by Erin Zak
Not to mention the fact that her relationship with Susan was adorable to watch.
Adorable?
Shit. I was already in way over my head. I needed to get my act together and quick. There was no way that I could pine after my biological daughter’s mom. That could not happen. At all. What the hell was wrong with me, and why did I always put myself in these stupid, unwinnable situations? This was not an opportunity to tell a story, to write a best-selling book, to get more fans. My skin crawled at the thought of it. Even if something were to happen, I did not want to hurt Susan any more than she already was.
At this rate, I was going to be the one getting hurt.
“Jackie?”
My head jerked toward the sound of my name. “Huh?”
“Geez, where were you?” Beth asked with a smile that could only mean she thought she had an idea, but there was no way she was even in the vicinity.
“How was sightseeing?” I was trying to deter her. Hopefully, it worked.
“It was great. I think we should go to dinner down there one night.” Beth shrugged. “It’d be nice for us all to get out of the house.”
I saw Susan’s spine straighten and her shoulders tense. Beth didn’t notice because she was draining the spaghetti into a colander in the sink. “Yeah, I think that’d be good for you and your mom to do that. I can hang back. Watch the dog.”
Beth glanced at me. “I meant you, too.”
“That’s super nice of you, Beth. Seriously. But I think it’d be cool for you and your mom to go.”
Beth was glaring at me now. “Are you avoiding us?”
“No!” I lied. “Not at all!”
“Beth,” Susan finally interjected. “It’d be nice to spend some time together. You and me.”
And there was the confirmation I needed. I’d really freaked her out. Fuck.
“But Mom, I want Jackie to go—”
“I’ll be fine. I live here. I can go whenever.” I watched as Beth’s shoulders slumped, then Susan’s eyes flitted from the spaghetti sauce to Beth and then to my eyes for one second, two seconds, before she was looking back at the sauce.
“Fine. Then you and I will go one night without Mom.”
“That’s fine with me,” I said softly. I was so mad at myself for being so dumb that now everything we did would be done separately. Oh, well. It was going to be fine. I needed to spend time with Beth solo anyway. Regardless of Susan’s newfound contempt for me, I still wanted to be part of Beth’s life. I was going to make the most of it, no matter what.
Chapter Seven
SUSAN
Steven and I used to say maybe six words to each other every day, and they were always in front of Beth. I was adamant that she never knew that we were unhappy. And according to her reaction to finding everything out, my plan had worked. I wasn’t necessarily proud of myself for hiding my unhappiness. Especially since every word I said to Beth always stemmed from encouraging her to find happiness, her true north. To not ever let other people bring her down a notch, to stand firm, laugh, and above all else, love herself.
I was such a fucking hypocrite.
I raised a pretty amazing daughter. Ninety percent of the time, she had her head on straight. She was a great student, loved art and drawing, and had a knack for memorizing movie quotes. She loved binge watching televisions shows on Netflix and listening to her music way too loud on school nights while Steven and I were trying to sleep. Beth was a typical high school student.
Except that she wasn’t. At all. She was adopted at two days old and was everything I ever wanted. She was an answered prayer, a blessing, an angel sent from Heaven. Every cliché I could think of, Beth was it. And the moment she was handed over to me and I cradled her in my arms, I was in love with her. Her so soft skin, her baby-gray eyes, the little birthmark on her thigh. Literally everything about her I loved. I even loved the month-long bout with colic, the discovery of her inability to drink regular milk, and her allergic reaction to eating a strawberry for the first time.
All of those reasons and signs and answered prayers were the only reason I agreed to let Beth drive us to St. Pete on her learner’s permit. She had me gripping the door handle more than once, and she asked me to please be quiet at least six times, but we survived. She did say when we got out of the car outside of Jackie’s complex that she would never drive with me again, but I knew she was being dramatic.
We accomplished running away from Steven together, and I wanted us to not ever be in that kind of situation again. It was horrifying that the two people in her life who were supposed to protect her didn’t speak or get along. So, being in the same predicament with Jackie was infuriating. I was furious with myself, with Jackie, and with the entire situation.
Why did Jackie have to be so goddamn nice to me? I didn’t want or need that right now. In fact, I wanted someone to tell me I was overreacting, that Steven was fine, that I deserved everything that happened to me because I did not want to live a life of solitude. I wanted Beth to have a father, a male figure in her life who cared and loved her.
I adjusted my sunglasses as my sneakers hit the sidewalk. I needed to get out of the condo and get some air. Beth was still asleep, so I pulled on a pair of shorts, slipped on my shoes, and took off. I needed to get away from Jackie and her stupid face. I was so mad at her for making me feel uncomfortable. Why did she have to go and ruin the nice and easy comradery we were establishing? Why did she have to go and be so…so…wonderful?
The gulf breeze blew through my hair, and I regretted not bringing a ponytail holder to pull it back. It was getting long enough that I could get it out of my face if I needed to, but it didn’t look ridiculous. Now it was going to look like a giant puffball because of the wind and humidity.
The humidity. Another reason we should have never left Savannah. I should have stayed with Veronica and found a way to get Steven out of the house without being afraid of him.
