Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  I rolled my eyes. “Your librarian jokes are not that funny.”

  She laughed at me as she put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a side hug. “Yes, they are,” she said while laughing. “And you love me.”

  “I know. I do.”

  The rest of the dinner was fairly uneventful. Jenny and Barbara told us they were going on a cruise. Ryan reminded us of his next appearance at Hamburger Mary’s (the local drag show bar). And Dana, from her seat next to Ryan, kept looking at me with her big brown eyes and her stupid pretty face. I was not in the mood to keep talking about anything to do with me. Especially Beth. And the last thing I wanted to do was fall into bed with someone who, as time passed, was having a harder time separating her feelings from reality.

  When Tabitha and I peeled ourselves away from the group, completely inebriated and also slightly high from the vape marijuana pen Ryan made us hit, we fell into a Lyft and headed toward my condo. Tabitha and I joked and laughed and knew we were probably scaring the Lyft driver with our drunk and high shenanigans. He laughed with us, though, and thankfully seemed not at all annoyed. I gave him my address, and he made a pitstop to drop me off. I threw a twenty-dollar bill at him for his trouble, and he thanked me four times before I said my good-byes to Tabitha and slammed the door.

  The ding of the elevator was loud as I waited to get to my floor. I closed my eyes and thought how happy I was that I’d fought Dana off successfully. She was two seconds from inviting herself to come home with me, but I pumped the brakes like a taxi driver in rush hour and told her I couldn’t. It was ridiculous. Completely and totally. Was I stupid for not taking her home and fucking her brains out? Probably. But I knew what it meant, and I could not turn my brain off.

  The elevator doors opened, and I stepped out onto the floor of my condo.

  “Jackie?”

  I lifted my head, my heart jumped into my throat, and my mouth fell open. “Beth? Susan? What are you guys doing here?” I saw Beth holding a leash attached to their cocker spaniel. “And why do you have Myrtle with you?”

  * * *

  BETH

  Her face. Ugh. She was not expecting us. I’d made the wrong decision. Fuck. “Hi,” I said. “I take it you didn’t get my nineteen text messages.”

  “What is going on? What happened?” Jackie smelled like beer and…what the hell? Was that weed? Was Jackie high?

  “Jackie, we’re sorry. I don’t know why I let Beth talk me into this.” Mom was embarrassed. I could tell by the way she was rubbing her hands together. She still had her sunglasses on, so I nudged her, and she put her left hand up to silence me.

  “No, we’re not sorry. Jackie, we need your help. You’re literally our last resort.” I took Mom’s hand and held it. “I promise we would have never done this if this wasn’t an emergency.” Jackie’s face was an equal mixture of shocked and confused. “Can we please come in and explain?”

  Jackie shook her head almost as if she was snapping out of a daze. A weed-induced daze. “Yes. Come in.” She fumbled with her keys, dropped them on the ground, bent down to pick them up, and looked dizzy as she stood. She put her hand on the door frame and steadied herself.

  “Let me help you.” I took the keys from her shaking hand, and she held her breath. “How’d you get home? I hope you didn’t drive.”

  “I took a Lyft. Also, I’m an adult,” she mumbled as I opened her door, let her in, then my mom.

  “You wouldn’t have to tell me you’re an adult if you act like one,” I offered. My sarcasm was spot on. It was one of my greatest strengths. I saw Jackie roll her eyes, look at my mom, then Myrtle, and then back at my mom.

  “Is she always like this?” Mom’s shrug and nod were small gestures, but Jackie’s spine stiffened.

  “Okay, so.” I took a breath and sat next to Mom on the couch. Myrtle quickly jumped up next to me, and I tried to push her down. I was sure Jackie didn’t want an animal on her couch since she said she wasn’t a dog person. Myrtle wouldn’t budge, though. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “Jackie,” Mom started. “I left Steven.” She slid her sunglasses from her face, and the gasp that Jackie let out made her being drunk and stoned insignificant.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, and the tone of her voice was the same one she used on me when she promised she wouldn’t make fun of my drawing. “Have you iced that? It looks awful.”

