by Erin Zak
We ate breakfast on the balcony. Well, they ate. I picked and moved around the pancakes and hoped neither of them said a word about it. I was not in the mood for food. At all. The only thing I was enjoying was the weather. It felt wonderful to be outside with the gulf breeze and the warm Florida air. The last time I was in Florida, I was twenty-two, and it was for a spring break trip in college with all my girlfriends. We barely made it home alive. Sadly, I didn’t remember much from the trip because I was intoxicated for all of it, but I do remember the way Florida smelled. The air had a sweetness to it that Savannah didn’t. In fact, Savannah kind of stunk. So, being able to breathe deep and pull the sweet-smelling oxygen into my lungs was helping my mood. Not much, but a little.
“I think I’m going to go explore,” Beth said, interrupting my thoughts. She finished the last piece of bacon on her plate before she said, “Do you want to go with, Mom?”
“Why don’t you and Jackie go?” I did not feel like getting ready and leaving the small bit of safety I had acquired in the past twelve hours.
Jackie seemed to understand me without question. “Yeah, kid, I can show you some sights.”
Beth’s face twisted, and she looked at Jackie. “Would you be okay if I went solo?”
A laugh bubbled from Jackie’s throat. As was with everything about her, the laugh was unexpected and really quite lovely, especially considering the morning I was having. “You hitchhiked to me the first time. I’m sure you can handle the streets of St. Pete by yourself. We’re not too far from the touristy part of the beach, so I’m sure you’ll be fine. You can take my bike if you want. There’s a lock on it, and the key is hanging by the door.” Jackie looked at me. “I mean, if you’re okay with that. I need to write…working against a deadline.”
I was sad that I wouldn’t get to be alone with my sorrow, but I understood since we were literally imposing on Jackie’s life, so I smiled. “Of course. You be careful.”
Beth tilted her head. “I’ll be fine, Mom.” She slid away from the table, took a step toward me, and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. “I love you,” she said when she hugged me.
I was fighting back tears when I said I loved her, too. I watched her walk into the condo in her short khaki shorts and long legs with the same pair of Vans she wore every day. Her hair was still in a braid, and she looked so much more at ease than she had in months.
Jackie stood and reached for Beth’s plate, then mine. “Are you finished?”
The sound of her voice pulled me from my thoughts, and I glanced up to her face. She was hovering over me, and the color of her eyes in the natural light made my breath catch. I blinked once, then twice, before I finally nodded. She smiled, which saddened me because I wanted to smile back, but I couldn’t. I was so sad, so mad, so depressed. I wanted to get to know her, to laugh with her, but I couldn’t fathom it right then. All I wanted to do was to be left alone. It was so unlike me, too. And that frustrated me to no end. Deciding to leave was not supposed to break me. It was supposed to repair me.
My gaze followed Jackie as she made her way to the kitchen. She was wearing yoga pants and a white tank top. She moved so freely in her home, so much differently than she moved in Savannah, when she was clearly censoring herself. She seemed so nervous and scared, which, of course, that was how she felt. But here? She was free, and it showed in her movements. Even her facial expressions weren’t reserved. She was at peace.
She looked across the living room at me from the sink and caught me staring. I looked away and cursed at myself. Way to be a giant creep. I glanced back at the water and waves as they crashed onto the beach. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and hardly any humidity. Maybe I should have gone with Beth.
“Hey, Susan?”
Jackie’s voice once again broke me from my thoughts. She was leaning against the door jamb, and her braid had fallen over her shoulder.
“Hmm?”
“I was thinking…” She bit her bottom lip before she finished with, “What about tracking your cell phones?” She reached up and pulled on the end of her braid, fidgeting with the rubber band.
“Thankfully, he’s not super smart when it comes to technology. But we both changed our passwords on our iCloud accounts, so no way he could get in there and track us.” I shrugged. “And we both blocked his number. I also told Beth no social media.”
“And no one knows you’re here?”
