Breathe Her In

by Gretchen Tubbs

  “I’ll wait for Hadley,” Makenna calls from the doorway. “She’s on bus duty. Don’t you dare start without us.”

  Settled in our booth, drinks in hand, all eyes are on me while I try to find the words to explain what is going on in my life. Where do I even start? How much of the past can I give them?

  “Come on, Eleanor. We’re dying here. Usually these emergency mid-week drinking sessions are reserved for Bren’s drama. What gives?”

  “Hey, I’ve been drama free lately. I resent that.”

  “Yeah, since you hooked up with that hottie from the pool this summer.”

  A wicked smile takes over her face at the mention of her new boyfriend, who looks like he should be gracing the covers of smut books, not working at the local university. Beer in hand, she takes a healthy chug to hide her reaction, but it’s pointless. We all know what she’s thinking about. I’m pretty sure half of our table is thinking about it.

  “Can we get back to Eleanor?” Laurel calls, pulling everyone from their inappropriate thoughts about Bren’s boy toy.

  I let out a heavy breath. “Okay. Um, have you noticed Della’s dad?” I shake my head before I continue. It’s time to get used to the fact that he’s not her father. “I mean, he’s not her dad, he’s her brother. Do you know who I’m talking about?” Everyone starts shouting at once.

  “Are you kidding?”

  “Hell yeah, I’ve noticed him!”

  “He’s the only reason I get to school on time.”

  “I’ve volunteered for morning duty so I can start my day off right.”

  My head is spinning. Okay, so they know who I’m talking about.

  “Anyway, girls,” I call, making them stop talking, “Rafe and I have a bit of a history.”

  “Ooh,” Caroline says, her eyes sparkling. “What kind of history?”

  “A long, messy, convoluted one.” I rub my hands over my face.

  “Based on the sparks I see flying between the two of you each morning,” Hadley adds, “I think it’s safe to say he doesn’t want it to remain history anymore.”

  “I think I need to start hanging out in your room before school,” Makenna grins.

  “I think I’m gonna be sick,” I groan.

  “What’s the problem?”

  Gulping down half my glass of wine, searching for some courage, I start listing the problems. “Let’s see,” I begin, ticking them off on my fingers. “I’m his sister’s teacher, so I’m pretty sure that’s violating some sort of ethical clause in my contract, we dated when we were young and he left me without saying a word, he’s bossy, he doesn’t listen, he broke my heart, I have a boyfriend… there are lots of problems.”

  “Let’s get right to the ‘we dated when we were young’ part,” Laurel chimes in. She’s a total romantic.

  I drain the rest of my glass and Caroline signals for another round. I haven’t spoken about this in eight years. “We were young, like high school young. It was not an ideal situation.” I pause, contemplating how much of his life needs to be shared with my girls. I don’t think you can fully appreciate the situation, though, unless you know everything. “He was in foster care because his mother was a monster. Rafe would get taken from her, but then have to go back with her every few months. It was a vicious cycle and it really did a number on him.” The waitress comes back with my glass of wine and I take a few rather large sips. “We met in middle school and I basically forced him to be my friend.” The memory makes me smile. “I think I was the only friend he had. When he was with Mrs. Claire, he would attend the same school as me. When he would stop showing up, I’d know that he went back home. Every couple of months Rafe would show back up, angry, cold, beat down, and I’d force the friendship on him again. Soon, I wouldn’t have to push so hard. He welcomed it. When we got to high school, we became something more. We’d meet in secret, even during the times that we were separated because he was back with his mom, and we fell in love. I knew he was the only person I ever wanted to be with. I would have done anything to be with him.”

  I stop my story when the tears make an appearance.

  “What happened?” Laurel whispers.

  “He left,” I breathe out, wiping at the tears dripping down my chin.

  “Where did he go?”

  “I don’t know. I tried to find him, but I couldn’t.”

  I tried to find him, and it destroyed me.

  It almost killed me.

