Tangled Up in Daydreams

by Rebecca Bloom

  “What am I supposed to do, Mom? Part of me feels like I have abandoned him and the other part feels like fuck all of this, I am done. He has broken far too many promises. He knew after the car incident, he didn’t have any wiggle room left.”

  “Car incident?” Looking at her daughter with wide eyes. “What car incident?”

  “The last straw before this last straw and I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Molly, what happened?”

  “Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.” Raising her voice a pitch.

  “Okay, fine.” Swallowing through her clenched throat.

  “I just, I don’t know. I don’t want you and Dad to think all these horrible things about him. I know that sounds so stupid seeing how Alex told you stuff and I’m telling you stuff already too, but part of me thinks that if you heard every single thing that I have had to deal with you would look at me differently, you’d be ashamed of me.” Wiping her nose with her sleeve.

  “Molly.” Holding her tightly, wrapping her in a hug. “No matter what, Dad and I will never be ashamed of you. We love you.”

  “I know. I just … I love him so much, Mom.”

  “I know you do, and love makes us do crazy, sometimes unhealthy things. You just have to decide for yourself at what point the unhealthy outweighs the normal crazy. Does he give more than he takes?”

  “Most of the time. He’s the most supportive person of me who isn’t related by blood. He sees all of me and accepts me as I am. No man has ever just done that, just said, ‘Hey Molly, be crazy and flighty, be emotional and tough, freak out on me for no reason and tell me how you feel, just be you, and I will love it all and I won’t run away.’”

  “You do know that there will be someone else who will do all those things if this doesn’t work out.”

  “Not the way he does it.”

  “Molly, you can’t just be in love with his potential, you have to be in love with the man that he is.”

  “I guess.” Glancing at her mom.

  “No matter what I say, tell you to stay, tell you to let go, or whatever, you have to make all these choices yourself. No woman ever has her ears open when people talk to her about the man she loves.”

  “Even you?”

  “Yup. For a long time I internalized everything and let myself think it was fine, despite what my friends were saying to me.”

  “Your friends?”

  “Yes, we talk about our love lives just as much as you do. Just because we are older doesn’t mean we don’t dish.” Grinning at her daughter.

  “Once a girl, always a girl.”

  “Exactly. Look, I love your father very much and although we had a rocky time for a while and I didn’t know how things would work out, I had to work it out for myself, just like you do. I was lucky that he decided to reconnect and place all of us on the top of his list of priorities. To switch jobs so late in life and start a new path, I admire him for taking this chance. I know it’s hard for him now to look back and see how distant he was for so many years. But Dad’s issues and motivations were different. Dad wasn’t an addict, he was a husband and father already committed to the people around him. He had no choice but to change because he was already living the life.”

  “So you’re saying that what Liam and I have is not a commitment?” Staring at her mother. “That I am not enough to motivate him to change?”

  “No, don’t take it the wrong way. What I am saying is that Liam has a bigger problem that he needs help with. It isn’t something he can just deal with, just flick a switch and be fine. He may need to lose more to be able to fix it.”

  “Mom, you are handling this very calmly.” Eyeing her. “We are not talking about clean little problems.”

  “I’m not clueless.” Nudging her daughter. “I know what’s up. I watch MTV.”

  Molly burst out laughing. She had this flash of Helen late at night, watching videos and mouthing the words to Slim Shady.

  “What’s so funny?” Starting to laugh herself. “I really like that band Incubus.” Starting to hum one of their songs. “Cute singer.”

  “You’re going to be one hip granny.” Giving her mom a big hug. “And, he is hot. I met him a few months ago at some record party with Liam.”

  “No?!”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m officially jealous of my daughter.” Giving her another squeeze. “Hungry?”

  “I think so, thanks for listening, and sharing.”

  “It’s my duty. One that I take great pride in.” Getting up from the bed. “I have complete faith in your ability to know your limits and protect yourself. You’ll figure all this out. We didn’t raise a wilting flower.”