  Mom was staring down as Jackie kneeled in front of her. Mom’s eyes filled with tears, and she said, “Yes,” so quietly that I barely heard her. “I didn’t want to come here.”

  “I can’t imagine why not. Your daughter’s biological lesbian mom? I’m a perfect and obvious option.” Jackie smiled, and the smile that echoed on my mom’s lips was breathtaking. It was the first time she’d smiled since we left Savannah.

  “We won’t stay long.”

  “You’ll stay as long as you need to,” Jackie offered. “I have two spare rooms. Both have beds.” She stood with determination. Apparently, the past five minutes sobered her up. “I’ll get you some ice.”

  I handed Myrtle’s leash to Mom and followed Jackie into the kitchen. “Jackie?” She didn’t answer, but when she turned around, she pulled me into a giant hug. The familiarity took my breath away. I didn’t expect that from her, and I was not at all prepared. “We won’t be any trouble. It’s my spring break next week. I took a couple extra days off. I emailed my teachers from Mom’s email account,” I explained as Jackie continued to hug me.

  “Don’t worry,” she whispered. “You guys will be okay here.”

  It was the first time since all of it happened that I really wanted to cry. Not that I had to or was made to, but that I actually wanted to. I held back my tears, though.

  She pulled away and looked at me, her hands on my shoulders, and she squeezed. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded because yeah, I was going to start crying for sure if I answered her.

  “Did he hurt you?”

  I shook my head.

  “Is she okay? Is that all he did?” Jackie’s jaw clenched.

  “I don’t know,” I said softly. “I don’t know if she’s okay.”

  Jackie pulled me back into a hug, and she smoothed a hand over my head. “It’s going to be all right. I promise.”

  “You can’t promise that.”

  “Yes, I can.” When she let me go, her face was hard, and when she said she did promise, her tone was firm. I was so shocked by everything that was happening that I couldn’t really say much else at the moment. I watched her, though, as she took out an icepack from the freezer and wrapped a kitchen towel around it. She poured two glasses of white wine and then looked back at me. “Do you need a drink?”

  “Like, an alcoholic one?”

  She tilted her head and smiled at me. “I know twenty minutes ago I was pretty lit, but unfortunately, my buzz has waved buh-bye. I’m talking about a glass of water or a pop.”

  “A pop? What the hell is a pop?”

  “A pop. A Coke, a Sprite, whatever.”

  “Oh, you mean a soda.” Jackie rolled her eyes while holding the two glasses of wine by the stems in one hand and the icepack in the other. For the first time since we arrived, I actually laughed. “What? Who the hell calls it pop?”

  “Oh my God, I am not having this debate with you.” She left the kitchen and made her way back to my mom, who was sitting on the couch, her eyes closed and her head leaned back. When Mom picked her head up and saw the wine, her eyes lit up.

  “You read my mind,” she said, her voice so soft and hard to hear. She took the glass of wine in one hand and the icepack in the other. She took a long drink before she applied the icepack to her face, but when she did, she breathed in through clenched teeth. “Aren’t bruises supposed to get better as the days pass?”

  Jackie sat on a comfy-looking chair across from the couch. She was gripping her wine with two hands, the same white knuckles as apparent as when she drove me to Savannah. Was her kindness fro
m the kitchen fading away? Was she having second thoughts about opening her home to us? I couldn’t tell, but her facial expression was causing my teenage anxiety to skyrocket.

  “So,” Jackie started and then took a drink. When she lowered her glass, she looked directly at me. “Do you want to tell me, or is your mom going to?”

  I looked at Mom. She looked relaxed. Way more relaxed than she had been in months. “He flipped out,” I said, deciding to answer and take the pressure off Mom. “He flipped out because I hired a private investigator. He snapped.”

  “Sadly, that’s not the only reason he snapped.” Mom slipped her shoes off and propped her bare feet on the ottoman. She smoothed her hand over Myrtle’s head. She had promptly dozed off the second she snuggled next to Mom. “It was a lot of little things that added up over the past couple of years.”

