Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  “No,” I said when I reached over and put my hand on her leg. “Don’t. This car is so you.”

  “A hot mess that barely starts?”

  “A classic with a beautiful soul.” Damn, that was a good line! I wanted to high five myself. I didn’t have to, though, because Peggy looked at me, her mouth hanging open, and laughed.

  “Look at you! What a pick-up line that was!”

  I started to laugh and smacked her on the arm. “Drive.” She smiled at me one last time before she pulled away from the condo.

  Watching her drive was really enjoyable. Hearing her curse when the car wouldn’t shift properly at a stoplight was even better. She tried to tell me something about how she needed to get it looked at and the timing and some other mumbo jumbo, but I literally was not listening to a word she was saying. I couldn’t stop looking at her mouth as she spoke. Her lips were so perfect, full and pink, and I wanted them on me.

  What the fuck was happening to me?

  Jesus.

  We drove through a small town on the gulf coast that she said was called Dunedin. It was a really cute town with this cool little downtown area. We both decided we didn’t want dinner, so she took me to get praline pecan ice cream in a waffle cone. Our arms kept brushing together as we made the short walk to the pier. She talked a lot about her friends but didn’t mention parents or family at all. I wanted to ask but knew we had tons of time to get to know each other. She mentioned the word bisexual twice. I guess that meant she was bi? It was followed with a comment about hating labels, which made me feel guilty for trying to label her, even when I hated labels myself.

  “I love love,” she said when we found a bench along the water and waited for the sunset. It was cloudy, but Peggy assured me it would be great.

  “I understand that.” I took a bite of ice cream and kept my eyes on the horizon. The gentle sounds of waves lapping at the wood stilts of the pier was calming, thank God. Otherwise, I would have been a wreck. “Of course, I’ve never been in love before.”

  “Never?”

  “I’m only sixteen.”

  “I fell in love for the first time at eleven,” she said with a smile. She shrugged and looked over at me. “My science teacher, Mrs. Lansing. She was so beautiful. Long, curly, dark hair, and she had these gray streaks through it. God, she was gorgeous.”

  Her eyes were closed as she described how she felt about the older woman from her past. I was so taken by how pretty Peggy was. Her skin was perfect, and I would have killed for cheekbones like hers. The more I was around her, the more I couldn’t believe that someone so beautiful wanted to spend time with me, be near me, kiss me… It was blowing my mind.

  “Do you remember your first crush?”

  Would it be strange for me to say that it was her?

  Probably.

  So, I wracked my brain thinking of the first time I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the nerves, the fear, the happiness. All of a sudden, the memory crashed into me like a wave in the gulf. “I think maybe our neighbor back in Savannah.”

  “Girl or boy?”

  “Woman.”

  Peggy nudged me. “You go, Georgia! Tell me about her.”

  “Well, she had dark hair, dark eyes, kind of like your teacher. I was only seven or eight, though. And she was newly married and moved in with her husband. My friend Kim and I would go and hang out over there all the time. And she was so kind, so caring. I remember scraping my knee once and instead of going to my mom, I went to her. I was crying so hard, and she held me close and gave me a popsicle, and I remember feeling so calm and happy. That whole ‘I never want to not feel this’ feeling, which is so weird because she was being motherly. So, like, what was wrong with me?”

  “Nothing is wrong with you.” Peggy placed her hand on my knee like she did back at the condo, and electricity and heat coursed through my entire body. “What was her name?”

  “Margaret.” I tore my eyes from Peggy’s hand and looked straight into her eyes.

  “No shit?”

  “Guess I should have known when I met you that maybe this was another chance at feeling safe.”

  “I make you feel safe?” The side of Peggy’s mouth was pulling up.

  There was no other way to answer her than to lean into her and place my lips on hers.

  “You’re kissing me in public,” she whispered against my kiss, and all I could do was kiss her harder.

  * * *

  SUSAN

  “So, tell me what the fuck is going on here?”

