Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  Tabitha winked at me as she held Beth’s hand. “You talked about me? I’m so excited!”

  “No, she snooped through my pictures,” I said.

  “Guilty,” Beth said. She shrugged. “I mean, she leaves them out. Like, what am I supposed to do? Not look?”

  “Exactly, you gotta look!”

  I rolled my eyes at the two of them. “Whatever. You both suck.”

  Tabitha moved her line of sight to Susan and cleared her throat. “And you are Beth’s younger friend?”

  Susan tilted her head, shook it, and then smiled that megawatt smile that made my knees weak and my head woozy. “You are a charmer, aren’t you?”

  “I learn it all from Jacks,” Tabitha said as she pulled Susan’s outstretched hand and wrapped her arms around Susan’s body. If I didn’t know Tabitha so well, I would have been jealous. But she was turning on her charm to impress the newcomers.

  “She uses my best material,” I said over the house music that was bumping in the bar. Susan shook her head again and laughed. “What?”

  Susan leaned into my space. Her breasts were pressed against me, and her body heat was radiating through her layer of clothing as well as the thin cotton tank top I was wearing. I watched as her eyes flitted from my eyes to my chest then back to my eyes again. “I feel like I haven’t seen your best material yet.” She raised an eyebrow, and the corner of her mouth turned upward. “Am I right?”

  My mouth was dry, and my hands were trembling. How was she able to do that to me so easily? I was normally so cool, calm, and collected, but with her? She unnerved me. And I was liking it more and more as time went on.

  “Hey, you two?”

  “Yes?” I answered Tabitha while keeping my eyes glued to Susan’s.

  “Wanna sit down? Or do you two need to get a room?”

  Susan’s spine stiffened, and her demeanor changed drastically when the realization dawned on her that she was being so brazen with people only a few feet away from us. Her gaze broke from mine, and she glanced at Beth. Thankfully, she wasn’t looking, but I saw the fear in Susan’s eyes.

  “Hey,” I said softly when we finally sat. “Are you okay?”

  Susan pursed her lips. “This is…too much.”

  “What is?”

  “Us,” she said, but she leaned into me, and it made my stomach clench. Her tone was far from freaked out.

  “We don’t have to do this. I can back off. I can be whatever you need me to be.” She looked at the stage after I said that, and I looked at her profile, at her slender nose and her long eyelashes. Everything about Susan was so lovely. And all I wanted to do was let myself fall for her, heart, body, and soul. I was most of the way there already, but I was not about to let myself completely go until I knew I was what she wanted.

  Or at least until I knew she wanted it so much that she couldn’t say no.

  I knew she was close… But not close enough.

  * * *

  SUSAN

  It seemed like the place for me to compose myself when it came to Jackie was always going to be in the bathroom wherever we were. Our visit to the Rusty Nail was no different. When I walked into the super-confined bathroom, I thanked God. The temperature was at least fifteen degrees cooler than the bar. I stared at myself in the mirror. There was hardly any purple visible through my makeup, but it was definitely still there. Steven’s angry eyes flashed in my head, and I couldn’t bear to look at myself any longer.

  One of the two stall doors opened, and Jackie’s friend Dana walked out. She smiled at me in my reflection as she turned on the faucet. She retrieved three pumps of soap and started to wash her hands. I didn’t know if it was my brain’s tendency to believe stereotypes, but I was so shocked by how pretty Jackie’s friends were, especially Dana. Her hair was gorgeous, jet-black, long, and so curly. It made my hair look horrible in comparison. The second I met her, I started comparing myself to her. How stupid was that? Why was I jealous? I literally knew nothing about her. Except the daggers she shot at me from across the table as I sat next to Jackie and tried to keep my composure.

  “Are you enjoying yourself?”

  I looked at her again in the mirror. “Yeah, I am. Thank you.”

  “I don’t mean tonight at the bar,” Dana said. She faced me fully and leaned her hip against the sink. Her right leg crossed over her left, her arms folded across her chest, and everything about her stance was confrontational.

