She’d messed up. She and Kade had made a big mistake. They’d taken wrong turns and gone places they shouldn’t have gone. She had always known that there was a point at which it was hard to return to what was right. She knew the point. Her parents had talked to her about temptation, about knowing where lines are that shouldn’t be crossed.
She’d learned the hard way about consequences. A double tragedy, weeks apart.
When people had seen her tears, they’d assumed it all had to do with losing Kade. She now thought it must have been a triple tragedy. She and Keeton had been friends for years and after holding her, kissing her, he’d walked away. He’d told her that night he couldn’t take the guilt. He’d put his brother on that bull. And then he’d held Sophie.
Looking back she realized they’d been kids, just kids dealing with very adult situations and not turning to the adults who could have helped them. She should have been more open with her parents. Instead she’d pushed them away. For several long years she pushed everyone away.
The miscarriage and Keeton had become more secrets, things she tried to deal with on her own because she knew that in her family and in a town as small as Dawson, word had a way of getting around.
She should talk to her mom. Now, years too late, she should talk to her about what happened. She poured grain in the feeder for Lucky and swiped a hand down his neck. “See you later, friend.”
When she turned, Keeton stood behind her. He held Lucy in her car seat and a backpack was slung over his shoulder.
“Going somewhere?” She focused on Lucy rather than his haggard expression and the dark shadow of whiskers on his cheeks.
“Yeah, to Broken Arrow. I’ve got rides to make in the next few weeks and the guy watching my cattle called to tell me he has to go to a funeral.”
“So this is goodbye.” She didn’t want to compare it to the last time they said goodbye, but her mind went back, snagging hold of those memories.
“No, this isn’t goodbye. I’ll be back and we’re going to talk.”
“Okay.”
“Soph, I’m not going to force myself into your life. I’m too old for that. Either there’s something between us that we need to explore, or there isn’t.”
“I know the one thing I can’t do, Keeton. I can’t handle the thought of you chasing a dream that isn’t yours and putting your life at risk.”
“I’ve been chasing it too long to let go now, Sophie.”
“Good luck, then. Be safe.”
He tipped his hat and smiled a little. “Will do.”
As she stood there trying to figure out what she’d done wrong and how to fix it, he walked back to his truck, buckled Lucy in and then he was gone. She watched his truck until it was out of sight.
Fifteen minutes later she pulled up to her parents’ house. Her mom was in the garden. She turned to wave and then went back to weeding tomato plants. Sophie parked and walked to where her mother still worked. The tomato plants were blooming and had small, green tomatoes. The squash plants were spreading like crazy. There were marigolds scattered among the vegetables, to keep bugs away.
“Good timing.” Angie smiled and pulled off her gardening gloves. “I’m about beat and I’d love a glass of sweet tea.”
“Sounds good to me.”
Her mom squinted and gave her a careful look. “What’s wrong?”
How many times in her life had Sophie heard those words? Thousands? Up to a certain point in her life she’d always shared. And then she’d stopped sharing because everything became public knowledge in the Cooper house. Jackson had found her poetry and read it on the school bus. Mia had found a love letter to a boy and read it at dinner. She’d shared a secret with Heather and of course Heather couldn’t wait to get home and tell.
Looking back, it all seemed silly. Those were the things that happened in families. But in a family the size of hers, they happened with more frequency. She’d become a little too guarded. She could admit that now.
As an adult it was easier to see where she’d made mistakes, the wrong paths she’d taken. She’d also fought too hard to be independent because she’d always had her dad or brothers stepping in to take care of things for her.
Keeton had never been that way. He’d never taken over. Once he realized she could do something on her own, he let her do it. In the past few weeks he’d continued that habit. She could see that now. She should have seen it sooner.
But he had a point. Would she always compare him to Kade? Would he become a replacement for the person she lost?
“Soph?” Her mom reached for her hand. “Let’s have tea.”
Sophie walked with her mom to the backyard and through the back patio door into the big kitchen with the giant-size table that now had to be added to in order to make room for the sons- and daughters-in-law that had joined the family, as well as grandchildren. For now they used fold-up tables when everyone got together.
“Sit.” Angie Cooper pointed at the table. “I’ll get the tea.”
“Mom, I can get my own tea.”
“I want to get it.” Her mom filled two glasses with ice and then pulled a glass pitcher out of the fridge. “Lemon?”
“No.”
And then they were sitting across from each other, and her mom was waiting. Sophie sipped her tea and tried to tell herself that it was crazy to be afraid. After all of these years, why keep hiding things?
“Mom, about Kade…” She closed her eyes and felt her mom’s hand on hers. “Have you heard from Reese lately?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
Sophie opened her eyes and smiled. “I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately.”
“Having Keeton back in town probably hasn’t helped. I think you always kind of had a crush on him, didn’t you?”