  I cocked an eyebrow at Melissa as we walked next to the gulf, kicking broken pieces of shells and splashing lightly through the water. “What do you mean?” I knew what she meant, but I needed to hear her say it. I had no idea why, other than to make myself believe that I was actually falling for a woman.

  “With you and this Jackie woman.”

  There it is.

  “You both seem surprisingly comfortable with this arrangement.” Melissa padded next to me with her feet in the water. The water was cool, but the air was a perfect temperature of seventy-five. The break in the oppressive humidity was welcome. There were only a few people on the beach, too. The sun was going to set in about a half hour, so I knew it wouldn’t be long before people started to meander down to the water.

  “I guess we do. I haven’t really thought about it.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Of freaking course she was able to read me like a book. It’d been that way for years and years. Probably since high school, when I would beg her to make sure mom and dad didn’t know I was staying out past curfew, and she would know immediately it was because of a stupid boy. I stopped to pick up a shell that washed up as the tide was starting to come back in. “I don’t really know what’s going on.” I tossed the broken shell back into the water and looked out at the sun as it crept closer and closer to the horizon.

  “You’re kidding me, right?” Melissa walked a couple feet to the dry sand and plopped down on her backside. She stretched her legs out. “I feel like you’re not telling me something. I know in the past you’d eventually tell me, but now? Now you’re being all coy. And it’s not a good look on you.”

  “You’re a brat,” I said with a smile as I sat next to her.

  “I’m not the one that’s holding out.”

  “Look, Mel, I have no idea where to even begin.”

  “The beginning. You start these things at the beginning.”

  We both laughed when I smacked her on her bare leg. She nudged me and leaned her head against my shoulder before I stared back out at the sunset. “It’s complicated,” I said softly. It took me forever to even say that much because in all honesty, I really didn’t know how to begin.

  “I can tell,” she whispered. The sound of the waves crashing almost drowned her voice out, but when she sat upright and took a deep breath, I knew she wanted me to unequivocally hear whatever she was about to say. “Suze?”

  “What?”

  “She’s gay. And you’re straight, so there’s no way that you want to do anything with her.” She cleared her throat. “I mean, right?”

  I kept my eyes on the water. I wished it would come and wash me away. I was not prepared for this conversation. I didn’t know if I would have ever been prepared for it. And here I was, having it, with absolutely no idea how to handle coming out of the closet when I never even realized it might be somewhere I was. I smiled and glanced over at her. “Right,” I answered finally, lying to her. Lying to my own sister!

  “She is really pretty, though.” Melissa laughed. “I mean, for a dyke.”

  “Don’t call her that,” I said. My voice was soft, but she heard me even though I didn’t look at her.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Don’t.” I leaned back on my hands, dug my fingers into the sand, and looked over at Melissa. “She’s a lesbian and happy with who she is.” Melissa didn’t say a word. She sat there, stone faced, watching me. I could see it, her inability to fully comprehend
what I was saying. “She’s a really good person,” I said when our eyes locked.

  “You like her.”

  “What?” I tried to sound shocked. I’m pretty sure it didn’t work.

  “You. You like her.” Melissa looked away from me and shook her head. “What the hell, Suzie?”

  I sighed and mimicked how she was sitting. “I don’t like her,” I said and wanted to kick myself for trying to backpedal. “At least, not in the way you’re thinking.”

  “I’m thinking in the gay way, sweetie. And you’re lying to me. So…”

  “Mel, no.” Did I really think protesting was a good idea?

  Melissa let out a solitary huff. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Shut up. No, I’m not.”

  “Admit it,” she said, starting the argument that I really didn’t want to have but knew was inevitable. “Admit that you like her.”

  Was it worth fighting? Was it? Because at this point, it was obvious to almost everyone that I liked her. I really, really liked her. Even though I was struggling with all of it because I wasn’t supposed to like the woman that was my daughter’s birth mom. But God, how did I stop these feelings when everything she did was mesmerizing? She was beautiful and flawed yet perfect, and I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to hold her and look at her and kiss her… How was I supposed to “get the girl” in this situation when I literally didn’t know I wanted a girl until two weeks ago? The whole scenario was entirely too screwed up.

