A Previous Engagement
Page 18
“Oh!” I manufactured my own smile, reaching up to kiss him. “Um…that’s great!”
His face fell at the flatness of my voice. “I should’ve waited, I’m sorry.”
“No, no,” I answered quickly. I couldn’t tell him now. Not now. “I’m glad you didn’t wait for me to tell you… This is… great. But what about the rest of your stuff? That’s not everything.”
“I’ll leave the rest in my apartment until the lease ends in August, then figure out what to do with it,” he shrugged. “Unless you want some of my furniture. Maybe the Playstation?”
I shook my head. “This is fine for now. I’m sure we’ll find room for everything when the time comes.”
Christian leaned toward me, smiling mischievously. “Who knows? Maybe we can find a bigger place together by then.” He wrapped his arms around me, kissing a path from my ear to my shirt. The initial shock faded away, the spark of anger was extinguished. I relaxed into his arms like Jell-o. He kicked his suitcase off the bed and threw me onto it instead. I let Christian make love to me, secretly thrilled at the idea of having him around day-in and day-out, but torn right down the center with the piece of unspoken news I should’ve shared.
Telling him was going to be anything but a cakewalk.
So instead I let the hours tick by day and night, waiting for an opportunity to break his heart. The thrill of that double life evaporated with every morning that I didn’t tell Christian over our coffee together. It was my favorite time of the day and I never wanted to leave him there, sitting in my kitchen the way I’d always fantasized about on our Coffee Wednesday dates. The way he poured the milk into my cup, fed me a bite of his blueberry muffin, kissed me goodbye and told me to “Have a great day.” It was all so weird but so perfect.
Then, at work, the magic seemed to fade and I sobered up. This job meant everything to me and I couldn’t fit Christian’s romance and dream life around my calculated career path. There wasn’t enough room. I couldn’t let him keep living his fantasy out in my apartment each day. Also, I really needed to start packing.
With only one day left, my office was already empty, all my stuff packed up into big moving boxes. Prime was picking up the tab for my relocation, so my office supplies and personal items would be overnighted to the Chicago office. When I left in the morning, I just needed the essentials with me. Everything else would be shipped to the brand new furnished apartment waiting for me in the Windy City. It was a big penthouse apartment downtown with a gorgeous view and a whirlpool tub, a dream come true.
Seriously, I peeked at the details on the apartment complex’s website and I didn’t need to buy anything. It even had an iPod docking station and a surround sound system hooked up to the Blu-Ray player and plasma screen TV. Wall mounted, no less. Even the shades on the windows were remote-control operated. This place was swanky.
And swanky was not a word I tossed around lightly.
I was relieved to have something positive to look forward to—you know, after I crushed my best friend/boyfriend’s heart and abandoned him. I’d been so busy worrying about the ripple effect in my personal life that I hadn’t stopped to think about all the positives that awaited me in Chicago. A new city to explore, a ‘swanky’ apartment to call home, a high-profile job that was mine, all mine.
Kendra called me at work Wednesday afternoon, breathing heavy. “You’ll be here at seven tonight, right?”
“What?”
“Christian’s birthday party…” she said impatiently. “Come on, you didn’t forget about your boyfriend’s birthday, did you?”
I forced a tight laugh, feeling the panic wash over me. Christian’s thirtieth… today. Suddenly, our weird morning conversation made a lot more sense. He’d said something like, “I couldn’t imagine starting this day off any better way.” I just thought he liked the outfit I was wearing, but now I felt like a giant idiot. How could I forget my best friend’s thirtieth freaking birthday?
“I called a few people and we’re going to have a small party here tonight. I remember you said something about that a while back, so I just took the liberty to plan it. I figured you’d be too busy basking in all of that afterglow,” she chuckled. “So, is seven okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I stumbled. “Sure thing. I’ll be there. Does Christian know about it?”