  “Anyway,” I continue, not wanting to dwell on that dark time, “I’m doing my home visits the day before school starts and come face to face with fucking Rafe Matthews. To say I was shocked would be a bit of an understatement.”

  “Has he said anything about it?”

  “No. We only talk in the mornings before school. Even then, we barely say anything. He gives me coffee, gets just close enough to make me have a few inappropriate thoughts about him, and then leaves. I thought Della was his. I thought that’s why he left, because he’d gotten someone else pregnant. Today, he made it quite clear that wasn’t the case.”

  “What happened between you two before I walked in?” Hadley asks.

  “He saw the flowers from Tristan and got all caveman about it.”

  “He totally wants you back.”

  “I have a boyfriend.”

  They all laugh. The term ‘boyfriend’ is stretching it. Tristan and I barely even see each other, and when we do, I’m usually on his arm for some type of function for his firm or a political fundraiser. I think he only wants to date me because of my last name and my father’s position.

  “A boyfriend that you won’t sleep with,” Bren reminds me. “Don’t you think there’s a reason for that?”

  “Come on, Eleanor,” Laurel adds. “Look at the two of them. Tristan might be the perfect boyfriend on paper, but you can’t compare them. You and Rafe have a history. He’s back now. That’s got to mean something.”

  “I’m sure it does, but I’m also his sister’s teacher.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing that our boss isn’t ever at school and doesn’t have the slightest clue about what happens on campus. He’ll never even know if you decide to screw that tattooed piece of awesomeness on your desk or something. Just lock the door.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously,” Bren echoes, not a hint of teasing on her face.

  “I’m not screwing Rafe on my desk.”

  “But you’ll screw him somewhere else?”

  The heat hits my face in an instant. “Can we stop talking about this?”

  “After you promise that you’ll give him a shot,” Laurel says.

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Make it that simple.” Her words cause my mind to itch with a distant memory. “He wants you. You want him. Shit, we all want him. Do this for us,” Caroline begs. “Do this for your friends. Those of us that are married need some excitement in our lives. Let us live vicariously through you.”

  I close my eyes and shake my head in disbelief that I’m even considering this.

  Caroline pulls out her phone. “Did y’all see that shit Ms. Gavin posted on Facebook last night? She’s crazy.”

  I take the last sip of my wine, happy that the subject is dropped, and enjoy the rest of my night out with my friends.

  5. Rafe

  The noises coming out of her room are disgusting. I know exactly what’s going on in there. I was at Thomas and Declan’s house one night a while back and they found some porn buried under their mom and dad’s bed when we were playing hide and seek. Later that night, partly fascinated and partly disgusted, we watched it for a few minutes. The people on the movie weren’t old men with sores and missing teeth doing those things with my mom, though. And, I didn’t see the people on the movie smoking crack before they had sex. Crack that I had to go get because my mom was too messed up to go get it herself. Money’s tight this month. Well, it always is, but this month it’s really bad. So, this is how mom’s paying for the drugs. It was either her or m
e. Those nasty old men weren’t gonna lay a hand on me. Luckily, I’m big enough to fight back now.

  It doesn’t seem like the three of them are coming out of that bedroom anytime soon, so I do something that I hardly ever do. Digging in the bottom of the pile of old clothes shoved in the back of my closet, I get out the cell phone Mrs. Claire got for me the first time I stayed with her. Despite the fact that I’ve been in and out of her care a couple of times since then, she’s always let me keep the phone. Careful not to make any noise, I avoid the squeaky parts of the floor and head out. I call Mrs. Claire first. She’ll know who to call about what’s going on here. It’s not the first time I have to do this, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

  Then I call her… I call Eleanor.

  I need to hear her voice. I’m surrounded by so much ugly and dirt right now, I just need a few minutes of her clean, pure beauty.

  My heart pounds against my chest while I wait for her to pick up the phone.