“My sister knows.” I saw the worry on Jackie’s face. “Let me worry about him, okay?” Jackie took a deep breath and nodded. A silence fell between us, and I looked down at my hands before I pulled a deep breath into my lungs and looked out at the gulf.
“Susan?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a pretty nice tub in my bathroom if you want to take a bath. I have some awesome lavender Epsom salt, too, if you’d like.” After I looked at her, my eyebrows raised, she quickly added, “Not that you smell or need to bathe; I thought it would be nice, if you wanted to relax.”
Her voice, the way it rose at the end of her sentence, was so considerate. If I was forced to explain how it affected me, I wouldn’t be able to conjure a sentence that would do my feelings justice. All I could say was that I noticed. My body noticed, which caused my heart rate to elevate. I pressed my lips together, then licked them before I finally answered. “Actually, that sounds like a really nice idea.”
The smile she flashed me was gorgeous. “I’ll go lay everything out.” She held my gaze a second longer before she bowed her head, turned around, and headed toward her bathroom. Again, I stared as she walked away, the gentle sway of her hips, the way those yoga pants hugged her curves; it was kind of…hypnotic. I shook my head and chuckled at myself. I was clearly sleep deprived.
I heard Jackie call my name from her side of the condo, so I stood and followed the sound. Her bedroom was gigantic. And her bed was a king, which she obviously made after getting up. I turned a corner into her bathroom. It was twice the size of the guest bathroom. I couldn’t help but look around, stunned. She had two sinks, but only one of them had any products around it. The other was unused. When my eyes finally landed on Jackie, she was kneeling next to a large clawfoot tub with the water running. She was scooping one, two, three scoops of Epsom salt from a large glass jar into the tub. She stirred her hand around the water and then stood.
“It’s all yours.” She motioned toward the towels and said, “Those are for you. One’s a hair towel if you get your hair wet. The other is a bath sheet, so you can wrap it around you.” She grabbed a robe from the back of the door. “And this is mine, but it’s clean. I just washed it, so if you want to put it on afterward, feel free.” She bounced on the balls of her feet before she started to walk away. The move was so very Beth that it warmed my soul.
“Jackie?”
She stopped and looked at me in the mirror. “Yes?”
“Thanks,” I whispered, my voice catching from the emotion I was doing a horrible job of hiding.
Jackie turned to look directly at me. “Anytime,” she answered, and the sincerity in her voice was so genuine. My eyes followed her as she left and closed the door. I looked at the tub and then at myself in the mirror. Seeing the bruise again in the well-lit bathroom made me cringe. I leaned forward to inspect it. I could not believe this is where my life led me. In college, I used to volunteer at the crisis center for women. I was the girl who told other girls they didn’t deserve men who hit them. I surrounded myself with other strong women and attended women’s liberation rallies, and wore the word “feminist” with pride.
Now look at me. Barren, bruised, battered, and scared for my life. Because of a man I fell in love with.
Life had a funny way of saying, “Hey, this is not what you wanted for yourself, is it?”
As I slipped my clothes off and climbed into the tub, I couldn’t help but feel strange that I was taking a bath in Beth’s birth mom’s bathroom. But when I immersed myself in the lavender scented water, I felt some of the stress flo
at away, and I welcomed the relaxation that started to take over.
* * *
JACKIE
The cursor on the page blinked at me. I only needed six thousand words. That wasn’t a lot of words. I could bang that out so fast, like Tabitha said the night before. But these six thousand words had to be great. It was a turning point in the novel, and if it fell flat, the entire book would fall flat, and I could not do that. Especially after my last book was such a hit. I couldn’t follow it up with a stinking pile of poo.
I stretched out my legs on the couch and tried to get comfortable. I was out of my element. Normally, I would write in the bedroom Susan was staying in. But I felt so rude marching in there and taking over my space. I pushed my laptop to the side and leaned my head against the cushions. As I closed my eyes, I felt a nudge and then a weight come jumping onto my lap. My eyes flew open, and Myrtle was standing there looking at me. Her floppy ears perked, and her nubby tail was wagging. “What?” I said, and the dog whined. I tentatively reached forward and ran my hand over her head. She nuzzled my hand with her snout and started to turn in circles before she lay down on my lap and promptly started snoring. “How the hell am I supposed to write with you on my lap?” She didn’t move. At all. She was dead weight. “Jesus.”
