Errant

by Armas, Florian

  Mohor was as surprised as me, his lips tightening in displeasure around his mouth, but he said nothing. Clearly, he had not been informed by Jara, or she had passed over his opposition; such an important decision could not be a spontaneous thing. Cernat was calm.

  And informed… And he has accepted it.

  Saliné had that look I saw in wounded men. Her face was immobile, her fingers gripping the table’s edge, her breath uneven. Everything in her stance was telling me to refuse, and many different emotions and thoughts passed through me, fast and confusing. What I wanted the most had been offered to me, and I did not know what to do.

  “Codrin? Will you accept?” Jara woke me up gently, her voice wobbling slightly.

  “Yes,” I said, reluctantly, because of Saliné’s reactions.

  “Then...” Jara sighed with great relief.

  “It’s not possible,” Saliné said, her voice void of feelings.

  “I know it will not be easy, but there is a refusal clause related to critical situations in the marriage contract. We have that kind of situation right now, and we will find a political arrangement with the Devans,” Jara assured her, yet I had the sudden feeling that it was nothing to do with the Devans. “The Devans understand that if we are destroyed now they will follow.”

  “I am pregnant.” Saliné voice was weak, barely audible, yet the effect in the room was astounding: the air became taut like a bowstring, ready to explode.

  “You!” Vio shouted, jumping from her chair, so angry that she could not finish her sentence.

  “Saliné...” Jara said, with that pain that only mothers could have in their voices.

  Saliné could no longer answer; she had passed out, her body sliding onto the floor. Jara jumped up and took her in her arms. Unconscious, Saliné’s face was tender, and she was breathing slowly, in a room filled with disfigured facial masks. Vio’s face alone was real, whitened with fury.

  I should have killed Bucur…

  That night I had the gentlest possible nightmare: picking cherries with Saliné, in a repetitive cycle, over and over again.

  “Thank you for receiving me,” Saliné said formally, as I opened the door. She entered alone, her escort of five soldiers waiting outside. I offered a chair at the table, and she sat, visibly uncomfortable. The day before was looming over us, and I went to the window, my mind frozen. A new moon stared cynically at me, foreseeing a completely unpredictable new cycle of events in my life.

  “I did not come to plead our cause to you. I am not the right person to ask you anything. There is just something I felt the need to tell you, even when it is quite unlikely that you will ever believe me. Please don’t interrupt. It’s … hard.”

  “Everything started after you kissed me. Do not mistake me, I don’t want to put any blame on you,” she added hastily, responding to some negative body signals in me that she had recognized; there was no conscious reaction from me. “Until that day, although I was unhappy, I was able to control myself, and the separation wall that mother built between us helped too. Please forgive her; it was the right thing to do. Everything changed that day. I could no longer sleep or eat. I hoped I would recover when you left for Arad. It did not happen. The only thing that helped me was Bucur’s attention. He kept my mind busy with stories and jokes, and after a while, I was able to sleep again, just because I was no longer thinking of you, day and night. And I made a decision: as there was no chance for us to be together I had to split us up. I used Bucur, letting him touch me in front of you. I knew you would suffer, and that it would make you hate me at first, then forget me. I needed you to forget just to help myself to forget, too.”

  “When Bucur came back earlier than expected, I found it easier to forget you by letting him get closer to me, thinking that I was mature enough to control the course of events. Everybody was telling me how intelligent I am, yet underestimating your opponent makes you vulnerable. I knew that he was at ease with women, but I thought them weak where I was strong. I succumbed to my pride. One evening I was no longer strong, and I ruined our future. It never happened again, but I am now paying for that evening. It’s not his fault, it’s mine, and I deserve my punishment. Tomorrow, I have to marry Bucur, a man that I despise. Since I despise myself too, we deserve each other.”

  Until that moment, I listened without really hearing her, yet my mind memorized everything, and later I was able to remember all that she said, word by word. My head turned fast, by its own will, and our eyes met. There was no spark in her eyes, but she stopped talking.

  I have lost everything. For the second time. First my family, now... Cernat told me in the morning that Bucur had been chosen as commander of the army. He had come to arrange Saliné’s visit, but for some reason known only to him, Cernat briefed me about all the decisions they had taken overnight, and I let him talk, numb. He said nothing about her marriage. It no longer matters if Bucur loses or wins. I have lost anyway, I repeated to myself. If he wins, all my efforts were for him. All. And Fate just played me... Slowly, I turned back to the window, freeing her to speak again.

  “Many times...” her voice stumbled for the first time. “Many times, I thought that Fate was angry at me, and there was no situation worse than mine after the marriage contract was signed, separating us. Looking back, I wish I had been right. My condition is far worse now, and I can’t even blame somebody else. With the Devans, there was at least the general appreciation that I was doing the right thing to save my family. Now, I am the one ruining everything, and there is no one else to blame except me. And it’s not fair that they have to suffer because I failed so miserably. Regarding you, I hope that Vio will be luckier and wiser than me, the one that everybody considered so wise. That was all I wanted to say.” She stood up and stopped in front of me.