  Molly got up and straightened out her clothes. She was still in her pajamas.

  “Wilting no, but slightly wrinkled, yes. I’ll meet you downstairs.” Gesturing to her clothing. “I think a new pair of pajamas is a must.”

  “What do you feel like? Soup? Pasta?”

  “Spaghetti will be good.”

  “Meet you in the kitchen.” Giving Molly one more kiss on the cheek.

  Helen took the stairs methodically. She paused halfway down and caught her breath. While she was reacting as calmly as she could to all the things her daughter was saying and all that she knew Molly was still hiding, inside she was raging. Helen knew she had done the right thing, handled the ­whole situation in a manner that would not alienate her daughter, yet she hated herself for being so easy and calm. What if all the things Molly was still hiding ­were worse, worse than doing too many drugs or having too many drinks? What if Liam hit her or put her in danger? What would Helen do if something happened to her baby that a bandage and a cookie couldn’t fix? Helen looked back toward Molly’s bedroom and mentally crossed her fingers, said three hundred Jewish Hail Marys, and tossed her hand out to ward off the evil eye.

  Once downstairs, Helen busied herself in the kitchen. There was a note from Henry on the table that he had gone to the movies with Alex. Molly strolled in. She had washed her face and braided her hair Pocahontas style.

  “I always love it when you wear your hair like that. It reminds me of when you were little.”

  “Whatcha makin’?” Plopping at the table.

  “Alla checca.”

  “Perfecta.”

  Molly and Helen sat around the big steaming bowls of pasta and spent the rest of the evening talking about Alex and Renee and the upcoming birth of the newest member of the Stern family.

  The next morning, Molly felt a lot better. Her stomach felt a bit more settled and she felt a little lighter having shared some with her mother. It was freeing to actually talk about things. Thank God her mother listened without really judging. That made Molly feel safer, stronger. She picked up the phone and dialed her brother’s.

  “Hey, Alex, it’s me.”

  “What happened to you last night? I thought we were going to do a little family powwow?”

  “Some stomach thing. How was the movie?”

  “Predictable. Lots of kung fu and a bad dialogue.”

  “Glad to have missed it. Let’s do dinner tonight instead.”

  “Sounds good. Renee and I have an appointment this afternoon with the doctor, and we are getting more pictures. I can’t wait to see how much he’s grown.”

  “He?!”

  “Whoops! I didn’t say anything.”

  “He!!! I thought you didn’t want to know!”

  “Renee didn’t. I did, so I made the doctor spill it. Renee doesn’t know I know, so you better keep your big mouth shut.”

  “He!!! A little nephew. I am so excited!” Screaming into the phone.

  “It’s pretty fucking cool.”

  “Yes it is, Daddy. I’m really happy for you.”

  “Thanks. So, anyway, we will have more pictures tonight.”

  “Cool. Will you tell Renee I will be there in ten to get her for class.”

  “She’s all ready.”

  “See you later. A boy, a beautif
ul baby boy!”

  Now he was a real person with a sex and all. A little boy. There was nothing better. Well, except for a little girl.

  Molly cruised by, gathered up her sister-in-law, and headed for the yoga studio. After a slew of down dogs, up dogs, and for Molly, a few dead dogs, the two girls headed back to Renee’s. Molly followed her inside and did a few more stretches on the floor. Renee handed her a bottle of water and eased herself into a chair.

  “I remember when my body looked like yours.” Examining her belly. “Will I ever be thin again?”

  “Of course. I bet you will look even better after. Look at all those celebrity moms. They look hotter after, and you are going to have those great tits for a while as well.”

  “For the first time ever I’m going to have a bustline.”

  “Alex must be loving that.”

  “I know. Lucky for me, though, he’s a butt man. It’s the only way we’ve lasted this long.”