A shudder ran through my body when I thought about him and saw his hand in slow motion coming toward my face.
What am I thinking? Leaving was the right decision. Protecting myself, protecting Beth, was the right decision. Staying with Jackie was the right decision. Wasn’t it? It had to be because I couldn’t put Beth through leaving, taking off to some other place to hide out. Running was never something I advocated, so this was a big step for me. It was going to be real difficult staying with Jackie, though if she continued to be…attracted to me. If that was even what it was. I had no idea. I was pretty naïve when it came to understanding matters of the heart. Hell, I’d spent the last however many years of my life making sure nothing intimate ever happened with Steven. So, I could have been completely wrong about Jackie. She was just a nice person. Her touching my chin and jaw with her delicate fingers, and looking at me with her beautiful eyes, and smiling at me with that breathtaking smile did not necessarily mean she was attracted to me.
But what if it did mean that?
Not to brag, ever, but I was not ugly. I had nice skin, and deep-set eyes, and my lips were full, and I had a decent body, even if it was a little soft after eating my way through the last few years of depression. I kept myself together, though, and I held myself well. So, someone who was attracted to women could possibly be attracted to me. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities. Even with the remnants of the humiliating bruise.
Of course, running away from Steven was not supposed to include any of this. I didn’t have the mental or emotional stability to deal with all of these feelings, on her end or mine. I didn’t sign up for that. And I certainly didn’t sign up for the way it made me feel when I did catch her studying me. Or the way it made me feel when I grabbed her hand, and she looked at me with that amazing eye contact she had. Or the way I felt when I closed my eyes in her bathtub and thought about her in there with other another woman, washing her back, her hair, her breasts…
My breasts.
Jesus. Christ.
Another shudder ran through me, but it f
elt entirely different than the first one. What the hell was she doing to me? She had me thinking and questioning, and I did not want to do any of those things. Not now. Not ever.
I breathed in deep and peered into the distance. There were a couple people out exercising but not as many as I expected at this early hour. I found a spot to sit on the beach, right off the sidewalk. The sun was getting higher and higher. The moon was still up, too, which was always such a strange phenomenon to me. Even in the brightest of times, darkness was always there, lurking…
When I propped myself up and soaked in the morning sun, I heard someone approaching in the sand. The person was running, so I opened my eyes to make sure he or she wasn’t going to run into me. My stomach sank when I saw blond hair in a ponytail swaying back and forth. Jackie. And of course, she had tiny spandex shorts on and only a sports bra with no shirt. Her body was ridiculous. Of fucking course it is.
She slowed when she approached and took her earbuds out of her ears. She nodded at me, and I closed my eyes, ignoring her completely. I heard her let out a huff as she continued past. The coast was not clear, though, as I opened my eyes and saw her in my peripheral vision.
“Is this how it’s going to be now?”
I didn’t answer.
“Seriously? You’re not going to answer me?”
“What do you want me to say, Jackie?”
“At least acknowledge my presence. This has all been hard on me, too.”
“How? How in the world could this be hard on you?”
Jackie let out a laugh that caused my heart to shoot into my throat. “You’re joking, right?”
She was still out of breath, and it was driving me crazy in a way I wasn’t prepared for, but I really didn’t want to talk to her about this. Not now. Not ever. And especially not when she wasn’t wearing a shirt.
“I know this is insanely difficult for you, Susan. Believe me. And even though I don’t know you that well, it’s really hard to see you like this.”
“It’s not like you’ve ever seen me any other way.” My voice was low. I could barely hear myself above the sound of the waves.
“So? That’s supposed to make your sadness okay?” She was using her hands to talk. I hadn’t noticed until now that she had a thick silver ring on her middle finger. Why was I noticing that? “I know I overstepped some boundaries. I know I did. But I have boundaries, too, and you and Beth sort of flew right past those without permission and without any fucking remorse.”
“Are you serious right now?” I was pissed. “You think I wanted to come here? For you to see me like this? For you to see that the woman that has your kid is a fucking mess?”
Jackie took a breath and held it. Her abs flexed. I couldn’t look at anything else. I hated myself in that moment. I was staring at her as if I wanted to rip her clothes off. “Susan,” she said softly. She took a step toward me, and for reasons that had everything to do with my past and Steven and nothing to do with her and her wonderfulness, it made me flinch. She stopped immediately, and her face softened, and if we were closer emotionally, I would have apologized. I bit my lip, stared at her, and hoped maybe telepathically she heard my apology, because I couldn’t find the words to actually say I was sorry. She held her hands up in surrender. “You’re stronger than you realize,” she said and pulled her shoulders back so she was standing tall. “And I know that all of this with Steven has really thrown you.”
“You know nothing.” Those words hurt her. Maybe even more than my inability to control a flinch when backed into a corner. I could see it in her eyes and the way her sweat-covered face fell.
“Why are you so mad at me? I literally asked for none of this!” She threw her hands in the air and looked around. “I never asked to meet Beth. I never asked to meet you! And I certainly never asked to share my simple life and home with either of you.” She pointed at me. “You think you’re the only one that’s going through a lot of shit right now? Well, you aren’t. You don’t get to have the monopoly on feelings.”
