Few women would, but what she wanted was irrelevant. Tuck had taught her that. “Why would it matter?” she asked.
“What?”
“It wouldn’t be number one on my list of life experiences, but what would it matter?”
“I don’t understand what you’re—”
“I’m not saving myself for anyone,” she said. “I’m hardly a virgin, and to be humiliated you have to care or matter to someone, somewhere, or at the very least mean something.”
“Kade, I—”
She couldn’t have this conversation, not when the outcome meant nothing. Being touched by strange men, being hurt by them, maybe even killed, it wouldn’t be a choice she would make. But if it had happened, no one would’ve noticed.
Dempsey didn’t know where she was, and Tuck had his own life to live. If she got herself killed then maybe there was a reason, maybe she deserved to be treated that way. With Tuck, she’d had a happy life for so long and given her history, her lack of family or affluence, she had been spoiled by the love in their relationship.
Maybe karma was just coming around to bring her all of the negative experiences she should’ve had in her twenties but was saved from by the cocoon of Tuck’s protection. Which was a shield she no longer had the privilege of existing behind.
What she needed was a clean break. For a while after they’d broken up, she’d wanted to be back in the safe place he provided for her and would’ve done anything to have him back. But she had come to see that she couldn’t take shelter there, not when it wouldn’t last. That security wasn’t assured, he’d shattered it once before when he dumped her. If she went back to that life, she’d have to live at his mercy, never knowing when he might cast her out again.
Kadie needed to remember where she came from, the rough nature of her early childhood. That meant learning again to have her wits about her, to be hard, and detached, and to never forget that she was on her own.
“You were leaving,” she said, because if he was going to go then he had to go now. Once the effects of the drugs had worn off, she could return to the new life she was a part of and could think of this as a lucid dream. All she could hope was that it would fade with time, as dreams so often did. “I think you should do it now.”
Hardening herself meant she had to ignore his offense. “Leave? You’re not well—”
“That’s not your responsibility,” she said, shuttering all emotions behind her eyes, she’d gotten good at it. Tuck had given her a good example to follow.
“You don’t expect me—”
“I don’t expect anything from you,” she said. “I would like you to leave.”
Blustering, he was solid and unmoving. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Ok,” she said, and managed to draw in a long breath. Even not being at the top of her game, she wouldn’t be forced to stay here with the man who had broken her heart and was now passing judgement on her. “Thank you for your time.”
Pushing her fists into the bed, she slid past him to the end. The drugs made her head pound, but she’d recovered from their exploits on the bed. Now was no time for feeble indulgences of weakness, she had to get out of here. Confronting their relationship when there was no hope of rekindling the life they had was a waste of time.
“Where are you going?” he asked, snatching her wrist when she found her feet.
Her life couldn’t be more different from the one she’d had with him, but it was her life, and he had no right to keep her from it. “I told you I have work to do,” she said. “My clients aren’t nearly as squeamish as you are.”
She saw the moment that clarity hit him, his eyes widened and he leaned a fraction closer. “No,” he murmured. “I don’t believe you.”
Childish notions of fairy-tale fantasy had no place in the kind of lives they led. “What does belief have to do with anything,” she said, tugging on his grip. “Please let me go. Bruising will cost you extra.”
It was funny how she’d never considered that he might understand what heartbreak was until this moment when she saw the pain her revelation caused him. But that was what she wanted, shock value, she wanted to disgust him, to send him back to the adventure of his life while she focused on salvaging what was left of hers, though that couldn’t happen until she could get to Howie.
“Kade,” he whispered. The gentleness of his tone made her shiver, somehow it was easier to remember the lover or the man than it was to remember her soulmate. The depth of emotion behind their love wasn’t something she thought about, she couldn’t or it would consume her.
“Why? Where? How?” he beseeched in that same intonation.
More questions. “I’ll answer yours when you answer mine.” His eyes shuttered. “That’s what I thought.”
Addressing the flaws in her character, in her life, that came easy to him and she believed he’d do everything in his power to “save” her, if he found out the truth. But she didn’t want him on conditional terms, didn’t want to be an inconvenience he had to swoop in and rescue on a sporadic basis, like she was a child getting herself into trouble just to get attention from a responsible adult.
“I won’t let you go,” he said, his hand becoming a vice on her wrist.
With a wry laugh, she relaxed her resistance. “You can’t do that.”
“You want to watch me?” he said. “I’ll hogtie you if I have to.”
“Rope, chain, or leather?” she asked, not at all intimidated by his assertion.
“What?”
If he wanted the truth, she’d slap him in the face with it. “Rope leaves a hell of a burn and it can splinter. The wounds have to be treated or they become infected. It can ruin the mood.”
The flash of horror on his face made it seem like he was talking to a stranger. “What are you talking about, Kade? Jeez, Toots, don’t tell me—”
“I wasn’t telling you a thing. You brought up the bondage, I’m just telling you the rules… I don’t have any tools here,” she said, running her free fingers through her hair. “But I imagine you could afford the premium, so we could have them delivered.”