“I told him, yeah. No more surprises for a little while, if that’s okay with you. I didn’t want another no-show.” I agreed that it was for the best. We worked out a few details and I promised to bring some balloons. She hung up quickly to get back to cooking the food for the buffet. I went back to staring at the blank wall where the daisy photo used to be, wasting the last hours of my work day.
I stopped at home to change my clothes before the party and took a quick mental inventory of what absolutely needed to be packed. I wouldn’t have much time, so I could only grab the bare minimum. Underwear, suits, deodorant, a few movies, my laptop—just what I’d need to get through the first few days until Lucy packed and sent the rest. On the company’s dime, I was sure she wouldn’t mind. I could’ve asked Kendra, but I didn’t know if we’d be speaking once I announced my decision to go to Chicago. Lucy, if anything, would say she was going to miss me and ask to have my apartment. As far as I was concerned, she could have it.
Flinging open the closet, I made a conscious effort to ignore Christian’s shirts and ties as they stared at me from the hangers. I picked out a light, summery dress to wear and threw it over my head. Just as I was headed for the door, one shoe off and one in my hand, I remembered Finn. Where would he go? Who would take care of him after I left?
“Hey, Finn,” I said, looking toward my nightstand for my little companion. “Are you still scared of cats? Can Lucy take you back, do you think?” From across the expanse of my king size bed, I couldn’t make out any movement, so I got closer. I leaned over to see Finn at eye level and found him, turned upside-down and bloated with decay.
“Oh God! Finn!” I’d killed him. I’d killed my small charge, my confidant when things had gotten so bleak, my only responsibility outside of myself. I killed poor, defenseless, innocent Finn.
What kind of person was I turning into? I knew my limitations, that I couldn’t care for other creatures. Why had I taken him from Lucy, knowing he’d be dead in a matter of weeks with me as his sole caretaker? Stupid, stupid. Despite myself, I found tears on my cheeks as I performed a makeshift burial ceremony and flushed him down the toilet.
“Enjoy the Quabbin Reservoir, little Finn,” I said somberly, somewhat surprised at my intense reaction to his passing. My guilt continued to build as I located my shoes and climbed back into my car, headed for Birch’s. It was the right decision to go to Chicago, a more fitting choice for me and my ineptness as a nurturer. What if I forgot to feed my kids too?
I shouldn’t be living this lie with Christian at all. Birthday party or no, I had to tell him the truth and get it over with.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Once parked in the Birch’s lot, I unloaded the balloons from my car, trying to hide the despair and regret weighing on my heart. I pushed open the big wooden door and walked into the echoing foyer. I was really going to miss this place, the scene of so many memories—both good and bad. Of course, all that good food would be tragically distant from my new home in Chicago as well. Probably too far to order take out.
Although most of the guests were the same, this low-key birthday party was a far cry from the blowout surprise engagement we’d planned all those weeks before. There were no fairy lights, no expertly decorated tables with ivy, no congratulations banner. In fact, Birch’s looked much like it usually did, just with a special buffet table and a few streamers. Kendra had made a birthday cake for him, a big number thirty resting on the top tier. I tied the balloons in bunches on either side of the buffet table and started to meander through the crowd.
Kendra stood by the bar grinning sheepishly at me. “It’s not much. We didn’t have a lot of time to set up,” she shrugged.
“But I got the cake made in time.”
“Thanks for pulling this together so last minute. I guess I just lost track of the days with so much on my mind.” I hugged her, suddenly wanting to confess my murder by neglect. She would dismiss Finn’s death as a fluke, remind me that human children don’t let you forget to feed them, and tell me I was crazy, so I decided against breaching the topic.
“What’s to think about? Work must be calming down, right? Now that you’re not heading to Chicago.”
I breathed in sharply, pursing my lips. Lying was pointless.
“You told them, didn’t you?” She stared me down and I—lame duck that I am—just shrugged. “Tess! Are you going to Chicago?”
“I don’t know what to do…” Lame, lame. Anything I said would sound lame and I knew it.