I never wanted an animal. Never. Not even when I was a kid. But this dog…
“She’s warming up to you, I see.”
I looked up at Susan standing in my white, terry-cloth robe, the sash pulled tight, with a towel wrapped around her head. I had never seen anything so heartbreaking in my entire life. She was so gorgeous yet broken, and it made my stomach bottom out. “Yeah,” I said. “I think she wanted some attention.”
“She is definitely a brat when it comes to that.”
I could not stop looking at her. And I was trying to pull my eyes from her and focus on something else, the dog, my computer, the bare wall, anything but her. But I was transfixed by how serene she looked, even with that bruise across the soft skin of her cheek. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to smell lavender again without thinking about her, naked, in my tub. I knew my constant stare was more than likely creeping her out; she kept changing her stance. “How was the bath?” I finally managed to ask. I felt like an asshole. Not only was she super fragile right now, but she was so not interested in me. And there I was, staring like a horny teenager. I was disgusting.
She gathered the robe with her left hand and sat on the arm of the chair. “It was exactly what the doctor ordered.”
Myrtle picked her head up, realized her mom was back in the room, and jumped down to go sit by her. I stood and walked over to Susan; her eyes were glued to me as I approached. “May I?”
I motioned to her bruise, and she whispered, “Yes.”
I bent down, studied the purple area, and reached out with an unsteady hand to touch the edge along her cheek. I had to stop myself from sliding my hand to the back of her neck and making her forget all about the heartache she was going through. Wrong time, wrong place, Jackie. But dammit, she was breathtaking. How had I lived my entire life and never experienced this kind of beauty? “I have this comfrey salve that I bought at an herbal remedy store in downtown St. Pete. It might help if you want to try it. I put it on my volleyball bruises.”
Susan’s face was only inches from mine, so when she smiled at me, the sight made my breath catch. “You play volleyball?”
I composed myself by clearing my throat. “Yeah. Beach volleyball.”
“When do you play?”
“Sundays. In Gulfport, this little town about fifteen minutes from here.”
It was Susan’s turn to stare, apparently, because I could feel her gaze raking over me as I stood. “We’ll have to come watch you play,” she said, and even though she wasn’t smiling, I swear I could hear it in her voice.
“Yeah. That’d be cool.” Cool? Could I really not think of a better word than cool? I started to walk away from her when all of a sudden, I felt her hand latch on to mine. She pulled gently until I turned and looked back at her. I could barely feel my hand, though, and only knew she was still holding on because it was all I could look at.
“You have no idea how much this means to me, Jackie.”
When I finally raised my gaze, her eyes were so, so dark. I found myself getting lost in them but knew I had to stay grounded. Especially right now. “It’s really not a problem.”
“You keep,” she started and, Jesus, she is still holding my hand, “saying that, but…” She paused again, and my knees were weak as I looked into her eyes. “But I don’t think I could do this alone.”
I felt myself reaching toward her face again. I traced her jawline lightly, and dammit, during any other moment, it would have been so fucking smooth of me. But right then and there, I knew I charged over every boundary that could ever exist. I didn’t care, though. I couldn’t stop myself. And she didn’t flinch or move away. (Maybe she even leaned into my touch.) “You’re so much stronger than you realize,” I said as my fingers lingered half a second longer under her chin.
“You barely know me,” Susan whispered, but she gripped my hand a little tighter.
“You’re right.” I barely know her. How many days had it been since I first laid eyes on her? Three? Five? A week? I couldn’t remember the exact amount of time, but I felt as if I had known her for years. “I know for sure that you raised the only person in my life that I ever regretted leaving. And you did it with so much love and kindness that it shows in every single movement Beth makes, in every word she speaks, and in every single line that she draws. And that?” I took a breath, studied how her full lips came together so perfectly. “That is enough for me to know you.”
