The Kidney Hypothetical

by Lisa Yee

  I wasn’t ready for midnight. I wasn’t ready to leave Monarch, or to face whatever was waiting for me at home. I scrambled to think of an excuse to stretch the evening out. If I could buy some more time, I could convince Monarch to keep seeing me and prolong my future. I wasn’t a champion debater for nothing.

  “Stuart,” I said, gently taking him out of the box. “Poor little thing. You helped save his life, and now you want to leave him. Imagine what he must be thinking.”

  “He must be thinking that it’s time for a snack,” she said.

  “Let’s take him for one last walk together,” I said. “He’d like that.”

  “You’d like that,” Monarch volleyed back.

  “We’d like that,” I said.

  I held Stuart in front of her face. Neither moved. Finally, Stuart let out a small squeak, and when Monarch tried not to smile, I knew I had her. “Fine. C’mon, Higgs. Let’s take this mouse for a walk.” She flung the Robe of Depression around her shoulders like a cape, but then tossed it to me. “It looks better on you than me,” she said.

  I handed Stuart over as I slipped on the robe. I wasn’t about to argue with her.

  We hiked up the hill in contented silence. I never wanted the night to end. After a while, we stopped to sit and rest against a fallen tree. As Stuart nestled more deeply into the robe, Monarch leaned against me and shut her eyes. I wasn’t about to wake her. Whatever dream she was having, I hoped I was in it.

  I’m not sure how much time had passed, or when I fell asleep, but I awoke to Monarch poking me in the ribs. “Time to go home, Higgs,” she was saying.

  “No, no,” I corrected her as I stood. “We need to make it to the top of the hill.”

  “Higgs, I’m tired,” Monarch said, stretching.

  “Please,” I said. “We’re almost there.”

  She shook her head, but we kept going, hand in hand, and I was happy — that is, until we neared the top.

  “Holy shit!” I cried.

  Hanging off the side of the water tower was a banner of Hitler Higgs.

  “Wow,” Monarch said. “It really does look like you.”

  I was speechless.

  “Listen, Higgs Boson Bing,” she continued as I stared, unable to speak. “I have a few things to say to you. It’s been fun being your buddy, but we’re going to say good-bye, here. After tonight, you need to go back to your fancy life and your fancy college and the world that you and your parents have mapped out for you. You can’t be hanging out around here, slumming it.”

  “I’m not slumming it,” I told her. I could not take my eyes off the banner. “I want to be here. With you.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “No, you don’t.

  “You’re wrong.”

  “Prove it,” Monarch said.

  “How?”

  Monarch’s eyes lit up, and from the way her lips curled into a mischievous smile, I knew that I was in trouble.

  “Take the banner down,” she said. “I know it’s killing you to see it.”

  I felt myself pale.

  “But … but … but it’s up there. On the water tower,” I stammered.

  “Thought so,” she said. “I know your type. You’re all talk.”

  Monarch handed Stuart back to me, turned around, and started heading downhill. As I watched her leave, I thought about whomever it was who was trying to destroy me. I thought about all the shit that was my life. But mostly I thought about Monarch.

  My stomach started to flip, and against my better judgment, I heard myself calling after her. “Wait, Monarch, come back. I’ll do it!”

  Shit, damn, shit, damn, shit, damn Monarch. Why did I let her talk me into this, I thought.

  Don’t look down.

  Don’t look down.

  Don’t look down.

  I can’t look down, I told myself.

  If I looked down, I’d freak out, lose my grip, let go, plummet to the ground, and die. But that would mean that Stuart would die too. I checked to make sure he was still there. I was lucky that the Robe of Depression was so thick and had deep pockets to keep him from falling out.

  Shit, damn.

  “Higgs,” Monarch said, sounding bored. “You’re not even five feet off the ground.”

  “Shut up,” I snapped. “I’ve got everything under control.”

  I should have given Stuart to Monarch to hold.

  She was laughing. I used to think her throaty laugh sounded sexy, but I changed my mind. It sounded deranged.

