I ran forward and threw myself under him to keep him from hitting the ground.
“Goddamn it, Joey. What the hell are you doing?” he yelled.
The eyes of all of the people around us turned to stare. I felt like I was on stage. “I didn’t want you to hit the ground and hurt yourself.”
Renee came over with his crutches. “Here.” He snatched them from her hand. “I told you to use the bars. If you continue to push too hard your progress is going to take giant leaps backward. Go home. You’ve had enough today.” She sighed. It seemed I wasn’t the only one frustrated at how stubborn he was being.
Colin raced ahead of me toward the door. “Colin, wait.”
I gathered my stuff and found him waiting by the car. He climbed into the car the moment the door unlocked and stayed silent the entire ride. There was a weird atmosphere between us and I didn’t know what to say or do to change it. He was like a ticking time bomb and I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells; torn between wanting to be supportive and not wanting him to make things worse.
Even when I dropped him off, he didn’t speak to me. For the first night since he’d gotten out of the cast, I didn’t sleep at his place.
It seemed as if a wall had been erected between us. When I called the next morning, I found out he was at therapy. He’d switched his schedule. It hurt to know he was pushing me away. He claimed it was because he could concentrate better when I wasn’t there, but I knew differently and the slight was hard to swallow. The only thing I could do was hope that my Colin would eventually come back to me.
That night set a precedent; one that I didn’t want, but didn’t know how to change. We spent less and less time together and even when we did, the atmosphere remained. I could feel his withdrawal as if it were a physical thing. Each time I picked up my bag to leave, I prayed that he would stop me. That he would call out and ask me not to go. That he’d show even some indication that the distance between us was affecting him as much as it was me.
But he didn’t.
His mood deteriorated further, and I didn’t think it was just due to his lack of progress in physical therapy, although, Renee insisted that he was on track. The circles under his eyes became more pronounced and his appetite all but vanished. He’d fall asleep while watching TV, only to startle awake, his eyes wide, his breath coming in short pants. So many times I wanted to ask if he was okay but didn’t for fear of losing even more ground. A few times I’d walked into the room to find him and Greg having a heated discussion, but they kept their voices low, with Greg leaving the room as soon as I returned. I wanted to ask what was going on . . . but there was never a right time. I had coffee with Danielle a few times and dropped hints, but she never said anything more than that he was frustrated with PT, and as much as I wanted to push for more information I knew I couldn’t ask her to betray their friendship.
It was the night before I was flying out. I decided the time had come to talk to him. I felt shut out of so many things in his life and I needed to know he’d be okay while I was gone.
“Colin, can we talk?” I asked, coming through the door to his room after cleaning up dinner.
“Sure.” He shrugged. “What do you want to talk about?”
“You.”
His brows drew together. “Me?”
I sat next to him on the bed, taking his hand in mine. “I’m worried about you. Your nightmares are getting worse, and you’re coming home from PT even more frustrated than you were the time before. Talk to me. I want to help.”
I expected him to give me something—anything. He must have known that this was eating at me. He couldn’t be that ignorant. I held my breath as the silence dragged on, holding onto my hope that it would be that simple.
He leaned forward and took possession of my lips, his tongue sliding into my mouth to dance with mine. For a moment I was stunned, then I tried to pull away. I wanted to talk.
But Colin was determined not to let that happen.
His hand flexed in my hair, pulling slightly, while his other snaked underneath my shirt and bra to graze my nipple. It had been so long since he’d touched me like this that anything I wanted to talk about fell out of my mind. The only thing I could focus on were the sensations his fingers were masterfully creating in my body.
Every nerve was on fire. Before I knew it, all of our clothing was gone, his skin against mine, his body hard beneath me. He thrust his hips forward and his shaft spread me, hitting my clit with each stroke. He hadn’t even entered me and I was panting with need.
“I don’t need to talk. I need to have you.”
“You have me.”
I plundered his mouth with mine, trying to put everything I was feeling into that one kiss so that he would know how I felt. His hand reached down to guide his hard length into me. The pressure as he stretched my core was unbelievable.
“You’re so tight,” he groaned and thrust as far as his leg would allow before stopping, his breathless pants filling the air. His eyes caught mine and there was a moment, right then, when I thought we could make it right. That this physical intimacy would open him up, compelling him to share how he was feeling and we could get back to being the “us” we’d been before. Maybe this is what he’d needed all along.
“I need to move.”
His voice was tight. He put his hands up for me to use as leverage and I took them, lacing my fingers through his, moving slowly, careful to keep my gaze locked with his.
I rode him hard, giving him pleasure and taking my own. Beads of sweat formed on his brow as he did everything in his power to hold back his orgasm. “You need to get there,” he bit out and his hand snaked between us, his thumb finding my clit. A few small circles and I was gone, the orgasm crashing over me before I had a chance to brace for it. In my haze I was vaguely aware of his hips bucking upward, his fingers biting into my hips, holding me against him as his body let go into mine.