  “Liam’s a butt man too.” Leaning and bending forward. “He always says that guys who are into boobs have a Mommy complex and really aren’t into women. Butt men, on the other hand, really appreciate the finer points.”

  “Well, my ass is way more than a point.” Putting her feet up on the table.

  “What time is your appointment?” Leaning down again.

  “Three-thirty.”

  All of a sudden another wave of nausea hit Molly, and she sprinted up and bolted for the bathroom. When she came out, Renee looked concerned.

  “What’s going on? You okay?”

  “Something is off with my stomach. It’s really strange. Out of the blue I have to puke.”

  “Maybe you should go to the doctor?”

  “I’ll be fine.” Standing up. “Okay, on that pleasant note, I’m off. I’ll see you later.”

  When she got home there was a message from Abby. Molly knew she couldn’t ignore her old friends forever, so she grabbed the piece of paper and the phone. On the fifth ring the machine picked up.

  Hi, this is Abby and Scott. We are not home. Leave your name and number and we will get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks.

  Hey guys, it’s Molly. Sorry it has taken so long to connect. I would love to catch up and see you. Thursday night, maybe at Jake’s? Hope you are both well. ’Bye.

  Done deal. Easy enough. Molly looked outside and the sunflowers were still blooming. Molly grabbed a scissors and went into the backyard. She carefully clipped a handful and added a few wild roses to the bunch. They were bright yellow ringed with a fiery red on the tip of each petal. They looked like sunset on an island in the South Pacific. Molly took the flowers into the kitchen, trimmed them, and placed them into a vase. She set them in the middle of the table, just where the light caught the edges and cast a warm glow on to the room. Molly bounded upstairs and grabbed her box of materials and tools. Hunched over and intent, Molly worked the rest of the day stringing, winding, and tying beads and baubles. Time fell away, and the golden shade of the room enveloped Molly.

  eight

  When another small package arrived from Jay, Molly had to smile. She knew what was inside. Her friend had the knack for perpetual optimism and driving insistence. Jay was turbo-charged, an Energizer bunny minus the cheesy commercials and drum kit attached to her paws. The fact that the two of them were slowly forging a real partnership did not surprise Molly. Jay could always see three or four steps down the road, while Molly was about the moment at hand. It made sense that Molly grew up drawing and designing Shrinky Dinks and Jay was a local chess champion. Their brains did not function on the same level. Perfect complements. Within the manila envelope was a stack of pictures, a sheet detailing the terms of the lease, a rough budget of what they would need to get the store up and running, and sketches of ideas for the space. Molly had to admit, it was a dynamite space, affordable and in a location that had both restaurants and other shops around it. As Molly was stuffing everything back in, Henry walked into the living room.

  “Helen!” Henry, calling upstairs. “I’m leaving. I’ll see you later.”

  “ ’Bye!” Calling down. “Have a good day.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Henry was dressed in his chef’s coat and clogs. It was still so weird not seeing her dad freshly shaven and in a suit. He looked so different now, longer hair, a beard. He actually looked happy, his mind calm and not wrapped up in what he had to do three months from now. Molly actually felt she would choose to be friends with this new version of her father. She wished he had been around before. Did he know how much he had changed? How his kids looked at him? How Helen did?

  Since she had been home, Molly had caught glimpses of her mother watching her father. There was this schoolgirl quality that washed over her mother’s cheeks. Helen’s eyes would twinkle, beam like a cheerleader watching her quarterback sweetie throw the winning pass. Even how freely they would exchange “I love you” was exciting. It was as if Helen was rediscovering herself and her husband, and what she was finding was better than it had been before. And Molly knew that her father’s asking her mom to come and work at the restaurant made her mother feel needed again.

  What Molly didn’t know was that when she initially left the nest, now more than a decade ago, things were colder, Helen’s life, chillier. Molly knew times had been tough, but she never knew the details. These were the things Helen would allude to with her daughter but never fully share even in their most intimate conversations like the one they had had last night. Helen walked a fine line with her daughter because she didn’t want to scare her or make her see her father as an ordinary man with ordinary issues. She still wanted Molly to have some of her fantasies about her dad, even though Helen knew Molly was an astute observer and saw what was left unsaid.