  “I would like to touch you once more,” she whispered, and without waiting for my answer, her palm caressed my face. “Farewell, Codrin.” She left quickly, as if pushed by a strong wind.

  In a curious turn, there was no evident reaction in me that day. Now and then, some of her words resurfaced, in brief flashes. My mind was acting on two parallel strings of thoughts, one conscious and numb at the same time, feeling almost nothing, and the other hidden at a deeper level, grinding everything like a perpetual mill, trying to protect me until some solace for my nightmares could be found.

  Saliné’s wedding was cancelled after she had a miscarriage during the night, and a strong hemorrhage kept her in bed. In the evening, a disturbed Cernat came, trying to manage a badly hidden panic, asking me to visit her: Saliné wanted to see me one more time. She is still alive... my numb mind suddenly realized; when I opened the door for Cernat, I thought her dead. I had never seen him so fallen; he was now just a shadow of the Grand Seigneur I knew, and there was a thin expectation in his eyes that maybe my presence could help in avoiding what could not be avoided. She is still alive, I repeated, not able to react in any other way. We rode in silence, all the way down to the castle, and even there I spoke with no one. It was a world filled with silence and bad feelings – Saliné was loved by everybody.

  Jara grabbed my hand when I arrived at the bed where Saliné was lying, saying nothing. She was crying. Saliné looked pale and calm, her body and face somehow diminished –death was already claiming her. Eyes closed, she was breathing slowly.

  “Saliné,” Jara whispered. “Codrin is here.”

  “Thank you for coming, Codrin. My misery will end soon, and I will be free. At least I will not see the disaster I created.” Saliné opened her large, green eyes, staring at me, and I saw the effort consuming her. Acknowledging me, they closed slowly. “Mother, could you please leave us alone?” When Jara went out, Saliné opened her eyes again. “Codrin, kiss me once more.” That was all she asked, and I took her beautiful face between my palms, kissing her gently, her breath was so weak.

  “Saliné, you have to fight,” I whispered, suddenly knowing that the bonds between us were still unbroken, and my hand closed around her fin
gers that I knew so well, trying to warm them.

  “What is there to fight for, Codrin? There is nothing left.”

  “Me.”

  Two days later, contrary to all expectations, Saliné was still alive, albeit unconscious, and I was leading Mohor’s army in a battle that no one gave me any chance of winning, not even myself. A second army, six hundred strong, was coming from the north, and many of our troops had deserted us. Severin was doomed to fail in Orban’s hands.

  APPENDIX

  Codrin, son of the slain King of Arenia and the legitimate King. After his father’s death, he finds sanctuary in the former kingdom of Frankis sometimes using the name Tudor to conceal his real identity.

  Jara (Stejara), Grand Signora of Midia. Lost her castle to Grand Seigneur Orban after her husband, Malin, was slain in battle,

  Cernat, Jara’s father

  Saliné, Jara’s daughter

  Vio, Jara’s daughter

  Veres (Snail), Jara’s son

  Mohor, Seigneur of Severin and Jara’s second husband

  Aron (Big Mouth), Spatar of Severin (commander of the army)

  Bucur, Aron’ son

  Jorn, the second Secretary to Severin and Aron’s brother

  Jelin, Jorn’s son

  Cantemir, the Secretary to Arad

  Vlaicu, Chief of the Guards of Severin

  Ban, chief of the archers of Severin

  Tudor, an Assassin renegade and Codrin’s tutor

  Panait, the second Mester of the Merchants Guild in Arad

  Delia, Panait’s wife

  Vlad, born in Livonia, he followed Codrin to the former Frankis Kingdom

  Pintea, Vlad’s brother

  Gran, Vlad and Pintea’s grandmother

  Calin, the Secretary to Mehadia

  Mara, the second Secretary to Mehadia and Calin’s daughter

  Orban, Grand Seigneur of Arad

  Dobre, the governor of Orhei in Histria Seigneury

  Boldur, one of the Mounts’ chieftains

  Balan, the first Mester of the Merchants Guild in Deva

  Mona, Balan’s wife

  Senal, the Secretary to Severin

  Iaru, the third Mester of the Merchants Guild in Dorna

  Milene, servant in Jara’s house

  Dana, servant in Jara’s house and Milene’s sister

  Jeon, Milene’s husband

  Movil, innkeeper of the Caravans’ Inn in Hateg

  Lenard, the Seigneur of Dorna

  Dan, Chief of the Guards of Deva

  Rares, Seigneur

  Devan, the Seigneur of Deva