“How could you…?” His eyes travelled down her body, scared by what they saw. “You’re…”
“I’m what?” she asked. “I’m nothing, now let me go.”
“I won’t,” he said, yanking her down to sit on the bed. “I can’t. You can’t.”
The righteousness was probably obligation because if he really cared about her then he would never have left her in the first place. Accepting who he was had been part and parcel of being with him, now he was looking at her and didn’t like what he saw, and he thought it was his right to change her.
Kadie wasn’t so easily browbeaten. Tuck was bigger and stronger, no doubt about that, but his interest wouldn’t hold long enough to break her.
“Oh, please,” she said. “You don’t have a conscience. Anything can be justified with the right argument. You taught me that. So don’t you dare stand there and pretend this is against your moral code. What’s good enough for you is good enough for me.”
“I don’t sell myself,” he said, wrenching her against him.
“Don’t you? You sell your skills,” she said and enjoyed leering at him. “And you taught me plenty of ways to keep a man happy.”
His jaw clenched and he shook her. “How did you get here? I can’t believe that Dempsey—”
“Leave my cousin out of this,” she said, sick of Tuck using Dempsey like some kind of surrogate babysitter. It might have made him feel better to leave her under the care of her cousin, but Kadie didn’t appreciate being a burden to either of them. Her life was hers to lead and she was tired of being under the purview of men who believed her inferior. “You gave up your rights to care, or to reprimand me for my choices.”
But he wouldn’t relent, she shouldn’t be surprised, Tuck was as stubborn as she was. “This isn’t a choice. I know you. You wouldn’t—”
“What wouldn’t I, Tuck?” she asked, because
it wasn’t his place to assume what was in her mind. “I wouldn’t… what? You’d be amazed at the dividends.”
Confusion marred his squint. “Dividends?”
“Everything’s a means to an end,” she said, almost proud that she still had the ability to rile him and that he now understood how frustrating it was to be confronted by secrets and silence.
“What could you possibly gain—”
“I’m not answering your questions,” she asserted. “You’ll never have to see me again. I promise. We can just forget about this whole sorry affair. Now let me go.”
“I won’t.”
The tightness of his fingers around her arm grew and he lifted her limb higher to get even nearer. But it didn’t matter, he had no choice, they couldn’t sit like this forever. “You have to,” she said.
“I don’t have to do a damn thing.”
Invincible he was not. People would have seen them together. He had his own crew who would come looking for him and she had her own explanations to give. “We left the bar together, did anyone see us?”
Making him see their predicament may get them out of it faster. “I don’t give a shit—”
“Do I look like the type who stands on a street corner?” she murmured. “He’ll come looking for me.”
“He,” Tuck said, springing to his feet. “Someone’s forcing you into this? There’s a guy—”
“He didn’t force me to do anything,” she said, observing how he went into combat mode now that he believed he had something, or rather someone, to fight against. “He looks after me.”
Whipping around, his head tilted. “No,” Tuck said, slowly shaking his head. “How can you…” Closing the space between them, he covered her cheek with his palm. “You’re smarter than this, Kade. Can you hear yourself?”
“I know what he wants from me,” she said. “I know how to make him happy. It’s easy with him.”
“Easy?”
She nodded. “Sex and money are his trade, they’re his language. There’s no misunderstanding. I know where I stand. I can’t fail him… not like I failed you.”
He froze again, still his eyes were locked to hers. “You didn’t fail me,” he said. “I failed you. I left to set you free. I left because… I didn’t want this. You’re more than this.”
“Apparently not,” she said. “If he finds me here and he’s feeling charitable, he’ll let you go. I couldn’t bear to see what would happen if… When he’s angry… you don’t want to see him angry.”
Nykiel Sikorski could turn on a dime and no one was safe around him. Even his closest, most trusted associates, could face his wrath if he was having a bad day. Most of the time he ignored the women he had under his purview, but if this was one of the times he chose to care, she’d be in trouble, they both would. Not because Sikorski cared for her, but because the insult would indicate disrespect and there was nothing he hated more.
“Does he hurt you?”
Hearing his concern was familiar, it was right that they should give a shit about each other after being part of each other’s lives for so long. But she wasn’t going to let herself be distracted by niceties, the danger in her life was still very real and she couldn’t afford to let her guard down for a second. “No,” she answered. “Never damage the merchandise, that’s what he tells his men.”
“The merchandise,” Tuck repeated, followed by a stream of curses. “I told you not to get into trouble, didn’t I?”
“I’m not in trouble,” she said. “I’m still alive, aren’t I?”
“Alive,” Tuck said. “You think that’s the measure for trouble?”
She shrugged. “I don’t see what it matters. I’m ok, there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re careful, and he makes sure we’re ok, we’re always ok.”
Crouching in front of her, he touched her legs. “How did this happen? Tell me how—”
“No,” she said, trying to ignore how right it felt to have him touching and consoling her. “I’m going to leave now. Forget you ever saw me.”
