A Previous Engagement

by Stephanie Haddad

  “Not that far? We said college ‘wasn’t that far’ and look how hard that was on all of us!” Her voice echoed shrilly in the half-lit kitchen, not as homey when it wasn’t filled with food and friends.

  “You won’t be alone this time. You’ll have Grant and Riley,” I forced a smile, rubbing a soothing hand over her shoulder. “And Christian, too.” I couldn’t eke out a smile on his name, but my facial muscles made a worthy attempt. “You get all our guys. You’ll be okay.”

  “For the record, while you were up to your eyeballs in youth investment markets, I had all the boys. And let me tell you what,” she leaned toward me. “You can’t leave me with them.”

  “Why not?”

  “Are you serious? Grant is my husband, so him I can handle. But Riley will be devastated if Anntess isn’t here to read him stories or play with the ducks.” Tears rolled silently down her cheeks now, and my eyes welled up in response. “And don’t even get me started on Christian.”

  Her tone changed when she said his name and my head snapped up. Kendra blew her nose and blotted tears from her chin, while I connected the dots.

  “You knew. You’ve known, all this time,” I watched her expression change in confirmation. I couldn’t bear to talk about the letter, but whether she knew about it or not did me little good now. Christian was with Savannah. I was too late. “Why didn’t you tell me he was in love with me?”

  “I couldn’t, Tess.” She sniffled again. “Imagine if you were stuck between Christian and me with a secret, what would you do? He didn’t want me to say anything, said he needed to ‘see how it panned out.’ He didn’t want to pressure you or add stress onto everything you were dealing with at work. Anyway, how could you learn what your own feelings were if you were constantly worried about protecting his feelings?”

  “But—”

  She shook her head, stopping my protest before it even formed in my mind. “You always put yourself last. You would have told Christian you loved him even if you didn’t, just to make him happy.”

  My eyes widened. “That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

  “Not for you. You’re a good person and you deserve love in your life. I know how you feel about him now, but you have to tell him. You can’t run away to Chicago and leave him here like this.”

  “I’m sure Savannah can take care of him,” I started pacing again, slower this time. I could feel Kendra’s eyes on me with every lap across the farmhouse kitchen.

  “She’s just a bandage. He’s trying to get over you, you idiot,” she was near to yelling with frustration. If she hadn’t been pregnant, she probably would have leapt up and shook me. “Why don’t you just talk to Christian? You’re both adults. You both like each other, love each other even. I’m sure you can work it out.”

  “I don’t even know how I feel. Going to Chicago could help me get some perspective on things, figure out my feelings. Christian’s still reeling from Marcy anyway. We both need some time, some space. And then, once I do my time in Chicago, maybe I can get transferred back here and take Marty’s job or something higher up. Who knows?”

  “Don’t bullshit me, Tessa Monroe. You do know how you feel. You’ve known for years but you’ve been too chicken to go for it.” She sighed, dropping her shoulders. “Ever since that night you kissed him in the pool.”

  “Oh, no no no. He kissed me…” I stopped pacing. My mouth dropped open. “You saw us?”

  She nodded smugly, crossing her arms atop her growing belly.

  “You never said.”

  “It wasn’t any of my business, was it?”

  “So if it wasn’t your business then, why is it your business now?”

  “You’re making it my business by running off to Chicago. After ten years of this unspoken love nonsense, I can’t function under these conditions anymore. You’re running away to a job you don’t really want because there’s no guy in the world that you’ll ever love as much as Christian. Meanwhile, he’s dating every girl but you to cure himself of what is obviously—at least to Grant and me—an incurable case of the wild thing.”

  “How eloquent.”

  “Thanks,” she smiled, pulling her tangled curls into a pony tail. “Frankly, I can’t let my son grow up in a world full of people who don’t back up their feelings with actions. You love each other. Say it. Do it—I mean, do something about it. Just please don’t leave him, or me.”

  Kendra walked to me, standing frozen in front of her sink, and placed one hand on each shoulder. I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. “It’s just a lot to take in.”