  “Seriously?” I asked. “The past couple of years?” I was floored.

  Mom moved the icepack, looked at me, then closed her eyes. “Yes, honey, the past couple of years.”

  “Wow.”

  “Has he always been dangerous?” Jackie’s voice was so smooth and soothing. I was jealous of what seemed to be an uncanny ability to remain calm, at least in this stressful situation. I was so quick to beat the fuck out of my dad, a man I loved and cared for, and here Jackie was, a pillar of strength. Well, at least a pillar of weed-induced serenity. Either way, I was so glad she wasn’t freaking out. Because I was. And my mom was. And that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

  Mom was looking right at Jackie. She didn’t answer, and I knew it meant the answer was yes, which caused my stomach to bottom out. I was going to vomit. I stood and ran to the bathroom where I had first dried off, where I looked into the mirror and psyched myself up, where I told myself I could do this; I could be strong and meet my biological mom. This time was much different as I dove at the toilet and narrowly got the lid up in time to retch into the bowl.

  I collapsed against the wall when I was finished. I was crying and coughing, and what the fuck? My dad was dangerous? What rock was I living under that I didn’t know this? Why was this such a surprise? Did I really never notice before? I thought back to the times when he would get angry at me or Mom. His face would get so red and his ears…God, his ears would always look as if he was going to blow smoke right out of them. But I never remembered him hitting me or Mom. I certainly never heard him getting physical with her behind closed doors, either.

  That thought nauseated me again. I took some deep breaths; in through the nose, out through the mouth. Like Mom used to tell me when I’d hyperventilate because of the stupid bullies in middle school.

  “Beth?” A gentle knock followed, and the door opened slightly. Jackie poked her head in. “Are you okay?”

  I leaned my head against the bathroom wall and sighed.

  “Get ready for bed. I’ll take your stuff to the bedroom.” She left and closed the door behind her, but she turned the handle so it didn’t make that awful loud clicking sound as it latched. For some reason, that made me like her even more.

  After I washed my face, rinsed my mouth, and pulled my hair into a French braid, I emerged from the bathroom. The living room was dark except for the moonlight spilling in the open sliding glass door to the balcony. I walked past Mom on the couch, a blanket over her, sound asleep. Myrtle was of course curled into a ball right behind Mom’s legs. Jackie was standing on the balcony, and when I stepped out, she glanced over her shoulder at me. I walked up next to her and leaned against the railing with her. The gulf breeze felt really good and smelled like salt. I could see the waves as they crashed onto the beach, one after the other. The sound was so calming, especially after the past couple of days.

  “I take it you didn’t know about your dad?”

  I took a deep breath, shook my head, and mumbled a simple, “Nope.”

  “Your mom is stronger than you realize,” Jackie said as she leaned into my shoulder.

  “How would you even know that?”

  “I can tell.”

  I didn’t respond, but I wanted to tell her she was crazy. Mom was clearly not strong if she let a man continue to bully and beat her up for years and only now gained the courage to leave. What kind of person does that?

  “You should probably cut her some slack.”

  I looked over at Jackie, at her hair blowing in the wind, at the remnants of makeup around her eyes that I could still make out in the moonlight. “I’m trying.”

  “Are you?” Jackie took a breath and closed her eyes. “Try to remember one thing in this lifetime, Beth. It takes a strong woman to leave. It takes an even stronger woman to stay.”

  It sounded like such bullshit. “I don’t know about that.”

  “One day, you’ll get it.”

  “Oh, yeah, when I’m older, I’m sure.”

  Jackie let out a small chuckle. “You’ll get it sooner rather than later. I guarantee it.” She turned to go inside. “I’m going to bed. You ready?”

  I looked back out at the gulf and sighed. “Yeah, I’m ready.” I only hoped that sleep would take me quickly, but I was pretty sure I was going to fight it all night long.