  “Rafe,” she breaths out. No one says my name like she does. It sounds like a prayer coming from her lips. She never quite lets her voice come out all the way- my name always just rides on a stream of air. No other word leaves her mouth sounding like my name.

  I have to clear my throat before I can speak. “Hey.”

  “Are you alright? Where are you?” She knows I don’t call often, and when I do, it’s not without reason.

  “I’m at home. Well, I’m not home; I’m on the side of the neighbor’s house. They’re gone for the day. I just needed to talk to you for a minute.”

  “What happened?”

  “The usual.”

  “I don’t know what the usual is. You don’t tell me anything.” She’s always been put off by the fact that I won’t share things with her, but I can’t do it.

  A shaky sigh escapes. “I don’t want any of my filth to touch you, Eleanor. I’m okay. I just got off the phone with Mrs. Claire.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I smile for the first time all day. “You shouldn’t be. A phone call to her means I’ll see you soon.”

  “I can’t wait.” She waits a few beats before speaking again. “I miss you.” Her voice comes out slow and sweet, the words dripping like thick honey. God, what I wouldn’t give to be having this conversation face to face.

  Things are starting to change between us. Our friendship feels heavier, more intense. I ache sometimes, right in the center of my chest, I want to see her so bad. “I know. I miss you, too.”

  “So, we’re starting high school soon,” she says, changing the direction the conversation was headed. Neither of us are quite ready to address what we both feel happening.

  “Yeah.” Before I talk myself out of it, I do something I’ve been dying to do all summer. The need to see her is pressing down on me. I need to hold her, breathe in her goodness, and let it wash away my filth. “Do you think you could meet me somewhere tonight? Can you get away from your dad?”

  “He won’t even notice I’m gone,” she answers, her voice sad at the revelation. “Where do you want to meet?”

  I explain to her how to get to the park across from Claire’s house. From what she’s told me, it’s not too far from where she lives. I want to see her. It’s been too long. I know I’ll be back with Claire soon, but it’s been an entire summer without Eleanor. That’s almost unbearable.

  My mother’s yelling cuts through the thick evening air. She’s calling out to me, and doesn’t sound very happy.

  “Shit,” I grumble. “I gotta go. I’ll see you later tonight,” I whisper to Eleanor, hanging up before she has the chance to speak. If I hear her voice again, I might not have the will power to get off the phone.

  “Coming,” I yell back, just as I shove the phone deep in my pocket.

  ___

  “You’re late,” Claire fusses from the stove. “Being late to Wednesday dinner is practically a sacrilege,” she teases. “You know this, Rafe.”

  Claire’s not exaggerating. The tradition started when her daughters Lucy and Maggie were young, back when their father was still alive, and it’s still going on today. Now, there are just a few more people at her table. In fact, we all can’t even fit at the table. Maggie and Lucy are both married and have their own kids, Claire adopted another daughter along the way, and the family has welcomed me and Della into the fold. Lucy’s best friend Miller Ashby is usually here when he’s in town, his wife and their kids in tow.

  “Blame it on Della,” I shrug. “She fell asleep on the way home from school.”

  Worry takes over Claire’s face. “Is she not sleeping well? Are the nightmares getting worse? Have you told her therapist?”

  “Calm down, Mamma Bear. She’s just tired. It’s the first month of school.”

  “Where is she?”

  “Bennett stole her from me as soon as we walked through the door. I think they went outside to swing.”

  “Does she need a snack? What about homework?” She stops, gives me a small smile, and puts her arm around my waist. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to question your capabilities, Rafe. I just worry about her. I still worry about all my babies, even though all of you have babies of your own to take care of.”

  “I know. She’s doing great. Her teacher is amazing. Della loves school this year. She actually looks forward to going every day.”

  Thomas comes strolling in right when Claire pulls away and goes back to the stove. “Speaking of school, I’m picking up Dells tomorrow.”

  “Why?” Thomas never does something like that out of the kindness of his heart. He’s always got an ulterior motive. I wouldn’t put it past him to use my little sister as a way to pick up women.

