Just Once

by Rebecca Brooke

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t run anywhere. I was trapped in the bathroom. Any attempt to leave and I’d run right into her. I slowly climbed from the shower, balancing myself against the vanity, and grabbed a towel. Better to face the music now.

  I wrapped it around my waist and leaned forward to grab my crutches. When I was satisfied I wouldn’t fall, I reached out and opened the door. Danielle stood on the other side of the door. Arms crossed over her chest, her nostrils flaring with every breath she took, she looked like an avenging angel, ready to strike.

  “You better have a damn good explanation as to why Joey went to the airport all alone. She’ll be gone for three months and you don’t have the decency to see her off. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Are you done yelling at me so I can answer, or would you like to continue?” I maneuvered around her to my bedroom.

  “Don’t be an asshole, Colin. I’ve known you for a long time and I would never have expected you to act like this.”

  “Things are different now.” I grabbed a pair of boxers from my drawer and went to put them on when I realized Danielle had followed me into the room. “Do you mind?” I held up my underwear to give her a hint.

  She turned her back, but that didn’t stop her from yelling at me some more. “Don’t be ridiculous. The only thing that’s different is you. I know you were injured, but it’s like you left your morals out in the desert.”

  “Don’t go there,” I growled, feeling my control slipping away. I knew Tanner would kick the ever-loving shit out of me if I lost it on his wife, so I did my best, but if she was going to continue then it was going to get ugly.

  “Whatever. It’s like talking to a wall. Just make sure you apologize when she calls you.”

  “Fine. Now can I finish getting dressed so I won’t be late for therapy?”

  “Yeah,” she sighed. “I’ll wait for you in the living room.”

  My temper was still at fever pitch an hour later. Renee wanted me to do these ridiculous exercises that she claimed would help improve my leg strength so I could put more weight on it. It was bullshit.

  Her calm tone did nothing but increase my irritation. “We’ve been over this, Colin. I’m not trying to torture you. The leg machine won’t do you any good. You need to build your leg strength slowly.”

  My hands shook with the effort of keeping my temper in check. The handles of the resistance band felt like they could crack under the pressure.

  “These aren’t helping,” I bit out, holding them up.

  “Yes, they are. They’re exactly what you need,” she replied.

  The explosion happened before I could stop it. “Why the fuck does everyone think they know what I need? What I need is to get my leg working again so I can rejoin my unit. These”—I threw the resistance band at the wall behind her—“aren’t doing a fucking thing. You need to come up with a better plan that will get me where I need to be faster, instead of this childish bullshit. Until then, I’m outta here.”

  I grabbed my crutches and hobbled out front to wait for Danielle to pick me up. That was just the first of many flip outs. I snapped at Danielle for taking so long to pick me up. Greg became my target when he offered to pick up dinner. I was more than capable of having something delivered if I really wanted to. Little things irritated me and I noticed myself losing my temper faster than I had in the past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself.

  Joey wasn’t safe either.

  She called every few days to talk. The first time was more awkward than middle school kids trying to ask each other to dance. After the way we’d left things, neither of us really knew what to say. I had to give her credit, though. She rallied through the tense silence, and started up the conversation by recounting her day.

  Her calls continued. At first I was relieved to hear her voice, but as time went on I began to dread my phone ringing. Not because I didn’t want to hear her—I did—but as soon as the phone went dead I worried that it would be our last; that she’d get hurt again.

  It didn’t help that Joey starred in most of my nightmares, each one worse than the time before. They hadn’t decreased in frequency like I’d thought they would. It got to the point that I stopped talking when she called. I’d listen to what she had to say, but that was more or less to hear her voice and know she was alive. I kept hoping it would drive the nightmares away.

  It didn’t.

  One day, after a pretty disastrous therapy session, I broke open a bottle of Jack. About a third of the way through, I passed out. It didn’t stop the nightmares. I still woke up in the middle of the night, I just couldn’t recall the details the next morning. It was a small win, and made them a little easier to bear.

  It was a small window.

  And I took it.

  I started showing up to therapy hungover. What the hell was the difference? I wasn’t making much progress anyway. I would probably have to leave the Army for civilian life so why was I even bothering to try? Nothing I did seemed to work. If I pushed too hard—wrong. If I didn’t work hard enough—wrong.

  I ignored my friends, my family. They all thought they knew what was best for me. Maybe they were fucking psychics because I sure as shit had no idea. The only thing I knew for certain was that no matter how I felt about Joey, she deserved so much more than me.

  I wasn’t worth anyone’s time.

  Not anymore.

  Chapter 23

  Joey

  “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

  Jensen sat beside me in the helicopter. We were headed out on a rescue mission, and for a moment I couldn’t help wondering what Colin would say if I told him about it. Probably nothing. Our conversations had becoming increasingly one-sided, to the point where I was surprised he bothered to answer the phone anymore.