  “I know, honey,” she pulled me into in a hug. “If taking this job is how you think you’ll really be happy, I’m all for it. But if there’s any tiny part of you in doubt about it, all I ask is that you take the time to really think. Really think, Tess.”

  I walked out to my car undecided, leaving Kendra struggling with brave tears. At least she had Grant to comfort her, so she’d be all right. My tears, streaming down my face in a mix of raindrops, would go uncomforted. I made my bed, now I had to lie in it.

  I drove home with the radio switched off, listening to the thoughts buzzing in my head: new Tess, old Tess, Christian, Kendra, little Riley, Vice President. I’d already committed to Prime and accepted the job. If I went, I had two weeks left in Boston before heading west, away from my family and friends and everything I’d known since birth. If I stayed, I risked any future vertical movement at Prime… All for a relationship twenty years in the making that might’ve ended before it even began. I wanted to turn my brain into one of those arcade games with the claw. Put in your quarter, move the claw around and hit a button. You get what you get. If I could rig my thoughts up to a claw and just pick one, then stick with it, my life would be so much easier.

  I pulled into my driveway and sat still for a moment, just listening to the raindrops pelt against the hood of my car. Rain was beautiful and cleansing, like tears. I wanted it to wash it all away, me away, and take this gut-wrenching choice from me. A sudden shiver propelled me toward an indoor shelter, so I stepped out into the hurricane-like conditions. I skipped across the parking lot toward my building, shielding my head in vain. When I looked up, I saw him.

  He was drenched, standing in the rain with a perplexed expression on his face. He held no umbrella, wore no coat, and made no effort to protect himself from the icy raindrops.

  “Christian! What are you doing here?” I approached him, suddenly unaware of the cold rain dripping down the back of my shirt. He smiled at me, his face lit by a street lamp, and I felt warm again, like I always did.

  “Waiting for you. I have to tell you something.”

  “Come inside. I have to tell you something too.” I tried to pull him toward the door, but he held me still.

  “I love you, Tessie. I know the letter was a bad idea and I shouldn’t have put you in that position, but I had to try something. Then it got weird and I was so angry at myself. I wanted to tell you in person how I felt.”

  “I didn’t—” He placed one finger over my lips and continued.

  “Please let me get this out, okay? I know the letter pissed you off. I dealt with it the only way I could. I tried to move on with Savannah, really tried, hoping it would make things easier on us both. But at the wedding, it all came back. I think you felt it too. When I kissed you—”

  “Wait, what?”

  “When I kissed you, it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry I lost control like that.”

  “When you kissed me?”

  “It was wrong, okay? I love you, Tessie, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. I promised to drop it if you weren’t interested and I broke that promise. I just wanted to say that I meant what I said in the letter. I won’t let your feelings or mine ruin our friendship. So… have a good night.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his soaked jeans and started walking. He crossed the parking lot and the street, and nearly made it around the block before a loud roll of thunder shook me from my daze.

&
nbsp; Kendra’s words echoed in my head. I had to do something before it was too late. Again. He had to know, whatever the cost, wherever we went from here.

  Thankful I’d changed out of my work clothes before going to Kendra’s, I took off across the street at full speed. I had to catch up to him. I ran and ran, my eyes locked on his shape in the darkness, getting larger as I approached.

  “Christian, wait!”

  He heard me the sixth or seventh time, my voice all but lost in the howling wind. I saw him turn toward me and I slowed my pace, breathing hard. All those skipped trips to the gym were coming back to bite me in the ass. When I finally reached him, I doubled over in heaving breaths.

  “I—kissed you—at the wedding,” I managed to say around gasps for air. I slowed my pulse, as much as I could in his presence, and evened my oxygen intake. “It was me. I kissed you because—”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I kept talking.

  “I never got your letter, not until last weekend. It was in that damn jacket and Marcy had it all along.”

  “Marcy?”