  Chapter Six

  SUSAN

  I woke up sometime around eight in the morning with a pounding headache. When I tried to sit up, I quickly remembered I had fallen asleep on the couch. My body was throbbing from being in the same position all night long. I needed water and ibuprofen, and I needed it STAT. I fumbled around the dark condo and finally found my way to the kitchen. After opening six of the nine cabinets, I discovered the ibuprofen next to the juice glasses. I grabbed a glass along with four pills and filled the glass from the refrigerator dispenser. The coolness of the water tasted amazing. I navigated back through the dark toward the bedrooms Jackie mentioned the night before. I opened the first door on the right and saw that it was Beth’s, so I crept to the bed and slid under the blankets next to her. Myrtle must have found her way into the room at some point because she was snoring at the foot. Beth turned and opened her eyes. “Hi, Mom,” she whispered.

  “Go back to sleep.” I put my hand on her arm and lay there until I dozed back off.

  * * *

  When I woke up the second time, it was to the smell of bacon. Beth and Myrtle were no longer with me, so I sat up and looked around the room. It was still pitch black because of the world’s best room-darkening curtains. I climbed out of bed and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the dresser. “Jesus,” I whispered as I peered at my reflection. I looked like absolute shit. And the bruise was not doing anything but getting darker and angrier.

  I opened the bedroom door and slipped into the bathroom. Thankfully, Beth had unpacked our toiletries, so my toothbrush was ready for me. I washed my face, too, which felt incredible. I was ashamed to admit that I hadn’t taken a shower in a good forty-eight hours, but the idea of showering, washing everything away, was too much to handle.

  After I freshened up, I found Beth and Jackie in the kitchen. Beth was flipping pancakes on an electric griddle, and Jackie was checking on bacon in the oven. Myrtle was, of course, begging for scraps. I cleared my throat, and both turned toward me, their similar smiles glowing. Each had her hair pulled back in a braid, too, which made my heart clench.

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Jackie said, her voice still holding the happiness from her smile.

  “Yeah, Mom, did you sleep?”

  “I did,” I answered when I sat on one of the barstools along the island. I was greeted with a cup of coffee from Jackie in a mug that had a unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail that read, My other ride is a unicorn. I couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you.”

  “How do you take it?”

  “Black.”

  “Well, that’s easy,” she said as she spun around and leaned against the counter across from where I was perched. “I heard you rummaging around for medicine. Did you find what you were looking for?” She eyed me over the top of her coffee mug. I couldn’t tell i
f her mug said anything, but the handle was shaped like a fox’s tail.

  “Yes.” I looked down. I couldn’t explain it, but the level of embarrassment I was fighting was absolutely horrifying. I could barely look at Jackie without wanting to crawl under a rock. The idea that this woman, this complete stranger, the fucking biological mom to my daughter, knew all about me and my failed marriage and now about my abusive husband, was causing me to stress out like crazy. No one knew about him. Not even Veronica knew all the details. She’d seen bruises on my arms and had asked, but I always had an excuse for why they were there. I’d blamed myself, of course, because it was my fault. I knew how I needed to behave at all times. So, stepping out of line meant…well, it meant I’d get taught a lesson.

  I took a deep breath as I pushed that memory from my brain.

  My stomach was rolling. My palms were sweating. I was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.

  I was going to vomit if I kept thinking about it.

  About him.

  About his stupid hands and his inability to be a gentle human being.

  God, I was so stupid! So very stupid to put up with Steven for as long as I did. I would never go back to that. For as long as I lived. The thought of him finding me, finding us, continued to creep into my brain. My insides would tremble, my heart would race, and my hands would turn instantly clammy. He had no real idea about Jackie, though. He would never be able to find her; he never knew her name. He didn’t want to know. So, when Beth suggested it, I said fine and only protested it a small amount. Because at least we would be safe. Beth would be safe. Even if it meant that Jackie would know without a shadow of a doubt that I kept her child in a volatile environment because I was scared.

  I hated myself.

  Letting Jackie into my fucked-up existence was freaking me out. My insides were filled with anxiety and fear. And now I have to face her! At least until it was safe to go back to Savannah, even though there wasn’t really anything to return to. I had to keep reminding myself that Beth did, though. She had school and friends. Pulling her away for a week was fine, but forever? That would be a different story entirely.