  But I was a glutton for punishment. Every day I called and hoped that he was back—my Colin, the man I fell in love with. And every time I hung up the phone, the hole in my chest grew a little wider. Before long, my heart would be shattered into a million pieces. It was the main reason I’d avoided our phone call when I got the orders this morning. I needed to be focused if I wanted everyone to return safely, and that couldn’t happen if I was focused on my relationship, or lack thereof, with Colin.

  “Yes.” I buckled myself in. “I’ve flown plenty of missions since I got back.”

  “Yeah, but they were just transports. This is an actual rescue.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  I kept my eyes forward but even so, I could see him studying me. He must have been happy with what he saw because he took in a breath and said, “Let’s go then.”

  We took off, flying in the direction of missing soldiers. We were about twenty minutes from the pickup site when bullets began to ricochet off the hull. The sound was piercing.

  My heart pounded in my chest. Thoughts of Davis’s death tried to haunt me, but I pushed them to the back of my mind. I couldn’t think that way.

  “We need to find another way around,” I said into the headset. “They’ll hit the fuel tanks.”

  “There is no other way,” Jensen replied. “We’ll have to take care of them ourselves. Do your best to get around. I’ll see how many I can take out so we can pull them up.”

  I reminded myself that Jensen was good at his job. He would take care of the shooters and we’d get our soldiers and leave. I just hoped rifles were all they had in their possession.

  I can do this.

  The shift and sway of the aircraft continued as I moved the fuel tank away from the bullets, the knuckles on my hand white as I griped the control as hard as I could.

  I can do this.

  The system rang out as it alerted us to the incoming missile, but instead of panicking, something snapped inside of me.

  I can do this.

  All of the fear and panic melted away. I focused on the job that needed to be done. My vision centered on the incoming missile. We pitched to the right, out of the line of fire, Jensen
aiming for the area where the rocket was launched from and setting off our own weapons.

  The rocket hit something behind us and the force of the explosion jerked the craft. When the dust settled, I was able to see the stranded soldiers on the side of a hill using rocks for cover. They seem to still be engaged in a firefight.

  “Down there.” I pointed to the spot.

  Jensen aimed for the insurgents, offering a cover fire. I hovered over the men.

  “Michaels, lower the harness.”

  Michaels was the flight medic, there because we weren’t naïve enough to think our guys wouldn’t need to be treated before getting back to base. Unfortunately, we could only pull one up at a time, and with all of the dissent in the area, I couldn’t risk landing.

  Luckily, there we’re only five of them. Working as fast as the equipment would allow us, we had all five men on board and were on our way back in no time.

  “Everyone okay?” I asked over the headset. The soldiers didn’t have them on, but I wanted Michaels to answer. I needed a better assessment of their injuries.

  “Fractured radius and ulna. Bullet wound to the thigh. Possible concussion. And a bullet wound to the shoulder with clavicle fracture.”

  The last one made me pause, my own shoulder tweaking in protest. I knew it was all in my head, since I’d been fully cleared for duty, but that didn’t make the memories any less real.

  We were out of immediate danger. The haze of adrenaline that swept over me in my time of need seeped from my system, leaving me with shaking hands.

  “Deep breaths, Joey,” Jensen said through the other side of the headset—the side pilots used to communicate with only each other. “You’ve got this.”

  I pulled in a breath.

  One, two, three, four, five.

  Let it out.

  I continued that way until my breathing evened out and my pulse slowed.

  “Thanks, Kevin.”

  “Anytime. I’m just glad to have my partner in crime back.” I could hear the laughter in his voice and my nerves settled.

  The next few hours flew by. We landed safely and helped wheel the guys to medical. I spoke to the one with the shoulder wound; told him about my experience. We debriefed. The commander was impressed with how we handled the situation and even shook my hand before dismissing us.

  “I need some sleep,” I said walking from the tent.

  “Forget sleep. I need food,” Jensen said. “Come on. Let’s get some food in you first.”

  “Okay,” I agreed.

  We settled at a table with our trays; Jensen immediately digging in, inhaling his meal. I picked up my food but couldn’t bring myself to eat so I prodded at it, willing myself to at least attempt it. But the food stared back at me. To be honest, I wasn’t very hungry.

  “Talk to me, what’s going through your head?”

  “Huh?”

  He looked down at my plate and back up at me. “I know the food isn’t great, but you haven’t touched any of it. You just keep pushing it around your plate.”

  Sighing, I set my fork down. “I’m worried about Colin. Our conversations get shorter and shorter each time I call. The last few, I’ve had to do all of the talking. I’m wondering what I’m bothering for.”

  “Have you considered the possibility that he might be depressed? You said his therapy isn’t going as well as he would like.”

  “No. He keeps pushing himself too hard for it to make any real difference.”

  “Have you tried to talking to him about it?”

  “No.” My shoulders dropped. “I’m always afraid to mention it.”

  “Maybe he can’t bring himself to mention it, but if you bring it up it’ll open the door for him to talk to you?”

  A plan formed in my head. “I think you’re right. He always tries to hides his pain from me and everyone else. It makes sense for him to want to hide something like that as well.”

  “Exactly.”