The look on her face was unmistakable as she loosened her grip and let go. I had said way too much, way too soon. And fear and confusion were written all over her face. If I had a dollar for every time I’d said too much to a woman that wasn’t ready for it, I’d be a wealthy woman.
I smiled, shrugged, then turned and walked into my bedroom where I shut the door behind me and collapsed against it. Fuck fuck fuck. Why did I always put my big fat foot into my mouth when it came to women I actually liked? Especially this one! She was straight! And going through a messy split with an abusive husband. Why would I cross that line? Why would I even consider ever crossing that line? If I could’ve punched myself in the nose, I would have.
There were so many things I needed to learn. Not about being a lesbian because that part was pretty self-explanatory for me. More about being a human being. I often stepped on toes, said things I shouldn’t have, and generally didn’t care what people thought or expected from me. This entire situation was testing me. And I was failing. Horribly.
* * *
After I calmed down, which took what felt like forever, I decided to show my face again. I cracked open the door and smelled something coming from the kitchen. I crept through the hallway and poked my head around the corner. Beth was standing next to Susan at the stove. There were a couple cans of tomato sauce on the counter next to a bag of tortellini and a box of spaghetti. I smiled at Myrtle when she picked her head up from the tile floor and looked at me. Her cute face was really starting to grow on me, as well as her shaggy ears. She stood as soon as she saw me smile and pranced over, her entire body wagging with her butt.
“Well, someone sure warmed up to the dog,” Beth said as I reached down and mussed the fur on Myrtle’s head.
I glanced up at Beth. “Only because she’s cute.”
“I feel like you say that about a lot of girls,” Beth joked. Susan’s mouth was hanging open as she gaped at Beth, who did a double take at her mom. “What?”
“It’s fine,” I said, and Susan kept her eyes averted. I wasn’t going to lie and say it didn’t sting when she wouldn’t make eye contact because God, it really hurt. But I understood. I needed to watch myself. I had been an out lesbian for a long time, and I knew who I could cross lines with and who I couldn’t and shouldn’t. Susan obvio
usly was not okay with it, so it was time to put that wall up and not let my façade break again.
“You’re sure?” Susan asked.
“Yes. I can take a joke. As long as I can joke about how bad her feet smell from being in those Vans without socks.”
Beth let out a gasp. “Are you serious? My feet do not stink!”
“Um,” I started as I held my nose. “You might want to reevaluate that.” I heard Susan’s low chuckle. It was odd how the sound of her being happy made the event from earlier all but disappear. “So, whose idea was this?”
“I know it’s weird, but I found this awesome food kiosk. The older lady running it said she made all the pasta from scratch. I sampled a couple different things and bought a bag of the tortellini. I thought I’d make dinner, and Mom wanted to help.” Beth looked at me. Her face held so much hope and happiness.
“Well, I’m super excited for dinner then,” I said. I hoped Susan would turn and look at me, but she still hadn’t dared to look my way. What was I going to do? How were we going to stay in the same living space for however long without even glancing at each other? I was getting angrier and angrier with myself for letting the stupid, hopeless-romantic asshole part of me get in the way. I really needed to remember that life was not a romance novel, and rarely did it ever play out like one.
I studied the two of them as they moved in the kitchen. They clearly cooked together many times because Susan never asked for the spices as Beth handed them to her. It was really wonderful to watch. It was also really strange at the same time. I never thought I’d be in this spot, watching this unfold in front of me, but there I was.
Beth was growing on me, too. I was starting to love all of my observations of her, how she acted with Susan, how she held herself, how she seemed so sure of herself. Throughout the years, there was not a single bone in my body that didn’t question my decision to give her up. But knowing she was in good hands the entire time made me feel almost okay about it. I could finally take a breath I had been holding for sixteen years.