  “Yeah… shush. I’m not done,” I pushed his hair out of his eyes and looked up into them, darkened by the rolling clouds around us. “I didn’t know for all this time, but I know now. And you’re right. I have feelings for you too.”

  His face pinched together in scrutiny. As he regarded me, his expression shifted with a dozen emotions, each thought traveling across his features. Then his arms were around me and he kissed me. Of this, there was no confusion.

  “Tessie, I want to—”

  “Shut up, Christian.” What he wanted was written all over his face. For once in my life, I shut out the voice of reason, let my heart take control. When I kissed him again, I felt his relief escape him. How long had he wanted this? How long had I wanted this?

  Within seconds we were tangled in each other, hands everywhere. If we hadn’t been on a street corner at ten p.m. on a Friday night, in the pouring rain… well. As this thought tore through my mind, filling my body with heat and lust, I succumbed to my temptation.

  “Come on,” I said, pulling my lips from his and taking his hand. “We’re going to catch pneumonia and die.”

  “So what?” he answered playfully, matching my pace back to the parking lot. I fumbled with the key to the door—in my defense, anyone’s hands would be unsteady if someone was kissing their neck like that—and let us into the entranceway. I dragged him up one flight of stairs and faced another locked-door obstacle—and another bout of inappropriate kissing—to get inside my actual apartment. We burst through the door and Christian kicked it shut behind him. I let him pull me down the hall, around the corner, and into my bedroom, repressing school girl giggles all the way.

  “There, much better.” As the words left my mouth, Christian found my lips again. Now, safely inside my bedroom and out of view of passing traffic, his hands were less restricted. Clumsy with desire, he fought against my wet shirt and managed to find the dampened skin beneath my clothing. Christian’s hands were hot against my stomach and back, chasing the last of the chill from my body.

  As I quickly learned, men’s clothing is even harder to negotiate when it’s soaking wet and adhered to its wearer’s skin. I unbuttoned his collared shirt and tugged the hem up from the waistband of his jeans without issue, but then I struggled to roll the wet sleeve from his arms. I got the left one out with a swift tug, then tripped and collapsed onto the bed in my attempt to free the right arm. His arm came lose, but everything came to a sudden standstill.

  I righted myself, sitting on the edge of my bed, his shirt clutched between my hands. My own clothing was still on, in various states of disarray. Slumped over, I sat still for a moment and just stared at his shirt in my hands.

  “What are we doing?” My voice was almost too low to hear.

  “Don’t do it, Tessie,” he warned. “Don’t analyze this to death. Can’t we just… be?”

  I blinked up at him, twisting his shirt in my hands.

  “Five seconds ago, you were tearing off my clothes. Stop letting your head get in your way. Don’t worry like you always do.” He knelt on the floor, at my eye level, and tucked a strand of wet hair behind my ear. Then he kissed me sweetly, tempting me all over again. “I think it’s safe to say we’ve both been waiting a long time to do this, and I won’t let you ruin it for yourself.”

  I broke away from the next kiss aimed at my lips. “That’s awfully conceited of you, don’t you think?”

  He laughed deep in his chest. “Fine, then don’t ruin it for me.”

  “But we can’t do this,” I said again. “What about Savannah? You have a girlfriend. A girlfriend that I found for you. I never thought you had any feelings for me and I blew it. If I’d just pulled my head out of my ass for five minutes—you know, to think about something other than my stupid job. I can’t let you cheat on your girlfriend, Christian. Not with me.”

  I stood up, breaking his embrace, and strode across my room to the closet in search of a dry pair of jeans. This would all be much easier if we weren’t so wet and needy. Maybe changing clothes would do the trick. As soon as I located a clean pair, Christian took the jeans from my hand and tossed them aside.

  “It’s over,” he said, his arms around me again. “I ended it this morning.”

  “You what? How could you throw away something so perfect?”

  “Are you actually mad that I broke up with someone for you?” He was trying not to laugh, and mostly failing. “I broke up with her, Tessie. It’s over. I didn’t want to be with her. I don’t think I ever really did.”