  I couldn’t back down from whatever was happening even though I knew I shouldn’t engage. “Why don’t you enlighten me then?”

  “Don’t play dumb with me. You know exactly what you’re doing.” She had a southern twang to her voice that I hadn’t heard until that moment. Maybe it was the alcohol that brought it out or her anger. I didn’t know. Either way, it made me dislike her even more because it sort of made her even cuter. “You’re getting awfully cozy with Jacks.”

  Something came over me. I laughed. I actually laughed.

  “What are you laughing at?”

  “I’m sorry.” I tried to purse my lips together to stop laughing, but I couldn’t control it. I glanced around the bathroom and then back at Dana. I took a deep breath and still smiling said, “You have nothing to worry about.”

  “I’m not worried for my sake.”

  “Well, whoever’s sake you’re worrying for, you don’t need to.”

  “Jackie’s sake.” Her face softened, and the way she was glaring at me changed. “I’m worried about Jackie.”

  I knew in that instant that my fear of Dana and my jealousy was warranted because that look? That was something other than friendship.

  “She’s fragile. Way more fragile than she seems.”

  “Why do you think I’m going to hurt her?”

  “Because I know women like you. I know your whole ‘broken’ routine, and I know how a hopeless romantic like Jackie falls for it. Every. Single. Time.” Dana cleared her throat when a guy walked into the bathroom. I did a double take. For half a second, I forgot I was in a unisex bathroom. Dana leaned forward slightly, almost into my personal space. Her skin was flawless. She wasn’t wearing makeup, yet she still looked beautiful. I was starting to hate her. “Remember that when you decide this isn’t want you want, you’ll be hurting two people: Jackie and your daughter. Because I can tell by looking at Beth that she thinks Jacks is the best thing since sliced bread.”

  “So, what are you saying? Hmm? You act like I can control this. Like I’m asking for it.”

  Dana shrugged as she pushed off the sink and looked into the mirror. She smoothed her hands over her thin waist and then fixed her breasts in her bra. She was wearing tiny jean shorts and a white tank. Her body was perfect. “I’m saying you hurt her, and I’ll kill you.”

  I swallowed.

  “And don’t think I can’t. I went to culinary school. I know how to slice and dice with the best of them.”

  The door to the bathroom swung open, and Tabitha was standing in the doorway. Her short blond hair was so frizzy. She had been standing in the humidity for far too long. “Jesus, are you two coming or what?”

  Dana walked out of the bathroom and left me standing at the sinks. Tabitha took a couple steps toward me. “You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “Yes, I’m okay.”

  “Is Dana being a dick to you?”

  “No, of course not.”

  Tabitha huffed and came closer. “Hey, whatever she said, don’t listen to her. She’s been in love with Jackie for years. And Jackie doesn’t want a relationship with her.”

  So, I was right. “I had no idea.”

  Tabitha pulled her head back and narrowed her brown eyes. “Is that sarcasm? I think that’s sarcasm.”

  I laughed and so did Tabitha. “It might be.”

  “Good,” she said. She threw her arm over my shoulders and led me out of the bathroom. “There are three things you need to know about Jackie. One, she comes across as selfish, but that is an act. She cares and g
ives, even when she probably shouldn’t. Two, she’s an introvert. Always has been, even in college. Look at her. She’s struggling so hardcore right now. All she wants is to go home and read or write.” We stood by the bar where we had a perfect view of the table. Jackie’s arms were crossed, and even though she was talking and laughing, she was sitting bolt upright, and her legs were crossed tight. “I’ve only seen her comfortable twice in the entire time I’ve known her.” Tabitha turned and grabbed two shots that were delivered to her from the bartender. She handed one over to me. “Drink.”

  “What the hell is this?”

  She grinned at me and raised her eyebrows. “It’s a Wet Pussy.”

  “You’re kidding me.”

  “I would never kid about wet pussies.” We clinked the shot glasses together, and I threw my head back to take the shot. “Good, right?”

  I shook my head, still smiling at her and said, “Actually, yeah. It’s really good.”