  “Listen, Higgs, I was just testing you. You passed, okay? You don’t have to climb up the water tower. Five feet is fine,” she said. “Come on down.”

  “No,” I told her, despite the voice in my head shouting, “Get down!”

  “Come on, Higgs,” Monarch said again, adding coyly, “Climb down. I’ll make it worth your while.”

  I hesitated, wondering what “worth you while” meant, but then said stubbornly, “No.” I was going to climb that water tower if it killed me.

  “If you come down now, I’ll let you see my hidden tattoo …,” she teased.

  Monarch had a hidden tattoo?

  “No,” I shouted stubbornly.

  As I reached for the next rung, sweat dripped off my brow. My hands were clammy, making it hard to grip the ladder. The robe flapped open in the wind. Still, I was determined to reach the top. It was taking forever, and every step up felt like certain death. But I was not going to let whoever put Hitler Higgs up win. It was me against the banner. Breathe. Remember to breathe. It wasn’t so bad.

  After I made it over halfway up, I actually started to feel good. Confident. I was in control … until I looked down.

  Everything started to spin. I saw Monarch over there, and over there, and over there. She was so small. “Stop moving,” I yelled.

  “I am standing still,” she shouted back. “Come on down, Higgs. You’ve proven yourself!”

  Maybe she was right. Maybe it was no big deal that there was a banner of my face with a Hitler mustache and horns. Maybe I should even be flattered that someone was so obsessed with me they’d do this. I stepped down, but then my foot slipped.

  “M … M … Monarch?”

  It took me a few seconds to regain my footing.

  “Come down, Higgs!” she pleaded. “I never meant for you to go all the way to the top. It was just a joke.”

  Just a joke?

  Before Jeffrey died, I used to be just a joke.

  The metal ladder rungs were thin and increasingly hard to grip. Monarch kept yelling as I made my way up. My palms were sweaty. My heart was racing. Panic permeated every part of my body. Still, I kept going, like a madman, determined to succeed at any cost. Nothing could stop me. That is, until something tickled my arm.

  Oh god.

  I tried not to freak out. “Stuart, get back into my pocket,” I ordered. “Get in there, NOW.”

  Perhaps it was because he had almost been a snack for a snake … or perhaps because he was too scared to move … or perhaps it was because Stuart Little was a mouse and didn’t understand what I was saying, but whatever the case, he did not retreat back into the safety of the Robe of Depression. Instead, he jumped.

  Nooooooooo!!!”

  “Higgs? Higgs what’s happening? Are you okay?” When I didn’t answer, Monarch shouted, “I’m coming up.”

  She must have had superhuman abilities, because before I could tell her not to, Monarch was below me on the ladder. “Are you all right?” she asked, out of breath. Then she looked down. “Fuck, it’s scary up here!”

  “S-s-s-stuart j-j-j-j-jumped,” I told her.

  “Oh, Higgs.” Monarch’s voice broke. “I am so sorry.”

  We were both silent as we clung on to the ladder. For a moment, the world stopped spinning.

  “Come on down,” she said gently. “I’ll be here to catch you if you fall.”

  “Okay,” I said. I was exhausted. “I think it’s time for me to go
home.”

  “Me too,” she said softly.

  As we both took slow, tentative steps down the metal rungs, I wondered if the wobbly ladder could support the weight of both of us. Suddenly, Monarch stopped and I almost stepped on her hand.

  “Higgs?” she whispered reverently. “Higgs, look up.”

  When I did, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

  “Hickory, dickory, dock,” Monarch said.

  Stuart was climbing up the ladder.

  “Stuart!” I ordered. “Come back here, right now.”

  Monarch chuckled. “You’re not the boss of him, you know. Come on, Higgs, let’s go home.”

  “No,” I replied.

  “No?”

  “No, I’m not leaving without Stuart,” I said.

  “Hon, don’t risk your life for him, he’s just a mouse.”

  Just a mouse?

  “Whoa, wait, what do you mean? That’s Stuart up there. He’s my friend and he’s going to be all alone on the top of a water tower if I don’t save him!”

  “Calm down,” she ordered. “Stop screaming.”