  “Why not?”

  “Are we really going to have this conversation right now?” He took one look at my face and sighed. “Did you ever notice how perfect Savannah is?” I nodded. “And that didn’t annoy you?”

  I thought about it for a moment, considering Savannah from this new perspective. Her fault was her perfection, an interesting predicament. I, on the other hand, had plenty of imperfections. I’d just never exactly thought of that as a strong selling point before.

  He swept me into his arms, catching me too off my guard to protest. Instead I just experienced what it was to be in Christian’s arms. Properly, for once. He skirted the miscellaneous items on the floor in my room, headed for the bed. He laid me there delicately, as though I was a hand-plucked daisy. Then he leaned above me, kissing a path across my cheeks and nose.

  “Are you kissing my freckles?” I groaned. “Not sexy.”

  “What are you talking about? Your freckles are my very favorite part of you.”

  “They are?” I pushed up on my elbows to see him better. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

  “I did.” He kissed my nose again. “That day I broke your compact. I told you they were too pretty to cover up before I left.”

  All the fervor of the street corner came back to me, coursing through my veins like pure adrenaline. We resumed the battle against wet clothing, this time with total commitment. Before long, we slid into the sheets to cuddle in the dryness and warmth. Playfully, I kissed him on the shoulders, neck, chin—delighted to touch each part of my best friend’s unclothed body—and then I pulled him onto me.

  He responded with his lips on mine, sending a rush of exhilaration through me. Joy mixed with impatience, my pulse raced–-he wanted me. Me. I’d never thought this was possible; I even dismissed it long ago. I taught myself to look at him differently, think of him differently. Despite all of that, I guess I never learned how to love him any differently.

  Christian’s urgency slowed, shifting from hurried lust to something deeply passionate. There together, nothing separating his skin from mine, he relaxed, took his time. His kisses slowed, deepened. His hands explored more carefully, taking in every inch of my body as undiscovered territory, leaving goose bumps wherever they traveled. He said my name, a low moan between nibbles on my earlobe. My body responded, my back arched toward him. As my breath quickened, his lips burned a fiery trail down
my neck and shoulders, and between my breasts all the way to my belly button. I let out a quiet sigh, equal parts contentment and frustration.

  He stopped, moving face to face with me. “What? Are you okay?”

  I nodded, biting my lip against the threatening tears. “I’m so—I’m just—Everything is—” I looked into his eyes, still visible by the glowing street lights outside my window. Crystal blue as always, but full of something new. “I’m just… really happy right now.”

  “Me too,” he said, kissing me again. I felt the corners of his mouth pull up into a mischievous grin. “But I know a way to make you even happier.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Heaven, I learned, is marathon sex for twenty-four hours with a steady stream of take-out deliveries as fuel. I would’ve thought spending all that time naked with Christian might have gotten awkward after a while. You know, when you’re around someone so long and you’re always clothed, then one day you aren’t anymore—well, it could get weird if you’re not careful.

  On the contrary, lying next to him, all warm and snuggly, felt as natural as breathing. Having the ability to jump him whenever the mood struck me was an added bonus. Thank God he was such a good sport about it, because the mood struck me often.

  Hey, it had been a while for me. A good, long while. I can honestly say, it had never been so good either.

  “You know, if Kendra hadn’t been cooking for us all these years, we’d each weigh about four hundred pounds by now,” Christian said, twisting his fork around a large mass of take-out spaghetti.

  “Easily,” I agreed. “But with garlic bread like this at our disposal, could you really blame us?” He leaned over and stole a bite. It really was delicious.

  “We’re probably doomed, a household without a cook. Unless one of us takes a cooking class.”

  I laughed, hoping he couldn’t detect my nervousness. That wasn’t the first time in our post-coital hours together he’d brought up the future. Naturally, Christian was operating under the assumption that getting together in the ‘biblical’ sense, at least for us, meant officially getting together. Like forever. Marriage and kids and a little farmhouse and dogs and… well…