I dropped to his side, not wanting to leave my weight on him for too long, and curled up next to him. My eyes were so heavy. All the tension had affected my sleep and now that it was gone I felt myself relax, my body sinking against his. I couldn’t stay awake so I settled into him. This was where I wanted to be—where I needed to be. I had to savor this before we were separated again. Our talk could wait.
The bed shook, pulling me from sleep. Forcing my eyes open, the sounds of muffled crying hit my ears and I glanced over to see Colin’s face twisted into a mask of pain. His head whipping from side to side on his pillow.
Something was wrong.
I took hold of his shoulder and gently shook him, trying to pull him out of whatever dream held him captive. After a few good shakes, he bolted upright, his eyes snapping wide open.
“Colin?”
His breath came in heavy pants and his gaze darted around the room like he was trying to get his bearings. I lay my hand on his arm.
“Colin, are you okay?”
His head snapped toward me, his brows creased in confusion.
“Joey?”
“It’s me, are you all right?”
He sat silent for a moment, then gave his head a hard shake. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I studied him. There was something he wasn’t telling me. “It doesn’t seem like it. You were just flailing around on the bed like someone was trying to hurt you.”
His eyes widened once again for the briefest of seconds, before he let a mask of calm descend over his features.
“I said, I’m fine. It was just a weird dream. The more I moved, the more my leg ached.”
“Are you—”
“Joey, I said I was fine. The only thing I really need is a few aspirin.”
The firm set of his jaw told me if I pushed he would push back, and that was the last thing I needed.
I nodded and climbed from the bed to grab the pills. For a brief second after I dropped them into his hand, I thought about going back to my place. I was beginning to seriously question whether or not he wanted me here.
But with it being the last night before I left, I didn’t want to waste a minute, even if it meant spending the time in silence. At least I knew we was physically close.
He swallowed down the pills, then turned his back to me.
We really needed to talk in the morning.
A pained sound filled the room, pulling me from sleep. It took a moment for me to orient myself. That’s when I realized, the sound was actually muffled words.
“No. No, please not her.”
Colin’s head thrashed back and forth on the pillow. I gripped his shoulders tight and gave them a quick shake.
“Colin. Colin, wake up.”
Nothing.
My heart raced in my chest. I wondered what could make Colin cry out in such pain.
“Colin, please.”
I shook him again. That time his eyes snapped open, moving around the room.
“Joey?” His voice was hoarse.
“It’s me. Are you okay?”
He took a deep breath and nodded. “I’m fine, just a nightmare.”
“Colin—”
“I said it was just a nightmare,” he snapped. And for the second time that night, he turned his back on me, making the chasm between us grow even larger.
The alarm on Colin’s phone woke me, my hand aimlessly searching for my own as I fumbled on the nightstand.
Shit. I’d forgotten to turn mine on and I was an hour behind. There would be no time to talk before I left. I lurched up in bed and put on the clothes I could reach, hazily noting that I still had to stop at my apartment and grab my gear.
“What time is it?” Colin had woken a total of four times throughout the night. Each time he assured me that it was fine, and that I should go back to sleep. Which I did . . . until he woke me again. We were both exhausted.
“I have about an hour until I have to report for my flight.”
His eyes opened wide and quickly closed. He sighed and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. I figured he’d want to kiss me good-bye. After last night, I was expecting something sweet and romantic.
How wrong I was.
He pressed the briefest kiss to my lips, grabbed his crutches and walked out the door.
I wanted to lay back down and cry. It was so similar to the night we met. With more time I might have given into the tears, but I needed to get back to my place and shower. I collected my stuff and bolted out the door.
For the remainder of the day it felt as if a boulder sat where my stomach should be. Something didn’t feel right. And not just the fact that I’d been dismissed without so much as a “stay safe.” In my haste to leave I hadn’t paid much attention to Colin. But as I sat on the plane, waiting for takeoff, I thought back to this morning, and the look on his face right before I left. He tried to hide his feelings from everyone. That was his way. But I knew Colin. When he was upset or irritated, there was the slight twitch at the corner of his eye. It was so slight that most people wouldn’t notice it, but I noticed everything about him. I had every tic, every habit, committed to memory. I knew he was frustrated with the progress of his rehabilitation and continued to push harder and harder each day, driving himself to exhaustion, as though pushing himself harder would help him heal faster. But this was something more. I was sure of it.
He continued to go and every day he came home with very little progress. The therapists believed that a full recovery was a possibility, but the fact remained that there was a lot of pressure on Colin. Renee tried to explain to him one day that pushing himself too hard would only push him backward on his road to progress but that didn’t go over well and each day he ignored her advice. A lump rose in my throat every moment I watched him try to complete a step. I wanted to run to him, wrap my arms around him, and tell him everything would be okay. Not that I could ever do it. He didn’t want comfort, just the life he’d had before.