  “Look, Suze,” Melissa said when she leaned forward and started to write something in the sand. “I’m not going to flip out on you. This is your life. You do what you want to. But…” She scribbled an “X” on the tic-tac-toe board she drew. I followed suit and drew an “O” in the upper left corner. She scoffed. “Whatever. You won’t win.” We quickly got through the game, her winning, of course, and then she finished her earlier thought with, “Steven’s not going to be happy.”

  “I know. God, I know. Maybe…” I paused, took a deep breath and let it out.

  “Maybe what?”

  “Maybe I should go back.”

  “Go back?”

  “Yes. Go back.”

  “To what? To Steven? Why the fuck would you want to go back?”

  I didn’t even know what to say to answer her question. I didn’t want to go back, but… “It would be so much easier, wouldn’t it?” I heard Melissa sigh. I wasn’t looking at her because the shame was too much.

  “If you really think that going back and getting the shit beat out of you is ‘easier,’ then you really aren’t the strong older sister I thought you were.”

  “Wow.”

  “No,” Melissa said loudly. I heard the seagulls start to caw over the top of the sound, though and wondered if she would stop talking or continue. She continued. “If you go home, I’ll never forgive you for doing that to Beth. And I guarantee Jackie won’t either.”

  “Melissa—”

  “Stop.” Melissa turned so she was looking at me. “Were you happy?”

  “No.”

  “Then stop. Don’t go back. Jesus Christ, don’t go back if the only fucking reason would be because it’d be easier.”

  “He’s going to be furious when he gets the papers.”

  “Who gives a fuck?”

  “I do!” I shouted. “He’s a runaway train, and I don’t think this is going to stop him.” I’d spent a lot of years of my life unhappy because of Steven, because of my inability to have courage and leave. Why should I care now if he was happy? I used to starch his fucking boxer shorts, for Christ’s sake. I was so done caring.

  I watched Melissa visibly swallow. “He was really crazy when he came to the house. I thought he was going to kill one of us.”

  “Mel, I’m so sorry—”

  “No, it was fine. But still. He’s crazy.”

  “God, what did Patrick say?”

  “He said you’re a goddamn saint for putting up with him for so long,” Melissa said with a laugh. “And he’s right.”

  I sighed.

  “Hey.” Melissa leaned into me. “I’m going to support you no matter what.”

  “Mel, you’re such a good sister.”

  “Did you ever think you’d say that?”

  “Nope. Never,” I answered with a laugh. “You proved me wrong.”

  Melissa was laughing along with me as the sun dipped into the Gulf. Watching the sunset always made me feel insignificant and small in a weird way, as if nothing I did mattered in this world. But now, it made me feel at peace. I’d never felt at peace before. And the reality of that awareness made me pull a breath deep into my lungs as my eyes filled with tears. I blinked rapidly to make sure the tears didn’t betray me. They didn’t listen, but honestly, I didn’t care at that moment. And Melissa didn’t notice.

  Thank God.

  Chapter Twelve

  SUSAN

  Melissa didn’t stay long. She was on her way the next day, and even though it was great to see her, I was so happy when she left. Being under her constant scrutiny, especially when it came to my relationship with Jackie, became infuriating quickly. And so frustrating because I didn’t want to be honest with her. I wasn’t ready. I barely understood what was going on inside my heart and mind. How was I supposed to explain it to someone else? Someone who wouldn’t believe it or want to understand it? I couldn’t.

  I was a little ashamed of myself. Here Jackie was, living her best life, out and proud, and in waltzed me (and our kid), who was utterly confused and scared and broken.

  God.

  Broken.

  I was so broken. And as honest as I was with Jackie, I still didn’t want to tell her everything. Because telling her everything meant telling her why I no longer had a job, why I no longer fought when Steven raised his hand, and why I was relieved when Beth actually found Jackie. I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to be that honest.