“You said you weren’t going! What about Christian? Tess!” She grew frantic with every moment I remained unresponsive. “You can’t get on a plane tomorrow without telling him! What are you thinking?”
“Hey, great party, ladies,” Christian slid over to us, a drink in hand and a party hat on his head. He greeted me with a quick kiss, Kendra with a hug. “Thanks again.”
Kendra might’ve been silenced by his presence, but she didn’t let that stop her from kicking me in the shin. I grimaced at her, sending her a look that said, I’ll take care of it. The crushing guilt was nearly as debilitating as the sharp pain seizing my leg.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” she said pointedly, jabbing an elbow into my rib cage. “Enjoy the party.” I watched her shuffle off to greet some newcomers then took Christian by the hand. We walked to a quiet corner of the restaurant, away from the laughter and chattering.
“I have to come clean about something,” I started to say. Christian stroked my cheek softly, resting finally at my chin, and I had a moment of doubt. Our eyes locked. “And I think I’ve waited too long to tell you.”
Before I could go on, he leaned down and kissed me. My knees buckled and I fought to stay upright. My voice came out as a whisper. “Christian, I—”
“It’s funny to think about how special we were to each other, even way back when,” he said, holding my face in his hands.
“We were just kids,” I laughed it off, hoping for a segue into the speech I practiced in the office bathroom earlier that day.
“Smart kids, I might add,” he smiled devilishly. “And twenty years later, my feelings haven’t changed. Do you remember what I said to you back in third grade?”
I did remember. It wasn’t the segue I was looking for, that was for sure.
“If no one else comes along, Tessie Monroe, I want you to be my wife one day. That’s what I said to you, do you remember?” The sound of the words, which had been echoing in my brain since I first heard them, made my stomach drop out of my body like I was on some gravity-defying amusement park ride. “I love you, Tessie. I know it’s early to say it, or late, depending on how you’re counting. But I love you, much more than the way we always say we love each other.”
“I love you, too,” I surprised myself with the words but I meant them. I wrapped my arms around his neck and stood on tiptoes to hug him. When I settled back onto my heels, I used my most serious face to convey the least lovey-dovey sentiments I could muster. “I do love you but that’s not what I was—”
“Christian!” Grant called to him from the bar, a microphone in his hand. “You ready?”
“What’s that for?” I broke away from him, ready to beat Grant to a bloody pulp for interrupting me. The words were on my lips, seconds from finally coming out. I was only moments from tackling the conversation I’d dreaded for two weeks and now, it would continue to haunt me until this microphone business was over.
“You’ll see,” Christian said, mischief glinting in his eye. He sat up on the bar, inviting me to sit next to him, and accepted the mic from Grant. “Thanks, man.”
Grant and Christian exchanged a knowing smile and I felt the color drain from my face. Even though my instincts told me to run like hell, I hopped up onto the bar next to Christian and tried to look anywhere but at Kendra. She was too busy anyway, demanding answers from Grant, who put his hands up in surrender and told her to wait and see for herself.
“Hey everybody!” Christian said to the room. A few people clapped but most just turned to see where the sound was coming from. “Thanks for coming to my thirtieth birthday party, even though some of you probably had doubts I’d show up!” He paused for a quiet chuckle from a few people before continuing. “You guys all remember Tess, right?”
This joke earned even bigger laughs. Of course they knew the woman attached at his hip for twenty-plus years. Did that make me seem desperate? I played along, waving to a few people I hadn’t said hello to yet, and then nudged him to keep talking. Instead, he dipped me back over the bar with a deep kiss, earning us several cheers from the crowd.
“Surprise,” he said to the crowd, letting me back up for air. Christian reveled in the applause for a few minutes and waved off the cat-calls. “So,” he began again. “I know you all know how much Tess means to me…”
Panicking, my instincts spurred me to find Kendra, who was shaking her head at me in a silent reprimand. Dread rolled in my stomach. Now that we’d made a public announcement, Christian would be heartbroken and embarrassed when I told him about Chicago.
