Cement Heart

by Beth Ehemann

  “No, but you thought something. Spill it.”

  I looked back down at my coffee cup and ran my finger around the edge. “I was just thinking that maybe you should see if the bridal shop can give you some sort of VIP discount for being such a great return customer.” I tried unsuccessfully to stifle my laugh.

  “You’re such a bitch.” She reached over and smacked my leg.

  We sat for a minute, laughing and enjoying the moment together without saying a word.

  “Think about it,” she added. “By the time you’re ready to get married again, I’ll be such a pro at wedding planning that you can actually pay me to do yours.”

  I shook my head sternly. “No way.”

  “Come on, I promise I’d do a good job.”

  “I wasn’t saying no way about paying you, I was saying no way about getting married again.”

  Her lips parted and she frowned at me as I picked my coffee cup off the table and carried it over to the sink. “Why not?”

  I turned to face her and shrugged, leaning back against the counter with my arms crossed. “I don’t know. It seems silly. Will I date eventually? Maybe, but I just don’t see the point in marrying again.”

  “Michelle, you’re young, you’re hot, and you still have a lot of life left.” Jodi stood up from the table and walked over, leaning against the counter next to me. “There’s no reason for you to spend it alone.”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly, staring down at the floor. “Some days I’m great and I feel like, okay, I can do this. I can be a single mom and still give these kids the best life ever. And then the next day, I miss Mike so bad I feel like I can’t breathe. There have been days where I’ve barely gotten out of bed.”

  Jodi wrapped her arm around my waist and laid her head on my shoulder, but didn’t interrupt.

  “And don’t even get me started on nighttime,” I continued. “It used to be my favorite. Mike and I would put the kids to bed and start off watching TV, but by the end of the night we were either having some deep conversation, wrestling, or making love on the floor in the family room. Sometimes all three in the same night.” I sniffed and she squeezed me tighter. “I hate nighttime now. Once the kids go to bed, that’s when the sadness peaks. I sit down here all alone reliving what we used to have. I hate it.”

  Jodi lifted her head and looked over at me. “Why don’t you come get me? I would love to unwind with you at the end of the day, as long as there’s wine.”

  “Thanks.” I smiled. “But you have enough going on over there with Mr. Teenage Sex Maniac.”

  She rolled her eyes and hip bumped me. “He’s not a teenager. Not for a couple years now.”

  We both laughed at the ridiculousness of what she’d just said.

  “And now here I am, thirty years old and hungover so bad that my dead husband’s best friend offered to take my son to storytime.” I sighed heavily.

  “Yeah, what’s up with that? Fill me in.” Jodi pulled her arm back and turned around to lean again the island, facing me this time.

  “There’s not really anything to tell. He was Mike’s best friend, has been for a while, and I guess when Mike died—” I paused and swallowed hard. “—he promised him he’d look after us.”

  She pulled her brows in tight and narrowed her bright green eyes at me. “Why would he do that?”

  “He, uh… was the one that caused the accident… kinda.”

  Jodi’s hand flew up to her mouth as her eyes grew huge. “You’re kidding me!”

  I shook my head. “Nope. So he feels this… obligation… to make things right. And I appreciate it, but I don’t need it. Today was the first time I texted back and took him up on one of his offers.”

  She dropped her hand from her mouth and frowned at me. “Offers?”

  “Not really an offer, I guess, but he’s been texting me every single morning to say hi and see if we need anything.”

  “Wait a minute.” She cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes again. “That guy, that hot, beefy, tatted-up guy texts you every day to say ‘good morning’ and see if you need anything?”

  My eyes shifted around the room as I nodded.

  A tight smile spread across her lips. “That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  I don’t think it would have been physically possible to roll my eyes any more dramatically than I did at that moment. “You’re such a romantic. Not everything is a romantic gesture, Jodi. Some things are just that—things. Gestures.”

  Thankfully, before our conversation could go any further, the front door opened and Matthew came sprinting in.

  “Hi, Miss Jodi! Mom, I had the best time!”

  “Did you? I’m so glad.” I pulled him against my leg for a hug.

  “You should’ve seen it. We all had to sit criss cross applesauce on the friendship rug and Viper could hardly do it!” He threw his head back and laughed wildly. It felt so good to see joy on his face from something other than Ninja Turtles for once.

  “Hey, in my defense,” Viper bellowed playfully as he rounded the corner carrying Matthew’s booster seat, “that rug is really small. The worst part was I was the only one in the room who didn’t know what criss cross applesauce was. Matthew had to tell me.”

  Matthew walked over and stood next to Viper. “Can you take me again next time, Viper?”

  “If that’s okay with your mom, sure.”

  They both looked over at me with big puppy-dog eyes. “Fine by me.” I shrugged.

  Matthew threw his arms up and cheered as Viper held his fist out for Matthew to bump it. “It’s a date, my man.”

  “COME IN, COME in!” Dr. Roberts said excitedly, waving me into her office Monday morning. “I’ve been dying to hear how your week went.”

  I walked through the door, sat in my usual spot on the leather couch, and waited for her to take her seat across from me.