“The monopoly on feelings?” She was out of her mind! I stood quickly, probably too fast because I felt a little lightheaded. I spun around and followed her as she walked away from me. “You have some nerve. You act like I wanted this. Do you think I wanted to be in an abusive relationship? Or that I wanted to come here? Of all places? I never wanted to meet you! Or find out how much you fucking look like my daughter. I never wanted her to meet you! I never wanted to worry that you’re better than me or cooler than me or goddammit, prettier than me. So, fuck you!”
Jackie stopped in her tracks, hands on her hips, and turned around to face me. We were only inches away from each other. “Prettier than you? Are you kidding me right now?”
I folded my arms across my chest and squared my jaw and shoulders so she knew I meant business.
“You are serious, aren’t you?”
I still didn’t respond, but yes, I was serious. I was very serious. And it sickened me to know that when faced with all of this, deep down, the real reason for my inability to handle whatever was happening with Jackie was vanity. I was a psychologist, for Christ’s sake. I should have known myself better than that.
“Susan,” she said quietly, and her voice cracked. “Do you even realize that the first time I saw you, it took my breath away?” She tilted her head as she continued to look at me. Her eyes were lovely even when sad.
My heart was in my throat, and I could barely feel my legs. Was I still lightheaded from getting up too quick?
“Do you even understand how much I want to tell you that you deserve someone who would never hurt you or hit you, someone who would take care of you and Beth forever?” Jackie breathed in, and I could see the muscles in her neck tighten as she held the breath for one beat, two, before she slowly let it out. “I don’t want to freak you out. I want you to feel safe. So, I’m sorry that you feel all that you’re feeling because I never meant for any of this to happen.” I wanted to reach out and touch her hand and tell her that I was so sorry and so stupid and an awful human being, but I couldn’t. Every muscle in my body was paralyzed. I watched her eyes, how they roamed my facial features before she turned and headed in the direction of the condo. My heart was beating so hard. I reached up to my face and realized that I was actually crying. What the hell was going on with me?
And why was I still watching her walk away? Why did I even care if she was hurt or sad or crying?
I turned and looked out at the water, at the waves crashing onto the shore, at the blue sky. I could feel the warmth from the sun as it crept higher. This was one of the most calming spots on Earth, and here I was wound tight as a snare drum.
I glanced back in the direction that Jackie walked and saw that she had started running and was way past the condo.
God, I really messed up.
* * *
BETH
Four days.
Four whole days.
I had been in St. Pete for four days now, and I wasn’t supposed to text my friends. I wasn’t allowed to call them. I was supposed to stay hidden.
Well, I was going freaking crazy!
Not because I was bored or didn’t like it in St. Pete. I was enjoying the salt, sand, and sun. But there were only so many things I could draw and paint, so many books I could read, so much music I could listen to, before I wanted to post something on Facebook or FaceTime my friends. And to top it off, I was sunburned from falling asleep on the beach yesterday. I was so mad at myself. I even put sunscreen on. SPF 50, my ass.
There was this tension in the condo, too, that I couldn’t put my finger on. Mom and Jackie both denied it, but I felt it in the air. I didn’t know why they both acted as if I was a child. It was obvious Jackie was not used to sharing her space, but she was being really patient. At least as patient as a person could be who wasn’t used to having to be patient. I only heard her get super frustrated once, and it was because Myrtle had an accident in the hallway, and Jackie, unfortunately but hilariously, found it with her
bare feet. I heard a “Oh, for fuck’s sake” and a “Myrtle, you’re lucky you’re so fucking cute!” and a lot of groans and gags. It was only pee, but Jackie acted as if it was the most disgusting thing she’d ever cleaned up. And I rushed to help her, of course, because Myrtle, according to Mom, was my responsibility.
Walking her became my job. Mom didn’t take any interest whatsoever in going with or helping, which wasn’t like her at all. But twice in the morning hours and four to five times throughout the day, I’d grab my longboard and head down to the sidewalk that connected the condo buildings along the beach. I didn’t mind it so much because it got me out of the enclosed space. And Myrtle was getting so good at pulling me while I was on my longboard that it really was a lot of fun.
I sat on a bench lining the sidewalk, and Myrtle jumped up next to me. She was getting antsy, so I knew I needed to head back soon, but being trapped in the condo was not something I could handle right now.
There were people all up and down the sidewalk. Runners, walkers, roller-bladers, you name it, they were there. I should take up roller-blading. It looked like something I could handle. I needed to do something to stay in decent shape, too. Sitting around eating Starbursts and Oreos was doing nothing good for my love handles.
As that thought passed through my head, a flock of seagulls flew past. Myrtle’s ears perked, and before I knew it, she took off after them, her leash dragging behind her.
“Myrtle!” I shouted, but she was not listening. “Myrtle!” Still nothing as I ran to catch up with her. Dammit, she was fast!
I saw her approaching a group of people, and one of them saw me chasing Myrtle. A girl stepped out and said, “Here, puppy!” and thank God, she actually listened!