  It was when the house was empty, when Henry was at work all the time and there was no one around to nurture or to laugh with or to yell at to make their bed, that Helen lost her center. She spent hours alone, weeping uncontrollably. She would wander around the house looking for something to do and hours later would find herself half dazed and pruned in the tub or shivering outside on the porch in nothing but a thin T-shirt. She went to a doctor, who prescribed some pills. Helen would hide the bottles in her tampon boxes to keep them from Henry. She didn’t want him to know just how fragile she was. She was embarrassed by her dependency on him, on her kids. When had the peace-loving activist girl inside her transmuted into a woman who could barely get dressed in the morning?

  She lived with this secret until Henry, one afternoon a few months into her “treatment,” really looked at his wife across the table, really looked at her. Helen was too even, too calm. Helen was a ghost of herself. She saw him watching, looking, wondering, and she began to cry. Everything flowed from her then, and she talked and wept and yelled until she felt empty and clean. Henry reached over, took her hand, and swallowed all she had released. He saw her stripped and raw and embraced her, then he began to change. It wasn’t until that moment that he really understood how disconnected they all had become—or really how he had become from his family. He unwittingly had become his father, just giving enough of himself to allow him to stay in control of his emotions. It was in this moment that he decided to be different, act different, love harder. Helen noticed the subtleties after a while and stopped taking the pills. She stopped crying, wandering, or forgetting where she was. She started sculpting again, as she had done in college, and working at the library in town part-time. She did her hair and bought new lingerie, and felt butterflies everytime she looked at her husband. Even now, when years have passed, she still gets the giggles about him and thinks it’s a blessing. Helen knows this is what Molly sees, and this is what Molly wants to emulate in her relationship with Liam. The ability to change and evolve. Molly sees how people can grow and become better versions of themselves, truer to themselves. This is a lesson to hold on to, but maybe Liam can’t change what he has become like Henry could. Maybe that’s why it nee
ds to end and Molly needs to move on with her life.

  “What do you have there?” Henry, coming over and giving Molly a kiss on the cheek.

  “Jay sent me some information about this space she found.” Pulling the pictures out and showing her dad. “What do you think?”

  Henry glanced at the photos and sat down on the couch next to Molly.

  “I think this place looks great. You guys could make it into a very interesting little shop. The rent seems reasonable.”

  “The people who own the building really want these tenants out so they are trying to give good incentive.”

  “You guys wouldn’t need that much start-up money. Is Jay going to invest?”

  “Yeah, fifty-fifty, her parents are into it.”

  “Is this what you want to do?” Looking at his daughter.

  “I don’t know. I seem to be having trouble making decisions lately.”

  “I noticed.” Scanning the pictures again. “Your mom says that your jewelry is selling really well and getting on all the right necks. That should tell you something. The snaps and clippings you send her are absolutely beautiful.”

  “You’ve seen those?” Sort of surprised.

  “Sure, Mom prints them out for me.”

  “Still can’t turn on the computer?”

  “Nope.”

  “I think you were one of the only lawyers to not touch the thing.”

  “I bet you’re right, but I just can’t get the swing of it.” Looking over the pics again. “This seems like a good move.”

  “It does, but this is not what is making me confused.”

  “I know that, but maybe a shop and a new project would make all the other stuff fall into place. Your life can’t be about just one thing.”

  “It’s a pretty big thing, Dad.”

  “Look, Molly, when you were younger, your mom and I never had any trouble figuring out what you needed. You were so self-sufficient and independent.”

  “Only on the outside.” Molly whispering.

  “What?” Henry’s eyes widened a bit.

  “Well, I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to be perfect.” Admitting more than she wanted or realized. “I didn’t want you to have to bother with me too much.”