Just Once

by Rebecca Brooke

  She looked beautiful lying in my bed. A relief so sweet I could taste it spread through me. The sun shone a little warmer and the birds sang a little louder. For the first time in months, I felt free; as if a weight had been lifted off my chest. If I was going to get my head on straight, I needed to get my body running the way it used to. Things wouldn’t be easy. I had an uphill battle ahead of me. Habits to break. Negative feelings to let go of.

  With Joey at my side, I was going to do my best to become the man she deserved.

  Chapter 27

  Joey

  My eyes hurt like hell. I had no idea where I was. The last thing I remembered was the argument with Colin, then walking in with him to talk to his commander. He went in the room and then nothing. Afraid of where I’d find myself, I slowly opened my eyes. The dark head lying next to me on the pillow was so familiar I’d recognize it anywhere.

  He looked so peaceful. I reached out and brushed a wayward strand of hair from his face. There were worry lines etched in his features. Whatever he’d been going through while I was deployed had definitely taken its toll.

  I had no idea how in the hell I ended up in Colin’s bed, but I didn’t care. Someone had taken the time to remove my top shirt and boots. There was a hint of light peeking out from the curtains. Curious, I saw my phone sitting on the nightstand. I reached out and flipped it over. Six o’clock in the morning? I’d slept straight through.

  Then it dawned on me.

  My head snapped down to look at Colin. He’d slept through the night too. Not one nightmare. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest, trying not to wake him but it felt so good to let the tears fall. I’d held them at bay for four months. As the sobs came harder, I buried my face between my arms.

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there and cried. It seemed like forever when an arm wrapped around my side and brought me against his warm chest.

  “Oh, Joey. I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.” I could hear the tears that thickened his voice.

  I wanted to comfort him, to tell him that everything would be all right, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He’d hurt me time and time again. The rational part of my brain knew it was his illness, not him, but this time, I wanted the comfort. I wanted him to tell me that everything would be okay. It might have been selfish, but it was my turn.

  I let him rock me back and forth, whispering in my ear until, finally, the tears the dried up and I was ready to face him.

  The sight that greeted me when I lifted my head was a man caught up in his own pain. His face was wet from where he’d cried with me, his eyes clenched tight in remorse.

  “How can I ever take away the pain I caused you?” His voice was so soft, I almost didn’t hear what he said.

  I sat up and cupped is face with my hand. “You hurt me, but it really wasn’t you. The man I love is buried in here.” I pressed my finger against his chest. “All you have to do is let me help you find him.”

  “You can do anything you like . . . just don’t leave me.”

  “I haven’t left you.”

  “No, you haven’t.” He hugged me tightly to him. “I may not deserve you or your love, but I’m going to become the man who does.”

  “We’ll work on it together.” I leaned up and pressed my lips to his.

  He deepened the kiss, his arm sliding up under the hem of my T-shirt, goose bumps breaking out across my skin at the simple touch that meant so much. I pressed myself against him, wanting to get closer, to feel him everywhere, to—

  His alarm went off.

  “Shit.” He flopped back onto his pillow, panting.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He threw his arm over his eyes and growled. “I moved my PT appointment last night while you were sleeping. The therapist called to say she could get me in today, but it was at the same time as my PT appointment. I had to shift things around.”

  My heart sank. I thought we might have had a little time together. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. “Okay, I’ll get out of your hair, so you can get ready to go.”

  I reached for my boots. This was becoming a pattern for us. Colin gripped my shoulder, sitting me back up. “I was hoping you’d come with me to both sessions.”

  I twisted around so fast, I was surprised I didn’t get whiplash. “You want me to come?”

  He nodded. “I do. I need you to stand up to me when I push too hard, or not enough.”

  There was no guarantee that he would listen to me. Then again, if he couldn’t handle me standing up to him when I thought he was wrong, none of this was going to work. Maybe if I’d been more forceful with him in the beginning we wouldn’t be where we were. “Okay.” I glanced down at the fatigues I still wore. “I’ll need to go home to shower and get a change of clothes.”

  He looked at me for a second and then said, “I’ve never been to your place.”

  “No. I guess you haven’t.”

  With Greg being around to help him when necessary, we always stayed here. At the time, it was easier. With Colin now able to put weight on his leg, he’d be able to make it up the steps.

  “Let me get showered and changed and we can head over to your place.”

  “Okay.”

  I was still a bit wary, but I waited for him to get ready. If I was going to keep my promise of helping him beat this, then I was going to have to take the rough with the smooth. It meant trusting him when he hadn’t exactly given me reason to, but that was part of it. Give and take.

  The ride over to my apartment was quiet. To be honest, I wasn’t sure exactly what to say to him. I knew he was struggling and didn’t want to say something wrong and trigger a breakdown.

  “Do you want to come up? I’ll be quick.”

  “I’d love to. I’m curious to see where you live.”

  I took my time climbing the stairs, not wanting to leave Colin in the dust. By the time he reached the landing, I was fitting the key into the lock. The door clicked open and hands landed on my shoulders, turning me around. “Why are you being so quiet?”

