."

  "Okay," she said.

  * * *

  Daylight came almost as quickly as night began,
it seemed, and sooner than she would have believed possible, she was standing by her car, her things packed, the dog already inside. Aidan rubbed Tink's head and told him quite seriously that he expected the dog to take good care of Grace.

  Then he held Grace while she cried all over his shoulder, feeling ridiculous and devastated at the same time. "I'm sorry," she kept saying. "It's silly, I know that."

  "It's okay," he said tenderly. "I feel like we've lived a couple of years in the last five days. And I'm not saying it was nearly long enough, just that it feels like we told each other so much and figured out so much and now it feels like everything has changed."

  "I know, and I don't want to go. I could just tell my family everything. That I came here and why and I found you and just fell for you, completely..." She stopped, pulled back in his arms to look him in the eye. His smile was so big, like the joy on his face.

  "Me, too, baby. Me, too."

  "They'll think we're both crazy, but I don't care," she insisted. "I'm a grown-up. I can do what I want."

  "Yes, you can."

  "You don't think it's a good plan?" she asked.

  "We could do it that way, if it's what you really want. But I'll remind you, I'll probably only be here for another six weeks or eight weeks, tops, so you should probably think about how you want to spend that time. Just you and me? Or with your family, probably freaked out about us and watching every move we make."

  "You're right. Good point. Sorry."

  "It's gonna be okay," he promised her once again, and she thought how wonderfully warm and solid and perfect he felt, how perfect life felt when he had his arms around her.

  She believed him when he said he wanted a life with her and that he was going to work as hard as he could to make that happen. Life worried her, but not him. She didn't think he would change or the way they felt would change. But life had a way of messing up people's plans, and that distressed her.

  Finally, she really couldn't delay any longer.

  He pulled open the car door and tucked her inside, kissed her once more, through the open door. "Call me when you get there and tell me you didn't fall asleep along the way."