  “Her teacher’s a hot little number.”

  Irritation pricks along my spine. “Watch your mouth, O’Leary.”

  “What?” he shrugs, popping a chip in his mouth.

  “Don’t talk about her like that.”

  Bennett and Finn file into the room, Declan on their heels. They all go for chips off the kitchen island while Thomas keeps running his mouth.

  “Rafe’s gettin’ pissy because I want to check out Della’s hot teacher.”

  I move in closer but he just doesn’t get it. “What did I just say?”

  “She’s a classy little broad. Looks real innocent, too.” The grin he’s sporting has me seeing red. “I bet I could show her some things she-”

  Before I can stop myself, my hand’s wrapped around his throat and I have him pushed up against the wall. “If you want to keep all your teeth, you won’t finish that fucking sentence.”

  “Whoa, boys.” Bennett pushes us apart and Thomas slumps down, his hands on his knees, sucking in air. “Outside, Rafe.” I don’t move fast enough for him. “NOW,” he barks.

  I give Thomas another shove with my shoulder and head out the front door, Bennett following right behind me. Finn’s voice is echoing throughout the house, tearing into his son for acting like a complete dick.

  “What was that about?” he asks. I don’t stop pacing the front yard long enough to answer. “Rafe, you know how Thomas is, always running that damn mouth of his. You’ve been in this family long enough to know not to take anything he says seriously. Who gives a shit if he’s talking smack about the hot teacher? I’m sure it’s harmless.”

  I know that it was probably harmless, but just the thought of anyone else touching her makes me want to put my fist through a wall. She’s mine. She’s always been mine. Now that I have her back in my sights, there’s no way that I’m going to let anyone else lay a finger on her.

  “What’s up with you?” he continues. Bennett won’t be satisfied until he gets an answer from me.

  “It’s complicated.”

  He stops my pacing with a hand to my shoulder. I resist the urge to throw it off. “I’ve been dealing with your brand of complicated for years, Rafe.”

  Bennett Strickland is married to Claire’s oldest daughter Lucy. He’s also a product of the foster care system. Bennett had a shi
tty run of things as a child, starting with being abandoned behind a hospital when he was born. He was placed with some good families, but was also with some that made my mom seem like mother of the year. I was close with Finn growing up, still am, but Bennett and I have always had a special connection that I don’t feel with any other member of this family. The two of us were cut from the same cloth.

  “Eleanor and I have a past.”

  He makes a face for a minute, obviously thinking back on all of the conversations we’ve had. “I don’t remember you mentioning anyone by that name.”

  I shake my head. “I never breathed a word about her. To anyone.”

  Good things were never given to me. If they were, they sure as hell didn’t stay mine. Eleanor was the best thing I’d ever had. I was so scared to tell anyone about her. The thought of her being taken from me was paralyzing. In the end, it didn’t matter; I was taken from her.

  “How deep is this past?” he asks, but I get the feeling, based on what happened with Thomas in the kitchen, he already knows the answer to his question.

  “Too deep for me to get into out here while we’re supposed to be inside havin’ Wednesday dinner.”

  “You gonna fuck with Thomas anymore?”

  “Not if he keeps his goddamn mouth shut.”

  Bennett shakes his head. “I thought I was done with all of this. I haven’t had to break up fights between you boys since high school. She must be somethin’.”

  That’s one way of putting it. “You have no idea.”

  “Trust me, Rafe, I do. Have you met my wife?”

  ___

  “Hello?” she answers, distracted. I don’t think she knows it’s me.

  “Hungry?”

  “How’d you get this number? Is it not enough you barge into my classroom every morning? Now you’re stalking me?”

  My Eleanor’s still got a feisty streak. “I’ve got a note in my hand that says if I ever have any questions not to hesitate to call you, followed by your phone number. I had a question, so I called. You hungry?”

  “You do know that meant questions about school,” she sighs, but the bitterness is gone from her tone.