  “I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to set you off.”

  A shadow passed over his eyes. “Yesterday was huge. It was a lot to take. I finally saw all of the damage I’d done to all of the people that I care about. I know that doesn’t automatically mean I’m better.” He tapped his leg with the cane. “Between my leg and my head, I have a long way to go, but what I do know is that there are going to be things that set me off. If we’re going to make this work, you can’t be afraid of that. I need you to be the one to talk me off the ledge. The one to ground me when everything else makes want to scream.”

  He was opening up.

  Being honest.

  He was trusting me with how he was feeling and that meant so much that I couldn’t put it into words. It gave me a feeling deep in my chest. It gave me hope.

  Maybe this could work.

  Maybe we could work.

  My arms snaked around his waist, pulling him tight against me. “I’d love to be that person for you. I just need to know you’ll still love me, even when I’m pulling you back from the edge.”

  “Oh, Bright Eyes, I have never stopped loving you, but you don’t deserve to be stuck with a man who can’t even carry you to the car when you fall asleep outside the commander’s office.”

  It had been so long since I’d heard that name and the casual way he said it, like it was second nature, the name just falling from his lips. It caused a smile to break out across my face, and it was so wide that it made my cheeks ache and my eyes crinkle at the corners. I was sure I looked like some sort of demented woman but I didn’t care. I leaned back to look him in the eye. “Do you really think that stuff is important to me? That I want a man to take care of me?”

  “No,” he answered.

  “I want a partner. Someone who’ll be with me through the good and bad, no matter how ugly the bad gets.”

  “I promise I’ll prove that I’m that man. Someway, somehow, I’ll s
how you that I can do it.”

  I snuggled back up against his chest. “I know you will.”

  This was the Colin I fell in love with. To know that he was in there, and that all I had to do was scratch the surface. All was not lost.

  We stood there, wrapped in each other’s embrace, the warmth of the gesture was what had been missing for so long. The man who was willing to take up my tray because he couldn’t take me to a restaurant. The man who told me the story about his best friend and pulling his wife back from the lowest of lows so she could find a new love of her own.

  I stepped back, otherwise I’d be tempted to stay there all day. “We’re going to be late if I don’t hurry.”

  He looked down at his watch and nodded. I raced through a shower and into a change of clothes. When I walked down the hall, I notice Colin staring at the pictures on the shelves in the living room.

  “Are these your parents?” He gestured to one of the pictures.

  “They are. I’d like you to meet them someday.”

  He turned. The grin transformed his whole face. “I’d like that.”

  “Okay, we can talk more later. Let’s go.”

  I took my time locking up my apartment, giving Colin a head start to the car. We got to his PT appointment just in time. Renee was waiting for us at the parallel bars.

  “I’d like to try this again.” Her face was buried in the folder on her lap. She sounded so tired and the day hadn’t even really started.

  “Anything you say, Renee.”

  She looked up from the file, noticing me for the first time. “Sgt. Brant, it’s good see you again.”

  “It’s good to see you too. I’m here to help Colin.”

  Judging by the look of relief that flashed across her face, it would appear Colin had caused many problems for this woman over the last few months. She allowed herself that one fleeting moment before she braced, as if ready for a fight.

  “Let’s get started then,” Colin said.

  Renee’s mouth dropped open. “You’re not going to fight me on it? Or complain about the pain in your leg? Or try to throw my stool across the room?”

  I looked at him and hissed, “You did what?”

  He chose to ignore me. “No. I’m going to do my best to listen. And if I don’t, Joey’s here to kick my ass.”

  She looked up like she was praying. If I really thought about it, I was pretty sure I’d had the same reaction when Colin walked into his commander’s office and told him the truth.

  Colin lined up at the end of the bars, griping them as though his life depended on it. He made the first pass easily, putting most of his weight on his hands and good leg.

  “Okay, during the next rep let’s put a bit more weight on the other leg,” Renee instructed.

  Colin followed her instructions. It seemed so simple that I wasn’t quite sure what I should be doing. When we got to the weight bench, I learned very quickly what she meant about fighting.

  “Add more weight, I can do it,” Colin argued.

  “You struggled with anything heavier two days ago. We need to work up to it.” Renee blew out a breath, shooting me a sideward glance.

  “Colin,” I said, sharply.

  His head snapped toward me, almost as if he’d forgotten I was there. I braced for his reaction, at the same time doing exactly what he’d asked me to do.

  “You’re going to push yourself too hard. If you want to get your leg back to where it was, listen to her.” I crossed my arms over my chest, daring him to challenge me. I was firm; ready to take him on if he argued.

  At least, that’s what I showed on the outside. On the inside, my stomach churned so badly I was afraid my coffee would make a reappearance. Colin’s eyes narrowed.

  I waited.

  I knew my being here wasn’t a good idea. Seconds ticked off in my head. His eyes closed. After a few deep breaths, he opened them and looked at me. There was a sense a peace in his eyes.