There was still a little less than three months on my deployment schedule. And while it killed me to leave, I had to. It was what I’d signed up to, and part of the reason I was able to understand Colin’s frustration was because I felt the same way about my job as he did his, and I knew it would kill me to not be able to do what I loved. I planned to call him every chance I got, and Danielle promised to check in on him. Hopefully, someone would be able to get through to him. All he needed to do was stop pushing so hard and he’d likely see improvement in his mobility.
The slight jerk of the plane as the wheels hit the ground pulled me out of my head. As much as I wanted to focus all my energy on worrying about Colin, I had a job to do. Other people’s lives were in my hands. If I lost focus, even for one minute, someone could get killed. I’d still worry about Colin, but I had the consolation of knowing he was alive and safe at home.
The door opened and I grabbed my bag and disembarked.
“Well, look who’s back,” a familiar voice called.
I pulled my sunglasses from my pocket and put them on. Leaning against the hood of a Jeep, legs crossed in front of him, wearing a smirk that I knew and loved, was Jensen. It was so good to see him healthy again.
“Jensen!” I ran forward and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Aww, I thought you might have grown tired of me.” He squeezed me tight.
As I breathed in his familiar scent all of the stress, the exhaustion, the memories of the last few months, came crashing down. Tears burned the back of my eyes. I tried to brace myself against the onslaught of emotions but I felt his mouth by my ear.
“Let it go,” Jensen whispered. “We’ll take our time getting back to base.”
Silently my shoulders shook. I let the world fall away for just one moment and let out all of the misery and hurt I’d been feeling. Everything dropped all at once, and Jensen stood there and let me get it all out.
Davis was dead. And as bad as I felt about that, what if Jensen hadn’t been taken ill? If he’d been with me that day, he would have been killed. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried harder. I’d been so focused on Colin that I’d never really stopped to think about Jensen not being there with me that day. My fears for Colin overruled every other thought in my brain.
I took a deep breath in through my nose, trying to get myself under control. We couldn’t stand there on the tarmac all day. Sooner or later someone would be through, not to mention I still had to check back in. I stepped back.
“Better?” Jensen asked.
“I think so.” I brushed at my face, hoping it wouldn’t be obvious I’d been crying.
We climbed into the Jeep. He put the key in the ignition, but didn’t start it. “You know you can talk to me, right?”
“I know.” I stared at my feet, embarrassed about losing it in front of him.
He lay his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be embarrassed. Talk to me.”
Glancing up, I saw him watching me. His brows were drawn down in concern. The dam opened and I told him everything: from the moment I found out about him not flying with me, to my last night with Colin. Jensen drove us the long way back to base, creating loops and extra mileage where needed. It was both freeing and heartbreaking at the same time. He nodded and offered little thoughts here and there, but other than that, he let me talk until I had nothing left to say.
He pulled the car next to the line of other Jeeps. With my tale done, I unfastened my seatbelt and opened the door. Jensen had made no move to follow me and I turned when he said, “You know you did the best you could, right?”
“I didn’t when they first sent me back to the States. I do now, though. It doesn’t make me feel any better thinking that you could have been with me. Not that Davis’s life wasn’t as important, but losing my best friend . . . I’m not sure how Colin did it.”
“He must be a really strong person.”
I shook my head. “I’m not so sure he has that strength anymore. It almost killed me to leave him.”
“He’s not alone, you know.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there for h
im in every way I can.”
He looked at me, eyes wide. “You’re falling for him, aren’t you?”
“I was . . . I am . . .” I leaned against the seat. “I’m falling for the man I met that night in the bar. The man I spent time with here. The man who came home to the States. And even though, right now, he’s angry a lot of the time, I’m still falling. Beneath the anger and frustration, that man is still there.”
“You know he may never be the same man again. The question is, could you still love him even if has to learn how to be a whole new person?”
I needed air. I got out of the Jeep and sat on the back bumper. Colin never pulling himself out of it was something I tried not to think about. I’d had dreams and it all pointed me in one direction. Jensen joined me at the back of the Jeep and a few minutes passed in silence before I admitted, “Yes, I could still love him.”
And I meant every word. Colin was only one who’d ever accepted me the way I was. And if being with him meant a few hardships along the way, then so be it.
I’d take him any way I could get him.
Chapter 22
Colin
I knew it was a dick move, leaving Joey like that, but I didn’t know how to handle all of the emotions running through me. Honestly, I didn’t think I could stand there and watch her board a plane to the one place I knew she could get hurt again. The bathroom door closed behind me and all the air was sucked from the room. I dropped to side of the tub and dry heaved into the toilet.
What kind of man was I? I’d told her over and over that her being in the Army didn’t make a difference to me. How could I question it now?
When my stomach stopped trying to force its way out of my body, I climbed into the shower. The shower seat was a pain in the ass, but I didn’t have the strength to stand on one leg that morning. The water washed over me, taking some of the tension with it. At least, until the banging on the door started.
“Colin, you get the hell out here right now!”
Goddamn it.
Danielle sounded pissed. Normally she was calm, looking at everything with a clear head. It was the part of her personality that made her a great lawyer. But when she was mad, you were better off to run the other way.
Just Once Page 17