  “I AM NOT SCREAMING!”

  Monarch raised an eyebrow.

  “I am not screaming,” I said.

  “Listen, Stuart will be fine. It’s you I’m worried about.”

  “Why? Do you think I’m a wimp who can’t hack it up here?”

  “Higgs,” she said as if speaking to a child. “It’s late. I’m tired. Graduation is tomorrow. It’s scary up here and you’re afraid of heights, and frankly, I think you’re sounding a little crazed.”

  “You can go on down,” I told Monarch. “But I’m not leaving without Stuart.”

  She shook her head. “All right, then, Higgs Boson Bing. It’s been nice knowing you. You’re on your own.”

  * * *

  A narrow ledge circled the base of the tower. There was a short rail around it, but not much else in the way of safety. It was like a million miles straight up and I was near the top. I screwed my eyes shut. As long as I didn’t look down, I’d be fine, I told myself. I focused on Stuart. He was making his way to the roof like a mouse on a mission. Maybe the mother ship was going to land and Stuart would be the first aboard. I would be second.

  “Stuart!” I shouted. “Wait for me!”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Hitler Higgs banner. I had almost forgotten that it was how this all started, with someone mocking me. And there I was, about to die while trying to rescue a mouse. I had saved him from the snake. Hopefully, I could save him from himself.

  Slowly, I inched along the ledge toward the banner. I was that close. I might as well get rid of it. Two flimsy pieces of rope lashed the banner to the rail. With a hard yank, I untied the left side, then flattened myself again the tower and inched to the right side. The banner floated to the ground, back and forth like an oversized feather. That had been easier than I thought, but my next challenge would not be.

  I couldn’t see Stuart, but I knew he had made it to the very top. He was probably alone and scared. I know I was. The only way to the roof was via a narrow ladder with no safety cage around it. One hand over the other, I began my final climb. Monarch’s screaming was drowned out by the wind and my fears.

  My palms were sweaty. My legs were weak. Still, I headed up. I couldn’t save everyone, but I could save Stuart.

  “Stuart! Stuart,” I cried, “don’t move!”

  Just then I heard a commotion.

  “Let go of me!!!” Monarch was shouting.

  I looked down to see her standing between two men. It was dark. Even with the light of the crescent moon, I couldn’t make out who she was with. I prayed that it wasn’t the twins who had tracked us down to exact revenge. I shuddered and almost slipped. A big bright light shone into my eyes. I had to hold one hand over my face to keep from being blinded. What sounded like the voice of God pierced the air.

  “You in the pink bathrobe, this is the police. Come down NOW.”

  The police?

  “Right now,” the voice boomed. “You are illegally trespassing. Come down, NOW.”

  Slowly, I resumed my ascent.

  “You are going the wrong way,” the voice boomed. “Come DOWN.”

  I ignored him and didn’t stop until I got to the very top. It was flatter than I thought it would be. I tried not to vomit. Deep breath. Take a deep breath, I told myself. I was feeling light-headed. Deep breath. I shut my eyes and when I opened them, I spotted Stuart standing still in the dead center of the water tower roof. He looked frail and frightened. One gust of wind could have blown him to a certain death. I was too chicken to walk to get him, so I crawled.

  As if knowing I was coming to rescue him, Stuart was perfectly still. I cupped him in my hands. We were both shaking. In the distance, I could see my high school — bright lights illuminated the empty football field.

  “Young man,” the voice said, this time sounding kinder. “Come on down. Whatever happened can’t be that bad.”

  What was he talking about? I wondered. What did he know?

  “Don’t jump,” the voice said. “Don’t jump.”

  Don’t jump? Is that what they thought? That I was suicidal?

  Gingerly, I inched my way back to the ladder. The ground seemed miles and miles away. Why was Monarch spinning? Was that a cop spinning with her? This was no time to dance. I gripped Stuart tight, then slipped him deep down into the safety of the bathrobe pocket. “Stay,” I said. This time he did.