  “Ah-ha! I knew you’d like a good wet pussy!” she shouted and clapped her hands together.

  I leaned against the bar and looked back at Jackie. She was looking over at me, and that sight alone made my knees weak. “So, what’s the third thing?”

  “She is the epitome of a hopeless romantic.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, Dana said the same thing.”

  Tabitha grabbed two more shots from the bartender and handed one over to me. We clinked the glasses together and threw them back in unison. “It’s not a bad thing,” she said loudly. “It’s a good thing. She’ll shower you with affection, love you hard, probably fuck you harder—”

  I gasped. “Tabitha!”

  “Well? I’m being honest with you. Don’t you want to be prepared for this? Because if you start this with her, she’s not going to be fifty percent in. She’ll be all the way in. All the time. She doesn’t know how to half ass anything.”

  “Why are you all so sure something is going to happen?”

  “My God,” Tabitha said as she turned toward the bar and raised her hand for two more shots. “You act like I don’t know everything about Jacks. Or about women. Look,” she said and paused before she received the shots and handed me another one. I looked at it. I was getting inebriated quickly. This was not going to be good. “Jackie is far from a sure thing. But I’m telling you right now, I have only seen her look at one other person that way.”

  “And what way is that?”

  “Like you could be her entire world,” she said as she clinked her glass against mine. “Salud!”

  Tabitha’s confession made my heart clench. What was happening? This wasn’t good… There was no way that I could go through with this. Could I? I was in no place emotionally to give myself entirely over to anyone else. Especially Jackie. Beth’s biological mother. What the hell? How did this whole thing get so out of hand so fast? One minute I was firmly against everything to do with Jackie. I was against her hair, and her eyes, and the way she touched me and looked at me, and even the way she breathed. And then, a switch was flipped, and my heart was ready to plunge into her body and soul and not look back.

  I set the empty shot glass on the bar top with shaky hands and took a deep breath. When I finally made myself look over at Jackie, I saw her toss her loose hair over her shoulder. She was leaning forward, engaged in conversation with some of her other friends that arrived.

  Beth was conversing with Jackie’s friends now, too: Janice, Jenny, Barbara, and a girl with red hair I didn’t recognize. She looked too young to be part of Jackie’s crew, so I assumed it was one of the people we were here to see play. Beth noticed me watching her and picked her hand up to wave. I waved back, so she instantly stood and grabbed the red-haired girl by the wrist.

  “Mom.” Beth’s smile was huge. “This is Peggy.”

  Up close, the redhead was adorable. “Peggy? Wow, it’s wonderful to meet you.” I reached my hand out, and the girl leapt forward and hugged me. “Whoa there!”

  Peggy pulled away while she chuckled. “I’m so sorry. You looked super huggable.” She smoothed her hands down my arms and squeezed my forearms. “This is awesome. You’re, like, amazing for bringing Beth here for such a long vacation. Like, totes a super cool mom.”

  Totes? A vacation? I looked at Beth and made sure my eyebrow was arched as high as it’d go. She knew that look like the back of her hand. I smiled when I turned my attention back to Peggy. She was still smiling a perfect smile. Very charming. “Well, thank you so much. I’m so glad you invited us tonight.”

  “Oh, Ms. Weber, you’re going to love it. We have a great playlist. Eighties and nineties. Even some seventies. And I write all the originals.”

  Beth’s mouth dropped open before she asked, “You do?”

  “Yeah, for sure. I didn’t tell you that?”

  Beth shook her head. Her eyes hadn’t left Peggy’s profile since they came over to me. I kind of had a feeling what was going on in Beth’s head since I was literally going through the same thing. It was confusing to be enamored with someone new, someone who wasn’t her normal type, someone who was a goddamn woman. That was for sure. “I’m definitely looking forward to it. And I know Beth is.”

  “Yeah, and holy shit, Jackie Mitchell? That’s who y’all are staying with?” Peggy turned and looked at Beth, who shrugged. “She’s like my favorite author. I can’t even believe this.”