  “You’re right.” He turned to Renee. “I’m sorry. I need to listen if I want this to work.”

  “I’m—” Renee’s head snapped up. Her eyes were wide. “What did you say?”

  “That I’m ready to work at whatever level you think is best.”

  Renee smiled. “Then let’s get to work.”

  When Colin completed the first rep, I let out the breath I’d been holding. He’d actually listened to me.

  Hope soared.

  Every day for the two weeks I was on leave, I went to his sessions with him. And every day he fought a little less. I still worried that he would push back when I wasn’t there, but Danielle volunteered to be there when I couldn’t and within a month, he was walking without the cane. A month after that, he was running on the treadmill. Renee was very impressed with his progress. One day, she told me she honestly never thought he’d get his mobility back. She was afraid they’d need to switch his track from return to duty to acclimate to civilian life. The thought made me shudder. Colin would not have taken that well.

  The man I met that night in the bar and spent time with overseas slowly came back to me. He went to every therapy session and talked out his issues. Sometimes he brought me along. It was crushing to hear about not only the emotional pain, but also the physical pain he suffered as a manifestation of his disease.

  The nightmares went from more than one a night, to once a week, to none at all. This time he wanted to get better. He recognized his triggers and worked to overcome them. There was the odd night where he’d wake, but this was usually following a particularly grueling session, and he was able to talk through it with me enough to calm himself down.

  He stopped drinking.

  We both noticed that as his leg got better, so did his mood. Eventually, they exited him from physical therapy, having gained ninety-seven percent of his mobility and function back. It was better than anyone expected. We would run together every morning.

  The only thing he had to face to be returned to his own unit was a physical and mental evaluation. Colin wasn’t worried about the physical one, he’d be able to do that with no problem. I, on the other hand, was concerned about the mental evaluation. Colin still hadn’t been anywhere near a plane or helicopter. There were nights that tales of my assignments for the day made him shake so badly, it took hours to calm him down. In the last few weeks of therapy, they specifically focused on that one issue. His evaluation was getting closer and there was only one way to test his ability to cope.

  Take him for a flight.

  Without telling Colin, his therapist and I arranged for me to take him, his therapist not wanting to give him a chance to talk himself into being freaked out by the whole thing. Danielle called a friend of her father’s who owned a small single engine plane. It wasn’t until we were halfway to the small airfield that I gave him any indication as to what we were doing.

  It was a risky strategy.

  I just hoped it paid off.

  Chapter 28

  Colin

  Joey was acting nervous. A morning person, she was always bright eyed and bushy tailed the moment the sun peaked over the horizon, but this morning was something different entirely. She didn’t say much over her coffee, nor did she eat a whole lot at breakfast. She was up to something, but after everything she’d done for me, I had no reason not to trust her.

  We were in the car, traveling to some mystery location. The farther we drove, the more she fidgeted in her seat. I lay my hand over hers on the gear shift.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, hoping she’d open up to me.

  She looked at me out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah . . . but there is something we need to talk about.”

  Her voice wavered a bit, sending warning bells off in my head. “Okay,” I said warily.

  “It’s about where we’re going.”

  “You said it was a surprise.” I began to fidget in my seat. She glanced over and back at the road. Something in her gaze told me to ask. “Where are we going, Joey?”

  “To the a
irfield.”

  “To the what?” My mind had to be playing tricks on me. There was no way she would be taking me to an airfield. A place where they had planes. A place she knew would freak me out. I must have misheard her.

  I had to have.

  “We’re going to the airfield,” she repeated. And then she said the words that made my blood run cold, “We need to get you on a plane.”

  It became hard to draw in a breath. This had happened once or twice after hearing some of the things she did for training and having explained it to my therapist, I had strategies to calm myself down enough to prevent a full-blown panic attack.

  I counted up to ten, and then back again. I did this four times while we sat in silence, eventually pulling into the parking lot of a place that was so familiar, yet so frightening. My knee bounced up and down. A small single-engine plane sat on the runway in front of us. I wanted to throw up. To run. To do anything.

  Anything but get on that plane.

  No amount of deep breathing or other relaxation activities I’d been taught were any help. Flying in any aircraft was one thing I still hadn’t forced myself to deal with. I was absolutely terrified to get in a type of vehicle that left the ground. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. I hated to be weak, but I didn’t know how to stop it.

  “Colin.” Joey’s voice broke through my haze of panic. “Look at me,” she commanded.

  I turned my head to face her, hoping she wouldn’t make me do this. Our eyes connected.

  “Colin, you need to listen to me. I would never, ever put you in danger. I love you so much and don’t want to see you hurt, but you need to do this. You’ve surpassed every goal. This is the last one. I know you can do this.”

  My eyes darted back and forth from her to the plane. I knew she was right. I’d never pass the mental evaluation if I showed any fear of flying. That didn’t make it any easier to agree to this. She pressed her hand against my cheek.

  “I’ll be there every step of the way. I’m flying the plane. Please.”