  I felt sick again. Vomit rose in my throat. I pushed it back down, but not soon enough to erase the bitter acid taste that lingered in my mouth, a reminder of how fucked my life had become. Part of me wanted to hold on tight to something. Another part of me actually did want to jump. I could just let go right now, I thought. It would be so easy. Nothing had been easy for me before. But this seemed simple, until I thought about Jeffrey.

  “Come down,” the voice boomed. “Slowly.”

  “I ca … ca … can’t,” I said weakly. My hands shook. My grip was gone. Every time I tried to step down, my foot was suspended in air and I couldn’t find the next rung. Terror seized me, and in one mad scramble, I was back on top of the water tower. I sat down as the panic paralyzed me. I had never been so tired in my life. It felt as if my entire body was shutting down.

  “Just stay where you are,” the voice said. “I’ll come to you.”

  I wasn’t going anywhere. I checked to make sure Stuart was still in my pocket.

  He was.

  In order to calm myself down, I fished around and retrieved Jeffrey’s Rubik’s Cube from the other pocket. I could hear his steady voice, telling me how to solve it. Telling me to slow down. Relax. “Take your time, Higgs. Give it a chance and it’ll all come together. Don’t overthink it. Don’t force it.”

  There. I did it. All the colors were the same on each side.

  I set the Cube down. That’s when I heard the voice again. “Higgs? Higgs Bing, is that you? Dude, what happened to you?”

  A cop was walking slow and steady toward me. He had his hands up in the air as if he were surrendering. Something about him was familiar, and for a moment, I thought it was Jeffrey. My brother and his best friend were always watching police shows, and were obsessed with cops.

  “Connor? Connor Douglas, is that you?” I asked, blinking hard.

  He broke into a huge grin. “Yeah, man. It’s me. Higgs, are you hurt?”

  “I’m fine, Connor,” I answered, even though I wasn’t so sure about that.

  “Are you trying to hurt yourself? From the look of your black eye and swollen lip, I’d say someone already tried to do the job. And that pink bathrobe? Nice touch.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not suicidal,” I told Connor. “I’m scared of heights.”

  “I remember,” he said. “Higgs, are you angry? Do you feel like hurting someone?”

  I shook my head.

  “Are you okay? Can you move? Can you walk?”

  I nodded.


  “Higgs,” Connor said, “I gotta ask, what the hell are you doing up here?”

  “I had to tear down the banner. It had my picture on it.”

  “It must have been one ugly picture!” Connor said. I recognized his laugh from when he and Jeffrey hung out together. They were always laughing. “Come on, Higgs. I gotta get you down.”

  “I can’t, Connor,” I said. “I can’t go down that skinny ladder. I … I just …”

  “Okay, okay, not a problem.” Connor walked around the top of the water tower as casually as if he were on solid ground. He kept talking into the radio on his collar, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Then he sat down next to me. “Man, look at that,” Connor said, motioning toward the sunrise.

  I looked at the giant orange sun rising over the city. It was beautiful.

  We sat in silence for the longest time. “Am I going to jail?” I finally said.

  Connor shrugged. “I don’t know. Let’s just get you down safe first, then we’ll figure out the rest of this mess.”

  Just then the water tower started to shake.

  Earthquake?

  I looked down. Rolvo? I rubbed my eyes. It wasn’t Rolvo. It was the real thing.

  “Is there a fire?”

  “No,” Connor said, looking at the hook-and-ladder fire truck. “They’re here to rescue you.”

  The Rubik’s Cube was still on top of the water tower. We were leaning on Connor’s police car as his partner, an older guy, stood nearby, clearly bored. I cupped Stuart in my hands, determined never to let any harm come to him.

  “Firemen and policemen,” Monarch said, nodding approvingly. We were watching Connor talk to the firefighters and the EMTs. He was holding the banner. “Higgs, we ought to do this more often.”

  I ignored her.

  “Hey,” Monarch shouted. “Hey, cute cop guy!”

  “His name is Officer Connor Douglas,” I told her.

  “Hey, Douglas, I could really use a smoke,” Monarch yelled. “You got a cigarette?”

  “Smoking’s bad for your health,” Connor said as he approached us.