  Beth smiled and bounced on the balls of her feet. That was definitely her signature move when she was nervous, scared, excited, happy, etcetera. “She was super happy to meet a fan, I’m sure.”

  “She looked annoyed.”

  “You should have seen how annoyed she was when I showed up on her doorstep.”

  “Wait, what?” Peggy smiled at Beth, and I swore to God I saw Beth’s heart leap into her throat. And here I thought she wanted to come to the show to see the boy she’d been talking about. I wondered if Beth was even aware of how she was acting?

  “Why don’t you two talk about that another time?” I said as I leaned closer to Beth. “It’s not really the right place, shouting over the music and all.”

  Beth looked at me, our faces only an inch or two apart, and she grinned. “Mom, are you drunk?”

  I pulled back, put my hand on my heart, and fake gasped. “Of course not.”

  “Maybe tipsy?”

  I smiled. “Not at all.”

  Peggy put her hand on my arm, and I looked at it, then her. “I think you might be a little tips, Ms. Weber.”

  “Maybe a little.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Beth raised her chin, the smile still on her lips, and said, “You should probably go back and sit with Jackie.”

  “Okay, why don’t you go and mingle with people your own age?” I shooed them away. They both rolled their eyes and walked toward a couple tables near the stage. I stood and watched the crowd, the variety of people. I hated to admit it, but this was the first time I had been in a gay bar. It made me sort of sad. I had been missing out on all of this for so long. These people were so comfortable and okay with themselves. How often had that happened in my life? Probably never.

  “You going to come back and join me?”

  Chills shot up my spine at the sound of Jackie’s voice behind me. She sounded like velvet felt. “I was thinking about it,” I said, tossing the words playfully over my shoulder. I had no idea what got into me around her, but instantly I turned into a twenty-one-year-old flirt.

  Jackie laughed, and her breath breezed past the bare skin on the back of my neck. She took a step closer to me, so I could feel her breasts against my back. “So, this band doesn’t go on until ten.”

  I tried to respond, to say something, anything, but I couldn’t. All I could do was feel the swell of her breasts gently grazing my shoulder blades.

  “Think you’d want to go home?”

  My breath caught, and I swallowed once, then twice, before I slowly turned to look at her. She reached up and pushed her fingers into the hair at her forehead. The curls she had
put in her hair earlier were still hanging in there even though it was pretty humid in the bar. Her eyes locked on to mine, and she shrugged.

  “I mean, only if you want to get out of here.”

  She was nervous. I could hear it in her voice. Jackie Mitchell was standing in front of me, and she was nervous. It made my heart swell. “I would love to.” The corner of her mouth tugged upward, and she ran her fingers down my forearm to my hand. My heart momentarily stopped when I thought she was going to hold my hand, but all she did was squeeze my fingers.

  “Let’s go then.”

  * * *

  BETH

  Peggy was amazing. And Brock! Oh, my God. He was so cute playing the guitar, and he even switched with the drummer at one point. I was so impressed with his music skills.

  But Peggy…

  They sang songs that I actually knew, which was super cool. I was shocked out of my mind when they covered songs like “Warrior” by Patty Smyth and Rick Springfield’s “Jesse’s Girl”. The crowd went wild during all the P!NK covers, as well. I was having the absolute best time.

  Even though my mom and Jackie had left, I didn’t care. I let loose. For the first time in forever. I was so relaxed, even around all these new people. I let myself fit in. All of Peggy and Brock’s friends were so welcoming and nice. It was kind of strange, actually, because back home, I never really fit in. I had friends, and it was all fine, I guess. But at the end of the day, I never truly felt comfortable in my own skin. Always trying to belong but never really succeeding.

  After the band had their break, the second set started, and like, I’d never seen so many people start crowding closer to the stage. The entire bar was full. Even Jackie’s friends had moved from their table and were getting closer to the stage. Tabitha kept yelling at me and telling me to behave. As annoying as it would have been in Savannah, it was pretty damn cool here in St. Pete. Maybe it was my chill attitude these days? Who knew?

  “Hey again, Rusty Nailers!” Peggy shouted into the microphone.