  “So?” she said impatiently when I didn’t start talking right away.

  “You’re the devil.” I glared at her.

  “Oh, come on!” She sighed and threw her hands in the air dramatically. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”

  “It was fine for the first few days, then it got tough.”

  “What was the hardest part?”

  The thirteen-year-old boy that lived deep inside of me started laughing at her word choice, and before I knew it, that laugh had traveled up my throat and out of my mouth.

  Dr. Roberts frowned for a brief second, then shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Fine. What was the most difficult part?”

  “Saturday night, for sure.”

  “Tell me more,” she ordered as she stood up and walked over to the fridge to retrieve the two water bottles that typically kept us company during our meetings.

  “Well, you made me go to the bar, remember?”

  “I remember.”

  “That’s like my place. That’s where I go to meet people.”

  “People?”

  “Women,” I corrected myself.

  “And… did you meet any women on Saturday?”

  “Nope. You told me I couldn’t.”

  “That’s not true,” she defended, shaking her head at me. “I said you couldn’t have sex with any women, not that you couldn’t talk to any women. I think talking to them actually would have been good for you, given you a bit more of a test.”

  “Portland was working. That fact alone was a test.”

  She leaned forward and grabbed her water bottle. “Who’s Portland?”

  “She’s a waitress at that bar we always go to. I’ve been trying to get into her pants forever.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why her?”

  “Why anyone? She’s hot.”

  “Here’s what I’m wondering, though…” She paused and chewed on her bottom lip as she twirled a piece of her dark hair in her fingers. “From the things you’ve told me, I’ve gathered that you don’t have a problem getting women to t
alk to you, or even go home with you at the end of the night. Is that a fair statement?”

  I nodded once. “Sure.”

  “So, why doesn’t it work with this woman? And if it doesn’t work, why don’t you give up and move on to someone else? Why keep chasing her?”

  “Why… ask so many questions at once?” I joked.

  Dr. Roberts clenched her jaw and inhaled loudly through her nose, clearly annoyed with me.

  “I don’t know, probably because I hate losing. I’m not used to being turned down, so when she doesn’t fall for my lines, it pisses me off.”

  “Do you hit on her every single time you’re there?”

  “Pretty much, and when she finally comes to her senses and calls me, it’ll be the most glorious day of my life.”

  “Okay, enough about Portland, for now. How was the rest of your weekend? Any other tests that I should know about?”

  “Nope.” I shook my head, thinking back. “Other than that it was pretty uneventful. Wait! Something did happen; not a test but still exciting in other areas.”

  “Fill me in.”

  “I went to Michelle’s.”

  “Really? Was it a last-minute thing like last time or was this a planned visit?”

  “Both, actually. She was out with all of us on Saturday night and then I sent her my daily check-in text on Sunday. Instead of just saying she was fine like she normally does, we chatted a little. She told me she had a headache, so I offered to take Matthew to storytime at the library.”

  “And?” She leaned forward in her chair, anxious to hear more.

  “And… I took him to the library.”

  “How did that go?”

  Thinking back to the weekend and my morning with Matthew, I struggled to contain my smile. “It was pretty cool. We sat on this big rug that looked like the Earth and sang songs, and the librarian read a couple of books. It was Space Day. Next week is On The Farm.”

  She jerked her head back in surprise. “You’re going again?”

  “Yep,” I said confidently. “We got back to the house and he asked if I’d take him again next week. Michelle said yes so I’m all over it.”

  She stared at me with her mouth hanging open, not saying a word.

  “Stop looking at me like that.” I laughed. “I told you, it was fun.”

  “Okay, okay. Enough about storytime or we aren’t going to get anything accomplished today.” She cleared her throat. “I’d like to try it one more time. Two weeks this time. Can you do that?”

  “What? Why?” I snapped.

  “Relax.” She held her hands up calmly. “It’s just something I want to try.”

  I bolted up from the couch in frustration and started pacing her office. “I don’t get this. I don’t get what this is supposed to teach me. Why do you care if I fuck or who I fuck?”

  “This is something that might help you, Viper. It’s not for my benefit.”

  “Fine,” I groaned as I sat back down on the couch, shaking my head. “I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises. I won’t go looking for it, but should a situation present itself, I’m taking it.”

  AFTER A MOSTLY shitty meeting with Dr. Roberts, I needed a break. I needed to go where I could be myself and I wouldn’t be judged for it.

  I headed straight to Gam’s.

  She opened her front door, beaming when she saw me. “To what do I owe this surprise?”

  “I missed my favorite old lady.” I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight, lifting her off the floor just a little.

  “Well, this old lady missed you too.” I could tell she was smiling as she talked. “Come on in. I was just baking.”

  I set her down and pulled back, eyeing her skeptically. “You? Baking?”

  “Okay, I was thinking about baking, but I was just about to pour myself a drink. Want one?”

  “There she is!” I joked, following her to the kitchen. I noticed she was limping more than normal. I motioned toward her leg. “You okay?”

  She waved me off. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. What can I get you?”

  “Do you have any root beer?” I grinned.