“I can’t forget it,” he said, holding his palm up for her to see. “Do you see that? Do you know how I did that?”
The gouge on his hand was scabbing over, but there was no mistaking the wound. “How?” she asked, touching it with her index finger.
“I smashed a glass in my fist—”
“Why would you—”
“Thinking of you with another man,” he said. “The idea popped into my head, and I… I can’t forget.”
She sighed. “This doesn’t change anything. You’re you, I’m me, and we’re not a part of each other’s worlds anymore.”
“I want to know how, I want to know why.”
“So did I,” she said. “Nine months ago when you showed up just to cut out. I didn’t have the answers then, and I can’t give you them now.”
“This is about me?” he asked, unsettled by the idea that the demise of their relationship might have landed her here. “Are you punishing me? Do you think this will—”
“I’m not doing this because of you,” she said. “I admit my life took an… unexpected turn when you left me. But, I didn’t plan this. It just… happened.”
“These things don’t just happen,” he said. “You don’t wake up one day, and decide to…”
“No,” she said. “I didn’t go looking for him or for this. But I have my reasons for doing it.”
Explaining how she’d ended up here and why she persisted in living the way she did, wouldn’t adjust his opinion. She didn’t need his judgement and the longer she sat here shooting the breeze, the more likely it was that someone would notice she was missing. The last thing she wanted was for Howie to hear she’d disappeared. Although his first thought would be concern for her, he’d also be scared because he’d feel alone.
“Why?” he said. “Did you need money? No, that can’t be it. I signed everything over to you, the business, the property, the cars, the investments, everything is yours.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t sign any of it.”
“You—”
“None of it was mine. I didn’t sign the papers. I didn’t give them to our lawyer, I… they’re still in that envelope in the basement… unless Dempsey has already broken in.”
This was serendipitous, she had the chance to tell him he was still responsible for all his assets and managed to divert his line of thought at the same time.
“You didn’t… You fucking stupid, idiotic, insane—”
“Don’t swear at me,” she said. “None of it was mine, and to accept it would have been… let’s just say experience in my current line of work would have started a lot earlier.”
“You think that was payment for your services? Five years together, and you thought I’d leave you with nothing?”
She didn’t want stuff, she never had. Property, possessions, it meant nothing to her. Material things were a substitute that had never satisfied her. “You did leave me with nothing,” she said. “If you thought for one second that any amount of money or goods would fix my broken heart then you’re not the man I loved, and you don’t know me at all.”
“I knew I wasn’t coming back,” he said. “I couldn’t give myself the excuse to come back. Leaving it for you was the coward’s way of protecting myself. I wanted you to be happy, and that meant getting me out of your life.”
Pragmatic to the end, to him cutting all ties meant severing every association. “I don’t want to talk about this,” she said, trying to twist her wrist free. “I have to leave. If I’m not back in—”
“What?” he demanded. “What happens if you’re not back?”
Too many terrible things to contemplate. Until now, she’d avoided thinking about how many balls she had to juggle to keep her and Howie safe without raising suspicion. Taking a break, relaxing here, she was beginning to lose her grip and she needed to keep up the balancing act, she had no time to take a breath.
“He’ll find me,” she said. “And I’m not worth los
ing your life over.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said.
It would be such a pathetic waste if Sikorski tracked her to here and his men hurt Tuck just because she’d been waylaid by him. They wouldn’t know who Tuck was to her or what he did beyond this room. A brilliant mind would be disconnected in a snap and she’d have to go back with Sikorski anyway.
“You have work to do too,” she said. “You always have work to do, and your lady won’t—”
“You’re my lady,” he snapped. “Did you really think there would be anyone but you? God, woman you are so dense.”
“Lovely,” she said. “So stupid that I have to get back to my pimp before I’m served up to his men for dessert.”
His fingers curled tighter. “They touch you? Against your will?”
“What is will?” she said. The conditioning at the house, the way she and the other girls were treated was having an effect on her psyche. Sometimes she could see herself from outside her body, saying the things that she was expected to say, while her internal self was screaming the opposite. “My life means nothing, it is nothing. I’m nothing.”
For a moment, he studied her. He didn’t say a word. He scrutinized her with an intensity that made her shiver. Even while naked, she hadn’t been this exposed. Resignation made him loosen. “Are you happy?” he asked her.
“No,” she said without hesitation. “Are you?”
“No. But I never expected to be.”
“Look at that,” she said with a smile. “Even after all this time, we still have something in common. I would like to go to work now.”
Charging the air with expectation, he ran a hand up her arm to the side of her neck. “Give it up,” he said. “What will it take for you to never go back?”
“A miracle,” she answered. “This is my life now.”
A life that she didn’t plan to keep. “Go home,” he said. “Please, I’ll give you the money, just—”
“No,” she said, because she couldn’t imagine anything worse than leaving Howie in danger and tucking herself into safety, alone and without purpose. “There’s nothing there for me.”
Swift (Kindred Book 4) Page 9