“I meant Reese. I’ve been thinking of Reese.” Her little brother had joined the military and war in Afghanistan.
“Oh.” Angie Cooper swirled her glass. “Pray for your brother. He’s being sent somewhere. He said he can’t talk too much right now but he’ll call in a few weeks.”
“I wish he’d stayed home where he belongs.”
Angie Cooper nodded and her hand continued to cover Sophie’s. “Honey, there’s something we learn in life. We can pray hard but we can’t always protect the people we love. We can’t make the decisions for them. Now why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
“It’s what went on. Mom, Kade and I…”
“I know.”
“You knew?” Heat crawled up Sophie’s cheeks. “How?”
“A mother knows these things. I guess I should have talked to you about it. But then we lost Kade and…and I guess I thought it would only hurt more if we talked.”
“Mom, I was pregnant. When Kade died, I was pregnant.”
Sophie’s eyes warmed but she didn’t cry. She was all cried out.
“Oh, Sophie, why didn’t you come to me?”
“I was embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed? I’m sure you were heartbroken and afraid. I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t.” Sophie sipped her tea and after a few minutes returned to the conversation. “I didn’t know how to tell you. And then I miscarried.”
Her mom wiped a stray tear that slid down her cheek. “It breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for you. It’s too late to tell you that you could have come to me.”
“I know I could have, but at the time I was ashamed and I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“You’ve never disappointed me.”
“I wanted that baby. I know what we did was wrong, but losing that baby felt like losing Kade again.”
“Of course you wanted it. Whate
ver the circumstances, the baby was still a part of you, still a baby.” Her mom shook her head. “I wish I could have been there for you.”
Sophie hugged her mom, and her heart felt lighter than it had in years. “I should have let you in. I’m sorry.”
Her mom wiped at her eyes as Sophie sat down. “I know we’re talking about the past. But, Sophie, the present is what we’re living now.”
“Yes, I know.”
“So maybe we should still have a mother-daughter talk and you should tell me what is going on between you and Keeton.”
Heat climbed up Sophie’s cheeks. Way to make her feel sixteen and not thirty-five. “Well, not that, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Her mom laughed. “No, I wasn’t really asking you about that. I wondered if you still had feelings for him.”
Sophie stood. She carried her glass to the sink. Outside the kitchen window the swimming pool glimmered in late-afternoon sunlight. In the field a newborn calf followed behind its mother. She was having trouble processing the question.
“Still?”
“Sophie, you’ve always cared about him. I think you had a crush on him years ago, probably before you started dating Kade.”
“I don’t know how I feel. I know what I used to feel.” She smiled as she watched the calf get close and duck under the mother’s belly to nurse. “I felt guilty.”
“For loving him?”
“I loved Kade.” She turned to look at her mom. “I loved him from the time we were little kids on the bus together.”
“And you loved him because it was easy to love him. But I’m not sure you would have married him.”
Sophie turned her attention back to the calf. “Maybe not. But I don’t think I loved Keeton.”
“Keeton and Kade were definitely not one and the same.” Her mom smiled at a memory that softened her expression. She joined Sophie at the window. “But Keeton is the man who is strong enough for you now. I think maybe you knew that then, which is another reason you felt guilty.”
“I can’t do this.” Sophie turned on the faucet and splashed her face with water. “I wish it wasn’t so hard. Keeton left. When I needed him he was gone. And now he’s off riding bulls again.”
“And you’re mad at him, and worried about him.” Angie touched her shoulder. “Right?”
“I’m something.”
“It’s okay to love him. Let him into your life.”
It sounded so easy. Open her heart. Open her life. Let him in.
She thought about him riding bulls and she shook her head. She couldn’t lose him all over again. He had a dream to chase. She wouldn’t stop him because she knew how much it meant to him, but she didn’t know how to love him while he was putting his life in danger.
* * *
Keeton watched the bulls go through the pen and into the chutes. The Tulsa event had always been one of his favorites. The crowds were big. The money bigger. The bulls were the meanest. Yeah, he loved Tulsa. Or he had ten years ago.
Now he hated the idea that his knee would probably give up the ghost at any minute and he had drawn a bull that never brought a good score to his rider but always managed to get him in the dirt.
To top things off, he’d allowed Becka to take Lucy for the day. The two of them were in the stands together. Actually, three of them. Becka, Lucy and Becka’s new man. They’d gotten married a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately the two were going out of country. And they weren’t taking his daughter with them.
He rubbed rosin on his rope in preparation for the ride to come. He thought about Sophie at home. He thought about his land, the twenty acres he’d gotten back and the two hundred he couldn’t buy back. And the one hundred acres of it that Sophie had bought. Yeah, life had a way of changing a guy’s plans.
“You about ready to ride?”
He turned. Jackson Cooper stood next to him, his hat low over his eyes and his lips turned in a definite frown.