He picked up his speech again, just as I planned my escape route. “And how long I’ve waited to ask her this question.” He jumped down from the bar, pulling me with him, and knelt on one knee in front of me. “Tessie, will you marry me?”
Screaming applause erupted from everyone but Kendra, whose eyes were locked on mine. She knew what I was about to do before I even knew it.
“Uhhhh…” I stared down at him and saw the love in his eyes. It terrified me. “I’m sorry… I—I can’t.” Before reality could sink in and I had time to regret what I’d just done, I pulled my hand from his and escaped through the kitchen and out the back door. I ran across the parking lot, ignoring the male footsteps closing in on me.
“Tessie, wait!”
I was always faster than Christian, but my strappy sandals and sundress weren’t doing me any favors. He caught up easily, spinning me around by the wrist. “Let go!” I yelled it out, a reflex to being grabbed. But Christian held on until I stopped flailing.
“What happened in there?” His eyes searched my face for answers, a logical explanation for my behavior. I already knew there was no logical anything to explain my behavior lately—or to excuse it.
“It’s been two weeks, Christian!”
“I know, but I thought—”
“What? That I’d just shack up with you permanently because ‘nobody better came along?’” I yanked my arm from his grasp.
“Is that what this is about?” His face fell. “I didn’t bring that up to upset you. I thought it was fun to reminisce, but no, that’s not what I meant at all.”
“Well, you make it sound like I’m your last resort. And here we are, on your thirtieth birthday, that magic deadline you’ve always had in your head and you just happen to propose to me in front of all your friends. How did you think I would respond?” I started to walk back to my car but he stayed on my heels.
“Just listen to me, okay?”
I spun on him again. “You’ve spent the last ten years parading pretty girls in front of me like it’s freaking Fashion Week in Paris. None of them were good enough for you, so how can I compete?” Christian’s mouth hung open; his arms lay helpless at his sides. Met with the uncomfortable silence, I kept talking. “Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Lonely, but I’ve got better things to do than pop out your kids for you because you couldn’t find a better uterus!”
As Christian’s eyes narrowed, I gathered I’d finally crossed the line. “And what are you going to do? Go back to working eighty plus hours a week at a job that’s slowly bleeding you dry and watching the Food Network in your pajamas? You can’t even cook, Tess, what’s that about?”
“It’s better than being your consolation prize,” I said coolly. “Thank you for the company and the thrilling conversation, but I’ve got to get going.” I turned on my heel and strode swiftly to the door of my car. He placed one hand over mine as I gripped the handle.
“Don’t do this,” he pleaded, every bit of the anger dissolved. “You’re throwing this away over something stupid. That’s not what I meant at all and you know it.”
“It’s not stupid to me,” said an icy voice that sounded like mine. “If we ever had a chance, it’s gone now, Christian. We missed it a long time ago.”
He put himself between me and the car door, a new energy suddenly possessing him. “What’s this really about?”
I bit my lip and looked down at the pavement, where the most recent rainfall still collected in the dips and divots. “I told you.” My tiny voice sounded fragile, timid, at odds with the strong emotions churning inside me.
“No, you didn’t. I know you too well to buy that. You’re upset about what I said, sure. Just not this upset. That wasn’t enough of a reason to put an end to a good thing, not for you. What’s really going on?”
I looked up at him and saw the worry clearly in his eyes, knowing I’d be changing it all to pain in seconds. There are some things in life you need to do quickly to minimize the pain. I could take moments or a lifetime to break his heart and it wouldn’t change the amount of his pain one ounce. I took a deep breath.
“I’m moving to Chicago, Christian,” I looked away again, this time staring at the toes of my boots. “I’ve finally been offered the VP job, but it’s in Chicago. I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The fallout was worse than I expected. As I sat in the bathtub that night, back in my apartment, I tried to block out Christian’s pleading, shouting, and mostly, the pained expression that overtook his handsome face at my news. It was almost too much to bear just thinking about it.