  With my plan ready to go, my appetite returned somewhat and I found it easier to eat the food on my plate. Jensen and I talked for a little longer and then I excused myself to get some sleep. If I wanted enough time to really talk to Colin, I would need to get up as the ass-crack of dawn.

  ***

  The sun was just starting to come up over the horizon. There was still about an hour left until I needed to be up, but this was the only time I had to talk to Colin.

  Exhausted, I sat on my bed, cell phone in hand. Jensen had asked Carla to order the phone and ship it over, giving me more time to talk with Colin. His emails during the first month had gotten shorter and shorter, and it became increasingly difficult to gauge his mood. After all, the written word can be so easily misinterpreted. The phone worked better. I could hear the different emotions in his voice. The first time I called he was surprised to hear from me but we still managed to talk for a few minutes before I had to go. The charges on calls were really expensive.

  He’d sounded so sad the last time I spoke with him that I didn’t know what to expect when he answered the phone. Every day was different. The last week or so, he hadn’t made any progress in his therapy and it was affecting his mood, although, he never directly took his frustration out on me. Most of the time he would turn inward, like he had after learning of the mission. Under normal circumstances, I might have let him have it...

  This was different.

  Deep down, I knew he should talk to someone. I knew his mindset went a lot further than frustration. Although after my conversation with Greg one night, it became obvious that it would take a lot for Colin to seek counseling. I’d gotten desperate when Colin continued to be aloof with me and called Greg to see if he knew what to do. He told me about the nightmares before deployment and how he tried to get Colin to talk to someone. He’d refused, even then.

  Still, I had to know how he was doing. I got up and went outside to keep from waking anyone else. Opening the phone, I dialed his number. I fidgeted with the rocks on the ground while I waited for him to answer.

  Ring. Ring. Ring. The call connected.

  “Hey, it’s Colin. Leave a message.”

  Where was he?

  “Hey. It’s me. I just wanted to hear your voice. Call me back.”

  I flipped the phone closed and lay back on the bed. He was probably in the middle of something. He’d call back. Even if it was just to say he was sorry he hadn’t answered. He always did.

  Five minutes.

  Fifteen.

  Twenty-five minutes later and the phone sat silent in my hand. Thousands of miles away, I couldn’t pick up and run over there to check on him. I rummaged through my stuff until I found Danielle’s number, saved in the contacts of my other phone.

  I dialed her number, hoping she’d answer. It only took one ring for her to pick up.

  “Hello?” She sounded confused.

  “Danielle. It’s Joey.”

  “Oh, Joey.” I could tell she was smiling. “How are you? Is everything okay over there?”

  She had to be one of the kindest people I’d ever met. It was no wonder that she had such a great bond with Colin and the guys. It was also why I no longer felt threatened by their relationship. Anyone who saw Danielle with Tanner and Nate couldn’t fail to see the love there. “Everything over here is fine. It’s there that I’m worried about.”

  “What’s wrong here? I saw Colin today at physical therapy. He looked fine to me.” Her voice rose with each word.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “He’s okay then?”

  “He was a few hours ago. Greg would have called if he wasn’t. Haven’t you talked to him?”

  “No.” The back of my throat burned. “I tried calling and left a message but I haven’t heard back from him.”

  “He didn’t call you back?”

  “No.” My hands trembled. It was getting harder to hold the phone to my ear. My voice dropped to a whisper. “Danielle, he always calls me back.”

  “Okay, now I’m worried. Tanner’s here. I’m going t
o have him call Greg and see what’s up. I know the charges for you to call are outrageous so I’ll call you back when I know more.”

  “Thank you so much. Sorry for disturbing you . . . I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “I’m glad you called. We’ll figure out what’s going on.”

  We hung up and I waited, watching the sun start its ascent into the sky. The pink rays were beautiful. At any other time, I would have marveled at a world where troops were sent thousands of miles away to a place as beautiful as this to protect our freedom, but the butterflies currently bouncing around my stomach buried those thoughts as quickly as they came.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there staring at the sky, but I jumped when the phone rang. Without bothering to look at the number, I put the phone right up to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Joey?” The voice was male, but it wasn’t Colin.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” I said, disappointment clear in my tone.

  “It’s Tanner. Danielle just called me from Colin’s. She said physically he’s fine, but that isn’t stopping him from being a complete asshole.”

  My heart sunk and I kicked my feet at the floor. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, does he?”

  Tanner didn’t pull any punches. “No. He’s spiraling downward. Danielle and Greg are trying to talk him into calling you. He’s—”

  “Being stubborn. He’s pushing me away again, just like he did before the mission.”

  “Joey, I’m so sorry.” My vision blurred. I was trying. Really trying. But at what point did I have to accept that he might have changed his mind about me—about us? It was all too easy to blame his lack of communication on him being depressed, or frustrated about physical therapy. But what if I was kidding myself? What if he was avoiding me because he didn’t want this anymore. Colin would never want to hurt my feelings, I was sure of that, so maybe his radio silence was his way of letting things die off?

  My silence must have spoken volumes because Tanner said in a low voice, “Don’t give up on him yet, Joey. Please?”