“About ready.” Keeton did a few stretches. At his age a guy couldn’t loosen up too much. He stretched for a left leg lunge, felt his knee give. He reached for the fence to pull himself back up.
“Yeah, you look ready.” Jackson shook his head. “Why are you doing this? You’ve got a sweet deal with Jeremy. You’ve got a pretty baby girl in the stands and my sister waiting for you in Dawson.”
Right, he had it all. He rubbed a hand across his jaw and thought that what he really had was a bad headache and no desire to get on a bull. That didn’t make sense at all.
Nothing made sense. “Thanks a lot.”
He jerked off his gloves, unbuckled his chaps and tossed his bull rope at Jackson.
Jackson grinned. “You don’t sound like you mean that thank-you. A guy tries to help you out a little and you act like you might rip his head off.”
“I don’t think you’re trying to help. I think you’re trying to keep things interesting for you.”
Jackson’s smile faded. “Well, I have to admit, life on the farm gets kind of quiet sometimes, Keet. But I’ll tell you this, no one wants you to make the right decision more than I do. I spent too many nights listening to my sister cry herself to sleep in the room next to mine. And I have a bad feeling she’s crying herself to sleep again.”
“Again, thank you.” He didn’t know if he meant it or not. Maybe a little of both. “I’m withdrawing. See you later.”
“You can’t head home right now.”
“Why not?”
“Bad accident. The road is closed.”
Keeton shook his head in disbelief. “How would you know that?”
“Heard some of the guys talking about it. They heard it on the radio as they were getting here.”
“You could have told me that before.”
Jackson shrugged one shoulder. “Didn’t think you’d do something crazy like withdrawing. So, do you want your gear back?”
Keeton took a step and shook his head. “No, I think I’m going to talk to Doc about a long-overdue knee surgery.”
And tomorrow morning, as soon as the road was open, he’d be heading back to Dawson and back to Sophie.
Chapter Sixteen
Sunlight glimmered on dew-covered fields as Sophie got into her car and headed for work. First she planned on stopping by the development to see how the houses were progressing. The Tillers were excited. She’d seen them the previous day after leaving her mom’s. The walls were up on the house, windows were being put in. It was just a shell of what it would become, but it looked a lot like a house and, to a couple who’d been living in a two-bedroom apartment with their three kids, that shell of a house meant everything.
The help of neighbors meant everything. The house would cost the families in the development a fraction of normal cost because they were donating free labor to each other. What added to the huge blessing was that people in the community had learned of the project and were dropping by to help out.
People, helping people. A few contractors had even donated leftover building materials from homes they had finished.
Sophie pulled up the driveway just as the sun broke over the eastern horizon. She parked and got out. Gabe’s truck was already parked near the Tillers’ house. He was the only one there. She shivered and an uneasy twist to her stomach reminded her that she shouldn’t be here alone.
What if Gabe’s aunt and uncle were right? Maybe she should have let Keeton do something, talk to him, call the police, something. Instead she wanted to handle everything herself.
She regretted her stubbornness now.
She walked around the house, trying to let go of her unease, trying to focus on the house and the long way they’d come since starting this project. A thumping sound in the woods drew her attention from the house to the line of
trees at the edge of the property.
Where was Gabe? She started to call for him and then she didn’t. If he wasn’t right here, there had to be a reason. She pulled her cell phone from her purse and shoved it in her pocket. If Gabe wouldn’t come out of hiding, she’d go find him.
As she walked toward the tree line and the edge of the property she knew that this had to be the worst idea ever. If she saw a woman doing something like this she’d probably call her every kind of fool.
The still-small voice telling her to stop suddenly became a loud voice telling her to pay attention and let the police handle this. She stopped but it was too late. Ahead of her in the woods she saw him move. She saw the fifty-gallon barrels scattered among the trees.
For months she’d owned this property and she hadn’t walked down here since that first week that it had become hers, back in late winter. She hadn’t been down here since spring arrived.
The sun heated her back as she stood there watching Gabe walk around the barrels. She was several-hundred-feet away, but it looked as though he was watering plants growing in the barrels. He turned, saw her and he walked out of the woods, shielding his eyes to get a better look.
“What are you doing here?” he shouted.
“Came to check on the houses. What are you doing?” She forced her voice to sound steady, as if she hadn’t noticed the barrels.
He laughed. “Right, we’re going to play stupid.”
With that he headed her way. Sophie backed up but she thought if she kept him engaged in conversation, maybe he would calm down. He didn’t look like a man about to calm down. He looked edgy and desperate.
“I thought this might be about the land.” She eased into the conversation. “You know I offered your aunt and uncle part of this land after I bought it. I didn’t want to run them off their property. They decided they were too tired to keep farming.”
“Yeah, and they didn’t think about me, the nephew they always promised would get his share. My uncle bought that land off my granddad before my dad could scrape up the money for an acre of it.”
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