  “Of course I do!” She winked at me. “I keep it stocked for surprises like this. She took a bottle of IBC root beer out of the fridge and set it on the table in front of me before turning back to the counter to mix her own drink. She was just about to sit down at the table across from me when she stopped and put her hand on her hip. “Actually, it’s nice out. Wanna sit on the back deck instead?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Gam’s backyard was just as amazing as the front. Flowers of every color sat in planters in the corners of her deck and a dozen more birdhouses hung from the trees. Two turquoise Adirondack chairs I’d bought her a couple years back sat right in the middle of the deck overlooking the lake her house was on. It wasn’t a big lake, certainly not as big as the one Kacie and Brody lived on, but it was big enough to have a boat out on, and she loved to sit and watch them and, of course, protect her birdhouses from those bastard squirrels.

  “It is nice out today.” I walked over and set my root beer on the small table that sat in between the chairs.

  “You say that like it’s the first time you’ve been outside all day. Don’t tell me that you’ve just rolled out of bed.”

  “No, I was up early, actually,” I said in my best know-it-all tone.

  “Oh?” She sat down in one of the chairs and set her whiskey and water down next to my bottle. “What were you up so early for?”

  Other than Coach Collins, his assistant Mia, the big wigs in the office, Brody, and Dr. Roberts herself, no one knew I was going there to see her on a semi-regular basis. I hadn’t yet told Gam about my meetings in general, and no way in hell was I ever going to tell her about the “restrictions” I’d been put on, but it was time to let her in… at least a little.

  “I had an appointment with my therapist.” I looked at her and waited for her reaction.

  She looked over at me quickly with her dark brown eyes narrowed at me, her hand raised up to shield them from the sun so she could see me better. “A therapist? Seriously?”

  I took a deep breath. For obvious reasons, Gam’s opinions and judgments of me ran much deeper than anyone else’s.

  “Yes, seriously. The dickwads in the front office thought I was spiraling out of control with what happened with Mike, so they sent me to her. Oddly enough, we’re talking about all sorts of things now. She’s trying to make me better as a whole.”

  Her eyebrows lifted. “She?”

  “Yeah. Dr. Roberts. You’d like her. She doesn’t put up with any of my shit.”

  “Good, she shouldn’t.” She nodded. “You think that smile of yours can get you out of just about anything, and you’re mostly right. At some point you needed to grow up and deal with life head-on, not hide in the weeds and wait for it to drive by before you showed your face again. You’re good at that, Lawrence.”

  I’d just been schooled by my eighty-nine-year-old grandmother.

  “I know. And I’m trying. You have to give me some credit.”

  “Okay, you win… for now.” She smiled, staring out at the water. “How is this going to affect your season? Don’t you start soon?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “We report back in two weeks, actually. I’m just going to have to work around my schedule. It is what it is. If it’s important enough, you make time for it, right?”

  Her head turned toward me again, eyeing me warily. “You’re freaking me out talking like that. Knock it off.”

  She turned her head back toward the lake and closed her eyes as a small, tight smile appeared on her lips. I didn’t say anything.

  We just sat in the warm sun, enjoying the quiet together. In that moment, as in many other moments throughout my life, I wished she were my mother instead of my grandmother. She would have protected me.

  THE WEEK WENT by faster than I remembered any other week going by in my whole life. My workouts and practices were
priority number one, but I found that not concentrating on where my next woman would come from gave me a lot of extra time on my hands. I did a complete overhaul of my house, going through every cabinet and closet and getting rid of carfuls of shit I didn’t need and didn’t use anymore. How does one single guy accumulate so much junk anyway?

  Before I knew it, it was Sunday. Library day. I’d still been texting Michelle every single morning asking how things were going, and most days it was the same answer, though once in awhile we’d chat for a minute too.

  That morning, instead of my typical text, I sent a different one.

  See you at 9?

  She answered almost immediately.

  M: Yep. Matthew hardly slept last night. He’s so excited.

  Good. Tell him I am too. Any chance I could take him for lunch after?

  M: Absolutely. It might change his excitement into convulsions but I’m sure he’d really like that. Thank you, Viper. This means more to me than you know.

  That last text made my day. Knowing that Matthew was so excited was one thing, but knowing that Michelle appreciated it brought everything full circle for me.

  I told you, Mike. I told you I’d help, buddy. I’m trying.

  Nine o’clock rolled around and I was standing on Michelle’s porch pushing the doorbell. Like a herd of buffaloes charging through the house, Matthew came flying toward the front door from the kitchen with Michelle following right along behind him, shaking her head.

  She laughed as she opened the door. “Seriously. This kid is nuts.”

  “What’s up, buddy?” I cheered as excitedly as I could. Matthew’s skinny little body jumped up toward me, completely trusting that I’d reach out and catch him. Of course I did.

  “I can’t wait. Today is On The Farm day. Remember?” he babbled excitedly, his eyes gleaming.

  “How could I forget?” I answered, looking over at Michelle and winking.

  She wrapped her arms around herself and smiled at me with closed lips.

  “Did you tell him?” I asked her.