  So, Melissa breezing in and leaving as quickly as she arrived was a good thing. Except now, all I could think about was Jackie and how I never completely came clean about my relationship with her. I got a text when Melissa landed in Chicago on Wednesday afternoon saying she understood, and she loved me no matter what. I guess I did come out? I had no idea.

  Who didn’t remember if they actually came out or not?

  I was such a mess.

  As I watched Melissa drive away in the back seat of the Lyft, Jackie asked me if I would go to the beach with her. “It’ll help you take your mind off things,” she said softly with her hand on my shoulder. I wanted to, but I was so apprehensive about her seeing me in a bathing suit. The last time I gave a shit about something so superficial, I was eighteen and in college. I didn’t know if I liked the feeling of caring about my body image.

  But alas, I said I would go. So, I stripped down and pulled on my suit: black bottoms that had a stupid skirt which hid my thighs and a hot pink tankini top. Beth told me the color looked great on my tan skin. I listened, even though I felt like a blob of cotton candy.

  When I emerged from the bedroom, Jackie was ready in a white cover-up and brown leather flip-flops. I was kind of disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see her in her bathing suit first in the apartment. It was probably a good thing, though, because I was so ready to rip her clothes off that I had a feeling we wouldn’t get to the beach.

  What was I thinking? We hadn’t even kissed yet! God. I was acting like a horny teenager.

  “You ready?” Jackie’s face lit up. She was carrying two chairs, one as a backpack and the other had a strap so she could carry it on her shoulder. She pointed toward a cooler. “I packed us some beers. Is that okay?”

  “It’s five o’clock somewhere, right?”

  “It sure is. Would you mind carrying it?”

  I bent down and picked up the cooler. It also had a strap, so I was able to throw it over my head and carry it like a cross-body bag. It wasn’t light, so I wondered how many beers she packed. Were we going to get wasted on the beach?
Great! The last thing I wanted was to drink too much around Jackie again. I was still kicking myself for the night after the Rusty Nail. I couldn’t believe I screwed that up!

  Jackie looked back at Myrtle and waved. “See you later, Myrt.”

  It warmed my heart that she said good-bye to my dog even though I knew she didn’t like animals. I couldn’t stop smiling. “Myrt, eh?”

  “Yes, she loves that nickname. I asked.”

  “Oh, good. So, you asked first?”

  “Of course! I mean, she’s adorable. If she was a cat, though…”

  We boarded the elevator, and I watched the numbers descend until we hit the lobby. The air in the confined space felt heavier than normal, which could only mean one thing: I was so nervous that I was close to passing out. If I passed out right now in my bathing suit, I would be so embarrassed. I calmed myself down by thinking about the water, the waves, the gentle breeze. I was going to be okay. I just needed to not focus on Jackie in a bathing suit. And sex.

  Amazing hot sex that I wanted to have with Jackie so badly I could taste it.

  My God, I was a hormonal mess.

  I rolled my eyes at myself as I followed Jackie across the sand. We traipsed down the board walkway and to a place near the water. She set the chairs up and put a towel over each chair before looking at me. “This is okay, right?”

  “This is perfect.” After I sat on one of the beach chairs, I dug my toes into the soft sand. The sound of the waves crashing onto the beach was exactly what I needed. I closed my eyes and pulled the gulf air into my lungs. I couldn’t remember the last time I was so at peace yet so nervous and excited. “I am so in love with this beach.”

  “It does look good on you.”

  I watched her from behind my sunglasses as she pulled her cover up over her head and threw it onto the back of the chair. Her bathing suit was black, a two piece, and it looked so good on her. Her skin was tan, tight, and I couldn’t stop staring. She did have a few stretch marks, which made me slightly happy because it meant she was human. Even though everything about her seemed to be perfect. She had toned abs, and on the side that was facing me, she had another tattoo. This one was of a watercolor sunflower. I let my eyes wander over her thighs, the definition of her quadriceps, and the small scar on her knee. I watched as she sat on the chair next to me, both of us facing the water. She was all legs in the chair, and her stomach had the cutest creases in it from the way she was sitting. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to reach out, run my fingertips along her legs, up to the leg seam of her bathing suit bottom.